Chapter 11: Chapter 11
Ren
His lips on mine taste sweet, much like…honey. I pull him up against me for this last surge of unyielding desire. For years I have contained my feelings for him. Because I know why AJ isn't ready. His father, that man… I wish I could end him. There is nothing unnatural about same sex attraction. However AJ's father has him so instilled with fear of it that most days he refuses to even admit it to himself. When AJ starts casually commenting about his worthlessness I have to remind him how much he means to me. I could not resist my urges tonight. I force myself away from him. Remembering if I allow myself to get too wrapped up in this version of AJ, I'll lose myself and he'll break my heart just like he does to everyone else.
"We should go." I say "We do not want the girls to think we are standing them up."
AJ does not say anything, but he stares off at the ground. Finally, he reacts with a nod. I grab his duffel bag off the sidewalk where he had dropped it to put his hands in my hair. That kiss is enough to keep me up for weeks. AJ is the only one who has ever made me feel the desire, the need, to physically be close to a person. I hand him his bag and he grabs it, cautiously avoiding contact with my skin. He slings the duffel bag over his shoulder and the sheer, as AJ calls it, "swag" is enough to make me want to shove him up against that streetlight again. I stay back a few moments as he strides forward, Just to avoid being close to him. I will lose it if I smell his cologne. I let out a breath and walk behind him. I can sense his sadness and my lack of ability to grab him and hold him…it is killing me. I want him to be okay. I want him to be happy. He has endured much pain in his short lifetime. He is raising Jason and Millie on his own. He has gotten so caught up in taking care of them he leaves no time for anyone to take care of him. He refuses help from me, from anyone. He tells me it is a waste of time to help him. All of the trouble he gets into is just his coping method. His way of letting off steam. It is a strange way to release anger and frustration, but as long as it works for him, I am okay with his mischief.
I actually find it quite attractive…sometimes. Other times it is only worth a headache to me. His anger is dealt with, but his pain. His pure lack of happiness. I have not a single clue on how I can help him. He takes medication yes but… it seems to only work for a month or so before his dose needs to be increased and he only increases it after a suicide attempt. He tells me he will try and get better but instead falls into the same pattern of despair. He truly wants to try, for me, for his siblings but, he doesn't feel he deserves happiness. The fault of his mother and father. Also his own, causing all this trouble. People have assessed him. Given him a reputation. One he feels he can't escape. He used to be so full of laughter, before his mother started drinking. Before his father got fired. It's been years since I have heard a genuine laugh or seen a truly happy smile from AJ. I wish something could help. I have recommended counseling to him. It ended up as the only fight we had ever gotten into. He refused to speak to me for a month. He told me he 'didn't have the money, the time, or the care to do such a thing' I offered to pay for it and watch his siblings. He had spat on me and said "I don't need your filthy charity" with the most venom I have ever heard from him. After that encounter I had known not to bring up the subject unless I wanted to lose my only friend. The only friendship I have ever bothered to maintain. I wish something could make him feel joy. His art does, it helps tame some part of his misery. And he's so talented. He says he doesn't want to go to college, that it is useless to him. He doesn't want to be anything, he tells me. But I know, he wants to be a professional artist, his true aspiration is to go to school at the Academy of Art. The shrine in his underwear drawer should be enough evidence. I wish I could get him there. And I've tried to.
I've submitted countless pieces of his to the school along with and a long, well-explained essay about why they should accept someone with a large police record, horrible grades, anger issues, and immense talent. They never accept him. He deserves to go to his dream school. He deserves to have everything he wants. Because he truly is an amazing person. Talented, and sensitive, smart, loving, attractive, funny, charming, pure at heart, simple…. "Ren?" I shoot my eyes to AJ who is standing in front of me with a puzzled look on his handsome face.
"Yes AJ?"
"You okay man? You're like creepy quiet and you look high."
"High?" I ask him, my tone matching the look on his face. He takes a step towards me and looks in my eyes.
"Yeah dude, your eyes are glazed over and you're intensely zoning out on something that isn't there."
I take a moment to process his words and the smell of his cologne. My self-control is loosening.
"Oh."
Is all I say in response to him. I have to bite my lip to keep from jumping out and grabbing him. Has he gotten closer? Has it gotten hotter outside? I feel disoriented as I look into AJ's amazing green eyes.
"What is wrong with me?" I whisper under my breath.
"What?" AJ asks. He takes a step closer and puts his hand on my arm. "Dude, you look like you're about to fall over."
I feel like that as well. He steadies me up against the wall of the school building. When did we get here? AJ puts his hand on my forehead
"It doesn't feel like you have a fever. How do you feel?"
I look at him and his dazzling, cursed, beautiful green eyes
"Confused." I say. My eyes glued to his. My mind starts to clear.
"Oh." AJ begins "I think I know what's happening."
"Please AJ do share with the class." I say with a snarl. I very much dislike it when someone understands something before I do. He's keeping me steady up against the brick wall of our school, pinning one of my shoulders.
"You overloaded yourself, you were thinking about too much, too fast and trying to comprehend and contain your emotions. The same thing happened in summer camp before eighth grade when Jessica Travies kissed you while you were trying to figure out how to make that robot thing work. Remember?"
I do recall the young girl kissing me while I was set at working through the coding to make our instructor's bubble robot work.
"Yes, yes I remember."
I start to catch up with the world around him and I. Stars. Brisk, cold wind. School building. AJ's cologne. AJ's hand on me. AJ's eyes stricken with concern as he looks at me.
"I am fine."
I say to him. I step away from the wall, towards him. He doesn't let go of my shoulder. He keeps his eyes aligned with mine and I feel the intensity, the need from earlier. Another step towards him. He still doesn't move. I place my hand around his waist, I lean forward, slowly…and then.
"There they are!" calls a female voice from behind AJ. We jump apart seconds before Raven can realize what was about to happen.
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone