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59.81% RWBY - The madness of Lappland / Chapter 64: The dream of an enslaved wolf

Chapter 64: The dream of an enslaved wolf

Blake pov

Kali : " Blake we both know that Lappland at that time was not often herself . We both know that it was mainly due to her mental state , which doesn't excuse anything Lappland did as a White Wolf but it certainly puts it in a different light . However at the time I for one was very tired of constantly worrying about you two . So, without thinking about it too much, I got carried away with my emotions, which made me acte instinctively. "

Kali : " I didn't look at the situation from Lappland perspective and I didn't delve into her thoughts . I didn't listen to her version of events . I didn't even consider her mental state and her mental illnesses . Simply when I confirmed that what she did had happened I felt it was right to punish her . It may have been a quick thought that never even had time to come true , but it was there ."

Mum says with bitterness in her voice. I can really tell by her face that she regrets it . But I also understand her feelings as I too feel this anger that arose from the realization that people not involved, in the affairs of the white fang Suffered at the hands of Lappland. However, now that anger is almost gone . Because I am no longer so stupid and blind as to believe that I have not harmed innocents with my actions .

Kali : " Blake , Lappland is not simple . To even begin to understand her we both had to spend years with her . As for you it was always more difficult because of your age and your approach to the world . But me? Unlike you, I know more. As I know Lappland's past I understand what she sees through her eyes . "

Mom says , catching my attention with the mention of Lappland's past . After this wards mum paused for a moment looking as if she was thinking . Eventually mum sighed and with the most gloomy and sad face she continues her thoughts .

Kali : " Lappland..... She doesn't have the same view of the world as we do . The way she sees colours the way she hears people's voices , the way she perceives facial expressions and the atmosphere of her surroundings . Each of these things are the first things she pick up from her surroundings as child. Although everything seems to be identical to every other person for her it is different . Everyone should see the biutifule colours of the world . However Lappland sees only black , white and... red ."

Cali : " Because of the conditions in which Lappland grew up , her first contacts with the world is wrong . First voices are for her associated with loud shouts and annoying noises . The male face are pain and pathology , the female face are betrayal and lies . The adults in Lappland's eyes had become someone untrustworthy , a direct source of her pain. "

Mum says squinting her eyes for a moment . However, she is not looking at me rather she is looking into space thinking about something deep .

Kali : " Lappland growing up was not listened to , Lappy was not free , the love she received was not even close to be enough to cover or ease her pain. Lappland was treated like an animal , so she became one too . I do not know myself what exactly was going on at the time what I am saying now is a simple psychological analysis combined with the study of Lappland's body . "

Kali :" But one thing I am sure of if it were not for Lappland's mother , little Lappy would already be dead , and even if she had lived I do not even want to think how worse life could have been for her . Blake what you should understand from this or you already understand is that , the only thing Lappland really knows is lies and violence . "

Says mum with so much emotion and weight in her voice that I feel it all even deeper than my words can describe . However, her words became even more profound and painfull when she mentioned Lappland's mother. I could see her trying to hide this reaction however her words when she spoke of Lappland's mother sounded as if she knew her

Her tone was as if she was talking about a old friend her eyes did not help hide these reactions either. However, out of respect for my mother's silence and pain I did not ask . But by then I had already confirmed that Lappland's story is much more connected to my parents than they want to admit .

Kali : "From Lappland's first visit to the psychologist, me and your father already knew how bad it was with her . It was so bad that we knew that she would never be considered normal by people . Her treatment plans were multi-year plans . And it was in the first instance that these negative views of Lappland's world were to be suppressed . "

Kali : " Unfortunately, Lappland was already suppressing many memories and emotions by which nothing could be done without breaking her comfort zone . However, over time these views and wildness on her began to straighten and fade on their own . Unfortunately, it was only later that it became apparent that her old view of the world , along with her animalistic behaviour had not disappeared . Rather it was retained , absorbed by her other self which was already a huge problem at that time . "

Mum says sighing with fatigue. At my mother's words I myself recalled that monstrous part of Lappland that I had already seen in her . Just then in Atlas when she rescued me , she tore people's throat with her teeth and bit off their fingers while at the same time they threw her little body all over the bathroom .

