Chapter 80: Before ‘Identity’ is ‘Self, And Before Even That Is...
I wished to journey through my 'Self' for a moment and find my true nature, that's why I chose to live within the boundaries I created for years. In the depths of my subconsciousness and thoughts.
In my view was the world of my unconscious, it was blank and colourless. There was no light, no darkness, no reality, to the point that the bounds of my imagination wasn't restricted here.
In here, my body was sitting peacefully before a screen like in a theatre. There before me was what was considered my 'Bob persona', pressing buttons on a controller to get the 'Self' shown on the screen moving. His actions were predetermined.
After becoming disillusioned by reality, I've been unable anything but watch the screen silently.
This wasn't because I could though... My 'Persona' was that of Damian, so I wasn't even needed here.
In fact, it was me who chose to lock this part of me here after realising my own faults as a 'Human'.
"You seriously are an annoying brat...!" Suddenly, a voice that could never and should never existed in this imaginary world rang inside my ears. The 'Bob persona' didn't seem to react at all as a figure appeared behind him sporting a sinister smile.
"How can you say you're not 'Human'?" He spoke while sporting the same face I hated to my very core....! Who else would wear the 'Identity' of Damian without feeling embarrassment of shame?
Why is he here? No, how can he even be here?!
"You seem to have a lot of questions."
Even though that was true, I didn't answer anything he said. After all, it would 'validate' his existence.
When 'voices' like these arose, it was best to not interact with them. Lest the 'fake' becomes 'real'.
It was a law I always reminded to myself.
"And why is that, exactly?"
...I had no idea what he was getting at.
"You..." He hesitated deliberately before continuing with knowing look: "...seem experienced in this~!"
After finishing his sentence, the imaginary world around me changed and 'darkness' arose within. It swallowed up everything and isolated the two of us in a black room. Now, we were at my mind's 'floor level' that was under my sea of consciousness.
Since we were here, I could finally tell him:
'Leave.' As usual, I went straight to my point.
"Aren't you going to ask who I am?"
'You do not exist.'
"Does that mean I'm meaningless?"
'It does.'
"Oh? That's not something 'Damian' would say." A teasing look appeared in his eyes as he waved his hand. Behind me, another screen emerged beyond my control. But 'why' didn't really matter to me.
Instead, what caught my attention was 'what' was being shown on the screen I'd turned to look at.
Inside the screen was a young boy I could only vaguely recognise, yet was unable to remember.
It was a kid who sucked at art yet loved to create things. Imaginary figures no one else wanted.
Until a certain point, this kid was nothing special and wasn't even the kind people would find it worth to look back at. He was just an 'ordinary' child in a home that thrived off its dysfunctional outlook.
And later, the kid would become a 'soldier'
Though that didn't matter right now. What was shown on the screen was a certain memory of my youthful days in primary school library. The kid on the screen seemed immersed in a certain book:
{1001 Facts About The World}
What an embarrassing memory. Even now, I still remembered how my teachers thought of me as some kind of 'smart kid' for picking up such a book. When the reality was the exact opposite...
'What does this have to with anything?'
"Much more than you think." He gestured me to continue watching, and I saw my younger self get interested in fictional books for the first time. The eyes of my younger self gazed at another book.
{King Arthur and the merry Roundtable Knights}
I found it 'funny' to see the younger version of me get so excited and sincerely invested in such a cliché story. With Morgan Le Fay as the central antagonist, and a whole bunch of the Arthurian Mythos ignored for the sake of convenience of portraying a better image of original characters in the legends, the story wasn't worth looking at...
Even so, why did he come here to show me this?
'Do you think I would be moved?'
"You've always been a old brat. Of course I didn't expect any response from an idiot like you."
'Just leave.' Seeing that he was having a hard time catching my interest, he chose another option.
The contents on the screen changed as he shuffled through all the times I read a book or story for the sake of convenience. Yes, it wasn't like there was any meaning in all that I'd read.
"Or so you'd like to believe."
'...What do you mean?'
He fast forwarded forwards to the times I was sitting at home and being a NEET, the expression on the face of my young adult self looked blank as if the only things existed in his head were stories.
He had truly become immersed into it, and then, as like every other day, his family woke him from his trance... But as he looked around this time, it was as if he had touched upon the world's 'absurdity'.
