章節 105: Chapter 105 The Ruin of Dolores Umbridge
*Author's Note*
I wonder if I might have gone just a little too far... meh, who cares.
Chapter 105 The Ruin of Dolores Umbridge
Sitting at the teacher's desk within the well worn room that was the Defense Against the Dark Arts Classroom of Hogwarts was a woman wearing a fuzzy pink cardigan and a small bow tied into her hair that gave others the impression of a large toad with a fly perched upon its head.
As the students of the fifth year class, the ones who would be taking their OWLs filled up the room, she first declared, "Wands away, quills out," to the collective sigh of every student who recognized the preamble to a boring and uninteresting class.
After a short introduction, this woman, Dolores Umbridge, instructed the class to copy into their notes the outline of the course she'd been appointed to teach.
. Understanding the principles underlying defensive magic.
. Learning to recognize situations in which defensive magic can legally be used.
. Placing the use of defensive magic in a context for practical use.
The only person who was not copying anything down, was Hermione Granger. She had received an unusual note that day filled with certain bits of information and instructions. She could not believe the information to be true, but had decided following the first step of the instructions would not cause any harm. She raised her hand.
After a few minutes of silence, Umbridge pointed her out and reluctantly stated, "Yes Miss Granger? You wanted to ask something?"
There were in fact many things she wanted to ask, but the note had been rather specific. She went along with it and asked aloud, "Although this class is Defense Against the Dark Arts, this book does not have any instructions on how to actually defend yourself if attacked by anything. May I ask why?"
The woman chuckled in a sickly sweet high pitched voice before reprimanding, "Do you expect to be attacked during class?"
For some reason, Hermione smiled. She wasn't completely sure why, but as the note gave a very clear answer for her to give to this exact question, she decided to provide it. "Oh no, not me Professor. But what about you? I'm sure you are aware of the history of this post. Our first year's Professor Quirrell died screaming, burnt alive with only a pile of ash remaining. Our second year's Lockhart Professor went mad and will likely remain in St. Mungo's for the rest of his life, writing his name with a crayon. Our third year's Professor Lupin got outed as a werewolf, and our four year's Professor Moody was locked in a trunk for nine months while being impersonated by an escaped Death Eater who the Minister ordered Kissed by Dementors."
Umbridge froze at that. She had been marginally aware of the fates of her predecessors, but had not really put the circumstances under much scrutiny. She certainly had not known that Quirrell died screaming.
Hermione continued as the note suggested, "So I wanted to know when whatever happens to you eventually happens, will you be demonstrating the Ministry Approved Self Defense practices in this book?"
All eyes turned to Umbridge. If she was targeted, would she practice what she preached?
Umbridge straightened her back and said, "There is no danger-"
The doors to the classroom swung open. All eyes turned to see what manner of creature had opened the door to fulfill the Curse upon the DADA position. What no one was expecting was that the person who threw open the doors, appeared to be a middle aged balding man wearing jeans, sneakers, and a T-Shirt with the word 'Muggle' printed clearly on the front for all to read.
Without introducing himself, the shirt identified muggle walked into the class through the line between rows directly up to Professor Umbridge.
Not recognizing the man, Umbridge frowned and stated, "Who are you and what are you doing, interrupting my class?"
The man gave a harmless smile at the woman but did not answer. Umbridge did not like that and raised her wand to shoot a spell at the man before he got any closer. He twisted to the side to dodge the spell and reached out to snatch her wand and toss it behind him.
Umbridge gasped in outrage but before she could shout a word of complaint, the muggle's mighty fist connected with her cheek, sending her to the floor. The muggle then bent down and grabbed the woman's collar with one hand to lift her into position for his other fist to continue doing its good work.
After two hits the Defense Professor realized she could not escape his grip and she shouted, "Help! Get Him off me!"
Hermione spoke loudly enough for everyone to hear, "According to Chapter 17, Part 2, Paragraph 3, 'In the Event that an assault on a Witch or Wizards by parties unknown is witnessed, we are not allowed to assist in any way but calling the Aurors.'"
Harry Potter, sitting in class with his friends was not truly understanding what he was witnessing, but in a moment of inspiration, he said, "And I know for a fact that casting any magic in the presence of a Muggle is Forbidden, especially if we are underaged. If anyone of use casts a spell in the presence of this Muggle, the Ministry will snap your wand."
Umbridge shouted, "Call an Auror!"
With that, Hermione got up and walked to the classroom exit. Before leaving, she turned to the rest of the class and asked, "Does anyone else want to follow the Professor's instructions and get an Auror with me?"
Starting with Harry Potter, everyone else in class got up one after another and followed Hermione out while the unknown Muggle continued to beat up Professor Umbridge. Harry was the only one who noticed on the way out that Hermione stepped on Umbrigde's wand, snapping it as she left.
Ron ran quickly to catch up to the two and practically shouted, "That was Brilliant!"