Lappland didn't show the slightest human behavior then, she was just an animal backed into a corner. For the next few years this behaviore it almost never appeared until we joined the white fang together . Lappland over time became more aggressive even to fellow members occasionally growling at them as a response while showing her fangs .

Kali : " For many years of her life Lappland relied only on her aggressive primal instincts to survive . Which caused her old world recognition and memories to hide there too, thus creating a second more violent and savage personality . Unfortunately, Lappland's instincts have influenced her so much that they have become an inseparable part of her. It is the instincts of Lappland , that is her schizophrenic voice in her head . Her second self . A monster I don't want to see in my own daughter . The Lone White Wolf of the white fang "

Says mom pressing one of the titles that Lappland through her career of several years has collected . Lone wolf defines the last year when everyone including even me turned away from Lappland leaving her with the title of lone . A title used right next to mad Lappy or rabies wolf.

Kali : " Unfortunately, because of so much pressure on this Lappland brutal self . It has become completely unstable and deranged by the past . So it constantly presses on Lappland causing more damage . Unfortunately Lappland is so deeply connected to her instincts that they directly merge with her core self . Luck's instinct for self-preservation suppresses Lappland's natural instinct. "

Says mum slowly explaining . Mum doesn't have to do that though , over the years of knowing Lappland I have looked at this type of confusing mental illness many times making me understand how one can affect the other making everything even more complicated . This is how I know how unstable and hopeless Lappland's situation is .

Kali : " Hence Lappland personality disorder . Her two selves unconsciously clash affecting her . Disturbance or abrogation on either side can lead to extreme emotional disturbance. However, it also works the other way round. Intensifying emotions directly affect the Lappland selves , which have gained their own voice and appearance through schizophrenia creating a real impact on Lappland . This is why she can be so easily annoyed , angered , driven to fury . "

Kali : " This is why Lappland is so often cold and indifferent . That's why small Lappy does such stupid things despite her intelligence . Therefore, I cannot really judge Lappland for her crimes even if she herself is aware of them . I can not judge a young girl who for most of her youth has seen things at which even adults should not see . How can I judge a girl who even as an infant had her bones broken . How can I judge a girl who only saw the sun for the first time at the age of six . How can I be angry at a girl who enjoys even the mere feeling of fresh wind on her face . Lappland is someone for whom freedom was not guaranteed from the beginning ."

Says mom when with every word tears gather in her eyes and her voice breaks . I myself also tightened my lips . Listening more myself I began to cry at the same time biting my cheek so hard until I felt the taste of blood in my mouth .

Kali : " Lappland is a wolf , a wolf who was kept on a chain for most of her life . A wolf whose fangs have sharpened more and more over time by the pain and will. A wolf who needed her freedom like a bird needs the sky . But the world of Lappland has been locked within her chain for too long , so that even with freedom in her hands she doesn't understand how to live with it . "

Kali : " Her past and fear of it limits her , creating a monster within her . A monster in Lappland , which we have experienced with our own eyes . A monster who is lurking in her waiting patiently until Lappland's will weakens and she hides within herself letting her instincts take over . I know it still doesn't explain anything, I know it's not fair to many people but Lappland..... is sick and she cannot be held fully responsible for her actions in the state she was in at that time ."

Says mom emphasizing her point of view . And honestly from the information given by mom I know that Lappland has already suffered her own in life and the fate I inflicted on her was painful enough for her .

' The only person who has not suffered punishment for her sins is me .'

I think . However, despite these thoughts, I tried to behave normally to no longer sadden my mother . Both of us are apparently fed up with negative emotions .

Kali : " Perhaps more knowledge for you , about Lappland past would have changed everything that happened but I was afraid to tell you . Not because I don't trust you but because knowledge Lappland's past might change too much in you . This case goes far beyond domestic violence . And it involves dangerous circles of people creating danger from the very understanding of what consequences this informations has."

