Chapter 22: Letting It Out
Vivian stalked the hallways of the Dandridge manor, having found herself too restless to stay in the bedroom upstairs and just wait for Renard. The longer she sat in the darkness the more miserable she became, so she decided that a change of scenery would do her some good. As she walked though, she couldn't help but dwell on the fact that she was just so tired. The day hadn't been particularly strenuous or anything, yet all she seemed to want to do was curl up and be dead to the world for a while. Yet, when she tried to lay down and sleep her mind kept her up with all kinds of miserable thoughts. She needed Renard with her to sleep, and she hated how needy she had become. It felt... Well, it felt a lot like how it had felt for her in the previous houses she lived in. Those men had provided Vivian with a physical sense of security to allow her to feel comfortable sleeping. There weren't any physical threats to them here in the Dandridge house, so instead of physical security Renard was providing her with emotional stability.
Biting at her lip hard enough to taste blood, she really wished that she could stop feeling so fucking miserable. What was wrong with her? Was there just something horribly wrong with her head? Was she stressed out? Was she getting sick? Renard still spent time with her like usual, Kyrie continued to support her as a friend, and Raine was old enough now that she didn't have to be micromanaged every second of the day. Things were honestly looking up, so why did she still feel so terrible?
Frustrated by her inability to be happy, she found that her feet were taking her off towards the kitchen. Maybe some tea would help her calm down?
Pushing open the door to the kitchen, she startled when she found that she wasn't alone.
"Oh. You're still here."
Vivian's face contorted into a scowl after the initial surprise, though now that she was taking the time to really look at Dessi, the older woman didn't look much better than Vivian felt. She was slumped over in one of the chairs, her eyelids drooping a bit and it looked like Vivian had walked in while Dessi was trying to rub some kinks out of her back. It was honestly the oldest Vivian had ever seen her look. While the majority of her felt a bit smug to finally have the other women's age detracting from her beauty, another almost latent part of her was worried. Was something seriously wrong...? Dessi didn't usually get affected by bad moods. Or at least, she always seemed pretty upbeat and energetic most times, maybe it was just that she purposely didn't show them to people.
Dessi gave Vivian a weak smile in response to her comment before rather heavily lifting herself up from the chair.
"Yeah, sorry. I'm just feeling a bit tired today. If you sit down though I'll make us both some tea."
There was a battle that raged in Vivian's head at these words. Of course she didn't want to sit and have tea with Dessi especially not when she was in one of her moods, but tea had been what she came down here for in the first place. Plus... A part of her really was curious to know what it was that had gotten Dessi so tired. Crossing her arms with a mix between a pout and a glare, she ended up sitting down at the table.
"Alright fine. But be sure to make it the way I like or I'm leaving."
Dessi's half-hearted smile turned into more of a full one then, and Vivian's own expression softened enough that she felt like she had to look away from Dessi to prevent showing her even an iota of affection. Only once the other woman had moved into the kitchen proper did Vivian's gaze turn to Dessi's back as she wondered just what was wrong with her.
Though now that Vivian thought about it... It was likely that Dessi was just picking up on the increased tension around the house. Even Vivian could feel it, cloistered up in the nursery like she was. There were more guards wandering about the place than there used to be, and the talk at dinner would sometimes shift to concern over rumors in town.
Even though Mae Dandridge came from the most prestigious family in the country, it wasn't necessarily a well liked family. There had always been complaints about the royalty: it was evident in the bitter whispers spoken under people's breath, but now the grievances were not only getting worse, they were getting louder. They weren't just complaints against the King and Queen either, there were complaints arising about the various princes and princesses as well. People spoke of the mistreatment of the common folk, and even that the King was thinking of going to war with the Sky Empire, their rather isolationist neighbors to the east. Vivian was sure that had to be a wild rumor, yet it was being spoken enough that she wondered if the masses were truly starting to believe it.
Even Mae's name had been mentioned a few times despite having the Dandridge name now, but the unrest against her had just been blatant falsehoods. It was concerning that the populace's opinion was so wrong compared to reality: they had to be getting this wrong view from somewhere, and that somewhere no doubt had dubious intentions towards Mae's entire family.