Some time later, Umbridge was taken to the Hospital Wing by McGonagall as some students actually asked to use her Floo to call the Aurors and she understandably asked why, before rushing over to find Umbridge alone, unconscious, and covered in bruises.
When she awoke in the Hospital Wing, she demanded action, but the problem was that Umbridge couldn't do anything against the culprit. There were no middle aged balding men in the castle, meaning someone had likely used a polyjuice potion on themselves before entering and Umbridge had not been able to find the assailant before the potion wore off.
The next morning, the Daily Prophet that arrived had a new story. The front page bore a large picture of Professor Umbridge being beaten by a muggle. The Headline stated, 'Brilliant new Teacher's Successful Demonstration of new DADA Curriculum.'
The article praised Umbridge as an 'Wondrous Innovator,' who was able to bring a 'Fresh New Perspective' on how the Ministry expects all Witches and Wizards to defend themselves.
The article even included multiple quotes from the newest, Ministry Approved, Defense textbook all students had been required to obtain showing exactly what is expected of those under assault.
The Ministry was less than prepared for the public's reaction. Though every parent of every student did purchase the new Ministry Approved Text for their children, that certainly did not mean they had read it themselves. This changed after the story was read. The fact that the book clearly outlines multiple instances where it was illegal to defend yourself was not something even the Dark Families could easily ignore.
The Dark Families were also unable to overlook the fact that the one the Ministry charged with the teaching of their children was completely unable to defend herself against a magic-less muggle.
The Daily Prophet was 'asked' to retract the story, but the entire stock of prints had been sold out and reprints were already scheduled for the evening. Besides, all the head of the Daily Prophet had to do to refuse a retraction was ask, 'Which part of the story did you find inaccurate?' The picture was real, the story was real, the quotes from the new text were real. How could they print a retraction of a real story? Or at least that was how the head phrased his polite rejection of their 'request.'
The public outcry forced the Ministry to remove the 'New text' and send an Auror to replace Umbridge and go back to teaching the old textbook. If the Minister was not seen fixing a problem everyone recognized, like a DADA teacher unable to fend off a supposed muggle, his popularity would plummet and he had to be seen doing something.
A man no one recognized as an older version of Harry Potter sat at Diagon Alley's Ice Cream Shop going over the Daily Prophet for the last few days with a sigh. He was always a fan of efficiency and he'd wanted to see the most efficient way of taking down Umbridge using as little resources as possible. Shapeshifting to pummel Umbridge, an invisibility cloak over a Wizarding Camera on a tripod to snap a Wizarding Photo on a timer, a note to Hermione, and a gift of the story and picture to Rita Skeeter with a small threat involving a water beetle to get it published.
Replace the shapeshifting with a Polyjuice potion and get a partner to snap the picture if you couldn't get a camera with a timer and anyone could have done the same with a little know-how and enough skill to dodge a few spells before disarming the toad.
In the book, Umbridge was a threat because of her credentials, so she could not be beaten as long as she had those to back her up. By making it known that she was a Defense Professor who did not know how to defend herself, her credentials were suddenly worth far less.
Still, Harry was wholly unsatisfied by the efficient route. This was more of a proof of concept than anything else. In any case this was just his first stop. Harry had already purchased all the excess magical ingredients from all the stores over the world and stored them and soon he'd go to the next world.
Before going, Harry did a few things of course not related to Umbridge. He decided he'd do this in every Universe he visited where applicable.
Harry gave Luna Lovegood a Snorkack egg. Even if she carried it with her at all times after it hatched, no one would remember but her so she couldn't get in trouble for it.
Harry collected all the Horcruxes besides Nagini and put them in a box marked, "Horcruxes," and mailed them to Sirius Black along with the instructions for a ritual that would safely remove the soul shard from Harry's forehead. The box included a few spells that could use a Horcrux to directly curse the being the Horcrux originated from, and Harry had complete faith that Sirius Black would use those curses responsibly.
The package's sender was signed as Harry's Hand, to fulfill the prophecy of Volde being brought down by the hand of the other.
Oh, he also found Hedwig and gave her the ability to teleport and shoot lasers out of her eyes. He'd do the same for every Hedwig of every Universe.
In any case, now that the warm up was done, it was time to really start having fun. But before he left for the next Universe, he got the feeling he was forgetting something. After thinking about it for a few moments he remembered, 'Ah, Umbridge.'
The next day, Dolores Umbridge found herself without her replacement wand, with her magic completely bound, and with her memories slightly modified in a Muggle Insane Asylum. She screamed to whoever listened that she was the Senior Undersecretary for the Minister of Magic and that they would be sorry. However because her magic was sealed, no Owl or Patronus or tracking spell could find her. The modification to her memory made her believe Diagon Alley was located in the Royal Palace, so no one would grant her permission to return there and buy a new wand. All other locations such as Hogwarts, Platform 9 and 3 Quarters, St. Mungo's, and the Ministry of Magic itself, were also edited so she was unable to give any sort of evidence of proper locations. Even when people bothered to search the locations she mentioned and found nothing, she would insist that Muggles could not get in and demand them to release her immediately.