Kali : " Besides, I have come to the conclusion that Lappland's past is not something you should hear from me but from Lappland herself as no one has the right to tell you about it except her."

Mom says explaining herself . And I fully understand her .

' It's Lapplad's past and no one has the right to talk about it except her , especially with the burden that this past carries. '

Thinking about it I look at my mother who looks at me with a weak smile.

Kali : " And it is because I know all these things and know the whole truth , I really thought I would never see my little Lappy . I thought that the past had caught up with her , that this demon had finally found her !!"

Says mom at first with sadness and then mentioning the " demon " she explodes with an anger I have never seen in her . Mom's pupils contracted as if in Lappland's eyes when showing her teeth she hit the wooden table with her fist and by the sounds it made immediately afterwards I could tell it was seriously damaged . However, immediately afterwards, Mom calmed down and looked at me again .

Kali : " Balke darling you do not understand Lappland as well as I do , but even with all my knowledge I don't know how to deal with her. Over the years of looking after her I have learnt more and more about her so that I know that despite how tough she may seem , she is terribly fragile . Maybe her body is a "perfect killing machine". Maybe her thinking is different. "

Kali : " But we both know that in them end , a gesture, a word or just a bad day and Lappland strong , dominant personality comes crashing down. This whole mask of hers is just pretending to be a castle . But unfortunately this castle Is made of glass which when broken eventually hurts her even more . Thats why Lappland needs the support of people who even if they don't understand her well .... still love her and guide her by the hand through this world that wants to drag the worst out of her . "

Kali : " Lappland is a good child , no matter what she does , she was always honest about it . It's just that some wounds never heal and just cause pain in a person for the rest of his life . In the end , it is impossible to forget some things even if we want to . But don't forget Balke that if you cross the border and break Lappland ..."

At that moment mom fell silent . I could see the tears gathered in her eyes again .

Kali : " She will kill you . "

Says mom directly with a palpable pain in her voice caused by the mere enunciation of this thought . I for that feel a cramp in my heart , because I realize it very well . Even if in my entire life , Lappland has never hurt me does not mean that the moment Lappland loses her mind she will not do so , especially since she has every right to hate me .

Kali : " Blake I never want to think about the fact that I lost you because of Lappland just as I never want to lose her because of you . Both of you are important to me . The only thing I want to see is your smiles . That secretive , shy smile of yours at which you always blush and the pure and kind of real smile that only Lappland can show ."

Says Mum , smiling herself . I don't blame her , the thought of the Lappland genuine and pure smile is really comforting , especially since it is shown by a person who has been through a lot .

Unfortunately , according to Mum's words , the smile on Lappland's face over the past few years has been invisible . Even at the beginning of her career in white fang Lappland practically stopped smiling . The only smile that remained was that smile full of pain showing the edges of Lappland's madness .

Kali : " How much I wouldn't give up to see her with such a smile again . "

Says mom completely anticipating my thoughts which causes me another sting in my heart . I received the first such smile in years when I helped Lappland escape from her prison after a year . It was our first meeting in a year and her first real smile in years . However , I could well see the way she looked at me then , it was as if she was absent . Just awakened from a strong and long sleep .


Chapter 65: Cat that hurt the wolf

Blake pov

After Mom's words there was a moment of silence between us . Most of the initial emotions had already subsided in us although the atmosphere was still somber . This brief period of calm gave the two of us a moment to think . It also allowed me to think and understand Mom's approach to all this and .... I understood that mom is not making excuses for anyone because for her everyone has a fault in this situation . And perhaps there is a little right .

' However, do I have the right to tell about someone else's guilt ? When I myself bear the mark of betrayal of a person close to me . Neglecting her despite her condition , causing her further suffering in imprisonment and loneliness . I caused pain to my mother and father , anyone who cares about Lappland . I supported an organization that is considered terrorist and honestly looking from the perspective of ordinary people they are right '

I think all way back to that moment when it all hit me . When it hit me that the all imperfection in the actions of the white fang , I blamed on Lappland . However, the person destroying the white fang was always Adama . Yes Lappland was aggressive and unpredictable , however she was also sick . For that Adam did all this deliberately and lied to me , even when I asked him to calm down he was the same , not like Lappland who tried to control herself .

