บท 1: Withered flower
You once promised to accompany this empty heart. But once it was really loaded, why did you leave?
-Lee Taa_Ri
***
The sun catches my eyes making the light around seems so bright. Ah, unfortunately, my heart is dark. I lay my back again on the mango tree behind the class.
No one gonna knows I'm in this place because they don't give a shit. I've snorted several times, though, in the middle of class, old habits die hard. It's Wednesday, and somehow on the third day, it suddenly occurred to me to sit under this tree. I don't care if I have to get scolded or get called into the counseling room. I laugh once in a while, and it was stifling.
If only I had helped him two years ago, I would have pushed or just held his hand. It's much better like this, isn't it?
Unfortunately, there's no point in wishing for that now because everything is over and I'm the only one who is stuck in the past. Snickering, I stared at the mango fruit that seems yellow on its tip.
"You like mangoes I'm not. It is strange that every time I see mango, I want to eat that haha," I said to myself.
"Clarista!"
A shrill voice had pushed me to turn my head resentfully, and then I closed my eyes. I deafened my Watson purpose, then I back to sit down under this tree. I felt a breeze on my face and didn't bother to come to class even until the bell rang. I left all my textbooks on purpose though, if I want to learn I can do it in school, right?
Clarista arum. Such a pretty name, perhaps.
I really hate myself. A year and a half as a high school student don't make me happy. Go home as I please because nobody gives a shit.
Papa decided to stay abroad until Mama followed him. And me, just left out on the pretext it would be better to go to school in Indonesia. The fact that overseas education is much better, isn't it? Mama, she's such a freak.
Honestly, Mama still cared about me, as evidenced by the snack money and the housekeeper she sent me. But maybe since it was only seventeen years old that I wanted to be greedy, I needed Mom's warm hug.
"Ow you crying, a pretty should not be a cry baby? Aww, who this girl belongs to, try to open your eyes and you should not sleep under the tree, or people will think that you're Kuntilanak hahaha."
"I would like to be alone, please go," I said.
My eyes glazed over, staring at the wisps of clouds moving slowly. For a sane person, I might be crazy. Yes, the voice I just heard clearly has no figure.
There's no more of that guy. Who used to hold my hand with occasional melodious whispers, laugh at my crybaby, tap my cheek. Tired of being mentally tortured, I hate to say it, but it's more likely that if I don't go to a psychiatrist, the name Clarista Arum will remain an asylum patient.
Those students who started spraying out of their hideouts made me snort. Well, it's true that when I think of 'him' I become like this. Minutes went by, and then half an hour I just let them pass by. I quickly woke up and cleaned the uniform's knee-length skirts.
"I knew you'd still be here."
Feeling unfamiliar with the voice just now made me look back. Ah, it's him, isn't his name is Riki?
I heard he's a rookie, even if this story blew up six months ago, it's only natural that he doesn't know my crazy radar. Well, let's just ignore him, he's not that important to me though. Now I really have to leave before Aunty Minah chides until my ears burn.
Walked away without giving a shit, yet he held my wrist until my haste stopped.
"Rista, right? It's late, just come back with me. You didn't like crowds, did you? The twelfth graders are coming home from the extra classes, just wait here for another five minutes," he said to me.
Right in the last sentence, he said it immediately I threw down his hand.
Still quiet, I ignored him on purpose so that he would realize that I'm the nobody he deserves to worry about. Though it's our first time interacting, isn't it?
"I'm sorry, are you feel uncomfortable? But I think it would be even more uncomfortable to go home together--"
I don't have any intention to hear it anymore, quickly continued the step that was interrupted earlier. Apparently, he didn't give up, his step ... although so low, I realized that he was trying to match it with me. I was so upset, it was like being played by fate.
It happens again, even if it's a little bit it still brings back pain.
"I'm Riki, I bet you know that already, don't you?"
"You wanna grab a bag? I'll wait here for you, so be careful, Ta!"
Overblown, one word crossed my mind. Why should I be careful if I only go into the classroom?
"Gee, I'm jealous someone's close to you but for me."
Badum!
This male voice filled up the neural space in my mind. My hands trembled, I felt a chill heard the cold tone of that voice.
But when I looked at the whole room, there was no him. I laughed, half derisively because my psyche was literally on the verge.
"I haven't given a chance, since the beginning, it's just you," I replied.
It's just me in this room that my voice echoed in a room that's getting dark. XI social class 3, feels so soothing another day but not by Wednesday. Everything turned terrified, the sounds echoing in the room and his words echoing in my mind.
"Liar, you even let go of my hand that time."
He said it again. A clear melt of tears passed through my cheek. I pulled my hair out and sat down.
"I-i didn't want to, but I'm sorry for taking your handoff. His sorry, I was wrong."
Crying out loud and rambling. It's becoming a habit.
I can feel someone hug me. I pushed him as hard as I could.
"Stay away!" my bluff.
He was silent, probably upset with me and it was only natural because I know by the look on his face. Riki is just like 'him' who always makes me go crazy although I know that love is just a mirage.
That gaze made me go crazy, and I didn't even know I was laughing.
"What do you want? What do you want to do, huh? If you just want to leave, please don't come!"
"I hate it! I don't like being left alone. I hate to see you go out with the others, but why when I really take your hand away, you didn't want to come back?"
"It's not my fault, don't go ... I beg you, his ...." I shouted hysterically.
"I'm not him, Ta."
I know, but why does it feel like I want to complain about my pain to him? Why do I assume this is all his fault too?
Ahahah, it's so stupid of me, though we just met each other for the first time. Is this God's way of punishing a bad girl like me?
To be continued...
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