Bab 44: I was Right! In Your Face. Oh No, I was Right. This Isn't Good
I narrowed my eyes at the broadcast of Jar Jar Binks stopping the collapse of the Galactic Republic and ascending to the position of Supreme Chancellor.
Game recognizes game, Darth Jar Jar, and you looking mighty sus.
"Send word to Cad Bane." I growled, "He's to come to me for a job… in person."
"Why does a floppy eared stalk eyed goof becoming the Supreme Chancellor make you so cagey?" Jack asked me, "This is a good thing. With that dimwit in charge it will be way easier to rape and pillage the Republic."
"I am like eighty percent sure that he is a secret Sith Lord and fifty percent sure he is stronger than Palpatine." I answered as we sat on our throne.
"Sheev got the drop on you, unarmed by the way, and you still beat him to death." Jack reassured me, "If Binks is a Sith we'll fuck him up just like everyone else."
"I hope you know that because you said that, he is going to be a bitch and half to kill." I shook my head, "The Force has way more uses than are known in modern times, especially the Dark Side. Back in the day the Sith could drain entire planets of life. Now they get fucked up by a guy pissed off about his sandwich. Let's just hope Jar Jar is all about the new school, cause the old school is hardcore."
"Greetings, Archon Grunt." spoke the suave voice of Count Dooku, "It is undoubtedly good that even in these trying times we can speak to one another."
"I'll give you three guesses as to who killed your master." I said to the little holo projection of the Sith Lord.
"Guess: the Lizard Daddy." Asajj aided her master from out of the view point.
"Was it, huhm," Dooku sighed, "the Lizard Daddy."
"Right in one." I grinned, "I beat your master to death in my throne room, so now the puppet master behind booth the CIS and the Republic is gone and this stage play is about to turn into a real war. Seems like the perfect time to change mounts midstream."
"You mean to ally yourself with the Confederacy?" Count Dooku hid his surprise well.
"Shocking, I know, but it's true. It is a little bit harder for me to intimidate the Core Worlds than it is for me to cow the various mega corporations that form the backbone of the Confederacy. They aren't as well conditioned as people like Nute and Wat, who know exactly what I will do to them if they displease me."
"That seems like more a reason to deny you, than to embrace you." Dooku noted.
"True, but the only reason the Jedi and I aren't at each other's throats is because you have given them their traditional enemy to battle. If I ally with the Republic then after the war is won I am public enemy number one. Plus with your master dealt with there's a chance that we can make the Confederacy what it professes to be. A better alternative to the Republic." I responded.
"Then let me be the first to welcome the Hutt Empire to the Confederacy of Independent Systems." Dooku magnanimously allowed me to join his team in a war he is losing because of me.
If I were a werewolf, I'd be Benedict Arnold.
"Neat." I said then grinned widely, "Now let's talk dead Jedi, because I have a wonderful plan to get Order 66 initiated."
People were real busy in the months following that conversation, not me particularly but my subordinates had an absolutely hectic work schedule. Between smuggling CIS droids onto Coruscant for the attack on the Temple, getting Cad all the resources he needed to take the whole Senate hostage, and keeping the bribes flowing to make sure it all flew in under the radar, people from every level of my empire were working full capacity.
Jack and I mostly worked with fencing instructors on our swordplay. Despite my faith in my automatic slugthrower shotguns being able to take down any force user with ease, this is Star Wars. Some kind of Force bullshit will deliver my enemy from their rightly deserved death and it will be up to a sword fight to finish things.
As we built up our forces on Coruscant, the joining of the CIS and the Hutt Empire became public and our joint forces launched and as of yet unprecedented offensive, opening up as many theaters of war as possible to draw the strongest Jedi out of the Temple and into the midst of their clone armies. As the defenders in this war, the Jedi had to either meet us in battles of our choosing or allow us to brutalize the worlds we attacked. They predictably spread their forces as thinly as feasible to defend the worlds of most strategic importance.
Dooku, Ventress, Jack and I arrived on Coruscant the evening before a major vote on the invasion of privacy for Republic citizens. The Sith Master and Apprentice would lead the attack on the Temple and Jack and I would wait in reserve to reinforce either the Temple Assault or the Senate Hostage Crisis.