Thanks to a few computer glitches and a few donations and spells, the Dolores Umbridge of this world would spend the remainder of her days locked in a padded cell and told she was delusional without any means of proving she was right or escaping her personal hell on Earth.
In the next Universe, Harry didn't even bother with any setup. Within the DADA class, Hermione raised her hand on the course guidelines and asked her usual questions. "There's nothing in this book about casting spells."
In her sickeningly sweet pitch, the toad woman replied, "Wizards much older and cleverer than you have devised our new program of study. You will be learning about defensive spells in a secure, risk-free way."
The Harry Potter of this world asked, "What's the use of that? If we're going to be attacked, it won't be in a-"
Umbridge interrupted, "Hand, Mr. Potter!" shutting him up.
Another student raised his hand to address the question, "Well, it's like Harry said, isn't it? If we're going to be attacked, it won't be risk free."
Putting a bit of steel in her voice, Umbridge states loudly, "I repeat, do you expect
to be attacked during my classes?"
As if answering the question, the door to the classroom shot open and a terrifying figure was revealed behind it.
Dolores pulled her wand and shouted, "Stupefy!" the moment she saw a figure.
What she did not expect, in fact what no one expected, was for the red Stunner cast by the Professor to be deflected by a glowing beam of light. What was even more unexpected was that the beam appeared to be held by a tall, inhuman, skeletal creature with two legs, four arms, and sand gray metal plating over its body.
It stepped forward, it's metal talons clicking on the ground with each step as its height and skeletal appearance drew gasps of fear and horror from all those within.
Beneath the metal faceplate the creature wore were two piercing yellow eyes which locked on Umbridge. It moved forward and said in a raspy voice, "General Kenobi."
Umbridge had no idea how to respond to that. So she fired a blasting hex. Another beam of light shot out from a cylinder held by another of the monstrosity's hands and deflected the blasting hex at the back wall.
The imposing figure approached the Professor, it's menace greater with each step. Umbridge was unable to stop herself from panicking and crying out with fear as her feeble attempts to attack the creature were rendered useless by the glowing beams of light it held.
A moment later one of the creature's arms grabbed Umbridge's wand hand while another of its arms grabbed the wand she carried. He brought it to his face to inspect it before putting it into a holster on his waist next to an assortment of silver cylinders.
The creature then threw Umbridge against the back wall with a resounding thud. It stepped over her desk and placed its taloned foot over her, pressing her down as she screamed and cried out in fear.
It then bent down to get a closer look at her, inspecting her for a moment before stating, "You are not General Kenobi." It then turned and walked out the room, stepping over the desk again and heading out the door.
No one had moved a muscle out of reflexive fear when the creature appeared and none of the students moved before it had exited the classroom and walked down the halls, the clicking of its taloned feet growing dimmer with each step.
Dean Thomas, the student who asked the question Harry was prevented from answering, was the first to speak. "So, about those practice lessons..."
Umbridge did not in fact have a change of heart and elect to allow the students of Hogwarts to practice their spellwork in her class. Instead she straightened her clothes, gave a very, very forced smile, told everyone to start reading chapter one of their books and that she would be out for a bit.
Once in her office she used the built in Floo to call the Aurors. The words, 'Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic,' were used almost a dozen times during the Floo call and eventually three Aurors came through, one of which was Senior Auror Rufus Scrimgeour. He got Umbridge's statement while the other two searched the castle for the metal skeleton, but were of course unable to find it.
When the other two returned, Auror Scrimgeour told them to return to the Ministry. Umbridge noticed this and stated, "Where are they going? They have not yet found the one who attacked me!"
Scrimgeour nodded and asked, "What is it you would like us to do Madam Undersecretary?"
As if it was perfectly sensible, Umbridge demanded, "Scour the castle! Find it and give it the Dementor's Kiss!"
Scrimgeour looked pensive and said, "Yes, that would be alright. Would you terribly mind making such a recommendation to our esteemed Minister?"
Umbridge responded with a confused look. Why would she have to do that? It wasn't her job to catch criminals.
Noticing her reaction, Scrimgeour continued, "You see, the Department of Magical Law Enforcement has been quite understaffed and underfunded these days due to the new direction our dear Minister has been leading us towards. At our current size, we neither have the manpower nor the time to do anything of the sort. I am just a lowly Senior Auror, so I cannot requisition the funds required for such a thing."
Umbridge had to fight back a sneer. She recognized that the man was refusing to give her any assistance unless she did something for him. If it was anyone else, she'd have him sacked, but Rufus Scrimgeour was a powerful wizard, a hardened veteran, and only below Amelia Bones in the DMLE. More than that though, this man did not take bribes and she had no blackmail material on him. From an outsider's stance his request even seemed perfectly reasonable.