Dessi had been working at the Dandridge house for longest, so maybe that's why all this political tension was bothering her so much? Honestly, for Vivian, she didn't think about it a whole lot. She felt like Lady Dandridge had everything under control, to the point that she didn't even need to bother devoting time to it. Still... When she heard about the things that were said at dinner, she didn't much like it either. She was often one of the forces trying to steer the conversation elsewhere though: it was better to just not think of it at all, especially when she had her own things to worry about.
… Why was it so easy to compartmentalize the lady's life but not this misery she'd been feeling lately? Arguably the lady losing her life would do more to upend her livelihood than just figuring out how to exist on a day to day basis.
Once again Vivian was beginning to stew, so it was a bit of a relief when she heard a cup being set down in front of her. She was a bit surprised when she realized the tea was made the way she liked. It... It both frustrated and touched her that Dessi had taken note of it and remembered. Frowning a little down at the cup, Vivian was soon carefully picking it up, bringing it up to take a tentative sip of the hot liquid. Sure enough, she wasn't disappointed in Dessi's preparation of her food; she never really had been.
The two women sat in silence, with Vivian wondering if she should try and say something to Dessi. In the end, it was Dessi that broke the silence with a more casual comment.
"So, how's Raine lately?"
The mention of Raine caused Vivian to immediately tense up. It was a subtle motion on Vivian's part, but knowing Dessi that observant old hag wasn't going to let it slip by her. Once again frustrated with herself for being so obvious about her feelings, she took out her frustration with a snappy comment of her own.
"Obviously she's fine. If there had been any major problems you would've heard about it already."
"Well what about you? How are you doing?"
Vivian glared at Dessi then because she knew that Dessi was fishing: Vivian certainly wasn't going to cooperate. She was silent as she brought the cup of tea up to her mouth and took another small sip. When she brought the cup down, her face was a very visible scowl.
"How do you think I'm doing?"
Her voice was dripping with sarcasm as she spoke, intending for that comment to be an effective shut down of the conversation. Dessi either didn't get the hint or just didn't care to get the hint, because she continued on.
"I think you're more depressed than you used to be. You have less energy, and even the hatred that you used to have for me has dulled quite a bit."
Dessi said this calmly and matter of factly, and for a moment Vivian stared at her with nothing but hatred in her eyes.
"Well of course I have less energy when I have to look after a kid all day!"
"But that's not the only reason, is it?"
Vivian's eyes sparkled with moisture at that and she blinked furiously to keep herself from crying in front of Dessi. What?! No! She hadn't been about to cry just a second ago! Why was she suddenly hit with such an awful feeling now? Why was it that Dessi's words cut so hard? It was as if all the feelings she'd been having in the guest room upstairs came rushing back and this wasn't what she'd been hoping for at all when she emerged from that dark den! Were... were they resurfacing because Dessi was actually bothering to try and address what was wrong with her? Everyone else had the good sense to just leave her alone out of politeness but here Dessi was, trampling all over sensitive subjects like a complete clod! Vivian didn't like it. She didn't like it one bit, and she was going to fight it as best as she could.
"What other reason could there possibly be?"
The younger woman was practically hissing at the older one, but Dessi remained completely calm as she continued to tread on this virgin ground.
"Perhaps it's something to do with Renard. Or... Perhaps it's something about yourself in relation to others that's really bothering you."
These suggestions certainly did hit home, and ultimately those tears that Vivian was trying so hard to hold back fell down her cheeks. Bringing a hand up to wipe at her face and forcefully get away these angry tears, that really didn't help that much with stopping them.
"How dare you! What do you know?! What could you possibly know about what I'm feeling?!"
And yet, even as Vivian tried to deny Dessi's insight, the evidence of the accuracy of that insight was spilling down her face. How could Dessi just see right through her? It was horribly frustrating that she was finding herself humiliated once again in front of Dessi. Why did she have to show all this vulnerability in front of her rival?!
