It's first-person narration, and it's completely in character. It's genuinely not a mistake. I don't know why you imply that it is. Not that I'm invested in defending this story, I just started reading it, but a criticism like this needs to be fair to be valuable. Just as important to structural critique is not just an evaluation of its correctness, but it's success at achieving a specific effect. This line seeks to characterize the narrator as he acts diagetically and actually works well to that end, I think.
S'not like I could really complain at how illegal it was on account of the fifty kilos of cocaine slung over my shoulder.
The Boys: Greatest Supervillain (Current World - JJK)
Anime & Comics · ChainFreak
Ngl, I think you did a fantastic job with this chapter with how the push and pull of the fight descended into cerebral, philosophical musings on the nature of deception to emulate Harribel falling deeper into Itachi's illusions. It was really interesting and well written.
A/N: Writing fights around Itachi's illusion is so testing and sometimes I wonder if I manage to convey what is in my head through words with the intended clarity to you guys. Maybe that's why his illusions are so bullshit that even Kishimoto gave up explaining the hows and whys, even the whens.
Crows x Souls
Anime & Comics · QuackVader
Well... he does have Mythic Beast Amber, but it isn't that useful cause... you know, you die when you use it.
Itadori shrugged. While he felt tempted to steal Kashimo's technique, the ancient sorcerer was skilled and powerful. Even if victorious, Itadori doubted he would come out unscathed.
Jujutsu Kaisen: Becoming the strongest as Yuji Itadori
Anime & Comics · TheJiujitsuGuy
CEASE!
"Nah, I'd win."
Ten Shadows in the Heian Era
Anime & Comics · Bored_MC
Ah... he can't quite make reflexive use of infinity without the six eyes, can he? And this girl's technique, it's Charles Bernard's future sight, just not held back by his shitty "drawing the next manga panel" interpretation. Nice, I love it.
However, as if she could see into the future, the girl was already in motion to dodge before his attack even began, and before he can do anything about it, she sweeps his legs with a low kick and slams him into the ground with a hand on his throat.
Ten Shadows in the Heian Era
Anime & Comics · Bored_MC
Come on, even if you don't intend to the potential, for it creates tension. Don't spoil your own damn story, man.
Still, I tried to keep my face calm. Law hadn't told me anything about Doflamingo yet, and I really didn't want to have that 'past life' conversation with him—not now, and maybe not ever.
Phantom Blade Zephyr: One Piece
Anime & Comics · TestSubject5
Literally "black steel?" I guess it works, but it feels kinda shallow as names go. I hope it doesn't remain that way, though.
So, being the "good" crew member I am, I quickly exited the submarine and unsheathed my new blade, "Kurogane". We were deep underwater, and it would've been tough for the old me to even get my bearings, let alone wield a sword effectively. But I've gotten stronger. And with my crew's influence, I've also become somewhat of an underwater battle specialist.
Phantom Blade Zephyr: One Piece
Anime & Comics · TestSubject5
I wouldn't say out of character, just a little shallow for what it's trying to demonstrate: that Netero deliberately constructs an outwardly childish persona.
He just looks at me with his knowing old man look and he starts humming in a low tune as he says… "Cool… so what are you here for."
Hunter x Hunter: A Selfish Wish (COMPLETED)
Anime & Comics · HolyJoker
Small technical mistake, but while context makes it simple enough to determine Tenten is the one speaking here, her name isn't brought up, so it's not as immediately clear as it should be, disrupting the text's flow. The easy fix is that "She" should be replaced with "Tenten" here.
"Nice job, Neji." She congratulated shortly, having expected nothing less.
Jujutsu Reincarnation: Unleashing The Ten Shadows In Naruto
Anime & Comics · BurgerNoTomatoes
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original One piece: Obsidian
"Once, a lord of light banished dark and all that stemmed from humanity. And men assumed a fleeting form These are the roots of our world, Men are props on the stage of life and no matter how tender, no matter how exquisite.... A lie will remain a lie." ------------------------------------------ First time writer. I had an oc idea and had wanted to get into writing as a hobby for a while and took the leap, might take a while before things get interesting. In terms of actual story structure as it relates to genre and intended demographic, the feel I'm going for is Shonen action mainly because it's what I know best. Additionally, the story will mostly follow canon for a long while. While the medium of fanfiction, in my opinion serves the purpose in allowing change to a piece of literature in the hopes of improving it, just as films allow conveyance of ideas/mood through camerawork and games allow relation to or identification with the main character via personal choice, I don't think I can do that for one piece by changing the course of the main story extremely, only by expanding on forgotten histories of the world MC is an OC that will travel the seas in the beginning of the great pirate era My original idea had a devil fruit and while I was working backwards that fruit didn't change. 'Recommendations' as to the course or content of this fanfic are not appreciated but analysis and constructive criticism of my general writing style are immensely appreciated. I need data to study if I ever want to get better at this The uploads here will most probably never be consistent much less super regular. Despite being male, I took the challenge of writing a female main character (Kill me now...). Why you might ask, because I personally find female characters more challenging and interesting to write, though she may come through a little too masculine for some tastes as a consequence of my inexperience as a writer. Also I find I think of more options when describing the look and distinctive features of female characters. If the concept of a female protag in itself turns you off I don't mind, as I said I'm just doing this as a hobby anyway. I don't own One Piece, the characters, or writings thereof, only the original characters and locations.11 Chs 56 Coleções
Jeez, my bad. Even with the question mark, in the context of commenting on a paragraph I read into your statement as a dig at the textual and editing quality nested with a question to appear less mean (a shitty thing that happens all the fucking time on the internet), which would be a shortsighted thing to do and, considering we are on webnovel, the chances it was that were higher than normal and I made a bad assumption because of that. That's on me. Sorry about that, man.
S'not like I could really complain at how illegal it was on account of the fifty kilos of cocaine slung over my shoulder.
The Boys: Greatest Supervillain (Current World - JJK)
Anime & Comics · ChainFreak