Chapter 17: 17. Ritsu Gets Something Off Her Chest
As Ren and her companions moved through the forest, the clear morning rang with birdsong. Nobody spoke, and the ugly scene at the Irregulars' camp rapidly acquired the surreal feeling of a nightmare. But she could still taste the dirt and feel Artoria's boot on her neck, and the fear and certainty with which she'd started the mission had been replaced by a hollow exhaustion.
Merlin fell back and walked beside her for a few moments. Once, she caught him looking at her sidelong, unsmiling, and she pointedly looked away. He didn't bother trying to explain himself, which hurt even through the hollowness. Apparently she wasn't even worth one of his lies now.
It didn't matter. She hadn't come here for him.
At first that was an empty thought, but as they approached the fortress and Ritsu appeared on the shattered wall, waving in welcome, Ren's self-reassurance developed more substance. When Ritsu hopped over the wall and scrambled toward them, Merlin said, "I'll go on ahead and check on Tora."
Ren told herself that was even better. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
"Are you two all right?" exclaimed Ritsu, grabbing at Ren's Command Seal hand with both of her own.
"Mommy started crying," said Jack soberly. "We had to do something, even though Mommy didn't order it."
A dull pang echoed in Ren's heart and she reached back to draw Jack into a one-armed embrace. "It didn't hurt that much but you did the right thing. Thank you."
Ritsu joined in the hug, ruffling Jack's pale hair. Then, each younger girl holding one of Ren's hands, they walked along. After a moment, Ritsu said, "Tora's asleep. Cú thinks she'll get better once she's rested. She's going to be pretty mad, though. I hope she'll listen to me this time."
"What happened last time?" Jack asked.
"Oh, well. She came to me after they captured her. I thought she'd escaped at first, you know? But she didn't care about any of our orphans, or the village or anything. Just me. She told me she'd realized we couldn't ever win against the Sovereigns. That the only way to be safe was to go with her. She was so angry about it." Ritsu gave a little shiver. "I showed her how my Seals had manifested and she just… shut down. Like I'd broken her. And then she left. She only came back a few weeks ago, when she came to the village with Sovereign soldiers."
Ren thought about that a moment and then gave up, saying, "Well, we'll sort it out. You're not alone anymore, and getting inside people's heads is what Merlin is good at." She frowned. "Wait, was that bitter?"
She glanced over and met Ritsu's dark, measuring gaze. Thoughtfully, the girl said, "I didn't really summon you, did I?"
Ren blinked and stiffened. "I have no idea. Why would you say that?"
Ritsu simply looked at her more, until Ren said, "Look, I don't know who summoned me, but you are the reason I'm here. I'm certain of that."
And she was. Because Ritsu was lucky.
"Anyhow, you seemed pretty sure yesterday," Ren finished, scowling despite herself. "You said you were a genius."
Ritsu blinked up at her. In a practical tone, she said, "I am. But part of being a genius is seeing what's really there."
As if Ritsu had caught on fire, Ren tried instinctively to jerk her hand away. But the two younger girls held on too well and as Ritsu kept talking,, Ren slowly relaxed again.
"I mean, yeah, sometimes it takes me a while. It's not like there's anybody teaching me." Ritsu looked down, kicking a stick. "But I see you. You're… a person."
Neutrally, Ren said, "And your familiars aren't?"
"Not the same way, no." Ritsu frowned. "Familiars don't doubt themselves. The situation? Yeah. Themselves? Never."
Ren wanted to reject the entire premise, but she couldn't. She read familiar as Servant, as king and hero and god. Familiars didn't doubt themselves. She believed that. She'd seen that, with Artoria just now. And, oh, did Ren doubt herself.
Therefore she wasn't a king, a god, a hero. She was nobody. She was a prop, or possibly an accident. It was bad logic, but at that moment, an unavoidable answer.
Ren's feet stopped moving. She stared dully at the ground until Ritsu's orange hair flashed across her vision. "You think this is bad news?"
"Ritsu… I don't know where I came from. I don't even know if I'm real. I might just be an elaborate practical joke." Ren raised her head and found Ritsu unexpectedly glaring at her from a few inches away.
Very quietly, Ritsu said, "You may have missed this part." Her whisper became a bellow. "YOU. ARE. A. PERSON."
As Ren reeled backward, Ritsu whirled and stomped away, talking at a high rate to her familiar. "Oh my goodness, foxette, does the air leave your brain when you get that tall? Is that the only explanation? It's everywhere. And that's why nobody believes me. NOBODY LISTENS." She turned around and shouted back, "Jack, you have to help me stay short, okay?" and then marched ahead until she reached the broken fortress wall.
When Ren and Jack caught up with Ritsu, she gave Ren a baleful look. "That was so stupid it distracted me from why I asked."
Her mind still full of numb buzzing long after her ears stopped ringing, Ren said meekly, "Sorry."
