I stood at the top of the game, but was forced to abandon my true dream.
Now that I have another shot, I won't let it slip away again~

Renata Cassius was the teen prodigy of the game 'Ambush', holding the title of best player in the world. But her real dream was beyond that - it was to stand at the top of a pro scene, to lead a team to victory. And with the release of 'Legend', an unknown quantity in the world of Full Dive VR games, she might just have the chance she's been looking for.

*Re-uploading Roma on Royal Road, just putting this here to provide proof of ownership for the fine folks over there*
*It'll still be going up here, but we'll also get italicized thoughts and other formatting goodies over there, which is nice*

Hello there! I hope you are on good mood as I did. Villain's Will has more chapters on Wattpad with the same title. As I don't have a personal PC, I'm finding it hard to edit (such as Italicized words for thoughts or using bold fonts) the words here on webnovel. I hope you also support me on W a t t p a d :))
Thank you,
Xeng Loathes

Warnings: all translations are from google translate, so we'll see if they're correct. The italicized words in quotations are the translated version in English. Italicized paragraphs in a series are past scenes or dreams, just to specify in case.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steve stood under the pavilion on the front of the Ebbets Field stadium, glancing through the growing crowd for his friends. Louise is the first to show, wearing a white buttoned shirt tucked into an a-line red floral skirt, her eyes catching his back as she approaches from behind him.
"Boo!" She shouts, shocking Steve and scaring a few men and women passing her.
"Really, Lou?" Steve asks, glancing up to her with a scoff and shook his head.
"What's wrong, Steven? You're usually laughing about my feeble attempts to scare you and Bucky." Louise points out, letting her smile fall slightly at Steve's frustrated demeanor.
"I got rejected again." Steve responds after a minute of their silence, the crowd bustling into the stadium for another Dodgers game.
"Steve, I know you want this, but you need to be careful. One day they're going to catch on, and then we'll not be able to do anything." She cautions, and Steve shakes his head.
"If you were brave enough or just able to tell him you're in love with him; and have been since you were children, would you try no matter the rejection? No matter the pain?" Steve retorts and Louise takes a step back, feeling defensive of his accusation, rather his meticulous knowledge of her feelings. Both keep quiet as they think over each other's words, not noticing Bucky standing across from them, just catching Steve's last words.
"You're in love with someone?" Bucky says, his tone meaning in a joking matter, covering his rising jealousy, envy. Louise glances to Bucky, freezing like a deer in headlights, peeking to Steve to help.
"I was just teasing Louise about a man who flirted with her before you arrived." Steve tumbles out, scratching the back of his head, taking Bucky's attention. Louise breathes out quietly, giving Steve a nod of approval before speaking.
"I was telling Steve he needs to be careful on choosing a seat. Telling him about being able to see and some crazy fan shouting next to us." Louise adds on to Steve's blatant lie, hoping Bucky at least believed her.
"Well, what are we waiting for then? I'm here, and now so is the fun. So let's get inside and enjoy the game." Bucky speaks up with a chuckle, wrapping his arm around Louise's shoulder and Steve's to lead them into the stadium. Bucky himself has a feeling of doubt to their words, but rejoicing somewhat in Louise's single status.
--
Louise stands in a small fresh market, her left hand holding a wooden basket slightly filled with some fruits and a few vegetables. Her right hand softly grabs a peony, already knowing what it was by the look.
"Here you go." A voice says behind her, her head turns to see Bucky standing in a brown army recruit suit with a matching hat over his short dark hair. She glances over it, her chest aching slightly as she turns to face him. Bucky dropped some change to pay for the flower, and he held his arm out for her to grab. She looped her basket with her left arm, holding the flower in it as she looped her right one with his left.
"I-"
"My grandmother grew this exact flower in her garden for decades, saying it reminded her of a special flower she saw in France. She called them Rosa 'Princesse Louise'. Told my Father they were named after a princess she didn't even know about." Louise rambled, as Bucky led them through the market slowly, listening as he understood what she was doing. He slows to a stop, pulling her to face him.
"Is that how you got your name?" He plays along, giving her a look of knowing as she glanced down.
"Sort of. My mother's Italian so she wanted a strong name, as she knew somehow I would be strong before I was born. My father proposed the name, and she agreed after months of finally figuring out a little meaning behind the name. It supposedly means ''renowned warrior." She finishes, keeping her head down as she smelt the rose, his hand tilting her face up.
"It's fitting." He responds, pulling away as she stares at him.
"When are you leaving?" She asks after a minute of silence between them and the bustling crowd around them.
"First thing in the morning." He says quietly, her eyes closing at the thought.
"I'm with the 107th, Sergeant James Barnes, shipping out for England tomorrow." Louise glanced up to his eyes after a second, her glasses hiding the slight glossiness in her eyes. She gives him a nod and tries to leave, Bucky grabbing her arm softly to turn her back.
"You could alway write. You've always had good penmanship." Bucky tries, having a sick feeling towards her reaction.
"Why, you'll always have plenty of girls writing to you?" She jokes, trying to keep herself from being sad and letting him notice. He chuckles in relief, unknowingly breezing over her feelings.
"Well, will you come with me tonight before I leave?" He asks, holding out his other hand after letting her go.
"Where?" She chirps back, trying to stay positive.
"The World Exposition, the Future." Bucky speaks out, and she sighs, knowing the basic outcome of tonight.
"Of course, James." She responds, making him frown slightly as she moves to leave.
"I'll meet you there." She adds quickly, stepping away from him as many people tried to walk by. Bucky tries to follow, many people surrounding him as he sees Louise slither by, and disappear.
--
Louise softly applied a red lip colour with a small bush, finishing it smoothly and washed the brush quickly. She stood in a red cocktail tea dress, the red complimenting her skin tone. She softly laid her glasses on her face, checking her soft makeup she applied. She checked her small blacked heel shoes, and held her black clasp in her hand. She exited her room, and stepped down her stairs and into the bakery. Her mother glanced at her, smiling sadly as she knew what she had done earlier that afternoon.
"Sei bellissima, Luisa." (You are beautiful, Luisa.)
"Non so se dovrei andare, mamma." (I don't know if I should go, mom.) Louise spoke in italian, her nerves fluctuating as she mentally debated her feelings.
"Vai Luisa. Mi rifiuto di lasciarti qui, sguazzando, mentre l'uomo che ami sta lasciando. Vai, il mio fiore." (Go, Luisa. I refuse to let you stay here, wallowing, while the man you love is leaving. Go, my flower.) Her mother responds, making Louise calm slightly as she regains her confidence.
"I will, mamma." Louise smiles as she exits, waving down a cab to go to the Exposition. Her mother watches as she disappears and her last employee leaves, making her return into her bakery and close it for the night.