' But Lappland was also stubborn from the beginning . I really thought that when she felt hurt she would let go . How was I supposed to know that she would really jump into the fire for me , even when it was I who created that fire myself ? How was I supposed to know how strongly she loved me , when I myself ignored her for fear of abandoning my own ideals ???? How was I supposed to understand when I was so blind to the world around me ?? Why did Lappland hurt herself like that ??? Lappland is crazy , but is she so crazy to follow me and thus allow herself to be hurt on behalf of someone like me ?? '

Thinking about all this I . I .... I simply could not understand and I still do not understand why Lappland loves me so much ?

' Lappy sacrificed so much to try to protect me from myself . Is it really obsession from the first meeting , did I hit her too hard then ? I just don't understand why it was Lappland who chose me of all people ? There were so many people who were closer to Lappland from the very beginning . '

' Sienna , my mother ... So many people and yet I was the one who became Lappland's obsession and support . From the first meeting for Lappland we were friends , lovers ... family . But is it really enough for Lappland to ignore everything I did to her ? '

Thinking about it I remember Mom's last words .

Blake : "Mom do you really believe that after all that has happened between me and Lappland everything can be the same ? Do you believe that I deserve it . I understand that everyone had their fault in this but you can not ignore my direct fault . I am the one who ultimately stabbed Lappland ."

I ask my mother directly , seeing that she secretly hoped that my relationship with Lappland would continue . For me this hope was faint however the look at my mom face ..... She really seems to believe it .

Kali : " I don't know Blake . It's not up to me it's up to Lappland . But looking at the fact that you live together , I would like to believe that at least you are not hostile to each other . However you tell me Blake what Lappland thinks about what happened ."

Says mom with real hope in her voice at which I can only sigh .

Blake : " Lappland pretends that nothing has happened , she behaves just the same as she did at the time before she joined the white fang . I am sure she is aware of everything but she just doesn't want to bring up the subject ."I tell mom as it is , while combing my fingers through my hair , which fell on my face . Mom looked at me as if judging the situation from my words , then with a sigh she looked deeply into my eyes .

Kali : " Then what is the problem Blake ? Looking at your attitude it seems to me that you yourself are not willing to continue the relationship . What is going on Blake ? "

Asks mom , looking at me confused and uncertain . Sighing I rub my hand through my hair again ruining it . Not caring about the hair on my face , I tell my mother what I think , after all , she would draw out the truth from me anyway .

Blake : " Mom I ... I love Lappland and a relationship with her is probably the only thing I could dream of in the future..... Unfortunately I only realized this when I lost her .... When Lappland was not with me I understood what loneliness I felt without her . Many times at night I had dreams about Lappland . When I was with Adam I thought only of her , not of him . Sometimes the most ordinary things reminded me of her , I was so desperate to smell her in things she never touched . When I realized the betrayal of Adam and others , I felt lonely in the crowd ..... I felt the lack of any friendships . When I realized that I lost Lappland because of them ... I felt as if I had died inside"

Blake : " For the first time in my life , I felt that I had lost something inside me . I love Lappdumb even when she is doing everything that annoys me so much . Her one smile with that one wild look of hers , gives me a feeling that only I can get from her . Only in Lappy's embrace ..... I feel loved , I feel safe , I feel .... so at home . The feeling of her heartbeat , her smell , her warmth . Without her everything is so boring . Even if Lappland is a barrel of explosive dust , this feeling of danger makes me feel alive . Only Lappland can wash away the stress from me with one hug , only her smell and touch allows me to feel so many conflicting emotions . "

Blake : " Only with her in one bed I can fall asleep so quickly . Only in the presence of Lappland can I have such a pleasant sleep . Only Lappland can destroy all my defenses with one kiss . Only she can convey so many feelings to me with one look . Only Lappland can be so gentle , while being so dominant . I love her , I doubt that I will ever feel something like that for someone ... "

In the end I ran out of words . Before I could say anything more I gasped and gathered myself to cry again . Every word I said brought me more memories . The nice memories as well as the bad ones . And even memories that I would be ashamed to admit . However , the important thing is that I do not lie about my feelings . Even if she sometimes irritates me , Lappland is my life , my love , my true passion and I do not know how to deal with the fact that I hurt her , even if she forgives me I can not forgive myself .