I finally had Dooku at my table for dinner, and it wasn't even a euphemism for eating him. Instead, we shared a lovely and luxurious meal and discussed the Force and the ideologies based in it. The man's mix of both high minded idealist and ruthless Sith Lord endeared him to me, and not just because of his linguistic skills. I respected a man of conviction. He saw a galaxy full of corruption and hypocrisy and set out to change it when no one else would. His only fault was in trusting the wrong man, and believing too fervently in the doctrine of the Sith.
By the time Asajj and Jack left our bed the next morning a breakfast of easy on the stomach foods waited for them. Afterwards we all prepared for a day of fighting on this overdeveloped world.
Jack and I donned our sealed phrik plate armor over cortosis weave arming suits. Our phrik shields and swords were coated in cortosis as well, enabling them to disable lightsabers completely. Add in the Mandalorian style jetpacks and limb mounted flame throwers, dart guns and vibroblades to our auto shotgun primary weapons and we were loaded for hunting the most dangerous game in the galaxy.
Much to the other's amusement I still insisted that it was the goofy gungan we all needed to worry about.
Then we waited, keeping abreast of Cad's occupation of the Senate building through the use of an audio device the mercenary carried. The violently capable duros had the floor plans, the electrical plans, the patrol routes and timings and roster as well as an entire company of commando droids. Basically he took over the whole Senate with the same ease he took a small political party in the show.
"Morning Senators," he spoke as he entered the Senate "Floor" alongside the army of commando droids and his team of killers who began strapping the various Senators into bomb vests.
Oh yeah. It will be raining blood soon.
"You should all consider yourselves to be in my power."
"As long as everyone behaves this will be quick and painless, do nothing and it will all be over soon."
Cad took a floating platform up alongside of Supreme Chancellor Binks and revealed the detonator.
"Chancellor, you are going to enact an order laid down by your predecessor or I am going to press this bright red button. Order Sixty Six, to be precise."
"Meesa, is no fool." Jar Jar announced, "To give into the demands of terrorists is to give up on the Republic itself. With that in mind, this is the Supreme Chancellor Jar Jar Binks to the Grand Army of the Republic. Initiate Order Sixty Six!"
"That was easier that I…Akk." Cad choked and gasped until he died.
"One thousand years of schemes and planning. Almost lost. Had to do it meesaself. Disgraceful. Bye bye Senators."
The recording device delivered the sounds of dozens of bomb vests detonating and the commandos opening fire on the other Senators.
"Meesa will be on the roof. Come find meesa, if yousa dare. Good thing meesa wore the stretchy pants today."
"I fucking told you." I stood up and shot my fist into the air for all the brothers and sisters who knew Jar Jar was sus as fuck but Lucas was too scared to make the right call and have Darth Jar Jar take center stage.
"None of you believed me, but I fucking called it. Darth mother fucking Jar Jar!" I really shouldn't be excited for this, but I am.
A letter of challenge was sent, Cad's body the messenger.
"I feel…" Dooku found himself unable to properly word his emotions at this reveal, "I feel very feel."
"Damn right." I nodded, "Now you two pull your jaws off the floor and invade the temple. Jack and I have a challenge to meet."
Using our jet packs, Jack and I flew to the top of the Senate building and found the newly revealed and long time speculated Dark Lord of the Sith shirtless and with a pair of wide and long crescent moon black metal sabers in his hands.
Jack and I touched down roughly thirty meters away from him and pointed our shotguns at the skinny gungan.
"Meesa glad you came, didn't think yousa would. Meesa very glad because MEESA GOING TO KICK YOUR ASSES!"
During his final line the gungan grew and entire meter and added over two hundred kilos of pure contractile tissue to his body. His skin darkened and became more akin to leather as his facial features hardened. He looked sick as fuck.
He charged us with incredible speed but ran right into our full spray of shotgun shells. Despite this and the obviousness of the holes we tore into him, he did not bleed and his body pulled itself back together tightly, not healing from the damage, but using the Force to press his body together as if the damage never happened.
"Well fuck. That didn't work." Jack cursed as the gungan smiled and we expanded our shields and drew our swords.
I am pretty sure we can all hear Duel of the Fates starting up.
Jar Jar closed the remaining distance in the blink of an eye and when his highly polished saber hit my shield I actually felt the weight of a truck striking me, trying to dislodge me from the roof. My mass combined with an impact absorbing layer of my arming suit prevented it, but damn. Respect homie.