“Are you ever gonna let me save you?”
“I’m not your typical damsel, James.” 
Louise was a woman with many skills, baking, dancing, knife throwing, undercover ops, etc. Well, she learned the last two while her best friends fought in the second World War. She felt her friend became more than he already was, a brave man. He became strong and tall, her second friend she felt changed and thrive, even growing some feelings more as time went on. Though time took him away, as well as all of their supposed lives. That would be it, except for some things that seem to last forever.

|| THINGS TO REMEMBER | Forgotten Memories ||
"One's memory is a weak and fragile thing. It forgets the important ones it needs the most, but it remembers saddening moments like a broken record. Truly, what a sad thing, it is. A human's mind could only take so much until it began throwing other memories away to be replaced."
--
|| QUOTES ||
- One the beginning of every chapter, I will put some sort of "quote," along with the title on top of them to make it a bit "prettier."
- I will not base the quotes off of anything aside from my own mind, imagination, and creation. Any similarities in words and sentences are purely coincidental.
- The quotes at the beginning of every chapter will be italicized. However, this feature could only be seen on laptops/computers. Please, mind that the feature is not yet set on the Webnovel app.
- Even if the sentences are in "...", they will be italicised. 
|| BOLD ||
- This feature is also available/can be seen on the laptop/computer. If you read it on the mobile app of Webnovel, it may not show, along with the italic feature.
- Words that are emphasized, important, and dates will be bolded.
- Words in || ... || and [...] will be bolded as well.
- Important sentences will be bolded.
- Emphasized and accent words will be bolded and italicised, along with the capitalisation of every letter.
|| ITALIC ||
- This feature is available/can be seen on the laptop/computer. If you read it on the mobile app of Webnovel, it may not show, along with the bold feature.
- Thoughts in '...' will be italicised.
- Foreign words (non-English) such as Japanese honorifics, non-English terms, et cetera.
- Emphasized and accent words will be bolded and italicised, along with the capitalisation of every letter.
- The quotes at the beginning at the chapters (will be edited in as I update them).
|| HYPHEN ||
- It is to show points or the main points, just like now. It will not be used in future chapters unless I decided to make auxiliary chapters such as this.
- It's used to join words to indicate that they have a combined meaning or that they are linked in the grammar of a sentence (as in pick-me-up, rock-forming), to indicate the division of a word at the end of a line, or to indicate a missing or implied element (as in short- and long-term).
|| DOUBLE HYPHEN ||
- The "double hyphen" (--) will be used to show the beginning of a chapter (story) and the end of it.
- It (they?) will also indicate when a character's words or a narration that got cut off by another.
- The (--) or "double hyphen," as I'd like to call it (them?), also indicates time skips, the story moving to another place/time, the story showing another point of view, the story moving forward or backwards-- depends.
- It (they?) is also used when a comma isn't used and is replaced with the "double hyphens (I have no idea how to explain this one)."
|| QUOTATION MARKS ||
- These "..." are used for conversations and quoted words in someone's mind.
- These '...' are used for inner conversations or someone's thoughts and are used for quoted words in normal conversations.
- On narration, quoted words will use these "..."
|| THINGS TO REMEMBER | Forgotten Memories - End ||
--