To think, something as simple as immersing myself in a story had made me forget about my own existence for a moment, and when I was 'awoken' back to reality, everything came rushing back in.
It felt as if my 'Identity' was casually reapplied onto my 'Self' back then. Like everything was a dream.
Now that I think about it...
I never read the end of my favourite novels, did I?
"You seem less serious now."
'You are not 'Chaos', are you?' This question was met with a silence that validated my claim.
If he wasn't Chaos, then who was wearing my identity as 'Damian' before me? I wanted to ask-
"Don't think I'll ever tell you the truth."
'Why not?'
"You CAN'T HANDLE the truth!" Like in my early days when I at least tried to socialise, he weirdly spoke in reference to memes I don't remember. It felt strange hearing this kind of tone from 'Me'.
'Just tell me the truth.'
"I'm your ghost of past, future, and present~"
'Are you not going to answer?'
"That was enough of an answer. Anyway, it's true that you wouldn't be able to handle 'knowing me'."
'Then leave.'
"Why are you so keen on kicking me out...?!"
'Obviously, I want to be alone.'
"But do you like being alone?" This question came out of left field as I didn't know why he asked.
'Does it even matter? We both don't exist. None of anything we do will affect Harmony's 'Self'.'
"That isn't what I meant." He sat down in front of me and gestured to me. Considering none of this would actually matter on the to the big picture, I'd figured it wouldn't matter and did the same thing.
"What is 'life' to you?"
'A game.' This was an answer that immediately came out considering it was a popular meme.
"Wrong. Have you forgotten that 'thought'?"
Both of us sat side by side to watch as I tried my hand at creating stories, yet failed every time.
The self-granted nickname of 'Prologue Master' arose in my heart as I watched the me from Earth try several times to write a story. I was an avid reader, but my storytelling sucked spectacularly.
From (The Rebelling Selfless Hero} to the {The Invincible Fist Monarch}, there was many works.
This was someone who'd spend hours writing notes to world-build a story, then end up throwing those notes in the scrap heap as soon as I'd finished the first chapter. Of course, there was a reason that 'me' kept on wasting time like this...
It was because of the cycle of a 'creator' who made things out of interest. Not out of professionalism.
Again, he'd immerse himself into a different story he liked, gained a desire to write that story, before trying to recreate that 'feeling' it gave, and lastly, I would scrap it after losing interest after a week...
This cycle repeated again and again as I watched stories of different genres and 'immersed' myself.
I could truly sympathise with the characters written in stories thanks to filling in the gaps and trying to understand them myself. No matter what kind of personality then had, I'd try to emphasise and see if there was at least one aspect I could relate to.
And surprisingly, I realised through checking the reviews of those stories online that someone like me wasn't cut out to criticise the works of fiction that I liked. After all, 'immersion' was too easy for me. As well as imagining future scenarios.
Half my mind would always be in my imagination after reading a Webnovel chapter, which was the reason I acted so mindless in my early life. Oh how much I regret it...! I've always wished to go back to those times so I could punch myself in the face!
Why the hell did I ever think that life was like a bogus story, one that wouldn't sell for much...?
'You really reviewed Damian a bit too much...'
"You should try it as well. I mean, for a guy so self-centred he could barely communicate his thoughts properly, you 'reviewed' yourself way more than any other story in the universe. I guess you should get a medal of honour for that, at least~"
'Screw off.'
"Not happening, not unless you sit down and have a check on your own state mind. Have you not even realised yet? You have 'reviewed' yourself ever since you reincarnated. You have become too immersed in your own story and lost yourself."
'...Why would that matter now? We are in an imaginary world inside the depth of Harmony's subconscious mind. Anything that happens here is like a fleeting thought to 'her'. The only thing that would happen is that she'd get a passing thought.'
"And a 'passing thought' is all she needs." Even though I didn't know or care about the true Self of this 'Damian' before me. Since there was no harm in doing so, I decided to stroll through my dreams.
Even though Harmony getting by Existentialism got her on the brink of breaking her immersion in this tragic 'story of my life', she was able to keep herself together by keeping her thoughts to the level of merely complaining about her absurd life.
"What was reading like back then? When you actually had the time to read and write?"
'A hobby.' I answered without reservation as I thought back to those times in my memories.
