章 32: Part XXXII
"Hey." The soft whispers of a familiar masculine voice disturbs my not so peaceful slumber. Trying to recollect my distorted memories, I open my eyes slowly adjusting them to the light and environment.
"You're awake." The voice comes again, clearer this time and I look beside me to see Sean, looking at me with so much concern and relief. That's when I remember all that happened and immediately, I try to scoot away from him in fear, afraid of what he might do to me.
"Hey." He says lowly like he's talking to a baby, "I won't hurt you." He tries to touch me but I flinch on impulse and he sighs, his slight smile falling completely as he retreats back and sits on the couch.
"Why did you do it?" He asks and I'm lost for a second before realising he was referring to the cuts. I look at my arm and see they're are starting to close, three horizontal red lines incised in my left arm. They'll surely leave ugly scars, scars that'll forever remind of these times. My pain, my hurts, my fears, my regrets. Everything. They'll follow me forever.
"You intentionally missed your veins Crystal," he comes again, "death wasn't your goal."
"No, it wasn't." I say, my voice croaked and my body weak.
"Then why?" He asks again, sounding a bit relieved that I didn't try to kill myself.
"Death?" I sigh, "the one thing I desire most but always finds a way to elude me. I just wanted to feel pain, a distraction. Trust me, I wanted to die," I chuckle lightly to hide my breaking voice a little while trying to hold the tears in. "but I knew I wouldn't. I never do. That's a little unfair and impartial don't you think. It took away the one I love in the worst way possible, so easily he died. But each and everyday I beg for it, but all my pleas turn futile. I wake up everyday wishing I didn't."
By the time I'm done, a tear slips from my eye and I clean it quickly with the back of my palm and look up to him, catching his eyes watching me closely.
"Long ago," he sighs and gets up, walking to the window with both hands in his pockets, "I felt the same way. I wanted to end it all but then, I couldn't even if I tried. I decided to live and feel as much pain and vengeance as the universe would grant me. I hated myself each passing day until a fateful one came, when I realised how much energy I put into making myself suffer. I realised it was just me being selfish. I thought if I felt enough pain, enough hurt, enough torment, then it'd be even. My crime wouldn't be so fatal, my guilt wouldn't be so strong anymore. That's when it ended." He pauses and looks at me before continuing, "I can't forget. It's engraved in my memory and I lived with the pain and the guilt. But I lived." He smiles and I almost forget how he nearly killed me.
He seems to have been through more than I thought. Whatever incident he's referring to must be the cause of his nightmares, but why he reacted that drastically when I only wanted to help was beyond my comprehension.
"Today, when you-,"
"Yesterday,-" he cuts me off, "you were out the whole day and night." The days seem really confusing lately I don't even want to understand it.
"Right." I continue, "you almost killed me, just because I saw-"
"Nothing," He cuts me off sternly, and sharply.
"Crystal you saw nothing. Never forget that." By the tone of his voice and sudden change in countenance, I nod in obedience and look away, losing whatever confidence I had.
"Eat alot of food and rest, there's another meeting today. I'll come pick you up." He disappears before I say anything and food appears on my table. Lots of food and fruits. From a big bowl of Cobb salad to a whole grilled chicken to a really delicious looking apple pie, then sliced apples, pineapples, watermelon, milk, orange juice. It was like a mini feast.
My mouth waters and I smile lightly. How could someone have so many personalities all at once. One second he's overly cute the next he's like a raging beast and before you know it, he's indecipherable.
Quickly, I open my drawer and find the locket safely in it. Releasing a breath of relief, thankful he didn't find it, I open it and read the words again.
'Deep in the pain that is felt,
There you shall find help.
Obedience is key,
But forget not to live.'
I'm suddenly reminded of Sean's words, how even with the pain and guilt, he lived.
I know there's a difference between being alive and living. Right now, I'm alive but far from living. I'm like a walking dead. I wronged Dylan, broke my promises to him and did the unthinkable.
I'm reminded each night of my actions and I doubt I'd ever be able to forget nor stop loving him but like Sean said, death's the easy way out. I should live with the haunting memories and stabbing guilt. I should live for Dylan. I'll live. I will.
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