Even though Vivian was really struggling, Dessi's expression softened as she reached out to grab hold of Vivian's hand. Vivian tried to wrench her hand away with as much force as she could muster, but she was surprised when Dessi's grip turned out to be stronger. Vivian's expression faltered then, turning from pure anger to something laced with more sadness, and Dessi spoke gently to her.
"I know that at this moment you're crying because something I've said is ringing true for you. Talk to me, Vivian. Even if it's me being the recipient to your troubles it's better than just staying silent and becoming more depressed."
Vivian hiccuped softly in response, her eyes clenching shut as she brought her free hand up to her face.
"It's not... It's not just Renard. It's Raine, it's you, it's even Kyrie and Isaac! All of you are sources of pain for me now and I hate it! I hate myself for feeling so much hatred from things you guys don't even do to specifically earn my ire, and I hate how miserable I feel in general! I wish I could just turn off all this hate but I just can't! I just... Can't."
The tears were flowing freely down her face now, so she buried her face in her hand and tried to bite back her angry sobs. Her shoulders shook with the effort, but at least she was able to keep the sounds of crying to a minimum.
Dessi was silent as she watched Vivian cry, and she brought her other hand over to cradle the hand that she currently had captive and lightly pat it. Vivian should be trying to pull her hand back again, but she found that this comforting touch from Dessi was too nice to want it to go away. All of the pain that was spilling out of her felt as if it was being given, at least in part, to those hands that were cradling hers.
"It doesn't help to keep everything bottled up, you know. Even if part of your complaints are with Kyrie, I'm sure she'd rather hear them and try to help than let you suffer alone."
"I know! I know she would, and that's part of the problem! She's too nice... I can't... There's no way I can actually be upset with her."
Once again she couldn't help resenting herself for even thinking ill of her friend. She was upset because Kyrie was happy. That was it. How could she bring that up with Kyrie? It would be telling the other woman to be more miserable when she was around Vivian and that just seemed horribly unfair! Unfair and quite frankly downright awful.
Her tears just weren't stopping now that they'd started, and even though it was a bit humiliating, a part of her actually felt good to be full on crying like this. When she was alone she never really cried, only stewed, but Dessi had managed to tip over the pot and get her to let some of this out.
"It's just... Why does Kyrie get the relationship I always wanted while I remain so unhappy?"
Dessi's expression softened all the more when Vivian said this, and she gently brought Vivian's free hand down with one of her hands so that she was holding both of the younger girl's hands.
"I think that entirely has to do with the person she chose. If you'd have gravitated towards Isaac when you first arrived you'd be much happier, I think."
"Yeah, well love doesn't quite work that way."
Vivian practically spat out the words and Dessi let out a soft sigh.
"I know."
There was an almost sullen silence from Vivian as tears continued to make their way down her face, but they were beginning to slow now. Her hands gently held onto Dessi's, trembling as the exhaustion she'd felt earlier hit her in a fresh new wave. She didn't move away from Dessi's touch though because she was finding that the warmth that she was feeling from the older woman was something that she was reluctant to leave. It made her think a bit of when she'd first arrived in the house, when Dessi had spent so much time helping her out. Slowly closing her eyes, Vivian let out a sigh.
"I'm so tired, Dessi. I'm always so tired..."
Softly rubbing Vivian's hands with her thumbs, Dessi continued with her gentle comfort.
"Hate can do that to you, my dear. I know it's hard but somehow you'll have to figure out how to let it go."
Vivian's lower lip trembled at that and she leaned her head down onto the table, once again struggling to hold back more tears. How could she learn to let it go? How could she possibly accept Renard having sex with other people? How could she stand seeing the happiness she so desperately wanted flaunted in front of her face?
"But how can I let it go? How can I accept the fact that Renard has sex with so many other people and will continue to do so? Why can't he just choose me?"
Dessi was silent for a while as she just stared at Vivian's head, but soon she was also leaning down so that her head was pretty much resting on the table. Loosening her grip on one of Vivian's hands, she lifted it up to soothingly pat at Vivian's head. This caused a soft rumble of approval and comfort to escape from Vivian before she peeked over at Dessi. When the two women locked eyes, Dessi gave her a soft smile.
"Oh Vivian... I feel for you, I really do. I remember once when I was younger I had a man that I was head over heels in love with and when I found out that I wasn't his only lover it broke me. The only time I felt even a little better was when I was experiencing physical pleasure and so I lost myself to countless men. At some point that numbness turned to genuine enjoyment and I was able to let my first love go by finding pleasure in all the small moments of my life. Now, that's not to say I would suggest you go sleeping around, but there is something to be said for learning to find pleasure in all aspects of your life rather than just focusing on what makes you miserable."
Dessi so rarely spoke of her past experiences with any seriousness, so to have her open up like this to Vivian just imparted to her how sincere Dessi was. She wasn't trying to sabotage Vivian in any way, she was legitimately just trying to come up with ideas for Vivian to try going forward. The advice that Dessi was giving her was certainly sound, but the more she thought about it the more she worried it would end up with her feeling the same as this evening. Clenching her eyes shut now, she tried to resist another wave of tears trying to build up in her eyes.
"It's so hard to push out the dark thoughts though..."
"I know, Vivian. I know..."
The two women were silent for a couple moments as Dessi continued to gently stroke Vivian's head, and she had to admit that the sensation was immensely comforting. It was helping fend off the tears that were threatening to fall.
"All I can really say is keep persevering. When you start to feel a negative thought immediately think of something positive instead, and Vivian... I know you don't like to see me like this but if they ever get too much for you then you can always come and talk to me."
Letting out a soft groan of acknowledgment, Vivian couldn't help some more words from slipping out.
"This is the worst..."
Before Dessi could really ask her what was the worst, Vivian shifted to sit up, displacing Dessi's hands from this motion.
"Being comforted by you is so pathetic! You, one of the sources of my unhappiness!"
It was clear the Vivian wasn't genuinely upset by this, but was more lamenting the fact that it was the case. She was tired of feeling sorry for herself and was trying to add a bit of levity back into things. A levity that was mixed with her own unhappiness and sadness though, so it came off more than a bit weird. Dessi couldn't help letting out a bit of a chuckle at that.
"I'm only your rival because you make me so."
A soft growl was the only response that Dessi really got from Vivian and soon Vivian's eyes settled on the tea that was sitting in front of them. Wiping at her face to try and erase any evidence of the tears, she grumbled softly, mostly to herself.
"And now look at what you've done, you're trying to make us waste this tea!"
Despite these accusatory words Vivian was sending Dessi's way, Dessi just had a soft smile on her face.
"I'm sure you're over exaggerating, I imagine it's perfect to drink right now."
As much as she hated to admit it, Vivian did feel a lot better now that she had cried to Dessi and talked to her about it. This had been... Honestly quite nice. If she had been alone, she would've fixed up her tea, glared at it for a while, and then headed back up feeling about the same as she had when she came down. Now though... Now she felt almost lighter.
Both women then picked up their tea, and sure enough it was the perfect temperature.
This was the second time now that Dessi had helped her feel better and Vivian kind of resented it. She almost wished that she had revealed these weaknesses to anyone else! But... At the same time, perhaps Dessi was the only one she really could tell: since Vivian already didn't like her much she didn't have to worry about somehow offending Dessi.
… No! She wasn't going to let this become a habit! Or at least, it certainly wasn't going to be intentionally a habit. Though... If crying like this allowed her to feel a little better then maybe she might find herself in the kitchen in the evenings more often. Maybe.
Vivian wiped what remained of the tears off her face and took a deep breath to steady herself. She might look a little worse for wear at the moment but that was bound to fade soon, right? Even if it didn't, it's not like Renard usually lit a candle or anything. Now that she was no longer crying, and had finished her tea, she promptly stood up from the table, trying to return back to the usual Vivian.
"Well that's enough of that, I think. Goodnight, Dessi."
There was no thank you for the tea or for her sitting there listening to her, but Dessi didn't seem to mind. In fact, she just smiled at the younger girl until Vivian's face contorted into a slight pout. Dessi was supposed to be her rival, not her friend! Turning on her heel then, she quickly retreated from the kitchen, heading back to the guest room.
This time though, she felt like she wasn't going to lose her mind in the dark.
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone