/ Fantasy / My Kingdom Building System
概要
[QUEST: The Beggar from Another World]
[Beg 10 times: 0/10]
[Rewards: Old Rusty Sword]
"Huh, what am I supposed to do with that sword? Dig my own grave? Then you better give me a shovel." The beggar said jokingly.
[The quest has still not been accepted]
[The reward changed]
[New reward: Old Rusty Shovel]
"Hey, hey, hey! I was joking. And why did you gave me a Rusty Shovel? I meant a new one!"
[Ding]
[The quest has been automatically accepted]
"System! You bully people far too much!"
["..."]
"Ahh! I guess I can only complete this quest, so that I can receive new quests."
The beggar walked down the street and approached one middle aged man.
"Excuse me."
"Get away from here!" The man took a broom ready to chase the beggar away.
"Sigh!" The beggar lowered his head. "It's really hard to live as a beggar.
But how can I give up? A whole kingdom needs to be build and it would definitely not build itself."
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The character has a goal, he completes tasks smartly and the system is not silly and gives a lot of bonuses It is terrifying for the wife to appear as the bossy one over the husband
I have read till chapter 18 here what I observed is everything is good except when mc acts like a retard every now and then for example when he gets extremely scared everytime something happens to the system and he beats or abuses people if don't listen to him or there answers are not good enough for him i.e. intelligence wise mc is totally trash.
Sorry but the mc and characters Are really boring to read about you instantly dislike most characters in the story and there is no cohersion throughout.
9/10 i would have liked more in depth about the begging but hey your writing gets better with every chapter if you redid the first 3 chapter with you current skills the writting would be way better
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Hi author, I would like to tell you that so far (cap14) you are doing a good job. I am not an expert, but I would like to give my opinion. You seem to want to write a fairly inteligent character, however, he lacks insight, he has not yet asked for much information about the world where he has arrived, such as the name of the place where he lives and a map, it would also be interesting if he asked the system for information about what he can do (since when he talks to it he usually responds). You also wrote that he was good at most of the things he did before, it would be better to specify at what level though (basic, intermediate, advanced). As a suggestion to add to the statics, "Perception" would be interesting. The quality of the writing is an 8.5/10, there are some errors now and then, but it is quite easy to follow the thread. As a story I like the idea and I hope you will be able to improve it ,make it co-revealing to the reader and obviously climb the rankings. I hope you won't abandon the novel because, in my opinion, it has potential. Good luck.
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