Chapter 20: Chapter 20.
"Ah, naturally." Lockhart smiled before he gave Harry and Lisa the quiz sheet before moving on.
"They're all about him." Lisa complained once Lockhart was out of earshot.
"Huh?" Harry said as he looked at the test."'What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favourite colour?'" Harry read with disbelief. "'What is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?' 'When is Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday and what would his ideal gift be?' What the fuck? I am no expert but I think even a five year old could tell that this has nothing to do with defence against the dark arts."
"I know, this is ridiculous." Lisa sighed.
"Fuck it, might as well have fun with this." Harry said as he began answering the questions. "Finally being able to do a push up," Harry whispered to himself as he answered the first question. "Nobody cares," Harry wrote for the second. "people who like him." Harry added for the third. Lisa smirked as she realised what Harry was doing and joined him.
'How many times has Gilderoy Lockhart won Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award?' Harry wrote zero while Lisa wrote minus five.
'In his book Break with a Banshee, how did Gilderoy Lockhart bravely banish the Bandon Banshee?' Harry wrote 'flashed her with his teeth' as Lisa wrote 'talked her to death'.
'Which is Gilderoy Lockhart's best side for photographs?' Harry and Lisa both wrote 'trick question, he doesn't have one.'
'Has Gilderoy Lockhart ever won the Dunstable Duelling Championship for wizards or just been pipped at the post?' Harry and Lisa once again wrote the same thing, this time it was 'who cares?'
'Which product does Gilderoy Lockhart use to clean his teeth with to achieve his famous dazzling white smile?' Harry answered with 'bat guano' while Lisa wrote 'special smokers tooth paste'.
'Which is the name of the person who Gilderoy Lockhart has given his broomstick?' Lisa wrote 'owner of the pawn shop' while Harry wrote 'his husband'
"Tut, tut – hardly any of you remembered that my favourite colour is lilac. I say so in Year with a Yeti. And a few of you need to read Wanderings with Werewolves more carefully – I clearly state in chapter twelve that my ideal birthday gift would be harmony between all magic and non-magic peoples – though I wouldn't say no to a large bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhisky!" Lockhart said as he continued looking through the tests. His face suddenly turned into a confused one, then shifted to angry which caused Harry to believe that he finally got around to his test or maybe Lisa's. "Of course there are always a few jealous people." Lockhart muttered to himself before his face returned to a smiling one. "But Miss Hermione Granger, knew my secret ambition is to rid the world of evil, while marketing my own hair care products. Good." Lockhart winked at Hermione who looked ready to faint with joy.
"Oh great, our new teacher's a pedophile." Harry groaned into his hand.
"Nah, probably just an idiot." Lisa whispered with Loki nodding in agreement.
"Now," Lockhart continued. "perhaps if you'd all like then we can act out a few scenes from the book. Now I just need a volunteer, hmm, ah yes, I have the perfect one. Mr Potter, come to the front."
"What?" Harry blinked, an action that Loki copied.
"Come up to the front, you can help me act out this scene" Lockhart smiled at Harry, unaware of how much Harry really didn't want to come up.
"I'd rather not." Harry said honestly.
"Nonsense, come up to the front." Lockhart insisted.
"Fine," Harry rolled his eyes. "look after Loki please." Harry said to Lisa as he handed Loki to her. Harry walked to the front and stood right alongside Lockhart.
"Now, do you all remember chapter 23 in Wanderings with Werewolves? Me and Mr Potter are now going to act out the battle between me and the werewolf." Lockhart said as he pulled out his wand. "Now Mr Potter, you are to attack me."
"You...want...me to attack you?" Harry raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure?"
"Definitely, don't worry Mr Potter. I have fought werewolves and vampires, I am sure there is nothing you can do that will hurt me." Lockhart said confidently.
"If you're sure." Harry shrugged. Lockhart soon found himself taken by surprise when Harry's right foot struck him in-between his legs, all of the class gasped as Lockhart let out a very unmanly squeal and fell to his knees. "Toss my book Lisa." Harry said, Lisa blinked before tossing Harry his book. "Thanks." Harry said before he slapped Lockhart across the face with it, causing the man fall on his back. One hand between his legs while the other was on his nose. "Was that alright sir? Sir?" Harry asked, Lockhart's only response was a groan.
"You hurt him!" Hermione shouted.
"Yeah but the bloke apparently fought vampires, ghouls and werewolves, I should not have been able to actually do anything to him. I'm only twelve!" Harry protested.
"That...that was...that was good Mr Potter." Lockhart said in a strained voice as he tried to stand up, Harry offered him a hand and helped him up. "Thank you, perhaps you should go back to your seat."
"If you're sure sir." Harry said before returning to his seat.
"Now," Lockhart said as he shifted his legs and wiped some blood off on his sleeve. "be warned, it's my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to wizard kind, you may find yourself facing your worst fears in this room. Know only, that no harm can befall you, whilst I am here. I must ask you not to scream, it might provoke them!" Lockhart dramatically lifted a cloth off a cage, revealing a cage full of pixies. The pixies were electric blue and about eight inches high, with pointed faces and voices so shrill it was like listening to a lot of budgies arguing.