Around us appeared younger versions of me in different ages of my life, all reading regardless.
"I mean: What did you feel about your hobby."
'You already know this, so why bother asking?'
"A question can stimulate memories... Like those ones over there." There was a memory of Damian in his younger years reading a long-forgotten with his older sister, and also seeing her write as well.
'...Stop!' He hurriedly hid those memories away.
"Hah... You really haven't changed one bit." His sigh made my face distort in a flicker of rage.
'Do you have to dig up unnecessary stuff?'
"Everything is necessary for you remember again."
'There is no point in-'
"Have you forgotten that every story needs a main character? If life is a story, then you are it's centre!"
These words hit my heart as I tried looking away from the figure of the intruder that seemed bigger than I thought it would look... He then waved his hand, and my final moments appeared in front of me like a phantom. Events played out as before.
I was laying on my arm chair, alone and without anyone around me, and then got 'transported' out.
Even though my true death was after I'd been summoned to another world, this was how my 'Self' on Earth ceased to exist. The 'Self' called Damian Stuman became blurry at that point...
Split souls, split bodies, and that bodies gaining both sentience as well as a soul of his own...
What did this 'Sibling' amount to if not Chaos?
Then there was the fact that. My 'end' came and yet nobody I cared for was there to see me off...
"You can't accept this conclusion, can you?"
'What do you think?' Is he joking with me? Who the Hell could accept dying without anyone to care?
My worst nightmares had come true...
"You whine too much. Haven't you realised that your 'Self' as Damian Stuman is still right here?" He pointed at me, which caused me confusion... What was he going on about? I didn't even truly 'exist'...
"Do you want to exist?'
'My 'Self' is Harmony.' Those words flowed out quite smoothly as I revealed the big problem.
I already knew my 'Self'.
"Like you actually frickin' do...!" There was finally a genuinely frustrated look on his face as he spoke.
"What do you define as your 'Self' as Harmony anyway? How do you even 'define' yourself?"
'By rules.'
"Like hell you do, Sherlock! This is why I tell you to bloody 'review' yourself for once, or I'll do it for you!" His eyes were bloodshot as he grabbed onto my collar. It was as if I had triggered his traumas...
"Fine. You don't want to do it? Then let me ask you a few questions after 'reviewing' the current you."
It didn't seem like he'd give me a choice anymore.
"What is the colour of life?"
'Grey.'
"And why is that?"
'Because there's no clear black and white in the world.' That's what all my experiences tell me.
"You lied." The man spoke with certainty.
"Isn't that just a way to run from your own 'Evil'? If you truly believed the world was 'grey', then how would you be able to trust your own morality? How would you be able to judge others as 'evil'?" As he said this, two figures had manifested before me.
The first was the nameless assassin I didn't get to know, while the other was a vision of Dorothy...
'Evil doesn't matter as much as survival... What I did back then was in the moral grey area. As for Dorothy's fate, I wouldn't change it even if it was being 'evil' on my part. Not by one action.'
As if seeing that I wouldn't budge on that point, he made Dorothy's figure disappear. This only left behind the nameless assassin killed way back when I was trying to keep Simon's family safe.
"Children can't be named good or evil, but adults like us have to live with the label others give us." As he spoke these words, the label of 'Kill Switch' suddenly flew through the air and stuck on me.
"And I name you: 'Evil'...!" His words were heavy as he tried exploiting the trauma 'Simon' had felt.
As I wasn't him, my emotions were stable, but there was still a hint of remorse in my heart, as I actually agreed with the first half of his words. If there was one thing I wouldn't budge on, then that would be my insistence on the innocence of kids.
Children could never be 'evil', only ignorant. They can do things and regret then more than adults...
"Existentialism has given a chance to 'review'. So let me ask you again. How do you define Harmony? And how do explain why you still can't accept the un-erasable identities of your former selves?"
'Easy for you to say. You have never known what it is like to have lived a life the way I did...!'
"Did you just make a 'pathetic' excuse?" The eyes of the man narrowed onto my figure ominously.
"You can forget your other 'identities', but you can never forget the 'Identity that created Self'. Just look at your figure, when did you choose to live as an idealistic 'soldier' even inside your mind?" There was a familiar coldness in my eyes as he spoke.
'Shut it and leave.'
"Not until you 'find yourself'."