Jack ignited into blue biotic flames, both increasing her force output and shunting incoming force with the same ingenious mass effect manipulation. She bore this second strike without so much as a Grunt and launched a lift field which the insanely agile giant danced around before reengaging.
The gungan moved like a tornado of blades and fended off both of us as we attempted to defeat him from two opposite sides. When one of his swords connected to my head, one of the six cameras that allow me to see out of the completely enclosed helmets was destroyed, and during the brief window where he connected to my head I cut through one of his legs which pulled itself back on even as my sword passed through it.
Kentaro, I need you to come tell this asshole he is already dead so he can blow up and this fight can be over.
I had to pin this asshat so that he can't dodge, a tall order considering his reaction time allowed him to jump away from Jack's Stasis fields, the fastest traveling of her abilities.
When he failed to bat aside my thrust I knew I had him. My blade bit deeply into his chest and I twisted it for all it was worth, but the bastard in a feet of flexibility and speed kicked off my chest and slashed another of my camera lenses before Jack's Stasis field expanded.
I once argued that using a virtual reality headset and an enclosed helmet with six camera's creating an overlapping field of view would be the ultimate in head protection. The guy I was arguing with stated that then an enemy just has to destroy the camera's and you are blind. Stupid argument I said, because he'd only have to hit two eyes to do the same otherwise and if someone hits you in the head six times hard enough to break your military grade cameras, you have bigger problems than your helmet system breaking down, like the guy who is so much better than you he just broke your ridiculously redundant helmet system.
Now I am the guy with that problem and Jar Jar mother fucking Binks is the baddy dropping the hammer on my weak ass.
Rather than play a losing game, I maneuvered over to Jack and collapsed my shield allowing me to launch two streams of pressurized jelly propelled flames in a sweeping fans that covered over a hundred meters both above and around the Sith.
Despite jumping back at incredible speed the Sith Lord could not cover the hundred meters faster than my high powered flame throwers and his legs were coated in the liquid flames. He used the force to push the flames off of him, but extensive damage was already done. He may be able to pull his body together so well using the Force that he was completely immune to piercing, slashing, and impact attacks, but if the tissue was burned it didn't matter if he could pull himself together.
Like all great Sith who's gimmick has been beaten, Jar Jar ran like a bitch on his heavily injured legs. Too bad for him we have jetpacks and are quite creative in our field of fire traps.
Before long Jar Jar looked like Anakin after Obi got through with him in the third film.
"Yousa wouldn't be willing to let a guy go get an envirosuit to help with these burns, would yousa?" The gungan Sith coughed out, "Definitely going to need a breathing apparatus."
"Fuck no." Jack answered and trapped him in a singularity, causing the Force ability keeping Jar Jar together to fail and the gungan to instantly die.
"Damn that guy was a sick fight." I complimented our defeated foe.
"Hell yeah." She agreed, "Even with all the redundancy you are always harping on about, he nearly blinded us."
"Don't make fun of my redundancy." I barked at her, "It's xenophobic."
"Nice." She grinned under her helmet about my krogan joke.
All of a sudden a black specter with red glowing eyes shot out of Jar Jar's corpse and tried to strangle me.
"Holy shit, it's a ghost!" I struggled against the absurdly strong spirit, "The power of Christ compels you bitch!"
The ghost actually flinched back in pain.
"Ah, the power of Christ compels you!" I shouted again and the ghost shrieked in pain.
"Is this really happening?" Jack stated her shock and joined in on the chant.
A few more power of Christ chants and the specter exploded like Sauron after his fingers got cut off, knocking us on our asses with the power of our victory.
As we got up Jack panted, "Did Jesus just save us?"
"Yes Jack. Jesus Christ is our Savior." I answered.
"But why would he save us?" She asked, knowing that we were really the last people that deserved salvation.
"He gave his life for everyone, Jack. Even us." I told her.
"Isn't he kind of a lame god though?" Jack inquired.
"He was a carpenter for like twenty years before power tools were invented, so he was probably swole as fuck." I refuted.
"I can get behind a buff Jesus." Jack nodded.
"He also had flaming eyes and a sword for a tongue." I informed my wife.
"No way. That's metal as hell. How the fuck did they nail him to a cross if he has fire eyes and a sword tongue?" Jack questioned.