Kali : " So what is the problem Blake ? If you love her and she has forgiven you , then what is the problem ? I understand that there will be problems but you can't give up ."

Mom said . And surprisingly her words ..... made me angry . I was angry because mom so simply brushed the subject aside just like Lappy . Feeling tears flow from my dry eyes again , I let my anger carry me away . Anger that was built from my inner disgust and anger at myself .

Blake : " What is the problem !!!! Everything is the problem ... What I did to her does not deserve a second chance . I did something so horrible and it eats me up from the inside , mom !!! I can't even look in the mirror without wanting to punch myself in the face , let alone look Lappland in the face when she looks at me with those eyes that are in love with me . I feel like the worst monster mom . I fucked up , I hurt her .... I feel disgusted with myself seeing her feelings for me . I don't deserve this love , damn it !!!! "

I scream in frustration grabbing the ribbon on my head only to ripp it from my ears , at the same time with my other hand I squeeze the scroll so hard that I feel my fingers sink into the casing . However , after two breaths the pain in my hoarse throat brought me back to order . Tossing the ribbon aside I wipe my tears again .

Then feeling even worse for having yelled at my mother I look at her and just as I thought she doesn't seem happy , but nevertheless I see sadness in her eyes . It's like when I or Lappy did something wrong by which mom was angry with us , and yet she felt sad for being angry with us . In other words, my mom was disappointed in me . However, I am also disappointed in myself

Kali : " Blake Belladonna !!!!! You want to run away again !!! This girl has suffered so much and still loves you . You say that Lappland is aware of everything that happened , which means that she is now doing everything consciously for you , because she feels something for you despite what you did to her . Do you know how she must love you to forgive this and do you realize how broken she will be if you continue to reject her after all this just because of your own selfishness and fear ?? Lappland is too fragile for that !!! Blake if Lappland breaks because of this , I will not forgive you !!! Not this . You can run away from the white fang but I won't let you run away from it . "

Cali : " You love Lappland and she loves you . If it was different it would have to be resolved differently , because I could not force you to love someone . But what you are doing now will destroy not only your life but the life of Lappland , which I will not allow you to do because I love you both . I raised you to be a model of a true member of the white fang , not a terrorist but someone fighting for freedom , someone brave and proud in expressing who they are and what they believe in and stand for . Not a coward who runs away from every problem she is afraid to solve , hiding behind everything she can . "

Says mom, with a furrowed brow . Her voice drips with disappointment and anger and her shout at the very beginning combined with the pounding of her fist on the table scared me . Because I can't remember the last time mom was so angry with me or anyone that she yelled. So many times we had smaller arguments that could be intense when the subject of the argument was white fang , Adam or Lappland . However mom was never that angry .

Kali : " Stop feeling sorry for yourself Balke , you are no longer a child much less the main victim of all this . Yes , Adama fooled you . But believe me not only you . You know when I first time met Adam I was grateful to him for saving your father.But you know what , Lappland because of her past has always been cautious and sensitive to lies . That's why I myself from the beginning , noticing Lappland's behavior around Adam , I knew that there might be something wrong with him . "

Kali : " But still , just like you I thought that most of her hatred of Adam , is due to her pure jealousy because you were already fascinated by him . So don't worry about it Balke , because Adama also deceived me and your father . He has deceived everyone . If it wasn't for what you told me perhaps I would still be unaware of what kind of person he is . "

Saying this , mom already looked calm as if this outburst just now was just an illusion however in her eyes I could see her turbulent emotions when she mentioned this uncertainty about Adam that Lappland had from the beginning . Clearly she is angry that she trivialized it back then .

