The Multiverse Shits Itself With The Imperial Fam-Squad(SAO Abridged)
Auteur: InterPlanarGod© WebNovel
Chapitre 1: The Ill-Advised Summoning of Literal chaos
The world dissolved into a chaotic landscape of crumbling polygons and fractured code. I held Asuna close, our lips locked in a desperate kiss, a fleeting prayer for a shared future in the real world. But instead of the almost-familiar-and-not-quite-new sensation of logging out, a crushing weight slammed into us, a wave of agonizing pain engulfing my senses.
Then, darkness.
When I opened my eyes, the scene before me was bewildering, to say the least. Gone were the familiar digital landscapes of Aincrad. In its place, a grand, opulent hall, filled with people in elaborate robes and goddamn magic circle?
"Welcome, Heroes!" a pompous voice boomed, echoing through the hall. "You have been summoned to save our world!"
Save the world? Summoned? My brain struggled to process the absurdity of all this asinine bullshit! Asuna, beside me, was radiating a similar aura of confused rage.
"Hold on, hold on," I interrupted, pushing past the initial shock. "Does anyone mind explaining what the hell is going on? Last I checked, I was about to escape a death game, not sign up for another one!"
A gaggle of robed figures, presumably priests of the idiot god, started babbling about prophecies and legendary weapons. Their explanations were a jumbled mess of fantasy tropes, each more ridiculous than the last. They pointed to three pedestals, each bearing a different weapon. A sword, a spear, a bow, and somehow entirely missing a fourth guy that had a plate strapped to his arm.
I swear this has got shenanigans written all over it.
"The Spear Hero is missing…" one of them muttered, a look of panic crossing his face. "And there are two Sword Heroes?"
My gaze flicked to Asuna, who was gripping her familiar +7 harrying rapier of slap-tastic stabbing with a white-knuckled intensity. "Two Sword Heroes?" I echoed, raising an eyebrow. "Seriously? Is this some kind of bad joke? Isn't it better to have two? What are you even talking about?!"
Asuna, never one to be outdone, chimed in, her voice dangerously low. "Yeah, and someone better see some kind of motherfucking manager before I cut someone, repeatedly, and fatally." She punctuated her threat with a flick of her wrist, causing her +7 harrying rapier of slap-tastic stabbing to shimmer menacingly.
The hall erupted in gasps and murmurs. The king sputtered, his face turning an interesting shade of purple. He stammered, "B-but- you are the Heroes! You are destined to save us!"
"Destined?" I scoffed. "That's rich. We just spent two years fighting for our lives in a death game, and now we're supposed to be thrilled about being dragged into another one? Get real."
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed another figure, a young man with messy hair and a shield strapped to his arm. He looked as bewildered as we were, if not more so. He tentatively tried to calm us down, "Hey, maybe we should just hear them out."
"Hear them out?" Asuna retorted, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "And listen to more of this poorly-written fantasy drivel? I'd rather shove this sword where the sun doesn't shine."
A fourth figure, armed with a bow, simply observed the scene with a detached fascination. He remained silent, his expression unreadable.
The priests, desperate to regain control of the situation, launched into a melodramatic plea for our help, his voice dripping with false sincerity. I couldn't help but roll my eyes.
"At least before I had hopes of electricity and television after leaving Aincrad," I laughed, my voice laced with sarcasm. "But, bitch, now I'm being abducted by absolute stupid!"
This was definitely not the logout screen I was expecting. And something told me this was just the beginning of a very, very long and incredibly frustrating journey that was supposed to be goddamn over!
—
With a sigh of resignation, I followed the gaggle of priests towards the throne room. Asuna trailed behind me, muttering a string of colorful curses under her breath. We'd reluctantly agreed to hear the king out, mostly because, well, what else were we going to do? We were stuck in this bizarre fantasy world, and information, even if delivered by a pompous, clueless monarch, was better than nothing.
"Shield-fellow McStupidface over there seems to be having a grand old time," Asuna commented, her voice dripping with sarcasm as she gestured towards the shield hero, who was being pointedly ignored by the king.
I glanced at the shield hero. Yeah, he didn't seem to be enjoying this royal audience much. I could practically feel the waves of awkwardness radiating off of him.
"Don't worry, he'll probably get the hang of being the underdog protagonist eventually," I muttered back, my fingers twitching as I discreetly accessed the familiar interface of the Aincrad system. It was still there, thankfully, along with all of our stats and inventory. It seems we'd kept our level 100 stats, which was… well, frankly, ridiculous in this context. On top of that, we also had a new set of stats labeled "Sword Hero - Error." I had a feeling these weren't going to make things any less complicated.