––

"Wrong my people, you will taste misery and despair. Wrong my loved ones, you will taste suffering and never-ending pain. Wrong my family, you will taste something worse than death itself. Mark my words."

Ichijou Shizuka, a fifteen-year-old girl living her life as a Spirit Wielder and a student, is known as both a genius in art and magic.

Being the "Grand Summoner" of the Ichijou Clan, how will Shizuka face the twisted reality where she can't use magic again? What will she do to fix that?

What was the cause of her mother and sister's deaths? Was there someone behind it? How will she react to the bitter reality fate has brought to her? What will she do when she stands face to face with her brought-up pasts?

"The Law" that bound the clans and tribe for who-knows-how-long–– straining their freedom in their lives and throwing away possible options for them to take.

Will they free themselves? Would they want to, though? The power that was given in an exchange for their freedom–– only to become one's chains and prison.

Follow the adventures of the young Spirit Wielder and her friends on their journeys, finding their true goal in life while rescuing spirits along the way. 

––

|| DISCLAIMER(S) ||

•⠀This is BOOK 1 of the "Our Story" Series. It is not completed and is still serializing. Some arcs might be longer than others, as there are battles and details involved. The other books for the series will come when this book is finished.
•⠀The picture I used for the cover is not mine, it belongs to its artist(s). If you are the artist(s) and you want me to take the picture down, I will gladly do so~! Or you can perhaps notify me to give you proper credit(s)!
•⠀This is a work of fiction, none of it is real. If there are any similarities in organizations' names or a person's name, they are all purely accidental.
•⠀This story will be updated when I have time, based on the server time (17.00 GMT+8).
•⠀Under the stage of editing: typos, grammar mistakes, miscast of words, etc. I apologize if you become confused or even received so many notifications for it.
•⠀Some of the characters' names might use spellings for Japanese names.

––

|| WARNING(S)||

•⠀There will be some killings and blood involved.
•⠀There will also be "slight" cursing, so... brace yourselves.
•⠀Mentions of blood, demons, killing, death, etc. will be up ahead.
•⠀Anime, Japanese, Latin, Greek, and other references from various countries (honorifics, symbols, myths, etc.) will be used in this book and will be altered a bit to match the plot. So, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
•⠀Some lines of the characters might be disturbing to some (demons' lines, maniacal laughter, mentions of killing, etc.). 
•⠀Please mind these warnings before reading the story. You have been warned.
•⠀If you're starting to feel sick when reading for too long or staring at your screen for a while, please stop reading immediately as your health is more important.

––

You can reach me out on:

DISCORD
Xierryne#9968

––

Started: August 9th, 2020
Completed: ???