She took a few breaths and stated, "Well then, perhaps an assigned Auror-" she stopped herself from continuing. An assigned Auror for protection would have to stay with her, including her detentions. If she was assigned someone she could manage that would be fine, but she did not believe Scrimgeour would assign her someone okay with her use of Blood Quills in detention.
Scrimgeour asked for confirmation, "Did you wish to request security for your classroom? I've never seen a Defense Teacher ask for protection because she was unable to defend herself. But I'm certain if you request such a thing from our esteemed Minister, he will not take it as a sign of a lack of accreditation for your assigned position, and the students who write home about it won't look at it that way either."
Through a forced smile Umbridge gritted her teeth. Weakness was never something that could be displayed, and admitting weakness by asking for protection was a display for the whole of the world to see.
Stating in an even higher pitch than normal, she said, "I thank you for your time then. I believe I will be able to handle these matters without your assistance."
Scrimgeour nodded one last time as he headed through the floo without another word.
Fighting back a sneer, Umbridge left her office to return to her classroom. The moment she stepped into the hall, she saw something there, staring back at her from the end of the hall. It was a velociraptor.
It stared her down and she immediately reached for her wand, which she then remembered had been taken. Seeing the movement, the velociraptor opened its jaws and hissed, before it started running at her.
Umbridge screamed and ran down the hall as fast as her fat legs would take her. The thump of each step the dinosaur took behind her jarring her senses. She made it to the DADA class and ran in and closed the door behind her as fast as she could to the bewildered looks of the assembled student body.
To the stares she received, she stated, "Go back to reading."
Everyone remained silent until the end of the class and Umbridge stayed at her desk as the students got up and left for their next classes. When a student opened the door, she peered over the group and confirmed there was nothing waiting for them as they left for their next class.
She waited at her desk for the next group of students to enter and just like the previous class, she instructed the students to get out their books and read, despite the fact that this group of students were sixth years. Umbridge spent the class staring at the door and her paranoia was rewarded when the door opened again and a massive, ugly troll walked in carrying the carcass of the front half of a slaughtered deer.
Umbridge still didn't have her wand and was unable to do anything than back away as the creature approached her desk. Once it arrived at her desk, it set the front half of the dead deer it carried onto the desk and stared at Umbridge with unknown expectations.
The silence of the room was interrupted when one of the sixth year students said, "It's a male troll. He's presenting an offering. If you don't accept it, the troll will kill you."
Without a better idea, Umbridge gave a fake smile to the troll and said, "Umm. Thank you? I accept this gift..."
The troll gave a dopey smile and walked around the desk and grabbed Umbridge before turning around and walking off.
Umbridge shouted, "Unhand me! Unhand me!"
The student from before said, "You've accepted his courtship offering which means you've accepted being the troll's mate."
Umbridge shrieked, "WHAT?! But you said-, no! NOO!"
No one heard from the woman again, and the following classes were taught by an off duty Auror who was less insistent on the theoretical only rule.
Later that year when Harry Potter was lured to the Hall of Prophecies, he was followed by Hedwig who, to everyone's surprise, started removing the arms, legs, and heads of various Death Eaters with her newly acquired Laser Vision. Even when Voldemort showed up, Hedwig teleported behind him and cut the man's arm off when he barely dodged the laser out of reflex.
Dumbledore showed up a moment later with no idea how Harry had 'disarmed' Voldemort, but not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Dumbledore knocked out the Dark Lord and tied him up. He would later discover that the Dark Lord had been cursed with terrible luck by Sirius Black who had received an unusual gift earlier than year.
In the next Universe, Umbridge did not wait at her desk on the first day of class, but arrived after the students. As she began going over the Course Guidelines and confirmed that there would be no spell practice in class, the door opened once more.
Standing at the entrance was a horrid figure, an unspeakably thin robed man with empty eye sockets and shriveled cracked skin over exposed bones. It was a Lich.
The Lich carried a staff and Umbridge quickly shot a spell at the creature which was deflected with the Lich's open hand. The Lich waved his staff and Umbridge was lifted into the air and thrown all the way out the classroom where the door shut, leaving the class with the Lich.
The Lich looked at the writing on the blackboard and waved a hand, erasing it. He then picked up a piece of chalk and wrote Mr. Bones on the board before he turned around and said to the class in a raspy, withered voice, "I am Mr. Bones. You can call me Mr. Bones or Professor Bones. Until a suitable replacement is acquired, I will be teaching this class."
Harry Potter was the first to raise his hand. The Lich pointed at him and asked, "Yes?"
"Will we be learning to defend ourselves using magic?"
"Well, that is what I will be teaching you, so yes. Yes you will."
Hermione was the next to raise her hand and be called on. She asked, "Are you a Lich?"