Kali : " But back to the actual and most important topic . You said yourself that Lappland is trying to skip this topic so even if it torments you , let her cool down it's only been how long , since you released her ? You haven't even given Lappland and yourself time to see how things are going between you . In my eyes you just want to break this relationship without looking at it that you are further hurting Lappland and yourself with this behavior . And in my opinion you want to do this because you yourself know that if it was Lappland who did this to you , you would not forgive her ."

Kali : " If you were , anyone other than my own child Blake ... I would have already skinned you alive for what happened to Lappland . You got chance Balke . A chance from the person you failed and betrayed , if I were in your shoes instead of whining and making excuses . I would be looking for ways to make her not regret this decision . Become the perfect pratner , lover , friend for her . Give her your time , cook her food , do anything to rebuild what these events destroyed between you . Even if it takes another decade . As it will be difficult , very difficult . Love is more than empty words and promises . It is boundless trust , closeness , compassion , willingness to sacrifice everything for the sake of the other , exactly what Is Lappland has been doing for you all this time and what you don't do . "

Kali : " Well unless you want to be punished ? Is that what this is all about ? You want Lappland to beat you , kill you , hate you , abandon you ... You know what Blake ..... Lappland loves you , she has already shown you that many times . Let this guilt of betraying her , be a punishment for you . Feel this disgust for yourself with every affection from her but don't let it continue to hurt her . "

Kali : " In the end , no matter what happens you will always be by Lappland's side because you love her yourself , and accept before it really comes to tragedy . Because by then it will be too late to show this affection to each other . You only have one life so don't waste it Blake , the kind of affection that Lappland gives you is very rare . It is doubtful that any couple would survive something like this. "

Says mom apparently annoyed by my lack of speech , but I ..... I don't know what to think . I know deep down that my mother is right , however I am confused . I gave up a long time ago ..... I ..... I gave up Lappland to some blonde .... I am really running away again . I run away even from the feelings of the person I hurt . The worst thing is that I also love this person . I would like to be with her , my little Lappdumb however .....

'What am I supposed to do ... I was spoiled ..... I was too comfortable in life . I thought this between me and Adam was love , but it was just an illusion in which I saw a perfect future in him , when in fact Lappland was building this future for me . Or rather she was trying her best to do it . In the end it was Lappy who loved me the most , she was always there holding my dreams and expectations on her back . Despite the fact that I stabbed her repeatedly she continued to love me without letting me go . '

' I told myself , even now that it is just her obsession however her eyes do not lie . Lappland never lies . Everything she did , she did consciously at the time . She knew what would happen that day , she even took her blades . But still Lappland counted on death because for her it was the only way to deal with her life and pain at that moment . '

' Lappland has always been the most wonderful thing to cherish . However, with my behavior I forced her to catch the razor and Lappland like a drowning person hurt herself being with an idiot like me . Because I was more important to her , more important than her own life . '

' Both Adam as well as Lappland have done a lot of bad things with the difference that Lappland thought of me from the beginning . I won't say that she is innocent , because even mom admitted that she did what she did . But I saw her crying , which only someone with a heart can do . She cried in front of me im that rainy day , and probably cried many times alone at the bottle . Monsters without a heart don't cry . '

' On the other hand Adam . Unlike Lappland , he never showed remorse , even when he was fully aware of what he was doing and I asked him to calm down . I knew that what happened to him in the past might have changed him , however, I never imagined that he would be a real monster . '

Kali : " Don't think too hard about it Blake . Rest ..... Too many emotions for today. Think about it tomorrow and decide . Now that you are together with Lappy in Vale , ready to join the academy I think you have already secured money ? If something happens , call and your father and I will send you more money , now we may be busy but we will come to visit you as soon as we are done with our business . I will talk to Aqua to help you in case of problems . And Blake , take care of Lappland . I love you ...."

After these words mom without waiting for my answer end the conversation . Leaving me alone in an empty dark room in which the sound of rain hitting the window was clearly set off . Looking into the window I can see the dark night on the other side which makes me know that I spent some time on this conversation . However, the first thing I thought of at that moment was ...

' Where is Lappland ?


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