Chapter 9: Broken
Remember how I said I'll accept Xora's proposal with such confidence? Well now, you shouldn't take someone's each word and every word seriously when it comes to an emotional moment, nor should you take my words seriously even when I'm completely sane. That'll do you good in future. Yours and mine.
In truth, these emotional moments that get so overhyped because of fiction, are just people not being able to put their thoughts together to form a sentence that stays true to their feelings. It just becomes a way to show your ideal self in front of others, so they can think of you as highly as possible at the moment that should do the exact opposite.
My point is that, if not all humans, then I myself don't stay true to my feelings when I speak up. So that confident Leo who realised beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wanted Xorgasta, was just a lying fuckwit who didn't think for a moment before lying. Or you could say I was that lexiphanic soldier who thought the war was glorious, before actually stepping foot on the battlefield. Because that's what it truly felt like when I saw Xorgasta that day.
Thinking back on it, that talk with Lara was the epitome of cringe. What was I thinking while....while..... crying like a fucking child? Also what was that "this changes nothing"? I swear the writer was high on some rare type of heroine while writing. I'll be taking over now. This is my story after all and I'm going to destroy the cringe once and for all.
Xora looked down with a saddened expression when her eyes met mine. I felt a jolt of lightning shot through my body, exhilarating uncomfortness of the highest kind ran like a circuit ready to explode at any moment. Was she having regrets over the confession or the body-show? I hoped it was the latter.
She avoided eye contact, yet didn't move an inch. I could have stood there for a long time like before, but it wasn't a place for that. I had to muster up all the courage I could, and I did. I approached and spoke.
".......hi", I forced a smile.
"Hey", I wasn't the only one.
What now? I could not find a single word to say. Not wanting to stand still awkwardly for half an hour again, I searched for words of importance.
How come I could come up with such flowery prose on a whim, but couldn't find a single word for the opposite gender? Was I what they called a loser? No no no. I took over the writing process of my life, I cannot back down.
I looked at my surroundings for finding anything of interest. All I found was people talking. Their voice, inaudible.
I didn't need others to give me ideas about how to talk to a friend. I just had to talk about things she liked. But the only thing that I remember her talking about was romance novels. First of all, novels are boring and I cannot fathom the love for them. Second of all, romance was the last thing that'd have made her comfortable.
Come to think of it, I haven't seen Lara today. No, focus, I need focus. But her boyfriend was there, I certainly saw him. I couldn't mistake that face. Maybe she's ill. Have to check on her. For now though...
Trying to say anything resulted in my body feeling so powerless that I couldn't move a muscle. Thinking back on it, she must have had felt the same as we waited for a glorious amount of time while watching 5 students walking towards the main gate, a girl drawing a drawing from a magazine, students practising football and volleyball while jobless teachers strolled down, never minding the students' business, some flirting with fellow female staff while they avoided all of them as they already had husbands-not like any of them would give two shits about that, no wonder I hate teachers-the new building being made by hardworking workers and roadside fast food shop being more crowded than the college cafeteria, before Xora finally spoke.
"I'm sorry for the things I said at my place."
"Huh?", I thought back. Was any of it offensive? I wonder if anyone would remember any offensive remark before someone bombards them with a confession-also a naked body-but that's beside the point. For now, I wanted to make Xora feel better about that as she truly didn't say anything that could hurt me, "No, of course not."
"I knew it. I shouldn't have blamed you for anything.", Her eyes became filled with water that could overflow at any second.
"What the..? Why are you crying? Did I do something bad?", I got flustered. What wrong did I do?
"You said you won't forgive me, right?", Tears started flowing down. Oh heavens take me to hell. Fuck my memory. I didn't even remember what she asked. Someday this ignorance of mine will be my ruin.
"Noooooooo. I didn't mean that. I don't know what I meant, but it most certainly wasn't that.", I moved myself to stand in front of her so people couldn't easily tell if she was crying. Which wasn't exactly necessary as she wiped her face with a bottle of water from her bag. It camouflaged her tears, mixing them with water.
"Do you forgive me though? I know I don't deserve any but will you?"
"Yeah sure.", I still didn't know what it was though. "Let's....discuss the other thing now."
She avoided my eyes again.
I too couldn't look at her. But these things cannot be discussed without looking. I forced myself to look. I noticed she wasn't wearing her glasses. She was a beauty with water trickling down her face. I could.... Focus, you fuckwit. Focus.
"Why do you like me?", Great, I had to ask the dumbest thing anyone could ever ask.
"What's not to like?", I think she realized what she said was embarrassing, for she looked taken aback by her own words.
"So you like everything about me?"
"No, I didn't mean that."
The term 'giving chocolate to a kid, then snatching it back before slapping him' was the perfect way to describe it.
"So, what are the things you don't like about me?"
"......"
"You know it's better to learn about the negatives of a person before...", I couldn't say the word.
"......."
"Well let me start with the things I don't like about you.", I hoped this would be better than talking about the L word, "you...look like a creep sometimes. Even if you do it for shits and giggles, I'm still scared of you. Like, who the fuck keeps so much spoons inside their backpack?"
"I have my reasons, Leo. You shouldn't meddle with someone's private affairs. Privacy breach is wrong."
"Look who's talking. Who stalked me into my fucking bedroom?"
"You're high on something? That was you, dumbo."
"Yes, I was wrong for doing that. Maybe even horrible. Not even maybe, I was horrible. But who made me do it? Who stalked my private life? How did you even get into my apartment at night?"
"When in the God's name was I in your apartment? You were the one who came to mine. Also didn't I tell you how I learned all this from Lara?"
"Oh did you? I kinda forgot. I have the worst memory indeed. But I can never forget the fact that you showed your fucking body to me."
