I'm the sister in the sequel

LV 15

Tonukurio

This story has great potential. Although characters are still finding their voice, there are incomplete sentences, it is rife with info dumps, as well as spelling and grammatical errors, the general logical flow and ideas are pretty good. Some of the descriptions are excellent, but there is still a sense of disconnect at times. The added descriptors as to the original (modern) character versus the in-novel (fantasy) character were very helpful in telling me what was going on without requiring too much beating around the bush. However, such 'telling' truly needs to be kept to a minimum, so that the actual story doesn't come to a standstill and can still shine. My main qualms are the info dumps and incomplete sentences. If the author could find a way to integrate the passing of factual information into the actions and story telling, and perhaps find someone who can assist in editing, the quality of the story would go up a few notches. Initially, I thought the Author was going to use the difficult but clever technique of having the original novel story being told in parallel to the MC's experiences, but it seems not. I was wrong and got excited over nothing. I was a bit disappointed, as the use of such a technique is extremely difficult. First, the other story has to be told in a completely different writing style with a completely different tone of voice and be written in such a way that it flows on its own, and yet still matches with the current progression of events which needs to be able to also flow as a standalone but is greatly enhanced by the two being read in conjunction together. It requires a great deal of planning and revision. Unfortunately despite my efforts, I have yet to master such an amazing technique, despite trying over and over again. I was hoping I could meet such a wondrous word crafter and get tips from them to improve myself. Maybe I still will, some time in the future. The use of the italicised paragraphs can help with driving the plot forwards, if the use is adjusted and the rules and reason for the italicised paragraphs are more clearly defined (in the author's planning). In short, it's a good idea, but how you doing this needs to be further refined. Author, be strict with your writing rules, world building rules and stick to them. Don't bend them. It makes things more believable. It's an excellent idea you have and although the high quality the usage is although slightly complex, don't be discouraged, keep working hard, or your novel will fall into the ranks of the mediocre. Don't take the easy way out and don't be lazy with your writing. In conclusion, a story with great potential, worthy of being read and kept an eye on. Don't miss out. I look forward to reading future developments (and the revised version after it has been edited).