"I'm not him, Ta."
His words are still very clear. Shut up for a second, then I'm served him a smile in tears. Immediately my hand reached for the bag that was still in its place and left without a sound.
Good, he knows my weakness so he'll definitely go far after this. I have nothing to worry about anymore. Yeah, he would've gone the same way he did that time.
"I'll send you, wanna wear a hat? Your eyes are so red."
Badum!
I had to glance at him, it was true that he was still there. My footsteps felt so heavy, it really feels like old times. And after this, he'll definitely go away, right?
"You annoy me," I sarcastically said that he replied with a laugh. Maybe he's really crazy to not stay away from me.
I saw him coming closer and didn't say anything on purpose. As expected, he just put a hat on my head and nothing more.
Not having the energy to argue with him, I let him pull my wrist. Some of the seniors are still at school, so he took the lead while I was busy keeping my eyes down. Being lazy to search for trouble, my friend said Riki is one of the most wanted.
It's not that I'm filthy, but it's really exhausting to see a boy that wants to be close with me even stare at me so softly, not in disgust or pity.
"Wear the hat, I'm sorry I bring a motorcycle, not like other kids. I think you're hungry, why don't we eat something?" asked my senior when we get to the parking lot.
I know he was asked my opinion. Yet somehow my tongue felt so faint that all I did was stare directly into his face.
How on earth Riki can chuckle. This guy's really crazy.
"Get up, Ta, I'm not going to make you fall so just relax," said Riki.
Instead of going up, my legs are going backward. Thanks to his words I was so frightened, the cold poured up inside of me that it gave me chills. My glance was blurred so suddenly, my entire stomach was about to blow out.
Growing massive, my throat filled to the brim, and I ran out the gate and sat next to the gutter.
Huek!
Seriously, I think I'm crazy enough. All the food I had this morning may have been exhausted just once in the form of this disgusting white liquid.
"Drink?"
Still staring at the crap out of my stomach fill. Indeed I was squatting on the edge of the gutter that requires me to look up at him.
He was smiled, so cute. And yet it's unfortunate because he should now stare at me with disgust.
"Drink, Ta?" He asked me the same question again, made me take the bottle slowly.
"Right, smart girl. Get up here, I'll help you clean up," he said.
For a moment I didn't understand, the first thing I did was drink the water from his tumbler down to the bottom. Clearly, my eyes saw Riki laughing, he approached to direct the tissue and then cleaned the area of my lips.
Erratic heart rate. No, it's not because I fell for him. But this whole Riki did just brought me back to the memory of the 'he' that left, note, there's no going back.
I once again desire his presence, which is impossible, yet never meant to receive the same treatment he did to me.
"Thanks," I blurted out half-conscious.
He nodded, still with a thin smile.
"Ew. it's so gross. Ki, why bother taking care of people's daughters? Eh, even I feel disgusted by seeing it," said one of the senior girls that passed by.
She's good-looking with hair that is bunned randomly and barbie's eyes are also ripe lips. All men want, 'he' said when he was about to leave me back then, haha.
"Sil!"
Riki's face turned annoyed, ah my senior is obviously the person God sent me on purpose to make me realize that it's all my fault for letting go of 'his' hand.
"It's disgusting, Ki. You're indeed a crazy head, after knowing all, how can you still be willing to be with that stressed girl? Hope you do not regret it soon!"
"Silvia!" He upset.
"What the hell, it's all up to you now. I'll go and if you regret, eat up that all by yourself!" said his friend.
Their argument led me to know one fact Riki was just like all the others. He knows, and he's just pretending to be nice to me.
Before he held off, and while Riki was still arguing with that damn Sil, I left. Half within his hat and tumbler.
My backpack seems to be moving erratically. Only one comes to my mind, run, run and run as far as possible so that 'he' knows what it is like to be left without certainty. Without an explanation, a farewell would be so sad, stifling, and disgusting!
With gasping breath, at least I could make it home. Quickly I opened the fence and went in. To hell with Miss Minah shouting and asking scruples.
Blast!
Brugh!
I threw myself upon the bed of the damned. Then came back to wring the sobs while I clung onto Riki's tumbler.
Tight, painful. I want to shout and tell God to take my life away, so I can meet 'him' again and tell 'him' that I'm willing to give up my life for his life as long as there is no hell on this earth. Living in regret is so nauseating for me that I feel I don't even deserve to breathe.
"You're so mean, don't you?" I said as I laughed at my situation that time.
I was able to recall his death two years ago. It's not my fault if only my heart could admit it but it can't.
His body split into three sections right in front of my eyes. Blood spurts the streets, people scream, and his lips whisper my name even when his hands and feet are no longer shaped.
"Grab it, if you let go, I'll die."
Shane's my heads repeatedly, that words still there. I let go of his hand because he told me to keep my distance. I stayed away from him because he said he didn't want to see me being weak. I stepped back because he was just pulling back and forth.
Then why? Why is it that while I'm really away he frustrates me?
Back then, if his hand that tried to reach me really grabbed back, would he still live?
Will we go to the same school now? Can I join hands and go and back to school with him?
But, if he really wants me to let go why does my mind always have his sound?
Then if he still wanted to hold my hand why did he let his body split right in front of my eyes?
"Saka ...," I'm whined, calling out the name of the figure that always makes me miss but can't see me anymore even if I whisper the longing I left in the slow breeze.
I can't turn back the time to hold your hand. Please take my weary soul with the torments of your world, I whispered to the heart that lazy to bears the pain of betrayal.
To be continued
No, you're not haunting my life, I'm just reluctant to let go of some good memories with you.