"I....", She pursed her lips. I could have sworn she had started crying if not for the water on her face being mixed with tears.
"I'm sorry for talking about that. But I honestly need to tell you that you don't ever need to show someone your body to attract them towards you. You're attractive as you are. Have some self-confidence will you?", It took me a moment to realise how I shamelessly said that without any embarrassment. It was humiliating.
I started praying to God, even though I was an atheist, why was I even an atheist? I didn't know. I don't intend to know. There was nothing to gain from fretting over it.
"Hah, never imagined you saying that. Aren't you usually the one with self-doubt?", She considered it a while, "I think you're right. I don't feel confident about myself too. I think everyone is like that at their core. Doubt is just an extension of the fear of the unknown. The unknown here being the perception of others about yourself."
"You're totally making excuses."
"Ahhhhh, fuck you, man."
"Hehe."
"Stop stealing my laugh."
"Tehehe"
"Stop stealing the laughs of other girls."
"Huehuehue."
"That's not even a laugh."
"Does it matter though?"
"It should. Because it's creepy."
"Not creepier than you though. Huehuehue."
She looked as if she had given up. Man, am I that annoying to deal with?
"What...", She tried asking me something but it became a murmur.
"What were you going to say?", I asked
"What...what do you...think of the thing I said?"
"I said it's fine. I didn't find anything offensive."
"No. I meant...the...", She took a deep breath before saying "confession".
It came to the inevitable. I wish it would have been delayed till I found a comfortable time to answer. But I know as well as anyone that the time will never come. So this was the end of it huh? I readied myself with a deep breath, imitating Xora, as I answered-
"No."
Huh? What? Why did I say no? Didn't I tell Lara that I intended to say yes? What's happening to me? It certainly isn't the bipolar disorder type self-doubt teenagers have about themselves. I'm contradicting my feelings without even intending on it.
I couldn't handle Xora's face. She was clearly crying right now, the red eyes were the proof. I said that I was taking over the writing process of my life. I have to keep the promise I did to myself.
"No. I'm not letting momentary feelings control my decisions. I may have been a careless fuck about my studies, my life choices, the friendships I gained and the ones I lost. But I will not be careless about this. So with all the care in the world that I could muster I'm giving you my honest answer.", I held her face and made her look at me, "I have been attracted to you since the day you had broken my back. But I don't know when was it that I started falling in love with you. Nor do I intend to know about the answer that does not exist, that should not exist. The only thing that exists is the knowledge that my love for you exists, here and now. Not future, not past, now, only now. And it's damn near impossible for me to suppress it anymore. In other words, my love for you is so immeasurable I gained the courage I never had to hold a girl in my hand and not be shaken to death. So immeasurable that I want to do something I never did. So immeasurable that I stopped having the fear of the unknown. Just the want to feel it for the first time exists. So immeasurable that I want to hold you tightly and kiss you. A kiss to last the end of time."
There was no going back. I had finally said it. Without stuttering even once, which amused me to no end. Suddenly the unwavering courage I spoke of weakened and my heart grew heavy with fear and anxiety about what was to follow. I gave it all up to fate.
Suddenly my hands moved closer to my face. I suddenly realised that it wasn't my hands that moved, but the person I was holding with them. I took a step back but a hand grabbed my neck in that old familiar way but more harshly this time.
"Weren't you the one who gave a long speech about wanting to kiss? Are you scared now? Hehe."
I could do nothing but close my eyes before I felt something soft and wet on my lips. The water ruined the taste of it mixed with the taste of lipstick. But all of that did not matter anymore after I felt arms embracing me behind my back, holding me like never intending to release. I put one of my arms around her waist, one on the beautiful blonde hair, pressing that soft thing to my lips more and more till there existed no part of her lips that didn't touch mine. I could live like this till the end of time.
My wish, however, would not be granted. As the world began to contort so violently that the fabric of reality literally broke. I writhed in agony as each cell in my body was utterly destroyed by some external entity I wasn't aware of. Xora's motionless figure faded out of existence. My heart was broken both metaphorically and literally. I could not decide which torment was more agonising: the physical one or the emotional one. Everything went completely dark. A darkness that made no place for light, but my own body was visible to me.
Time passed, never looking back at the agony that seemed to last an eternity. I lost all hope, along with my sanity, regained them and then lost them again. The cycle continued, no one came. I prayed till the end of prayers, no one came. I cried till the end of tear, no one came. I screamed till I could scream no more, no one came. No one will come. No one will ever come. I wanted to be here till the end of time. I was getting exactly what I asked for. It seemed like I was being fully reconstructed in a slow, meticulously orchestrated torturous process. Broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken.
After what seemed like an eternity, when the anguish had become so ingrained in me that I had forgotten it even existed, something happened again. I saw—the darkness that didn't allow any light in should have prevented me from seeing anything, not that seeing my own body makes any sense according to.....Edison? Wasn't it Newton? .....Who are these individuals? What makes me remember their names?—I noticed something. Something familiar. Reality is breaking, reality is breaking. The fabric of reality has been ripped yet again. The pain that was dormant became active once more, testing the absolute peak of human endurance. If I was still on earth—what is the earth?—My scream could have split the heavens.
A hand reached out from the crevices, which could only be described as darker than the darkest of darkness. The already insufferably immeasurably excruciating pain intensified as it took hold of me. My sanity was dangling on the weakest thread of the universe.
Broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken broken.
Everything finally came to an end, all of it, thrown deep into the pages of history as I was dragged into the unknown yet again. As times long gone, as times yet to come.
CREATORS' THOUGHTS 
Kiltarina_Sovaltos
Kiltarina_Sovaltos Inconsistent writing because of exams could be a good excuse but tbh I'm not sure I'll still be able to be consistent. I hope I can change that soon. Heavens take me to hell if I don't change.
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