Bab 3: Chapter 3

Joffrey Stark was a stillborn. He had his father's hair and looked a lot like Jon Snow. Cersei didn't know a human being could cry as much as she did. She remembered the pain, the agony of the birth. She recalled Old Nan's sad face. "I'm very sorry my lady." The old woman had said.

"Why isn't he crying? Why isn't Joffrey crying?" Myra tried to sooth her. "M'lady he's dead." Cersei yelled and cried. Eddard rushed in.

"He's dead my baby is dead. They killed him." She was hysterical with pain. She remembered the prophecy; three children all with golden shrouds." She cried and Eddard had to hold her.

"My lord we'll have to bury him before he starts to decompose." Maester Luwin said. Cersei cried. "NO."

"Let me hold him. Eddard please let me hold him." Her lord husband nodded.

Joffrey looked as if he was sleeping but he was dead, he never breathed, not one single breath. She cried for weeks, her body was the cruel reminder that she had given birth but her baby was dead.

Tywin sent a letter with his condolences and also urged her to try for another child as soon as she was able. The queen had given birth to a girl Myrcella was her name.

Cersei tried again, this time she carried the baby until her fifth month. She woke up to bloody sheets and yelled for Myra her handmaid. The child was a dwarf girl. Cersei didn't recover from the ordeal and almost gave up on the idea of another child. Her lord husband tried to comfort her but she was a lioness of Casterly Rock. She didn't need to be comforted.

They tried again. Maeter Luwin advised her against it but Cersei had to give Eddard an heir. Her father sent her another letter on the importance of holding the North. He knew about Jon Snow, the only one besides Howland Reed who had sent the letter to Eddard. Sometimes Cersei prayed that the bastard died. She conceived again but this time the miscarriage was too soon. She was about to tell Eddard the news when she felt as if her moon blood was upon her. Cersei cried that night; she cried and shut the doors of her quarters so no one could hear her cries.

Her body ached, she was thirsty and Myra wouldn't come not even after she shouted. Her breasts were swollen with milk, a reminder of her failed pregnancies. Maester Luwin told her that she should wait a year before getting pregnant again. He thought her body wasn't built to withstand pregnancies easily. She forbade him to speak to Eddard about her latest failure but she knew that the old man wouldn't heed her orders.

She stepped away from the bed and went to the kitchens. Myra, that useless girl forgot to leave fresh water for her. She was dying for some water. She grabbed a candle and descended to the cold kitchens. The place was empty. Cersei had her fill of water when she heard the cries. She followed them to an adjoining room to the servant's quarters. Jon Snow wailed about in his wooden crib. The wet nurse was nowhere in sight. Cersei's breasts started leaking, a reaction to the baby's cries no doubt. The baby was small, a scrawny thing, he looked sickly in her eyes. This bastard couldn't be older than eight months. She could kill him, she could smother him and no one would know.

She found a pillow on the nurse's bed and came near the baby. Even if she never gave birth to a healthy child she wouldn't have to worry because there wouldn't be a bastard about to claim Winterfell. It would go to Benjen. She liked Benjen; he was a sweet lad but Benjen was a Crow. It wouldn't matter, he would renounce his oaths or someone else would be named warden of the North. She didn't care anymore.

She was about to smother the bastard when he opened his eyes and rubbed his eyes. She took a look at him. She remembered Joff's sweet face; she memorized every single aspect of it before maester Luwin took him from her arms. This boy was a Stark just like her Joff had been, dark hair, grey Stark eyes. His nose was different and maybe his ears but other than that. This baby was so alike her own. If Joff were to be alive he would be under seven months. He would probably look like this. Cersei dropped the pillow and picked Jon Snow.

The baby stopped crying and rooted for her teats. She cried and foolishly, very foolishly succumbed to her inner desires. She never knew how much she wanted to be a mother. It was the only thing she could do. This cold wasteland had nothing to offer her. Jon suckled at her teat. It hurt at first but then Jon opened his eyes and clutched the teat as if it had always been his to drink from.

"You are a hungry little pup." She sang to him and climbed the steps to her quarters. The nursery was in her room. The same nursery she prepared for Joffrey, this baby wasn't Joff, he wasn't even hers but he had no mother and she had no child. She thought about Maggy again. "Three dead children." She cried and touched the baby's cheek.

She changed his soiled small clothes after he was fed. He rooted for the teat again and she switched sides. Jon was a nice looking babe. He suckled strongly; she burped him and put him next to her. She closed her eyes for a few seconds, she was too tired, and Jon was finally asleep.

She woke up to bells ringing. The noise woke Jon up; she rubbed the sleep away from her eyes and stood up with the baby on her arms. Jon rooted for the nipple again. Cersei gave him the teat. He clutched. She could hear her lord husband's yells.

"I want the whole castle searched. Rodrick search the woods, Maester Luwin send a raven to town. I want my son back to his chambers before dawn is here."

"They're searching for you little pup." She whispered and held him to her. Cersei opened her door and walked down with the baby at her teat.

"I'm so sorry m'lord I only was gone for five seconds and the lad was gone. I saw a man climbing out the window." The nursemaid cried.

"Liar." Cersei said as she walked down.

"My Lady." The maester went to her side to unburden him of Jon. He tried but Cersei have him a flinty look.

"She was not in her room. I would give half of Casterly Rock and say she woke you less than thirty minutes ago. I have had Jon for hours in my chambers. He was starving, crying. Where were you wench?"

"M'lady I…" The nursemaid looked at her then at Lord Stark and at her again.

"You shall have your bed tonight but upon the morrow you shall be banished from Winterfell." Eddard did not look at the young woman. He kept his eyes trained on her and his son.

"All of you leave now." He said and everyone did his bidding without protest.

"Cersei I don't understand." Eddard was puzzled he came close to them as saw her nursing him.

"His mother is dead. Don't lie to me Eddard. Is she truly dead?"

"Yes." He replied.

"Who is his mother?" She asked. Jon opened his grey eyes.

"You are. You are his mother Cersei." Eddard said with as much fervor as she ever heard from his voice.

"But I am not. He didn't come from my womb. I didn't birth him, I can't." She said almost crying with sadness.

"He's alive because of you. Jon doesn't like wet-nurses' milk. That was the fifth one we hired for him this month. He drinks goat's milk. Maester Luwin and I don't know what to do."

She shook her head, "He's a bastard." She looked at the babe in her arms and brushed a stray curl from his forehead.

"Of course my lady." Eddard came close to her once more and tried to pry the baby from her breasts. Cersei tightened her hold.

"Joffrey is dead." She said while looking at her lord husband in the eyes.

"He is my lady." Eddard replied cautiously.

"Maester Luwin spoke with you." She stated, her voice cracking despite the efforts to appear strong in front of this stranger. Eddard Stark her husband of a year and a half remained a complete stranger to her.

She didn't know how he would react to his maester's news. She was deemed unsuitable; she understood the tone in old Luwin's soothing tones. Her womb couldn't carry and the only time it did it was a stillbirth. She would be sent back to the Rock, her father would be so disappointed. Cersei Lannister, proud lioness and daughter of the Rock, unfit to have children. A disgraced woman, how long until she was in the shadows of Aunt Genna or another Lady Lannister?

Eddard looked at her with his calm grey eyes. "My son needs his sleep. My lady?" He took the baby from her arms. Cersei felt bereft, cold and empty again. Jon was nestled in his father's arms. Eddard left her there with her right breast out. She trailed after him.

"Where are you taking him?" She asked while fixing her gown.

"To the kitchens. Old Nan would see to him for the rest of the night. You shan't concern yourself Lady Stark." Eddard replied as he walked to the servant quarters.

"No, he will cry. I know it so." As if on cue Jon let out a wail.

"You won't be able to hear him from your quarters my lady." Eddard said coldly.

He tried to sooth poor Jon but he only shook him too hard causing Jon to get scared. "Hand him over; you're hurting him." Cersei comforted Jon and was moving before Eddard realized her intentions. She climbed the steps briskly and she was back to her quarters with Jon safely ensconced in her gown. She placed Jon in the bed and washed him. "We shan't have you dirty Jon." The baby tried to grab her hair and giggled. Cersei couldn't help but laugh.