"Yes I am. I'm about eight hundred years old and in my time used to be a Dark Lord, when that title held some meaning."
The door to the class was pounding, likely the toad trying to get back in, but was ignored.
A student from Slytherin asked, "What do you mean, when the title of Dark Lord held meaning?"
"Ah. A Dark Lord is someone who protects the practitioners of Dark Magics from unjust prosecution. Such things were common long ago and a Dark Lord was a respected force to keep Magic balanced. The little shit you all are familiar with who claims the current title has killed more practitioners of Dark Magic than anyone else in the last century."
Blue flames glowed in the being's empty eye sockets as he spoke the last statement.
Another student asked, "Are you related to the Bones Family?"
"My descendants, though they appear to have stopped using Necromancy which is a bit of a shame really. In any case, let us begin. You have your OWLs this year, and I will do what I can to teach you what you need. How far you go will depend on your own effort."
The students started taking notes on his lecture. If nothing else, no one was going to fall asleep in this man's class.
When the class ended, the doors opened and Umbridge and Headmaster Dumbledore were there, waiting. The students left and Dumbledore entered and had a look at the Lich.
Umbridge took out her wand and fired a blasting hex right at the Lich, but it was blocked again by the creature's skeletal hand. Dumbledore just observed. The Lich motioned with his staff and Umbridge's wand was shot out of her hand and landed on the ceiling, somehow remaining there in defiance of gravity.
Dumbledore had actually used a Headmaster's privilege to listen in on the Lich's lecture while waiting for the door to open and did not mind the lesson as the Lich had not overstepped his bounds and taught anything but defense measures. Still, he had to make an attempt.
Dumbledore stated, "I'm sorry Mr. Bones, but at the moment at least, we have already fulfilled our staffing requirements for this class."
The Lich replied without emotion, "I do not mind taking over. As for the current staff, this creature is unfit to teach."
Umbridge shouted in outrage, "You abomination! You cannot teach students here! It is against Ministry Law!"
The Lich replied, "Which law? Is there a law that prevents the dead from teaching at Hogwarts?"
Both Umbridge and Dumbledore thought of Professor Binns. The existence of such a law would prevent him from being a teacher, so his status as a teacher proved that such a law did not exist.
The Lich stated, "I will be teaching these classes today. If you don't want me to teach again, just say so and I will not return tomorrow."
Umbridge immediately left to call the Aurors, but predictably, was told they did not have enough staff to fight a Lich and she was told to avoid it if possible.
The next day the Lich did not return. Instead the one who came through the doors was a green Ogre.
"Hello Class. My name is Mr. Shrek."
The spells Umbridge fired at the Ogre had no effect at all other than pissing the Ogre off. He picked her up by the Cardigan and tossed her out the door shouting, "Get outta my Classroom!" After that he picked up the lesson right where the Lich left off.
This time Dumbledore didn't even come to the class when Umbridge came over. He said that he was remarkably busy and that she should request the Aurors. Of course they gave the same answer, that they were too understaffed to fight a magic immune Ogre. Umbridge tried to get one of the other teachers to help, but they were all teaching classes. Professor McGonagall even added, "I'm sure one such as yourself who was trusted to this position by the Minister of Magic is fully capable of defending yourself. Why else would he choose you to teach Defense?"
Mr. Shrek continued teaching each class until the end of the day before he left the castle and wandered off.
The next day, Umbridge locked the door of her first class using everything she could think of after the last student had entered.
After confirming the doors were secure, she made her way to her desk and began lecturing on the day's chapter. She didn't see the shimmer behind her when a man with unkempt pitch black hair removed an invisibility cloak and stunned her from behind. The man smiled as he walked up to the desk and said, "My name is Sirius Black, the escaped alleged mass murderer. And today I will be teaching you how to defend yourselves."
The students who were used to this by now didn't even flinch and just went along with it.
Every once in a while Umbridge would wake up and Sirius would stun her again. By lunchtime he just tied her up and left her in the corner while he taught the day's classes. When it was time for the fifth year's class, Harry was happy to see his godfather and the pair had a few mock duels for practice along with the rest of the class while Umbridge sat bound and gagged in the back of the room screaming into the cloth over her mouth.
After the last class Sirius turned every picture of cats in Umbridge's office into dogs and left her still bound. One of the house elves eventually showed up and released her.
The next day, Umbridge was fuming since her request to have Dementors for personal guards was denied. She did all she could to prepare herself for her first class once more, even tossing flour around the room to point out any footprints or invisibility cloaks.
She started up her lecture and a sphere of lightning appeared in front of her desk. It grew larger and larger before vanishing. Within the sphere was a metal frame robot that looked extremely advanced, not that any in class other than the muggleborns and half bloods knew what it was.
Umbridge reflexively cast every spell she could think of but the robot had a shield around it which rendered the spells inert. It approached her and hit her with a taser to knock her out before it took her place at the desk and started lecturing in a robotic voice, picking up where Sirius Black had left off.
