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寫檢討Considering this is a first write and an author whose first language is not English, its decent but short. The story itself its just a series of jump cuts so less points there, but the concept is interesting and this worm sees potential if someone edits and helps expand on what the author wants. In all honesty, for a first write, it works
I get the overall Idea but please work with your grammar and I know that i cannot criticize you because you are doing this for fun and not for stress but I can't even read it,and the writing style is weird, there's not even space you just brainstorm and write it, my advice is that you go back a a little and edit it, add words and work on grammar, read it yourself and you will know
Congratulations on starting to write. I can not criticize much about the number of words, but I hope you can differentiate when you write in the first person or in the third person, as well as using quotation marks or braces to give connotation to the phrases said. I hope you can improve and have success.
作者 Joe_Jakes
Grammar needs improvement and the chapter is too short.