––

Hello, children of earth who happen upon this book. I hope you enjoy this book that we made. Yes, we, this book, and in fact the whole account, is shared between two people that play instruments. If any other fellow musicians notice something wrong, please inform us. One person plays the viola and the piano. Other person, cello. Pen names: Viola, Cello
Just a warning we have a main character that has anxiety and depression so if those things are triggering to you do be aware. We will put content advisory's at the top of every chapter. Some characters are also part of the LGBTQ+ community and hate will not be tolerated here. If you don't like it read a different book. We also do not condone the beautification of any mental illness. The thoughts that will be mentioned are mostly heavy or the thoughts of seclusion from other people, not suicide or death. But there are moments that will be triggering, so there will be a warning in the beginning of the chapter. 
On a brighter note we have the weekly meme. Memes shall be part of every chapter. Make a meme and send it to us we might add it. Also to those Grammar Police out there, please tell us when we mess up, we would appreciate that, just don't be mean about it. One member is also a Grammar Police, so is any other Police wanna chat, Viola is up for it.
One more thing, updates will be slow. Don't expect an update every day. We'll try to update every one to two weeks. However since updates are irregular we might update the next day or it might take weeks so don't be surprised.
Please don't add "bad comments", they aren't very nice.
 Examples of "bad comments":
"Please update soon!!!"
"Uhh! This story is horrible!! The writers are so stupid!!!"
"When are you going to update??"
"I hate the characters!!"
Update Comments:
Both of us hate these comments, update comments are very annoying, even though we both love the enthusiasm, it puts a lot of pressure on us. We have out-of-wattpad activities that can be very pressuring, not to mention stressful. 
Bad Update Comments:
"Why aren't you updating?!"
Insulting Comments:
Again, both us us incredibly dislike these comments. They don't put pressure on us, but they certainly hurt us internally. Both of us understand that you can't like every single aspect of the story, but please do not straight-up insult the both of us, it's incredibly rude, not to mention they dishearten the both of us.
Mild Insulting Comments:
"I don't like ____, could you just remove her from the book?"
Constructive Comments:
We both love these comments! They help us become better writers without harming our feelings. We don't feel bad when we read comments like these, they actually motivate us. They tell us what we are doing wrong, while also giving us more information on how to fix it, but please be specific. 
Good Constructive Comments:
"I don't like the character ____, maybe if you changed the scenarios to make him seem less bossy, it would change the character dynamic a little bit. Also trying to develop the character into fixing their character through their hard work would be beneficial. I think, letting a new character in change would be a good change." 
Compliment Comments:
We both love these comments even more than the constructive comments! They are so nice, and sometimes funny! They always make us smile and feel so honored for somebody to like the story to a point where they decided to take a time out of their day to compliment the story! We both know it sounds "cringy", but it is true! 
Compliment Comments (They are always good):
"I love the story, it's amazing!"
Italicized words will be abiding to the American English Grammar System and, in the story, will be used to describe thoughts.
Bold words means that it is an author's note.
Now, let's get on with the story~

Dear Readers,
So in this past week or so I have made lots of changes and revisions in basically every chapter. While most are minor, there have been some major changes. I'm not forcing a reread so I highly recommend checking out the changes listed below.
Chapter 1: Some dialogue with Emilia was changed near the end. Originally, she took Damian to the village because she was interested by his strange clothes and pitied his situation. This is changed to her stating that she was waiting for him to arrive since she was tasked with checking under the Lotus Tree because of the prophecy.
Chapter 2: There were originally archers present at the village. They have been deleted. Dialogue between Damian, Emilia, and Richard was changed to fit Emilia's knowledge of the prophecy (she only knows the part that Damian would one day be found under the tree).
The villagers' gossip was changed since they previously mentioned the prophecy which they are now not supposed to know of (Only Frank knows the full prophecy. It is passed down to each village chief).
Originally, Damian had a tantrum like a little baby when Frank didn't explain what was going on and it was removed because it didn't fit his character. Now, Damian talks civilly with Frank after a staredown.
Chapter 3: In the beginning explanation of the new world, it is noted that there are many similarities between Damian's world and the one he was in now: "Although surprisingly, there were many similarities between his world and the one he was in now. Their calendars were the same, currency was the same (though instead of presidents there were previous kings on the bills and coins), and English was the main language spoken and written, to list a few."
Chapter 4: When Damian asked Emilia why she never told him that elves existed, she asked "your's didn't?". Now instead, she says he didn't ask and this is followed up by Damian asking if other demi-human species existed, in which she explains that they do but most live in the Issho Kingdom of the East.
Chapter 5: In this chapter the beast makes its first appearance. Damian's interaction with it is very different than how it previously was. Originally, Damian attempted to fight the beast in anger for the fallen villagers which resulted in him being slapped so hard he "died". Now, Damian reacts in the exact opposite way. He is frozen by fear and after getting his phone destroyed, is kicked into Frank's house which consequently collapses on him. Also Damian does not go through the space from the prologue when he activates his Blessing for the first time.
Chapter 6: The Traveler is now established as a known criminal that is at large. Also thanks to user Weed282's insightful comment(different site), I added the comeback of "How can he be alive if he is the first to be blessed?" to Damian's arsenal when he attempted to convince Frank that he had the Blessing of Time Travel.
Chapter 7: Since Damian now does not go through the space from the prologue, he never states that to Emilia and she never comments on it.
Chapter 8: When thinking of ways to help the elf during her battle with the ape, before he tries to sneak attack it, he now attempts to go back in time, which fails.
And that's basically all of them. I'll try to be more proactive with the story from now on to try to avoid another large scale revision like this one because I'm sure they aren't pleasant for those who read the unrevised version and it may cause confusion. But in the case that I do, I'll be sure to add an author's note like this one. Also I just realized that none of Damian's thoughts are italicized, which they are supposed to be, and I don't know how to italicize them or if I even can so from now on Damian's thoughts will be in brackets and I will also go back to bracket the thoughts in old chapters.