I shot Asuna a quick message.
Kirito: Check your stats. Looks like we're still level 100, plus some bonus "Sword Hero" stuff.
Asuna's response was almost instantaneous.
Asuna: Yeah, saw that. This is going to be a cakewalk. And seriously, "Sword Hero - Error"? What kind of lazy coding is that?
I chuckled silently. Leave it to Asuna to find fault even with god-mode stats.
We reached the throne room, and the king, a portly man with a crown perched precariously on his head, greeted us with a wide, insincere smile. He completely bypassed the shield hero, focusing his attention solely on us and the bow hero.
"Ah, the Sword Heroes! And the Bow Hero! Welcome to Melromarc!" he boomed, his voice dripping with false enthusiasm.
He then launched into a lengthy speech, praising the bow hero's skills and completely ignoring the shield hero, who was now practically radiating resentment. I tuned out most of the king's rambling, focusing instead on subtly examining the room and its occupants. Asuna, beside me, was doing the same, her expression a mask of polite disinterest.
Asuna: This guy is such a tool. I bet he thinks we're going to fall for his pathetic attempts at flattery.
Kirito: Don't worry, I'm pretty sure we're both immune to stupid by now.
Asuna: Good. Because if he tries to pull any of that "turn me-woman-lady into a damsel in distress- monkey-brain-good!Durr!" crap, I'm going to shove my rapier so far up his ass that his eyeballs will have holes covered in his bullshit!
The king finally finished his speech, his face flushed with self-importance. He looked expectantly at us, clearly awaiting our expressions of gratitude and unwavering loyalty.
I met his gaze with a blank stare. "So, what now, you're going to reveal how much more stupid you are by further embarrassing yourself with a garbage speech that is even more garbage than your crown-covered hairstyle?" I asked, my voice devoid of any emotion except deadpan irritation.
The king blinked, clearly taken aback by my lack of enthusiasm.
The king, still reeling from my blunt question, stammered, "W-well, of course, you must choose your… companions! Brave heroes to join you on your quest!" He gestured towards a group of eager-looking adventurers, practically vibrating with the desire to be chosen by the legendary Sword Heroes of legendary legend.
I surveyed them with a critical eye. "No," I said flatly. "They're obviously spies sent to keep tabs on us. And their weapons… seriously? They're holding them wrong. What are they even doing here? Utter trash."
Asuna, beside me, snorted in agreement. "Yeah, we'll just party together," she declared, her arm linked with mine. "We're perfectly capable of handling things ourselves."
The king's smile faltered. "But… but you'll only get half the experience points if you go together!" he sputtered, his voice rising in panic. "And if you add a third hero, you'll only get twenty-five percent! And if all four of you…"
Asuna cut him off with a withering glare. "If I wanted to have a conversation with a squeaky rubber duck, I'd take a bath," she said, her voice dripping with disdain. "And since I wouldn't even want a goddamn squeaky rubber duck, I'd take a bath without one. So what good are you, Rubber-Duck King?"
The king's face flushed crimson. "Guards!" he roared, his voice trembling with rage. "Detain these insolent fools!"
A dozen heavily armored guards surged forward, swords drawn. Before they could even reach us, I moved. A blur of motion, a series of precise strikes, and the guards were sprawled on the floor, unconscious.
Asuna, momentarily surprised, narrowed her eyes at me. "Why didn't you let me handle that?" she demanded, her hand itching towards the hilt of her rapier.
"Because you were obviously about to kill them," I said calmly. "And I don't really want to be a party to murder, even if stupidity deserves reprisal."
Asuna shrugged, a flicker of amusement in her eyes. "Fine, fine. But next time, they're mine."
I turned towards the massive metal gates of the throne room. With a single, well-placed kick, I sent them flying inward, the sound echoing through the hall.
"Let's go," I said, taking Asuna's hand. "This place is giving me a headache."
We walked out of the throne room, ignoring the stunned silence of the court and the unconscious guards. The king, still speechless, could only watch as we disappeared into the bustling streets of the capital. We had a new world to explore, and frankly, I was more interested in finding a decent blacksmith than dealing with incompetent royalty and their moronic schemes. This was going to be interesting, to say the least.
Even if I don't goddamn want to be here and want to take a freaking shower, watch TV, and then play a video game that won't threaten to fry my brain.
État de l’alimentation hebdomadaire
-- Classement
Power Stone 
-- Power
stone