"It was all according to Keikaku." I said as we walked to our extract off this world we just conducted a massive terror attack on.
PERTIMBANGAN PENCIPTA 
JManM
JManM I believe that this is the longest chapter to date at over 2700 words.
Darth Jar Jars powers were based on a mix of Darth Sion and Master Roshi. He was the undisputed master of fortifying the body with the force, allowing him ridiculous feets of speed and strength, but unlike Sion he wasn't just immune to death, instead he held his body together with the force until he could heal using bacta or kolto.
His only weakness was heat. He wasn't using the force to puppet a body, so burnt tissue would degrade his physical abilities. This is why he fights with Cortosis sabers, as it allows him to completely nuetralize one the most effective weapon systems against him.
In a galaxy full of lightsabers, blasters, and thermal detonators, Darth Jar Jar was content to masterfully manipulate people with his goofy persona.
He was one of the Sith who was more about destroying the Jedi than holding power, so he was fine going along with Grunts plan, but wanted to kill Jack and Grunt for derailing his plans for Palpatine.
He would have beaten them too if it wasn't for Grunt's obsession with redundancy and his love of fire based attacks.
As for the ghost at the end being beaten by Jesus, prepare for that to be a thing any time Grunt and Jack encounter ghosts. It makes me laugh, so it will remain even if no one likes it since I don't ever plan do any plots that revolve around ghosts. Though Jesus beating Voldemort would be dope. Sorry you gay old wizard, where you and your sorcery have failed the Lord has delivered an instant win.
And for those of you worried, Jack and Grunt won't be changing their behavior because of this. I am a Christian, but this isn't a tool for me to bring the masses to Jesus. Or maybe it is and you are all being sucked into an elaborate manipulation to love the Lord.
Peace, you filthy heathens.
Bab 45: Large and in Charge
As I replayed the footage of Anakin getting his legs blown off by a walker blast and thrown into a dark chasm of doom, I knew that nothing was over. He'd survive, the Force wouldn't let him die until there is an observer to confirm it.
Of course I wasn't afraid of the coming of the Chosen One, not at all. The Force doesn't affect me and Jack, so his plot armor is useless against us. With the loss of so much of his body mass, Anakin would never be pulling Star Destroyers down from the sky, and without Palpatine he wouldn't have access to a Sith Sorcery enhanced gimp suit that constantly fuels and amplifies his dark side powers.
Even if he gets the best prosthetics available all he'd be is a cripple Dark Jedi. And when he finds out we'd turned his precious Padme into a smear on the battle scarred Senate building he'd be a crippled and insane Dark Jedi. Significant power boost at the cost of any cleverness. Young Anakin would lose himself to the Dark Side and come straight at me like a bull at a matador. After all, the great Patriarch teaches us, 'Kill the family and he will come at you stupid.'
Dooku agreed with me on Skywalker's survival, and wanted to send Grievous to hunt him down, but I knew better than to send a prized attack dog after a man protected by fate. The sadistic cyborg would be far better utilized pursuing the other Jedi that survived Order Sixty Six.
With the quick refreshment that watching Anakin blow up always gave me I got back to my day job of running the galaxy.
When Jack and I formed a secret oligarchy with Dooku and Ventress to control the CIS, I hadn't expected them to all dump me with all the responsibility and power and fuck off to do their own shit.
Dooku and Ventress spent all their free time exploring the various holocrons and histories the Jedi had collected over the years, both chasing personal power like true Sith, with Dooku making public appearances the keep up the façade that he was still the head of state, and Ventress spent time training all the children they'd taken from the Jedi Temple. Children that now lived in Grunt's Mega Fortress. How my home got turned into a Dark Side kindergarten is an interesting story. Ventress needed a secure place to stash all the kids she kidnapped and smooth lizard dick, and my house is the only place in the galaxy where the best in both classes can be found.
All this exposure to kids might make me a better father if I ever get back to my home dimension. It will be tough to jump over the high bar I set after turning thousands of my children into emotionless slaves so they could serve as disposable troops against a race of machine gods and their vast armies of cyborg zombies.
Gaining levels in fatherhood via osmosis sounds like a thing. I suspect it's the reason why World's Greatest Dad mugs have stopped exploding in my presence.
