You can easily combine this with the above paragraph because your still talking about that night
Because she had consumed too much alcohol, she couldn’t remember much of what had transpired that night. She didn’t know how she could face Brother Yan.
Urban · Jiong Jiong You Yao
This doesn't make sense. You can't catch a cold from the cold. You can catch hyperthermia or pneumonia, just saying I live in a place where it gets -50 sometimes
"Hey, wake up… the air conditioning is cold here. Don’t sleep or you’ll catch a cold —"
Urban · Jiong Jiong You Yao
Try to avoid words like looked and walked, they serve their purpose and everything, but words like scanned, raked, stared have more action to them
The man's eyes looked at the back of the room.
Fantasy · Warmaisach
nice way to bring the setting in
It was a small study filled with all kinds of books, scriptures, tomes, and papers. An unbelievably soft, violet carpet was strewn across the ground, and a cozy fire crackled in the fireplace.
Fantasy · Warmaisach
I'd find a way to combine this paragraph with the above, your still talking about the same person
Even though he had white hair, there were no wrinkles on his face. If one only looked at his face, one might believe that he was rather young.
Fantasy · Warmaisach
do you really need this?
Someone knocked on a wooden door.
Fantasy · Warmaisach
I know this story is fast food of the literary world, but you spend more time telling than showing. I actually like the story idea, but you often repeat ideas in the same paragraphs. Some minor edits could help this story shine brighter than it already does
ch 0 1 Prologue
Fantasy · sahejRocks
IS there something wrong with naming the character in the scene
He scoffed and smiled, four fingers on the cellphone his pinkie grazing his lip. "Like last time?"
Urban · Kay Lillyt
you might want to edit this paragraph a little
Shoes to the side of the closed room door. The right shoe sticking out enough to cause whoever dares walk in to stumble. One sock on the left shoe and the other very close to the chair by the bathroom. A chair that moved around the room a lot. Two pairs of trousers on the floor beginning a trail. A pair of boxers to the left, a sweat shirt to the right, a jacket that didn't quite stick the landing to the bed; the sleeves made the leap miraculously. The trail should have ended there, except there was another shirt and another jacket both hanging over a desk chair. Laptop screen light beaming on his desk, s subtle sign of an email received. "Mmhmm." He said. "Because?" He asked, reclining in his desk chair, feet propped up on his desk, one hand feeling the fabric of his cool to the touch jacket. "That's the coloryou want?"
Urban · Kay Lillyt
But I'm about the best story I can produce
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Fantasy · Nikola_Niko
IF I read a chapter and I think it sucks, I'll scrap it and start over
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Fantasy · Nikola_Niko
you should see how hard I am on myself
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Fantasy · Nikola_Niko
I come hard core critique groups it's all about improvement. It's habit more than anything. I am always about doing better
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Fantasy · Nikola_Niko
How did no one hear Gal's tirade? Jordan's hot temper and devil-may-care attitude caused conflict on more than one occasion.
Gal was sure everyone near would hear her yelling and they might think she was yelling at someone of her age, but no! it was her hot-blooded kid brother who had sworn to always walk out of her whenever she was talking to him. It was as if every kid's mind was placed in his, he is hot-tempered, stubborn, and what he always loves to call himself 'crazy.'
Fantasy · kerryn
Your descriptions are a bit rough and tell more than they show. It might be better to play with it. Include sensations of the bride
Utilizing a mafia boss
Realistic · Moonwriting