Everybody has something they would go insane for. It could be as simple as food or money. Or it could be as complex as love. It could be a person, power, or maybe wealth. Anyone could go insane for anything. And it's frightening  what one will go through to secure it.

When Damian wakes up one day in a fantasy-like world, where of course power beyond scientific comprehension are common, he must adjust to his new-life style. However, unbeknownst to him, danger lurks just around the corner, ready to take his life. With a power he can only use at the brink of death, he must save himself and those he would go insane for.

Disclaimer: This series contains violence, death, and gore.

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/yaso_m.b/ Username: yaso_.m.b

(Anything in asterisks is meant to be italicized.)
"MacKayla," Masdann said after a while, placing a hand on her shoulder. He was afraid she would get stuck in that possibility if he let her watch for too long. His touch was enough to bring her out of it and she shuddered. He withdrew his hand as she turned to him.
"What was that?"
"A possibility. Specifically one where Cruce had not thought to create someone like me." 
She shivered like she was still feeling the effects of the brutal cold of the Unseelie prison.
"Someone made from the essence of Jericho Barrons, or someone who can traverse and manipulate the Dreaming?" she asked, frowning a little.
"Both. It's best if you keep focused on me. I'd prefer you take my hand or my arm whenever you wish to look around so I can keep you anchored. Telling Barrons his Rainbow Girl got lost in the Dreaming is not a possibility I'd wish to experience." He held out his arm to her and she slipped hers through it.
"No, I can't imagine that going over well for anyone," she said with a smirk. "Why don't you show me around while we talk?"
"As you wish," he said with a nod before they started to meander. "Though, as I said, there isn't much to show. And I can't imagine you've come to visit me alone just to see my court."
"No, I haven't," she admitted. "I've come to ask you again to be a member of my High Council."
"And I still see no reason for me to accept," he told her. "I have no subjects in my court and I am content with the power I have. Besides, it is not the wisest course of action. The other members will assume you favor me above them because of the striking resemblance I bear to your consort. I will only cause you more problems."
"Actually, you're causing me problems by *not* being on it." He stopped and looked down at her curiously. "Your lands are shrouded in mystery, as are you. You almost never visit anyone else's court and have prevented anyone from visiting yours."
"I do that for their own protection."
"Yes, I've explained that to them. Thoroughly." It amused him that she still bore her emotions so visibly on her face. "But they're growing suspicious. They may have their emotions back, making them less petty, but they still enjoy court politics. I know there will come a day where I'm going to need all the allies I can get. Winter may have gotten a reset and has forgotten the punishment she endured under the previous queen at the hands of her lover and her best friend, but she's still as devious as ever. I can count on Christian and Sean and Jayne but I'd like another ally."
"What about the king?" he asked. 
She snorted.
"Ryodan couldn't care less about the court and Barrons is tired of telling him to show up. Besides, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep the others at bay. I'd rather not have anyone saber rattling so soon after coming together. Even having Barrons speak on your behalf—" She stopped speaking when he suddenly looked away, as if he was hearing something she couldn't.
"Forgive me, MacKayla," he said when he turned back. "I must attend to something. In my absence, I think you'll enjoy this possibility." He waved his hand and the wall rippled as he summoned a vision he had seen the other night that had made him laugh. "I shan't be a moment."
"Who even uses words like 'shan't'?" he heard her mutter as he sifted away.

From the world of the Fever series by Karen Marie Moning.

Keep reading for a sneak peak.

Masdann, Unseelie Prince of Dreams, is visited by MacKayla Lane O'Connor, Queen of the Fae. During her visits to his court, she occasionally gets lost in dreams and possibilities. Eventually, Masdann begins crafting them for her as a tribute--particularly a long and lengthy one where she and her consort Jericho Barrons have a child.

If you've read any of these books, you know that Mac and Barrons having a child can't even begin to be described as 'interesting'.

It's Mac and Barrons so there is definitely some mature content.