On Friday, the last day of the week, Umbridge looked extremely frazzled in her first class. The students were almost gleeful with anticipation. When the door that was covered in chains and boards started smoking, many of the students almost cheered. Dolores was shaking her head in denial, "No, no, no. Not another one, no..."
A hole in the door burnt open and a sphere of flesh covered in eyes stalks with a massive grotesque mouth floated through the door. It was a Beholder.
Umbridge screamed and started casting spells but one of the eyes of the Beholder was locked onto her and her spells came to naught. Umbridge backed into a wall muttering to herself and the Beholder floated over to the desk and faced the class. And then it started its lecture while Umbridge curled up into the fetal position for the remainder of the day.
The visiting Harry Potter shook his head as he watched the woman break down. He was sad it only took a week. With the exception of Shrek and the robot, the other teachers were all real and getting them to agree to this had been fun, especially for Sirius Black. Next week Harry wanted to get Grindelwald, but Since this Umbridge already appeared broken, Harry would call the Lich again and ask him to be her permanent replacement. Time for the next Universe.
The Umbridge of his next Universe had been terrorizing the students and staff for a number of months already and had carved out 'I Must Not Tell Lies' from a number of hands and gotten Trelaway fired and had appointed a number of Slytherins into a private Inquisitorial Squad.
This Universe's Hedwig was most appreciative of the gift of Laser Vision as it was attacked by several other birds who tried to intercept its letters. When Harry gave it laser vision and teleportation, this Hedwig teleported outside and proceeded to fry all the Ministry birds responsible for intercepting letters. Apparently it was a rather vindictive bird.
The next day, all Slytherin boys received a package from Umbridge and on their wall in the Slytherin Common room was hung a new Educational Decree.
[Educational Decree Number 69.
All Male Students are to wear the Ministry Approved Articles beneath their robes.]
The packages were opened as they were apparently the approved articles and though the boys did not recognize what the articles were, they still put them on as per the Educational Decree.
During breakfast, every male Slytherin who put on the gift suddenly found that their robes had vanished, leaving only the articles they were required to wear visible for everyone to see. It was leather bondage attire.
As there were no muggleborns and few half bloods who would recognize such things in Slytherin, none of the males understood what they were. They also discovered to their growing horror that most of the outfits were different from one another.
The students of the other houses laughed and the Teachers were outraged. Eventually they found the fake Educational Decree in the common room.
The thoroughly humiliated males went to bed with a heavy heart that night. In the next morning, each and every one woke up lying next to Umbridge who was under the covers in the same bed, looking at them. She said, "I'm pregnant."
The collective screams of the Slytherin house woke up everyone in the castle, despite the fact that they were located in the dungeons.
The illusion had vanished when the boys got out of bed and didn't return. Only the fact that everyone experienced the same thing became evidence they had actually seen something.
Later that day, Umbridge was noticed never sitting down, touching anything, or eating in the Great Hall. She had discovered to her displeasure that anything she sat on started screaming, including her bed. Anything she touched started screaming with the exception of her wand and clothes. And anything she ate also came alive and begged for mercy. "Please! I beg of you! Eat me but leave my children alone! Don't eat my children!"
Umbridge was not amused. She had brought up the issue with the remainder of the staff, but none was able to find a cause or fix the issue. She had to leave the castle each night and rent a room at Hogsmeade to sleep in a bed that did not scream.
After she became Headmaster, the castle started filling with horned rabbits who would wander around the halls. The students adored them as they were gentle and fluffy, but if any of them saw Umbridge, they would jump at her and stab her with their sharp horn. Attacking one caused the rest to gather from all sides and she'd be quickly overrun. She demanded the teachers to get rid of them, but each teacher responded with the fact that such things were the duty of the Headmaster.
Everything was still screaming at her and she couldn't sit during classes so she had to stand all day during every class lest her chair scream bloody murder and demand to be put out of its misery. Every door handle would shout causing the rabbits nearby to notice her and charge. She'd been forced to use her Inquisitorial Squad to open the doors and she still had to sleep outside of the accused castle.
A few weeks before the students were to take their OWLs, Dolores was in her office having a member of the Inquisitorial Squad grade papers for her to prevent the papers and pens from screaming when she held them. The door opened and she turned to ask, "Yes? Who is it?"
A student could be seen, but his face was down turned and she did not know who it was. What she did notice was that the student held a horned rabbit. The student tossed the rabbit into the room. Umbridge shouted, but then she noticed another figure, another student tossed another rabbit into her office. And another. And another. And another. From the other side of her door were dozens and dozens of students. Each had found and picked up a rabbit and each had brought it over and was tossing it inside the classroom.
Umbridge made herself very quiet, doing what she could not to draw the attention of the rabbits as the path to the only exit to the room filled with rabbits. Umbridge made her way to the Floo but found no matter what she did, it would not light up. The Floo was not working.