-Lee Taari.
***
Night came as soon as I winked. The occasional breeze against my face, turning my glance to the moon was becoming a habit. It feels really shitty.
"Miss? You don't eat breakfast much, and only have instant noodles at night. How long will this last?"
Ignore it, I'm too lazy to give a reply for the obvious answer to that question. What's so wrong if I don't eat one day, like I'm gonna die, huh? There's no way, anyways, if I really do die, maybe Saka will forgive any of my mistakes that survived until now.
"Miss Rista?" auntie called again.
I turned my head this time. Staring at Ms. Minah in anger, but for only a moment because I couldn't bear to see her who was still nice to half-sane girls like me.
"Did you have no intention of quitting this job?" I worried.
But Ms. Minah simply replied with laughter. "Enough, let's eat. Don't think too much, it's not good for your healthy, Miss," she snarled.
He's such a bloody, though I really don't want to eat. I'm alright if I die, just let it. Why does she, who is nobody cares about me? My eyes glanced at Ms. Minah, her warm smile making my lips curl upwards.
The look in her eyes that always looked worried at me, she was also always there when I woke up in the middle of the night. Never forgot me even though her kids forbid her to come here. Is she an angel? I don't think anyone would have stayed with me for such a long time. Ah, even her salary could be not many.
Truly, my cheeks wet again to imagine the ruby of Ms. Minah's fate.
"I'm not a good person. I'm just a bad girl, so when there's a chance to go, your foot shouldn't step back in this house. It's frustrating to see someone get hurt," I said.
I got silenced as Ms. Minah sat on the bench and wiped away my tears that had scarcely begun to blur my eyes. I chuckled, I took her hand and hugged this fake mother.
Yeah, she's not my mama. So, fake mother, right? It was only about time before she actually decided to go. It's so stuffy in my heart.
"If ever a bad boy should be looked after. If I leave now, you will only escalate, honest is the most important thing as happened just now. No need to cry because of my plight, it's not much more complicated than yours!" she teased.
I knew she was teasing me to keep my big smile. Unfortunately, she didn't realize that even her smile was rarely seen.
"You shouldn't do good if there's nothing in return," I mumbled in her arms.
Under the bright moon this night, we embraced. Once in a while, I suck as she feds me. Or sizzling from the late-night air.
Ms. Minah was pushy, it's just reluctant to let me go along with her.
"I can't Miss, I give up!" She said on the clock it might be eleven at night.
My glance fell at her, then I laugh. "That's why you should not join me staying up, just now you resist when I ask you to go inside. Just go in, I'll eat when I'm hungry. Anyway, it's a red date tomorrow, right? I'm going to sleep at least two hours later," I told her.
I don't know, my manners have been washed away by the wind maybe. I'm being really rude right now. But this kind of attitude makes me feel comfortable.
"Okay then, I will go inside, may I? Take care out here, don't forget to sleep and eat if you want," she replied.
Stared at Ms. Minah slipping away, then returned to the moon. Slowly the rays disappeared and then the stars emerged. The mango tree growing in front of my eyes was looks so scary. But it doesn't make me feel scared or anything, because honestly, I've seen Saka waving his hands since then.
He's quiet, isn't it strange?
His voice would normally echo. But since Ms. Minah had arrived until now the woman had gone inside there, I had never heard his voice.
"Miss me?" he asked with a tingle.
I smiled warmly. "Yeah, so much that I want to go to the next world," I joked.
"It's not good, how can I eat mangoes in the next world? In this world, I just need to climb up and get scolded by my mom. Was it funny in middle school? But I feel strange, Ta."
Watching him stop talking, I got goosebumps. What is it this time? In what way will his illusion make me crazy?
"You have aged, and you have grown taller, don't you? Look, I just stayed this way."
"Ah, because I'm dead and you're alive, right?"
Take off the slippers, I throw them at him. Instead of hitting Saka, it went through and bounced because of the mango tree. Lazily picking it up, I'd rather bang my back against the edge of the bench. Weary as hell, yet this is my life.
Let me tell you a little bit about him.
Her name is Saka, the kid with black sweet skin. His smile was tempting, the way he laughed up to his eyes when he smiled. And don't forget about his talent for playing volleyball. We were only three months apart, of course, I was older.
Saw a is cute, I admit it a lot. With a funny destiny, he just suddenly became my friend.
Middle school wasn't that easy, especially in the eighth grade when the urge to try everything started to pop up. Maybe it was just a crush when I was with him, even for a moment but it felt good.
In ninth grade, he started to be different. I thought why apparently he's getting close to other girls. He was selfish, wouldn't let go of my hand or the girls. We fought, I was furious.
I can't believe that fight became our last meeting. Because of his stupidity that wouldn't grab a hand, an accident happened inevitably. I wasn't wrong, I should have if my relationship between me and him had been alright.
But the reality ... wasn't.
"You the one who approaching, you also who are left, and yet I have to endure the pain of being left alone while holding my soul in check," I murmured.
The laughter of Saka reechoes. "You let go of my hand, the wrong is you!" he retorted.
I have no intention to answer. It's just, is it too selfish if I want to be completely healed?
"I am lazy to serve your crazy behavior. But why is it that when I start to find a way to laugh you come all of a sudden?"
The wind that blows can't answer the question I'm asking him. Clenched my hands tightly was one way of restraining myself that would go back crazy.
I want to get healed!
"It's not fair if you're happy when I die, hahaha!"
In my mind, there was no Saka in the first place. He's gone from the real world. But why did my mind always annoy me?
Actually, what am I expecting from him?
To be continued
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