--SNEAK PEAK--

It had been almost ten years since Barrons’s son had been here. There was still a stain on the ground from where he had ripped out my throat and I had bled out multiple times as my body had worked to restore itself. 

“I’m sorry,” I said softly as I felt the earth offer and begin to replenish me. He shifted closer and took my hand. “I don’t like this room, either.”

“Just hurry up and replenish, Mac,” he told me. “That stain on the floor forces me to remember watching you repeatedly die. It’s filling me with the need to fuck you.”

I smiled and laid my head on his shoulder as I said, “Everything fills you with the need to fuck me.”

He snorted a laugh and slanted me a look, saying, “Yes, because nothing makes you want to take me anywhere, anytime. Remembering holding you as you repeatedly bled out shortly after you admitted you should have voluntarily fucked me *really* fills me with the need to fuck you.” I was chuckling by the time he got to the end of his sentence and I opened my eyes to see him smiling down at me. 

I smiled back up at him before I said, “It’s been—what? almost ten years since I stumbled into the bookstore?”

“Something like that.”

“It’s been almost ten years since I met you,” I said as I squeezed his hand. My voice was just above a whisper. “Ten years and I am still ripped-down-raw in love with you, Jericho Barrons.”

Barrons was exultant, and I couldn’t breathe when I saw something I’d only seen once before in his eyes: joy. The only other time I’d seen it was when I’d lied to him because I wanted him to have some peace of mind. He’d known I was lying but hadn’t cared; I’d lied because I loved him. 

“These past ten years with you have been the best of my life,” he told me and I preened as I grinned; he’d lived a very long life.

“I want it to always be like this,” I told him. “I at least want to always feel this way when I look at you.”

“What do you feel, Rainbow Girl?” 

“Complete,” I said after a moment of thought so I could find the right word. 

He was still exultant when he leaned down and kissed me, tender at first before growing hot and hungry.

“I seriously need to fuck you now, Mac,” he growled.

“Soon,” I assured him.

I preened a little when I thought about what he was looking at: a Barbie-lookalike he knew had knives hidden all over her with the Spear of Destiny and a gun holstered to her legs, rounds of ammunition in her pockets and belt.

A woman ready for anything and anyone that came at her. A woman he’d trained to be ready for anything. A woman who could drive him bugfuck crazy and was deeply and firmly embedded under his skin.

The woman who had been prepared to remake the world for him. The woman who existed outside of all rules for him. The mother of his child.

His beast saw its mate, a monster who could turn off every emotion so she could do what needed to be done.

Barrons saw his sun, moon, and stars. 

His Rainbow Girl. 

*His* woman. 

———————————

If you liked that, you should start reading. Major spoilers if you’ve never read the books. Most can be found on Amazon for less than $10. I recommend them to everyone I meet. This is still a good read if you haven’t read them. I give plenty of explanation throughout. 

Enjoy!

Hi @NickfEast!

Thanks for requesting for a critique. 

This is a short one since I can tell you're not new to writing, and as I've said, I'm only going to provide constructive critiques to those who really need it. 

Anyways, below are my initial comments as a first time reader of your work, and some proofreading suggestions for you to make use of when you're in the editing process.

COVER:

the graphics could be better;

the font style and size of the book title / subtitle isn't very legible

BLURB corrections:

more than he thinks.

In a worst-case scenario, it might even force him

coming into a head-on collision, avoidance may not be enough.

But what if that is all one has to give?

Prologue and 1st Chapters:

From the opening paragraph alone, I can tell the author has already done well trying to establish his narrative tone. I didn't come across major issues with grammar, tense consistency, sentence structuring, etc.

The prose is impressive and shows the author put effort into his writing, but some paragraphs were tedious to read, almost to the point of consecutively info-dumping.

But I guess a number of readers will appreciate the satire more than the almost overwhelming amount of 'telling' content. (But maybe it's just my terribly short attention span talking, so, take this with a pinch of salt.)

I read through a few comma splices, run-ons, and punctuation errors but they're very minor and didn't distract me much as I read through the first chapters. Sorry I didn't have time to read everything. My apologies if this review is more on the technical aspects. It's just how I critique other people's work. 

All in all, the interesting narration and the way the author set up descriptive imagery made it a worthwhile read.