'To do that is to give some sort of contrived meaning to the life I had lead. Since you want to talk to 'me', then you can go ahead.' I flicked my fingers, and summoned my 'Self' to this place.
Wearing the same appearance as the one that she wore when she first came into existence as a Monster, she too was unable to recognise who was wearing the 'old' identity as her eyes widened.
"How is someone even able to enter here?" Was the first thing she said similar to what I'd thought.
This was despite already getting the gist of the situation from the memories I shared with her...
"Every story needs a 'Absolute Evil'. The reason I can enter here is for a similar reason." He reminded me of someone I knew with his cryptic words. What is he trying to get at by bringing 'evil' up so much?
"Either way, you are not welcome here."
"Harmony, you will regret not 'reviewing' your life and thinking of him as merely a 'switch'. Your first life is much more important than you think. Maybe it doesn't have the same amount of 'relevance' as that Divine Banquet in your story, but it will be important to over it again. That is, unless you want to lose someone else." He said in a agitated voice.
"If you want something: trade." She folded her arms as if she didn't know what he was on about.
"...Fine. But first, let me ask you this: Do you know the difference between 'Virtues' and 'Sins'?"
Again, he seemed to change the subject again. It was really strange. Most people would bring up facts and opinions to make a point, but this guy seemed to have a knack for dancing around it.
As if to threaten him, five shining Origin Shards appeared above her hand as she stood firm.
"Wrath, Apathy, Pride, Gluttony, Greed. There are many Evils in the world that can kill people." Her eyes were as dangerous as my own as we were getting ready to pounce towards this guy.
"Even 'Wickedness' can't be considered true evil. If doing 'evil acts' was indeed 'true evil', then what about the evil acts done for justice. Is it justified to murder a person as long as you deem them 'evil'?"
With such a sermon, he was able to defuse the situation once again by appealing to the internal philosophy we had built up. There was no way I wouldn't be able to recognise this politician-like argument as he successfully coaxed us again.
"No matter what you think, there will be a day when your emotions will make you do things outside of your control. Unless you address the root of this issue by taking in the maturity of your past 'Self' or put down your fury, you'll lose someone precious to you once again. That little girl won't survive to see days of the Holy War...!"
"....Why have you come here?" As I wasn't the type to interfere when someone else if doing the talk for me, I patiently waited until Harmony was able to ask this question after a long moment of silence...
"The day of the 'banquet' is arriving. Whether you like it or not, you'll have to meet Chaos."
"..." Harmony bit her lips.
"Are you ready to face him, as well as the others around him? Are you prepared for another 'war'?"
War, now that was a word I couldn't be more familiar with... Again, she kept her silence.
"Hehe, hahahaha!" Then out of nowhere, the intruder to our mind started laughing like crazy.
"Your first life was a Greek Tragedy, your second life was a more modern tragedy, and your third life was just bad luck. And yet you've learnt nothing from the failures, instead choosing to split yourself up and run away from reality like a coward...!"
I felt like going forward and killing this foreign intruder, but Harmony's arm had stopped me.
"Since you want a trade, then that's fine with me. I will give you another chance to right in this 'third life' of yours~" As he spoke to us, the whole imaginary world seemed to tremble violently.
As this was happening within Harmony's sea of consciousness, that meant her mind was collapsing...! What was the deal with this crazy imposter!? Is he trying to kill me once again?!
It happened so swiftly... The entire world went seemed to collapse in on itself! Harmony and I blacked out as it was like an apocalypse. The world itself seemed to be coming to an abrupt end...!!!
As I was losing my sight, I heard a clear voice:
"Become the 'full-stop' of this world! And make this story more than just a tragedy. Save it...!"
These words seemed to come from the depth of the imposter's heart as the imaginary world collapsed in on itself and caused the death of Harmony. At least, that's what I thought...
What is going on here?!
CREATORS' THOUGHTS 
FlowingWaves
FlowingWaves This story is going the Omniscient Reader route because I love that story so bad. Plus, it works in context since ‘Damian’ likes reading before he was quite forcibly enlisted into the army by his family.
I want to see the unplanned end of this story I never imagined before this, and I’ve gained a newfound appreciation for my readers due to it. Guess a work of fiction can do that to you. Oh, the wonders~
Thank you all for sharing your time.