Rebirth of The Devil: Locked Memories ??

Walking into this story, I had no idea what to expect. I did find myself intrigued with the plot line. Since I went in as a blind reader, I did find the seeds for her traitorous sister. That moment didn't surprise me, but I do view the execution of it as a positive one. Although not many of the characters are really explored just yet, I have the sense that her sister or perhaps her former lover are being set up to be the main antagonist. I am in the right mind to think that they are going to work as a group to oppose her. Overall, this story is shaping up to be something interesting. I can't wait to see how the author begins world building somce these early chapters lack much depth in that regard. Character and world building are probably two greatest concerns for this story in my mind. Crafting a memorable character is just as important in a quality story.

So for clarification, the stars are just an encouragement. Now about the story. It has potential, but it’s done very poorly. It’s quite obvious that you don’t have much experience. Frankly speaking, I had a feeling that you had some simple idea in your mind, simply sat down and started writing. So yeah… There will be a lot here to unpack. Let's start from the beginning. I think Prologue 1 is pointless. Prologue 2 does a better job at starting the novel, and makes Prologue 1 completely pointless. Don’t take me wrong, it's still a bad start. Why is it bad? To answer this question we should go to the basic of writing. Disclaimer, I’m going ignore prologue 1, because it’s, to me, completely pointless, and pretend you are starting with prologue 2. A few things you need from a good start are: 1. a hook, to keep your readers reading. 2. premise of the story – what it will be about. 3. introduction to your main character. 4. introduction of the setting. What do you have? You have a hook. The story starts with a character (the protagonist in pain). It’s good enough because the readers will instinctively want to know what happened. I’m not sure if you have a premise, because I get horror vibes from this, but it's apparently a romance. What is it? You need to be clear here. You can’t deceive your readers. You kinda introduce your character, but also kinda not. She is just there, like a plastic doll thrown on a bed. I untangle this one a bit more later. Then we have the setting. You also kinda have it, but kinda not. I got the vibe that it’s a real-like world, but then we have a super-blood, but it’s kinda not that super, so It makes me feel like supernatural things are rare, but they do happen around the world. So overall you could add thing up, and say the start is passable, but it’s actually not. Why? I’ll explain. So the character is in pain, can’t really see, opens her eyes, and notices she is in some kind of lab. You don’t really describe the lab. You are the director, actors, scenograph, makeup artist, and everything else of your novel. Set up a scene. Throw characters, and let them play. You didn’t. You are vaguely describing the objects around her, but that's it. Where is the smell? Where is the sound? If you don’t know how to craft a good description, here is a quick guide to a passable one. Describe things as you take them in yourself. We rely on sight most, so start with light. Go from general to specific. Then add sound/smell and other stuff. Obviously, depending on what you need, you can mix those things. This is just a piece of general advice. After that we have your character trying to remember what happened. Why? If I woke up in an unknown laboratory, the first thing I would do is start asking questions. I would check if I can get up, and depending on the reaction from the environment – other people, I would run or stay. Then the complitely-out-of-place-looking boyfriend enters the scene. By that, I mean a dude in a black suit among people in lab coats/hospital attire. He would be stuck out as a sore thumb. Why didn’t she, or us – the readers – notice him earlier? He should be in the description. Now it looks like you are materializing characters out of nothing. She hears his voice and recognizes it, but for some reason does nothing about it. Why not call his name? Why not ask for answers? If she can speak, this should be her immediate reaction. You make her look like a plastic doll, not a human, because she behaves unrealistically. Then the doctor starts talking about experiments and stuff. If I heard it I would be already half a mile away from that place, sprinting for my life. She does nothing. I could pick up on that stuff, more, tu there is a character limit in the review, so I’ll move to more general stuff. You need to make your characters believable. They need to behave humanely! You have doctors interested in a girl performing horrible experiments on her for apparently no reason. What is their goal? Why is the girl not under anesthesia? She should be knocked out, and if she is not, there needs to be a reason for that. Give a reason for their actions, or make them more reasonable. If she has to suffer, explain why. Maybe one nurse would ask a question, and the doctor would explain? Maybe an argument between them, because the doctor is just a sociopath who wants to make her suffer. Make your own explanation, but you need one. Even more general stuff. You tell a lot without showing much, at least in the first 4 chapters. The fifth is a bit better about this. I’ll give you an example. Quote: She has a faint guess already but still was tightly clutching on the last ray of hope so that everything is not true. She hopes that it’s all misunderstanding. Her body was trembling by now. She could only gaze at his lover in the hope that he will pull her into his embrace just like before. Just as she was thinking” So why not like this: „The dark thoughts were already hunting her mind, but she desperately held to the last ray of hope – that this all was just a misunderstanding. A lie. She reached with her trambling, cold hand towards him, but he didn’t respond. There was only his cold gaze, focused on her as if she was an object, not a person.” See the difference? People are doing things. Reacting. Now another thing. In the quite I presented, and in the rest of your story, you do a lot of grammatical mistakes. You misspell, mix times (past and present, especially in your narration), and repeat a lot of words – a rule of thumb is 6 lines of text before repeating something. Even if it’s a character name. Use some software to check for this stuff. I use Grammarly. It's free. So yeah… I hope this helps.