SUGGESTED CORRECTIONS:

nonconformity (no hyphen necessary)

all this...behaviour. (no space before or after an ellipsis)

better; it's just the way (a semicolon would be more appropriate)

any form of change---especially for the better. (a semicolon would be inappropriate for this sentence, or u could use an ellipsis to indicate a break in thought)

thoroughly confused, which, for a control freak of galactic proportions, is worse than outrage. (better sentence structure)

incessant light. (u could use a full stop here since the next phrase "Dick wished" isn't a tag for the previous independent clause, which i assume is an introspection by Dick)

its own mind. Run, children! (missing comma) Run while you can!

protect you now;  Ojero will finally win. (or just use a full stop/period)

a middle-aged man was perpetrating a prison break. (no comma necessary)

of everyone everywhere 'being' potentially at stake. (i think adding 'being' makes the narration flow better)

ochre-coloured (hyphen necessary)

spotted brown sandals (no hyphen necessary)

Even the ever-changing frown that he (omit the comma)

To complete the image of the scholar, he should have had a beard. (full stop)

To his great embarrassment, he had 

stone desert (no hyphen necessary)

However, another thought told him the first thought (i think the word 'thought' has been repeated one time too many in this part. try replacing it with "told him the first one was just his imagination.")

principle of escaping. ('he pondered' may be omitted since you've already italicized the sentence, denoting that it is another character's introspection)

of a four-seat



Okay. I guess that's enough nitpicking for tonight. 

Hope this helped somehow.



Your friendly critic,

M

Submit your story to the critique list if you want an honest feedback on your work. 


If you want a constructive critique or just an honest feedback on your book and writing skills, read the rules in the 1st chapter.


Note that my critiques can be pretty thorough (depending on my availability and mood of course), and they are far from overly generic and sugarcoated to the point of being unhelpful. This is not for authors who are merely fishing for compliments. As a content writer by profession, I have ample experience in non-fiction and technical writing, as well as proofreading and content editing.

PLEASE DO NOT COPY / DISTRIBUTE / PLAGIARISE MY ORIGINAL WORK. GIVE CREDIT WHERE IT IS DUE. 
NOTE: Text surrounded by asterisks (*) is supposed to be italicized. 

✦✦✦

*What brings a man like you to this Kingdom, Kalypso?* 

The Queen sat in a bed of polished marble filled with bathwater with her slender arms stretched out and resting over the border. Her dark eyes scanned the room in search of someone until they met mine and she smiled. Her hair, akin to molten onyx, framed bone structure cut by gods if only she weren't a Goddess herself. The thick strands moved like Medusa's snakes, defying gravity against a face so sharp as to be striking. 

When she spoke, her voice was unexpected – it was low, with an agreeable trace of huskiness and a hint of more power than her body would suggest. 

She knew that whatever had brought me to her Kingdom had brought many other men before me, and she needn't guess or listen. She allowed everyone to feel in charge, guiding the conversation with unnoticed prompts until, seconds later, they would be jumping through hoops to please her. 

Unlike these men, I know what you seek, your Grace, with an offer hard to refuse. I know him. The man, who was a clear head higher than most people I would consider tall, his skin darker yet warmer than mine or yours, and his hair a smooth caramel-brown. He was the living embodiment of beauty and brutality, having no desire to draw attention while his motives remained hidden, hence the allure. 

You didn't want to stare, but your eyes kept flicking to me, green with envy as if a snake were crawling through your skull; or, perhaps, that was what I wanted to see. You, your Grace, are aware of what business runs between him and I, and yet, allow me to talk further. 

When the trees danced and Iussus had decided to finally send the sun, I had ventured into the dark forest surrounding these lands, expected by elders to return before sunset, and with a doe in hand for a royal dinner dedicated to the dawn of my adulthood and huntsmanship. 

In the search of prey, I had instead crossed paths with a predator; he, whose entrancing, wolfish eyes devoured my presence past thick trees. They were like carnelian stone, following me as I moved through the snow – promoting unholy imaginations and unclean desires I would've otherwise not known. 

"It is rare that I see a hunter from the Northern Kingdom so young." His voice was bewitchingly deep and I wished he hadn't spoken at all. 

With my guard high, I immediately reached over my shoulder to draw an arrow and settle it upon my bow. "And who are you?" I asked shamelessly as I watched his silhouette draw near, revealing his burly physique and age far greater than mine. 

"A hunter, but from distant lands." 

I could've sworn he was a few feet away when he avowed, but with the blink of an eye, the man was standing afore me – ignoring the bow that pointed eagerly towards his abdomen. As if he were an animal himself, his close presence and momentary silence tempted me to shoot him and serve him ruthlessly for dinner. 
Alas, my naivety kept me frozen.

"Rumors of Versipellis called my name and I followed Their chants in hopes of bringing a beast's head home." 