"Cornish Pixies?" Seamus Finnegan laughed
"Freshly caught Cornish pixies" Lockhart corrected "laugh if you will Mr Finnegan but Pixies can be devilishly tricky little blighters. Let's see what you make of them."
"Um sir," Harry raised a hand. "are you really sure that letting them out is the best or even safest thing to do?"
"Do not worry Mr Potter, you will be perfectly fine. I am here after all." Lockhart grinned before he opened the cage, allowing the pixies to fly out.
All of a sudden the classroom was in chaos, the pixies flew around and began damaging everything. They ripped books, pulled hair, threw whatever they could. Neville ended up dangling from a chandelier after the pixies painfully dragged him up by his ears.
"Tactical retreat." Harry said to Lisa before he picked up Loki, Harry ran out of the classroom with Lisa following after him.
"Do you think we should have stayed and helped?" Lisa asked Harry. The two Ravenclaws, along with Loki, adopted a thoughtful pose. They thought really hard about it, for about ten seconds.
"Nah." They both said as Loki shook his head.
"By the way what the hell was up with all those girls?" Harry asked as he and Lisa began walking. "They all looked like they were about to faint."
"Oh, they all have a crush on him because Lockhart is all rich and famous and supposedly done all of those good things he has said he did in his story books."
"Bollocks," Harry shook his head. "no way in hell that guy did half the stuff he claims."
"I know, my parents made sure I could always tell the difference between genuine and fake."
"Let me guess, crucial for rich people."
"Crucial for everyone." Lisa replied. "But my parents made sure to put an emphasis on it."
"That doesn't sound fun," Harry frowned before he shifted to a smile. "come on let's go do something fun."
"Like what?"
"You want to visit the kitchens?"
"The kitchens?"
"Yeah, free food, a ton of house elves that would love to feed us and we can just eat, chill and relax." Harry said, Loki clapped and nodded eagerly. "See Loki wants to go."
"Well if Loki wants." Lisa chuckled. "Let's go then."
"Ok Mr Potter," Professor Flitwick said as Harry sat opposite him. "let's try this again. You kicked Professor Lockhart in-between his legs?" Flitwick asked, he was currently spending his afternoon questioning various students on what happened in Lockhart's class, and he was starting with Harry.
"I did do that yes." Harry admitted while Loki, who was sat in his lap, nodded.
"You also slapped him in the face with a book, is that right?"
"Well...it's not wrong." Harry replied.
"And can I ask why you did that?" Professor Flitwick asked, raising an eyebrow.
"He told me to attack him." Harry answered.
"He told you to attack him?" Professor Flitwick repeated with a slightly disbelieving tone.
"He said he wanted to act out one part of his book, he told me to come to the front, I said I didn't want to but he made me come anyway. So then I am at the front of the class, then he tells me to attack him."
"I asked him if he was sure, he said that he had fought with real werewolves and vampires so nothing I could do would do anything. I figured fair enough, so I attacked him."
"By kicking him in-between the legs."
"It's a standard street fighting move." Harry replied. "Very effective as well, believe it or not."
"I believe you Mr Potter. And slapping him in the face with the book?"
"Step two to survive the street fight, step one is kick between the legs, step two is knock them down to the floor."
"What's step three?" Flitwick asked before he could stop himself.
"Punch the shit out of them, step four is stomp the groin and can be done before or after the person loses consciousness. All things considered I think I should be rewarded for managing to stop myself by step two."
"A debatable point Mr Potter, and one which we will debate never, so then what happened?"
"Well I took my seat, he then brought out a cage of Cornish pixies. He was about to let them out when I asked him if he was sure that was really the best or even safest thing to do, he basically said it would be fine since he was there. He let them out and then it was total chaos with the pixies flying everywhere and attacking and damaging anything they could get their little hands on.
"And then you ran out of the class along with everyone else right?"
"Yeah, pretty much." Harry nodded. "I mean, if you had to chose between safe hallways or chaotic classroom then.." Harry trailed off as his point was well made.
"I understand," Flitwick replied. "well that's all for now. You can leave, oh and good luck with the upcoming quidditch match."
"Thanks Professor." Harry grinned as Loki climbed on his shoulders.
"You are more than welcome Mr Potter, if you play like last year then I dare say that we will likely end up winning the quidditch cup just like last year. Between you and me, Professors Sprout and McGonagall are quite jealous that I have you on my team."
"What about Professor Snape?"
"Ah, well once again, between you and me..."
"Yeah?"
"He is still a git."
"Ah." Harry said in an understanding voice.
"Just be lucky that you are not the one who has to work with him. Now off you go and please call the next student on your way in.
"No problem Professor." Harry said as he stood up. "Say bye-bye Loki." Loki smiled and waved at Professor Flitwick.
"Bye Loki." Flitwick smiled as he waved back. "Oh and Mr Potter, is that a new watch?" Professor Flitwick asked as he gestured to the shiny watch on Harry's wrist
"Nah, old one sir." Harry fibbed. "See ya later sir." Harry said as he exited the Professor's classroom.
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