She turned again and saw over fifty rabbits in the room. Suddenly, her shoes started screaming. "Kill Me! I can't take it anymore! Get her off me or kill me! Burn me alive! I Can't stand the Stench of TOAD FEET!"
The rabbits all turned to her. She started casting, but she was not an Auror. She had no way to strike fifty targets at the same time.
The students outside had already barred the door to prevent her from escaping and as they left, each had lined up to face the wand of a seventh year student who volunteered to Obliviate everyone who participated. No one would remember they were a part of this but that student. But since that student had an alibi provided by a polyjuice potion and a friend, he was safe from questioning in the first place.
The next day, all the Rabbits were gone and McGonagall took up the position of temporary Headmaster as Umbridge had been eaten by rabbits.
Again, this Universe's Harry was tricked to go to the Hall of Mysteries, but again Hedwig saved the day.
As for the visiting Harry, he was somewhat satisfied, but still had a way to go before he fully got the desire to make Umbridge suffer out of his system.
The Umbridge of the next Universe started her first class by handing out the assigned textbooks since they had not finished printing before the letters for the year had gone out. The first class of each year went as it always did, but the night after each student of every year had received a textbook, something unusual occurred. The contents of the Ministry approved textbook changed. With the exception of books owned by the Slytherin students, every page of every book in the other three houses was replaced by a Wizarding photo of someone doing something and below the photo was a caption of who was doing what. Captions from various pages included things like, 'Cornelius Fudge Accepting Bribes from Lucius Malfoy on August 12th to speak in favor of the Muggleborn Registration Bill.' In fact half the book consisted solely of illicit acts performed by the Minister.
Most of the students did not notice the moment the change occurred, but others who did showed them and suddenly the most boring textbook on the face of the Earth had become the must read piece of literature for every student in the school.
Hundreds of letters were written by students and the Prefects formed groups to escort to the Owlry one at a time to send letter after letter. The Prefects noticed that no Slytherin students had come to the Owlry and had guessed that house had been left out of it. Each Prefect elected not to inform their head of house until the next morning, after all the letters had gone out.
The next day of Umbridge's class, when she asked for everyone to get out their textbooks, she was displeased that three fourths of her students hesitated to do so. Threatening punishment, she demanded everyone get out the book and start reading chapter two. The non Slytherin students eventually did so, but it did not take longer than a moment for Umbridge to recognize that the pages of the books the other students had taken out were not what she was familiar with.
To the first student with such a book, she had nearly cursed them, only to discover the book was the same for every non Slytherin student.
Umbridge became quiet for a moment before asking a Hufflepuff student, "Have all the textbooks changed?"
The Hufflepuff student slowly nodded, confirming that every one of the books in Hufflepuff changed the prior night and many students had written home about the contents.
It wasn't even noon before the Minister of Magic had come to Hogwarts himself, followed by every Auror he could find and made his way to the DADA class.
Upon opening the door, he spotted Umbridge and shouted, "Dolores! What on Earth do you think you are doing giving students a book like that?!"
Umbridge flinched and meekly replied, "No! I swear it wasn't me! The books changed on their own! It must've been Dumbledore!"
Minister Fudge shook his head and motioned for the Aurors to surround Umbridge. He said, "I should have seen this coming. You have been trying to take my position all this time haven't you?"
Umbridge backed away, "No, no that's not true! I've been nothing but faithfully loyal to you for years! It was Dumbledore! It had to be!"
Fudge gave her one last look before signaling with his hand. An Auror to her side shot a Stunner at her to knock her out before the other Auror started levitating her prone body to be taken away. He might have considered this an action of Dumbledore if it weren't for the fact that every picture was taken from within the Ministry during a time Umbridge had been nearby. Many were taken during times it simply could not have been anyone but Umbridge. It would take some doing but he'd be able to put all of this at her feet and claim it was all fake. She was smart but not nearly as smart as he was.
All the books were confiscated and burned. Because they could not risk printing more for the same thing to happen, they returned to using the old textbooks when a replacement teacher was found. Umbridge was still pleading innocence when she had been tossed through the Veil of Death. Fudge would never allow this to go to trial after all.
In the next Universe, Umbridge stopped showing up to teach classes after her first day. She didn't even show up to torture Potter with detention. What use was detention and Teaching when love was what mattered most. She didn't know how, but she knew exactly where her true love was. She made her way to Malfoy Manor and once she got there, the door opened and there stood Voldemort. He ran to her and grabbed his true love and embraced her.
Every Death Eater watching this threw up. Bellatrix Lestrange shrieked with rage so loudly some thought she'd start coughing blood.
For weeks Voldemort and Umbridge stayed together in gut wrenchingly sickening displays of lovey dovey scenes that the stupidest of Death Eaters could tell was Love Potion induced. Of course the first Death Eater to suggest such a thing to Voldemort was Crucio'd for five minutes by Voldemort and Umbridge before he was allowed to die, so it wasn't a matter easily resolved.