I pursed my lips as I listened to his velvety voice and my beating heart before a question tore from my throat as quick as light, "Home to where?" 

Slowly, like ice sliding across a plate, he smiled. 
"The Great Mountains of the East," he said. 

Having not explored what resided beyond the Northern Kingdom then, I could hardly confirm nor deny his whereabouts. 

You sent water into ripples as you chuckled, and the sound was a heavy stone falling into a shallow well. I was convinced I could read your Grace's mind because the only thought resurfacing now would be one I hadn't come across back then. 

The East has no mountains.

Millennia ago, a curse was cast over the greediest of mankind, turning them to were-beasts, who reveal their true bestial nature at the moon’s peak. For centuries, kingdoms have trained Hunters to eradicate these beasts, which have no place on their lands.

In the Northern Kingdom, a new Hunter has risen; young and yet to earn his title, he is the Chief’s son. One day, in the depths of a dark forest, he meets a man that piques his interest in more ways than one. Captivated by the man's dominance and undeniable allure, the young hunter slowly finds himself surrendering to his temptation... However, unbeknownst to him, that man is a leader of a were-beast pack residing nearby. While other packs seek forgiveness, his is one to which cunning comes as second nature. Cruelty first.

WARNING: R-18 | M/M
Contains mature themes, including but not limited to violence and dub-con.

After Bee said that they got on Mihawk's raft headed towards an island, once we got there and got onto the island he noticed that nobody was there "Is this a deserted island" asked Bee "yes, now time for training" Mihawk said 

"I will explain what we are doing, 1st we will get you better on swordsmanship, by the end of these 2 years I should have to use a normal blade in order to beat you" then bee responded "Wait, 2 years? Wasn't I supposed to take the test when I was 15," said Bee " yes, you were supposed to but because of your skill they have you take it at 10" " ok, now 2nd you will learn rokushiki, 3rd I will teach you the basics of haki if I can" 

After that, he and Mihawk had a sparring match where basically Mihawk played with him for a couple of minutes before he was bored. After that he tested Bee's physical strength and capabilities, he decided he should learn soru first, then he explained haki to bee and bee told him that he already knew about it which surprised Mihawk, to say the least.

"Well that's good I don't have to explain it," said Mihawk 

After that he handed Bee a book about how to learn rokushiki which was 
1.Geppo
A technique that allows you to walk on air using wind pressure 

2.Tekkai
A technique that allows you to harden your body to levels of steel 

3.Shigan
A technique that allows you to make a wound like a bullet by moving your finger at a fast speed

4.Rankyaku
the users kick at very high speeds and strength, sending out a sharp air blade

5.Soru
allows the users to move at extremely high speeds in order to avoid attacks, as well as to attack at higher speeds and with greater power

6.Kami-e
the Kami-e makes the users' body extraordinarily flexible in order to avoid any attacks, float, and bending their body like a piece of paper

And if you mastered those 6 you could learn Rokuogan-
The user places both their fists right in front of the target to focus their physical strength to launch a devastating shock wave in a forward direction

They were truly strong abilities that would help him in the future 'Hey, Gyuki could I use some of your power if I learn this'
Yes, but only around 25%, I have decided that I would put my power into 4 forms, 25%, 50%, 75%, and 100%

A/N( italicized means Gyuki is speaking)

'Ok, Great' was all he said before training, Mihawk said that in order for him to teach me haki I would have to learn all 6 of the techniques and the 7th one was optional. After practicing that he would start sword fighting and Bee would exchange and switch what he was doing almost constantly.

--- 2 years later ---

"It's been a good 2 years," Mihawk said "Yeah It really has," Bee said with a hint of sadness
"Well you better get going wouldn't want to be late" "Yeah, I will repay you someday, just ask if it's in my power I will do it," Bee said as he was drifting away heading towards Marineford

After training for 2 years he learned all 6 rokushiki techniques he didn't have time for the 7th but he could learn it later, he also learned the basics of observation haki and got the knowledge on how to train in armament and conquerors if he ever has it.

At this time he saw a giant pirate ship heading towards him.
--------------
didn't love this chapter but it could have been worse

This is about a kid who had the 8 tails sealed inside him in one piece

are italicized novel

Roma

VILLAIN [DELETED]

Ardent || MCU

Our Story: Spirit Wielders

Spring Duet

Mankind's Blessing

The Court of Dreams

M's Book Reviews

The Hunter and The Beast

Killer Bee’s Power in One Piece

People search are italicized also like: