Bab 22: You and not you. There and not there.
Alice awakened in the night, about two days after the fire and explosion at the relay station shelter. She moaned and raised her upper body, holding her aching head.
This was not a bed on the rocking train. She was lying on a white mattress pulled over a stationary, clean bunk. Her clothes had been changed into her nightgown, and a blanket was draped over her body.
When she glanced to the side, she found Philrain sitting on a chair beside her, sighing in her sleep, her head swaying. There were ointments on her cheeks and arms, and bandages were wrapped around her.
She seemed to have suffered injuries.
While she was struggling to recollect what had happened, Alice felt another gut-wrenching pain in her head and fainted silently. She remembered being blown away by Humpty Dumpty. But from that point onwards, her memory was blank.
No way…
Have I killed that monster yet again?
She stared at her trembling hands outstretched. Her heart palpitated.
What am I?
I wonder if I'm a monster like them.
An inexplicable feeling of discomfort welled up in her, and Alice could not hold back the feeling of vomiting, so she reached for the jug of water on the bedside table. Immediately, a rainbow-colored "something" emerged from the fingertips of her outstretched right hand. It extended abnormally slow into the jug…
There was a metallic sound like a screeching noise.
Startled, she hurriedly retracted her hand. The sound woke Philrain, who widened her eyes and looked up.
"Angel!"
She was surprised when she called out. After a few moments of hesitation, Philrain smiled at the terrified look in her eyes.
"Good morning."
Her smile made her heartbeat, which had been hyperventilating, slowly subsided.
"Are you awake, Alice?"
Alice looked down at Raffi at the foot of the bed, sweat dripping from her forehead as she listened to the quiet footsteps.
"I…"
"You were unconscious after a battle with Humpty Dumpty. It's been some time since then. You have been asleep ever since."
"I… fought? That thing…?"
Alice parroted back and stiffened as she cast a glance at the table. The jug had been torn apart. It was lying in disarray, torn into eight pieces as if it had been sliced with some kind of edged blade. The water was dripping to the floor.
"This…"
"You have just done it. Retract your Bandersnatch, Alice. In your current state, it poses too much of a danger."
"Bander… snatch?"
Then Alice looked at her hands and froze, dazed again. There was something forming a coating over her body, like a membrane. When she examined it closely, she realized that the rainbow-colored fluctuation had enveloped her entire body.
With her hands, she made an attempt to grab the blanket. The rainbow-colored thing changed its shape and spread; a metallic sound was released. The blanket shattered where it made contact, scattering the synthetic fibers all around. Alice was stunned and frozen, but Raffi continued quietly.
"Bandersnatch is you, and it is not you. It seems to be there, but it's not there. It's an ambiguous entity. Unless you're aware of it, it doesn't belong to you."
"What are you talking about…"
"Compose yourself and listen to me quietly. Take a deep breath first."
Raffi told her, and Alice placed her trembling hands on her thighs, took a few breaths, and then exhaled.
After Raffi made sure of it, he said in a slow, calm voice. "There's a thing inside you that's like a 'fluctuation'… that we call the 'Bandersnatch'. Unfortunately, I don't know what that is. However, there is a Bandersnatch in you, Alice. That definition has never been disrupted."
"Is this… thing alive…?"
When Alice raised the question in a quivering voice, Raffi considered it for a moment before answering.
"Perhaps… it is alive."
"I have this monster within me, don't I…? This is what killed the Hatter and Humpty Dumpty, isn't it?"
Raffi shook his head as she spoke up in a small voice.
"Humpty Dumpty is still alive. For whatever reason, he saw you and escaped. He'll probably attack again."
Alice's mind had a flashback of an egg monster with a hideously ominous human skin stuck to it. Gritting her teeth and staring down, Alice's hair rustled and rainbow-colored fluctuation began to spread around her.
"Alice."
Raffi stopped her movement with a straightforward voice.
"This is the Fourth Shelter. A lot of people are taking refuge here. If you let the Bandersnatch loose with your emotions in that way, it will end up like the previous shelters, all in ruins. Is that what you want?"
"…"
Alice lifted her face, seeing Raffi and Philrain with a face that threatened to burst into tears.
"I thought you wanted to stop the demise of Apocrypha?" He said in a lonely small voice. "You did say that to me back then, didn't you? Alice. Have you forgotten that?"
"…"
She didn't understand Raffi's question. Although she didn't comprehend it, Alice let out a small breath when she heard his sorrowful voice.
Her chest throbbed with pain. Slowly, the rainbow-colored fluctuation returned to Alice from her mouth.
Grasping the shredded blanket in her hands, Alice pressed it to her face. It was terrifying. She couldn't make heads or tails of it. When Alice began to weep and sob, Philrain finally approached her and gently hugged her head.
"Calm down, Angel. Phil is here…"
"Why me…? Why do I have this thing inside me…?"
"You're wrong. To be exact…"
Just as Raffi said that much, there was a ding and the intercom rang.
"Are you awake, Alice? I heard you talking…"
It was Jack's voice. Alice's face brightened slightly when she recognized it.
"Jack!"
Status Power Mingguan
-- Peringkat
Power 
-- Power
stone