Badges 3
Moments 103
Would restructure the dialogue to "Go, go. Don't waste our time," or to just use 1 "Go"
"Go go, don't waste our time," Vernisia said while sitting on Lyn and commanded it to fly beside Zevien.
Ascension: Strongest Fateless Mage
Fantasy · LivingVoid
I smell something grim
-1st Effect: This relic will automatically activate once you die and restore your health and body condition to any instance of your choice from 48 hours prior to your death.
Ascension: Strongest Fateless Mage
Fantasy · LivingVoid
You can also shorten "I am" to "I'm", most people would
"Aahhh~ Quick, quick, I am climaxing!" Erica said as she bent down and hugged Dan.
Ascension: Strongest Fateless Mage
Fantasy · LivingVoid
the S in "meters" is unnecessary
-2nd Effect: The absorbed magic damage inside the orbs can be turned into a healing wave by the user to heal anyone within a twenty meters radius.
Ascension: Strongest Fateless Mage
Fantasy · LivingVoid
That comma makes it sound like the leader was talking to Alucard. Would suggest removing it to "that Alucard?"
"Did you find anything about that, Alucard?" the Supreme Leader of the Blood Sun Organization asked his agents.
Ascension: Strongest Fateless Mage
Fantasy · LivingVoid
a nice little detail on that last bit, honestly wasn't expecting that
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Ascension: Strongest Fateless Mage
Fantasy · LivingVoid
This paragraph sounds weird to me, could you explain the intention of this paragraph? Might be able to take a clue of what needs to be fixed.
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Ascension: Strongest Fateless Mage
Fantasy · LivingVoid
"becoming a 5th class magician"
"It's usually 0.5 magic power per minute after becoming 5th class magician," Zevien said before checking his status by infusing mana in Digi-watch.
Ascension: Strongest Fateless Mage
Fantasy · LivingVoid
I sense some genius spell weaving.
[Spell Weaving Chalice]
Ascension: Strongest Fateless Mage
Fantasy · LivingVoid
"the more 'physical' the chalice became"
Vernisia took out her mana and tried to infuse it into the chalice. The more she infused her mana, the more chalice became "physical". After pouring all of her remaining mana, which was around 2340, one-fifth of the chalice became physical.
Ascension: Strongest Fateless Mage
Fantasy · LivingVoid
I would restructure it to "Looks like the chalice isn't a 'physical' item." Though, if you want to keep a similar structure, then I would suggest changing "didn't" to "doesn't" since "doesn't" is an abbreviation for "does not", and using "did not" (or didn't) is grammatically incorrect.
"Very strange indeed," Zevien nodded. That item didn't look like a "physical" item. It was glowing and seemed to be made of tiny blue mystical dots.
Ascension: Strongest Fateless Mage
Fantasy · LivingVoid
Had to double check this, but apparently you can use both "toward" and "towards" here. I personally would use "towards" because it sounds natural in this case, but it's a matter of preference.
Vernisia quickly released Discharged Beam, her tier-1 fusion spell, toward two dark fireballs that were going to hit her and continued flying on Lyn.
Ascension: Strongest Fateless Mage
Fantasy · LivingVoid
I am to I'm, simpler and sound more natural
"But we will stay longer," Vernisia said with resolve. "I am not gaining any magic power, but I guess I will still feel the pressure of leaving."
Ascension: Strongest Fateless Mage
Fantasy · LivingVoid
Or that you accidentally added a quotation mark at the start of that description for the spell.
"How about that tier-2 spell, Mist Blow Punch?" Vernisia suggested as she remembered a magic spell she had read. "Mist Blow Punch is an attack-type spell with slight control. It can deal a powerful impact to the opponent before spreading mist around the target.
Ascension: Strongest Fateless Mage
Fantasy · LivingVoid
You forgot the closing quotation mark at the end
"How about that tier-2 spell, Mist Blow Punch?" Vernisia suggested as she remembered a magic spell she had read. "Mist Blow Punch is an attack-type spell with slight control. It can deal a powerful impact to the opponent before spreading mist around the target.
Ascension: Strongest Fateless Mage
Fantasy · LivingVoid
Would argue that using "durability" rather than "defenses" is better, since it's obvious that the main usage of defense-type spells are to defend.
—>Effect: Coat your hands with baleful nether power. Nether Touch will affect the first one you touch with your hands and rot them. It can decay the defenses of defense-type spells.
Ascension: Strongest Fateless Mage
Fantasy · LivingVoid
Luckier. Using "more lucky" doesn't sound natural at all.
"I lost…," Vernisia wryly smiled. "But we will do this every time when we encounter treasure chests or something like that. Let's see who is more lucky."
Ascension: Strongest Fateless Mage
Fantasy · LivingVoid
The comment earlier doesn't apply on this, oddly. But that's just how English works.
"Rock, Paper, Scissors!"
Ascension: Strongest Fateless Mage
Fantasy · LivingVoid
"rock paper scissors" if you don't want to include "and" after "paper,"
"Let's do rock, paper, scissors," Zevien said with a grin. "The winner will open the chest."
Ascension: Strongest Fateless Mage
Fantasy · LivingVoid
1. I got a dig bick 2. You that read wrong 3. You read that wrong too 4. You checked 5. You smiled 7. You are wandering why you are still reading this 8. You saw that mistake, right? (On 7) 10. But did you see that I skipped 6? 10. You checked 11. And saw you that I doubled 10 and skipped 9 12. I said "saw you" not you saw 13. I also skipped 2 14. You got tricked 15. Follow me for exp ;) 16. I'm just wasting your time, but if you were entertained, leave a like and happy reading!
Rebirth: Tyrant's New Reality
Fantasy · LivingVoid