I took another sip of a wonderful adult beverage, the glowing purple liquid warmed my body in a way I haven't felt in years and I greatly appreciated that it killed anyone without a constitution on par with a hutt's. Hell it would even kill the weak hutts like my Uncle Ziro. In one glass this liquor both got me drunk and established my dominance. Glorious.
Some might view drinking while managing a government that spanned the sea of stars as grossly negligent, but like the great Tsunade Senju, I kept it in moderation during business hours.
God I hope I one day find a way to get to the Naruto verse. I don't care if I have to adopt Naruto and Sasuke and raise those ass monkeys into responsible reasonable adults if it gets my dong on those willing titties.
You know that running trope about people in positions of power losing their shit because of the paperwork? They should have taken over via the powers of evil, cause no one sends me trifling shit to handle. The Hutt Empire exists to serve the hutts, I set the course and a series of terrified minions and slaves make it happen. Who knew being a totalitarian dictator was so easy.
As for the CIS, Independent Systems is two thirds of the name. The member systems try their best to govern independently and I mostly manage intersystem disputes and commerce, and honestly most of that shit gets handled amicably all of a sudden when I email people to come to Tatooine so I can mediate the problem.
Circulating that video of Nute and Wat is the gift that keeps on giving.
Who could have guessed that one of my best life choices would involve stiff rancor cock?
The war against the Republic had turned the difficulty down to easy mode following the Shattering, as our attack on Coruscant had been dubbed. With the Jedi Order mostly massacred, the clone armies were routed swiftly by the weight of our droids. Even without the Chancellor and the Senate the clones fought fiercely to defend what was left of the Republic. They just didn't have space wizards to pull off impossible tactics at vital times, and though largely superior in terms of skill, they couldn't conventionally defeat us. Especially with new systems surrendering to us constantly.
While the CIS worked on securing territory in the galactic rims, the Hutt Empire had turned our former pirate, now privateer, forces on the Core Worlds. This generated a truly staggering amount of wealth for us.
A bunch of outlaws forming a crew to turn pirate is a life of meager reward and high risks unless a truly intelligent and driven individual manages to drag his fellows to riches, under the Hutts, piracy is organized and supported with excellent intel and becomes moderately profitable for reasonable risk. Raiding the Core Worlds was like opening a portal to the money dimension.
In the Outer Rim, if you aren't armed it's because you are a slave. In the Core owning guns outside of Law Enforcement is almost universally illegal.
The Core Worlds have known only peace and prosperity for a thousand years. They had every reason to be fat, complacent, and arrogant. While most of the galaxy is third world hell holes they have lived in sci-fi utopias for a millenia. From birth to death, for generations, so long as they lived within the law they experienced no hardship.
And I had unleashed the dogs from the edge of the galaxy onto them. Sure, they could still drown the CIS in money, but they had spent barely a percent of a percent of their GDP on their armed forces for so long that they didn't have the infrastructure in place to fight back against us. The amount of resistance my fighters hit in the Core amounted to a fetus trying to defend itself from a trip to Planned Parenthood.
Jesus once said, "To those who have, more will be given. And for those who have not, everything will be taken."
I had a near total monopoly on violence in the galaxy, and every day my wealth increased. Since the Core had no capacity to excerpt violence, I'd be taking everything from them.
The man had more than just a mad exorcist game, he also spoke mad facts.
Ice cold facts, but it wasn't like he was endorsing the statement, just saying this is both true and important.
Who knows, maybe when the people of the future look back on this time period they will know better than to let the state turn them into pussies. Nah, that would be having too much faith in people being able to think critically about this kind of war instead of emotionally. The Fall of the Republic and the chaos that came after it was too dark a topic for people to view it objectively as a natural conclusion to a system of spineless and corrupt flesh bags ceaselessly oppressing their hard as fuck neighbors.
Shit, the hutts figured that out just by example. We really are the most superior race in the galaxy.
When my work concluded I got back to my daily sword training, sure that Anakin would come for his revenge soon enough and that the Force would not be denied her sword duel.
PERTIMBANGAN PENCIPTA
JManM
JManM
One more chapter till we are finished with the prequels and moving on to Skyrim. Grunt will be gaining something in Skyrim that he as sorely missed.
We can return to Star Wars in other jumps or after Grunt gets to the MCU and learns how to use his dick like a sling ring.
If you want to support me and my family you can do so at
ko - fi . com / jmanm
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