Thinking Over
Author:© WebNovel
1. Thinking Over
Disclaimer: If it was mine, episode 4.11 would NOT have ended that way.
But because it did, I feel like I have to write this. I'm a bit of a mess right now. So this is my therapy.
Spoiler alert: If you haven't watched episode 4.11 yet, and you're planning to, you might not want to read this.
The song is in italics. It's called "Thinking Over" by Dana Glover.
I've been searching for a reason
And I'm running out of time
I can feel that it's the season
It's time to make up my mind
Meredith walked into her bedroom that evening. She looked pale. She looked shattered. Like there was no hope left. As if any trace of happiness had been taken away. It was over. But she didn't understand why. It was like it was happening in slow motion. Meredith wasn't even sure she'd fully comprehended what happened. It couldn't really be over could it? Was that even possible?
She crawled into bed next to Cristina, not even bothering to change her clothes. Meredith just stared at the ceiling, taking in shallow breaths.
Cristina looked over at her friend. "Hey, are you okay? You look sick", she said as she felt her forehead, checking to see if maybe she had a fever.
"Not sick. Just…I don't even know. I don't know what I am anymore", Meredith said with a sigh, trying her best to fight back the tears welling in her eyes.
"What happened today?", Cristina asked her, a genuine look of concern in her face. Cristina knew not to be snarky with her. There was something wrong with Meredith. Her person. The one that had been there for her in the past. She wanted to help. Usually Meredith got into bed and they would complain about their crappy days. Cristina would whine about Dr. Hahn. Meredith would share inappropriate details of her break up sex with Derek. Not tonight. Tonight, there was something wrong.
Meredith just shook her head and wiped away a tear that began to fall down her cheek.
And I can't really tell you what I'm gonna do
There are so many thoughts in my head
There are two roads to walk down and one road to choose
So I'm thinking over the things that you've said
Thinking over the things…
Cristina sat up and looked Meredith in her eyes. The green eyes that were usually bright. Expressive. Now they just look glassy, distant, pained.
"Okay. Look, we can sit here all night. Or you can just tell me what's wrong. Maybe I can help", Cristina told her, her voice stern, but still kind.
Meredith contemplated what Cristina had said. Why not just tell her? It didn't matter now anyway. "It's…over. And I don't…what do I do? This morning, he…he was sitting at my kitchen table, showing me house plans…and now…what the hell happened?", she said, as if wondering to herself.
I'm thinking over
Thinking over
Thinking over
The things that you've said
And I'm thinking over
Thinking over
Thinking over the things…
"Derek showed you house plans?", Cristina asked.
"Yeah. He had these blueprints spread out in front of me. Telling me about bedrooms. And backyards. And Victorian doors. He called in "my house." "Our house", she said, tears now free falling down her face.
"And what did you do?", Cristina asked, trying to process why Meredith was hysterically crying.
"I dropped an egg on the floor. Then I wiped it up. And then everybody came into the kitchen cause I made breakfast. And Derek put the house plans back into the cardboard tube", Meredith said, recalling every detail she could remember, as if trying to piece together where exactly things went wrong.
"You made breakfast?", Cristina asked her.
"I was trying. Making an effort with Lexie. Proving to myself that maybe I could be that person. The person that tries to reconcile with their stepsister. The person that cooks breakfast for her friends. The person that Derek wants to marry", Meredith confessed.
"Marry?", Cristina asked, somewhat shocked.
"Yeah. A few weeks ago…a few weeks ago he told me he wanted to marry me. Have kids with me. Build a house. He wants a lifetime. But…tonight I realized…it's not me he wants that lifetime with. It's whoever was willing to give him. Now. Not when I'm ready to give it to him. Now", she said, her voice cracking as more tears formed in her eyes. "He said he'd wait. And…he didn't."
Am I ready for forever?
Oh, God, show me a sign
'Cause if we're to be together
Then it's got to be divine
Cristina was silent for a minute, trying to think of something to say to her friend. "When was this exactly?", she asked. It was the only thing she could think to say to her.
Meredith shrugged. "I don't know. Four weeks ago?"
"And he's done. Done waiting. He gives you an ultimatum. And because you're not ready when it's convenient for him, he's moving on", Cristina asked, putting the puzzle pieces together.
And I can't really tell you what I'm gonna do
There are so many thoughts in my head
There are two roads to walk down and one road to choose
So I'm thinking over the things that you've said
Thinking over the things
"I just…I thought he noticed. He knows I was trying. I dealt with my mother. I'm trying to make it work with Lexie. I told him I didn't want him to date anybody but me. I'm doing everything I can to be…what he wants me to be. What the hell happened?", Meredith said softly. "And then I find out he's kissing nurses. He says I'm not ready for a relationship and he can't even be loyal. I…I love him enough not to do that to him. I know how much that hurts. Seeing him with Addison. That hurt me. I wouldn't do that to him, Cristina. I would never do that to him. So why did he do it to me?"
"I don't know", Cristina answered honestly. "You're right. It's not fair."
"It's not", she cried. "It's really not."
"Yeah", Cristina sighed, rubbing Meredith's arm in an attempt to comfort her.
"What makes it worse is that I had to find out from George. Derek shows up this morning with plans for our dream house. And he didn't even think to mention it. Not that it would have made it okay. But I…it would have been better to hear it from him. That's…its like when Addison showed up. Telling me herself…she told me they were married", Meredith said. "And he wonders why I have trouble trusting him."
"He said that?", Cristina asked.
"He told me I didn't trust anybody", Meredith said, pushing the hair out of her face.
"You trust me", Cristina told her. "If you didn't, you wouldn't be sitting here telling me any of this."
