Bab 31: 31. Animal

James held her body for a minute but it felt almost forever to him. She could smell his perfume also felt how warm his body. She didn't want this to end, felt a waste of this just one moment. She wanted more than this, something special and important.

Alice wanted to dig into him, a couple of days or months wouldn't be enough for her. James was different, she couldn't understand what is happened in his heart. This was the right time for her to knew him more than before.

Like a rehearsal, they both standing on the empty stages. Together alone in the middle of the darkness, only one lamp highlights them. The rehearsal felt so real for Alice, she likes what she saw. Only it wouldn't be last longer and it'll be an end someday, the curtain almost closed and Alice didn't want it to be closed, not yet!

Does James felt the same way? James didn't sure about it, but yet he stood over there with her in his arm. He questioned himself, 'Why am I doing this? Is this something that I will regret letter?' For sure he wanted to make her tears stop first then he'll considering the next steps.

"Please, hold me longer like this," Alice sobbed.

James patted her head gently, "Alice… Not yet…"

'Not yet' he said. That just means one thing for Alice, the curtain will be closed. That's the end of this beautiful rehearsal. James moved her back away, he looked at her wet face. James didn't know how to say no without hurt her heart.

"Sorry, Alice…" James said it smoothly, "I'm not ready to be with anyone right now, if that what you want then I'm sorry."

Alice couldn't look James in the eyes. She felt like a total idiot who rushed into somebody right now. She parted her hair, it blocked her face. She wanted James to see her face and hoped that he would think differently.

"Alice, have you been in a serious relationship?" James asked with a small smile came from her face.

"No," She sniffed.

"I have and it's over. So I'm not ready to be involved with anyone right now, sorry."

"Is that the reason your smiles seem fake?" Alice questioned with her red face.

"What do you mean?"

She organized her breath, "You know what James? When I saw you smiled, it feels fake and unnatural. Just one time that I saw you smiled genuinely from your heart, and I wanted to see it again."

No words came from his mouth, he frowned his head. Had no idea what to say, he thought she was right. This afternoon felt surreal, he laughed so hard after a long time. The first time since he broke up with Christy he could feel a little happiness again. So it made his mood a little bit brighter.

Alice was a special case, in his heart, he wanted her too. In a very different way, he wanted her to make him smile and laughed. That's it! He didn't want more than that. He couldn't give what she wants.

"Sorry, Alice… I can't give you the answer right now,"

Alice nodded and stood with no more words come from her mouth. She already wanted to cry again and questioned why she cried in the first place. Alice was full of emotion, she felt want to explode because of it.

"Here, c'mon I'll walk you home,"

James couldn't leave her alone on the empty side of the road. He grabbed her shoulder and guide her walks home. He wasn't sure if this is the right thing to do. He didn't sure about how things will going with this woman. All he could tell is he wouldn't force his feeling on her cause it wouldn't be fair to both of them.

After a short silenced walk, they back at her place, and the party still on. Her eyes still red and James knew it. He wiped her face, to make sure she's fine. It killed her, every time he touched her it felt amazing also hurt like hell.

'Can you stop it? It's not fair when you touch me but I can't have it. It's not fair,' Alice smiled faintly. Her heart was wounded by an unfinished question, that's the irony. The most liked and loved person always gave the most hurt and deadly pain in our life.

"See you tomorrow then," James should walk a long way home.

"Would you give me a call sometimes?"

"Sure, I'll keep in touch,"

He gave her the charming smile and go away. Disappear in the darkness, he walked away from the place where she stands. He was considering a lot of thought in his journey back home. All he got just one pack of cigars and light it up while walking through the sleeping city.

Things got complicated with Christy and now he should deal with another problem. He loved every second with Alice but he didn't sure his heart is moved. It still there crying alone, it wasn't ready to hurt again. So did James, he didn't want to say anymore.

He walked an hour till back at his empty apartment. He realized he should back to the routine tomorrow, teach a class, and met the person that he avoids the most. It didn't feel like him lately, he never imagines himself to be on the routine.

He opened a wine and drink it. He stared outside straight to the moon, it the same moon that he stared at Alice party. Felt the same, empty and lonely. The difference was no one talking some crap and bullshit around him.

James starts to wonder why he came to the party. Does Alice he wanted to see? No! Does the crowd that he missed? No! 'Why did I go over there, to the place that I didn't enjoy at all?' He figured it out while sipping his gift wine from the premiere of his movie, and a cigarette in the other hand.

Until he realized what he wanted to find over there, he wanted people to fill his empty side of him. He wanted to get rid of Christy, and he just used all of them with no other feelings or intention. He was craving for some feelings, brutally. He looked for a nice situation and feelings but he never thought about what they need.

He looked for comfort but make the other uncomfortable. He looked for loved but break other hearts. He realized humans can be animals, eat whatever they wanted just to make sure they're not hungry anymore. It just like an animal, they killed to be lived. He became one of them, he never felt a special feeling with her, and he just used her as a person who filled his emptiness. Not as a person who shared their thought and happiness.

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