Bellatrix eventually discovered that one of the Death Eaters was under the effects of a Confundus Charm to add Love Potion to Voldemort's meals, but instead of revealing it, she instead got Severus to make an Antidote and added it to the meal for his next meeting.
After the meal, Voldemort and Umbridge had become clear headed as the effect wore off. Voldemort was not pleased. Umbridge's claim of not being the one responsible for this through her screams did little to lessen Voldemort and Bellatrix's fury as they used their favorite curse upon her. The only thing that prevented the pair from cursing her into insanity was the fact that they didn't want her suffering to end so quickly.
The Umbridges of the next Universes did not get off easily either. Highly advanced Hunter Drones roamed the castle, attacking her on sight. Every time she entered her office, it was filled with horny toads which gave her very suggestive looks. Swans attacked her and she was told it was illegal to use magic on Swans as all Swans in Britain were owned by the Queen. Frankenstein's Monster would occasionally show up for her classes and remove its own arm to use as a club to beat Umbridge with. And Hedwig would shoot low powered Lasers at her butt every time she left the castle.
There was one instance where Harry just took one Dolores from one world and threw her into another identical world without the latter knowing. Without any interference from Harry. the two Dolores met and argued and attacked each other violently. One of Umbridge's greatest fears was losing everything, and another woman appearing to completely take everything that was yours fell perfectly in line with her greatest fears.
The dimension hopping Harry was just about satisfied, but he needed one more to get it out of his system. He saved the best for last.
The Dolores Umbridge of this Universe was not enjoying her time at Hogwarts. Nothing particularly bad had occurred, but she had started seeing things. Out of the corner of her eye, something would sometimes reach out from the shadows, but was gone when she turned her head.
The faces and forms of various students and faculty would change into bizarre monstrosities with misshapen mouths and eyes in the wrong locations, but only when she wasn't directly looking at them.
More than once she had accidentally attacked a student and Aurors had been called due to the coincidence that the student she attacked was usually a Slytherin with well bred parents.
Over the course of the year the shadow around her grew darker and would often pulse like a heartbeat when she wasn't looking directly at them. Tentacle-like growths would reach out of the shadows towards her every time she wasn't looking at them causing her to often turn every which way as she walked.
Several times she had caught herself staring at the pictures of cats she'd hung on the wall and found that some of them had slowly changed into grotesque abominations. She'd tried showing students or teachers but the pictures had returned to normal when others saw them.
Umbridge did her best to hide the fact that she was slowly losing her mind from others, but the fact that she jumped at every shadow and never stopped turning her head to look at every corner of a room didn't help her hide it very much.
One day she returned to her office and nearly shrieked in horror when every picture of every cat she owned had transformed into a tentacled monstrosity. She immediately pulled out her wand and destroyed every picture.
The day of the next class of fifth year DADA students, everyone noticed she had looked far more frazzled and deranged than normal. Then the door to the classroom opened, and in walked an orange striped tabby cat.
Umbridge failed miserably at not showing her fear and pulled out her wand to curse the cat. The moment she held it, she felt the leathery slimy feeling and looked at her wand to discover it was a pitch black writhing tentacle. She screamed and dropped it as the orange cat came closer and closer.
She looked back at the orange cat and shouted, "Get back! Get Back you filthy creature!"
Unfortunately for Umbridge, this cat did not like to be insulted. Its mouth opened and a mass of purple serrated tentacles far larger in volume than the cat itself shot out. The students of the classroom screamed but none louder than Umbridge as several tentacles grabbed her legs and very slowly pulled her into the gapping black pit. She screamed and cried and begged but none of the students were able to move in front of the eldritch horror. With a final tug, Umbridge was pulled into the center of the mouth which shrunk and returned into the orange tabby cat's mouth.
No one moved as the cat turned and walked out the classroom.
The visiting Harry Potter watched with pleasure. His ritual had completed. Harry had been collecting the suffering of every Umbridge from every Universe he'd visited and now he'd finally reached the required saturation. Using the Space Stone, the Reality Stone, the Mind Stone, and Time Lord Math, Harry created a ritual which would share the suffering of the Umbridge's he'd visited with every Umbridge throughout the multiverse who was essentially the same character. Umbridges who were nothing like the vile creatures he'd been messing with would not be affected, but every Umbridge who was basically the same woman would feel the echo of all the suffering of every Umbridge he'd played with.
Doing so, Harry was satisfied. He'd successfully tormented every Umbridge in every Multiverse.
He'd also collected centuries worth of useful and rare magical ingredients, so the fact that he was able to Torment Umbridge while he was essentially out shopping was just icing on the cake since he could return to his home Universe a few minutes after he left to do this in the first place.
In any case play time was over, he needed to introduce Loki to the Board of Directors to proceed with the handing over of the company. That would be fun too.
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