I'm thinking over
Thinking over
Thinking over
The things that you've said
And I'm thinking over
Thinking over
Thinking over the things…
"I was learning…learning to trust him. I feel like I was getting better. And then…he just…it's over", Meredith said, somewhat startled at her own revelation.
"It's not. Meredith, you know it's not. He can date the nurse. But, you know he loves you. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't have shown you house plans", Cristina reasoned. "He loves you, Meredith. And, for some reason, you love him too."
"I do love him", Meredith said as she began trembling, trying to take deep breaths. "I just…he has his future all planned out. Our future. He even had kids' bedrooms he wanted to build. For our kids, Cristina", Meredith said as she put her face in her hands. "I didn't even think I wanted kids. Or to ever get married. But when I met him, I just…I did. I do. I want to be happy. I want it. The happy ending. I want it to be with him. Why…why isn't this easier? Why can't we just be happy?", Meredith said with a whisper, tears running freely down her face.
He wants to marry me
Carry me far away
He wants to love me for life
He wants to be with me
Every morning I awake
He wants to hold me through the night
"I wish I had an answer to that", Cristina said softly. She had never seen Meredith more upset.
"And then, tonight. I was watching Bailey, just watching her look at her baby. And as I stood there, I realized I wanted that. I wanted to feel that love. That unconditional love you have for your child. I can't imagine that life without Derek in it. I don't know. I don't know what to think anymore", Meredith said, still crying.
"He wants that with you. Do you really think either of you would be happy with other people. Think about it, Mer. Do you really think Derek wants to move the nurse into the dream house? Or have kids with her? No. Yeah, the two of you have had your share of problems, which is probably an understatement. But, you've managed to find your way back to each other. Every time. I don't understand it. You don't understand it. It just…happens", Cristina told her. This was unlike Cristina's behavior. She was more insightful on their relationship than Meredith thought. It made sense though, considering Cristina had been there through it all.
Father, which way should I go?
I cannot clearly see
Oh, I love him so
But only you know if he's the one for me
"I just…I…was this my last chance? My last chance at the dream? I don't want to marry anybody else. I don't want get married yet, but when I do, I want it to be Derek. Is it?...am I too late?", Meredith asked her, beginning to sob again.
"No, you're not. It's not too late", Cristina said, pulling Meredith close to her, just letting her cry. At this moment, she didn't care if it constituted hugging. Meredith was her best friend. It was the only option.
Meredith just cried continuously for a while, Cristina sat there quietly, running her fingers through Meredith's hair. What else could she do? Finally, Meredith sat up, reaching for the box of tissues on her side table.
Thinking over
The things that you've said
I'm thinking over
Thinking over
Only you know if he's the one for me
"You have to talk to him", Cristina said simply.
"How? How do I just go and talk to him?", Meredith asked.
"If you talk, he'll listen" Cristina told her. "I want you to tell him everything you told me tonight. He feels the same way. You know he does, Meredith."
"I think he's dating Rose. That's her name…the nurse…Rose", Meredith said quietly.
"Let him date her. Maybe he needs to. If anything, it'll make him realize just how much he needs you. Be the bigger person. Wait for him. Prove to him that you're in this too. Even if he's not right now. Make him realize that you're making an effort. Because you love him. And that, even if you can't see it right now…one day, it'll be worth it. Worth the pain. Worth the anger. Worth the crying. It'll be worth it. Cause you'll have each other. That's what matters", Cristina said kindly.
Meredith just looked at her friend. The friend who usually just rolled her eyes when it came to the problems with her and Derek. "Thank you, Cristina", Meredith said softly.
"You're welcome…Look, I know I get annoyed with your love life or whatever. But you can talk to me. I'll help. If I can. I'll help", she told her.
"I know. And I appreciate it. I'm going to talk to him", Meredith said, taking a deep breath.
"Good. Go change your clothes. Then, let's get some sleep. You look like crap", Cristina said as she pulled the cover off of them so Meredith could go change.
I can't really tell you
What I'm gonna do
There are so many thoughts in my head
There are two roads to walk down and one road to choose
So I'm thinking over
The things that you've said
Meredith laughed at Cristina's comment. She was a good friend. And Meredith was thankful for it. Maybe Cristina was right. Maybe it would be okay. This was just another bump in the road. They would get past it. They were Meredith and Derek. They had their fair share of obstacles. But they always managed to make it through to the other side.
A few minutes later, Meredith got back into bed. Cristina pulled the blanket up over both of them.
"Goodnight, Cristina", Meredith said with a slight smile.
"Goodnight, Mer", Cristina yawned.
Meredith laid there in the dark, the coldness of her pillow cooling her hot cheek. She thought about the future. She and Derek would get married one day. They would build the house. Maybe not tomorrow. But they would. And they would build the bedrooms for the kids. Meredith smiled at this thought. Kids. They would come too. They both wanted to have them. Derek loved kids. They would be happy. One day. One day, it would all be okay.
There may be a hundred steps between where they were now and their dream house. They may not always be fun steps. Or sexy steps. But as long as they walked up them together, that was all that mattered. One day, they would both look back on all of their struggles and realize it was worth it. They we're in love. They had no choice. You only get one 'love of your life'. They weren't limitless. One. That's it. One.
If Meredith Grey knew nothing else, she knew Derek Shepherd was hers. He was her soul mate. He was the one. He always would be.
Thinking over
Thinking over
I hope you liked it. After writing it, I feel a lot calmer. I was literally crying after the episode. For about an hour. But, like the voiceover said tonight, it's about having faith. And for some reason beyond my understanding, I do. I hope this made some people feel better too. :)
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