Ritsu gave her a firm little nod, and then her entire demeanor once again reverted to her sunny, slightly-overexcited norm. "So if I didn't summon you, I keep asking myself, um… did I summon something else when I thought I'd summoned you?" She frowned. "I mean, um, I may have summoned something else. That is, I probably summoned something else, and it's probably… bad?"
"Only probably?" asked Cú mockingly, jumping down from the ramparts.
Ritsu looked intensely self-conscious. "Well, I mean, the book says something always comes through but a lot of that book is clearly lies, so that might be too?"
"Can't you control it with your Command Seal?" Ren asked, with forced curiosity. She could feel Cú's gaze on her, and couldn't bear to meet it. Maybe later, after some quiet time and more tea. Maybe then. Or maybe not. As long as she could be helpful, she'd at least try.
"Not if I haven't defeated it," said Ritsu.
"According to the book," said Cú helpfully.
Ritsu just gave him a dark look. "But it still gets sent back if I die."
Ren winced, suddenly understanding why Tora might have wanted to keep her little sister from being a Summoner. "Ow. But if something came through, why didn't it fight you?"
"Maybe it wanted to live," said Jack softly.
"Like a person," sighed Ritsu. Then she shouted, "I really REALLY wish stupid dead grown-ups had maintained the castle so I wouldn't ever end up wondering how portals really work!"
"Wanting to live isn't bad," argued Ren after the echoes died away, her eyes on the shattered tower rising behind Cú's ear.
"From my point of view, it depends on what the beast eats," said Cú, sounding more cheerful than he had since he contracted with her. "Tracking it down will be a good training mission. Thanks, Ritsu." His gaze moved once again to Ren, and she dropped her eyes.
After a minute, the Lancer said, "Well, I'm going to go keep an eye on Tora's troop. This is the only first battle of a war, and I'd like a little more knowledge about our enemies. I'll check in soon."
He seemed to be waiting for a response from Ren, so she mumbled, "Good idea."
Instead of leaving, Cú put his hand on her head. "Hey. My lady. What's wrong? You won."
"She's been like this," said Ritsu worriedly. "Jack, did she get really hurt?"
"I'm all right," said Ren, trying to shake off the mood. She had won. Her plan had basically worked. No matter how she'd come to be in Ritsu's world, she was there now. "I just need… some time."
"Ah," said Cú. "Your first battle? She'll be fine, little miss. I'll be sure to bring back more meat, though." He touched Ren's head one more time, and then sprang into the forest.
"Meat," mumbled Jack. "Berries. I'm hungry, Mommy."
Quickly, Ritsu said, "There's still some bird left. Why don't you come have a snack while Ren takes a nap?"
"I'll brush your hair later, Jack," said Ren, when Jack looked at her for permission. "You should enjoy the food first."
Ritsu gave her another one of those keenly perceptive looks as they walked into the keep together, but only said, "I'm truly glad you're here, Ren." Then she hustled Jack downstairs, leaving Ren to sit down on her bed in front of the giant empty hearth.
Motes of dust danced in the dappled light filtering in through the crumbling windows and missing stone blocks. Serendipity sighed, gathering up one of the blankets to her chest and hugging it. Again and again she replayed the confrontation with Artoria in her mind, trying to banish the sting. Her final conclusion never varied. She could act, so she would, however she arrived in this situation.
But Merlin's silence was a splinter in her confidence that she couldn't wiggle loose. She rolled around on the bed, inhaling the scent of flowers he'd infused into her bedding, and couldn't come up with a single good reason he hadn't even pretended to reassure her.
Finally, she sat up and shouted, "Merlin!"
He stepped around the door frame as if he'd been waiting on the other side. "Now, now, there's no need to shout," he said in his usual cheerful voice. "You know, I've been studying Tora and I think—"
"Merlin," Ren said, with a good deal more anguish. He stopped talking, his usual half-smile fading from his face.
After a moment, he crossed the great hall and stood beside her bed. "May I sit down?"
"Feel free," said Ren, scooting to the head of the bed so he had plenty of room.
He did so, tucking his staff under the bed. Then he leaned back until he stretched across the width of the bed with his head hanging off the other side. His hair flopping like a mop, he said, "I was wrong earlier. It was hard to work against her."
"Why would you lie about that?" demanded Ren.
He turned his head toward her, although the edge of the bed mostly blocked them from seeing each others' eyes. "Not a lie. A mistake. Not my first. Not with her." He hesitated. "I didn't think she'd see you as… as a younger version of herself. I would never have compared the two of you."
"Because she's Arthur Pendragon and I'm nobody?" It slipped out before Ren could stop herself.
Merlin propped himself up on his elbows to look at her. "Do you care so very much where you came from?"
A quick shudder ran through Ren. She didn't. Whatever her origin, they weren't worth remembering. "I don't. But I care if you… if you…" Words failed her. She'd known he was a liar from the beginning, so why did it hurt her so much that he might have hidden his knowledge of her origin?
She struck out wildly for something to say, because anything was better than the mildly curious way he studied her, like she was a science experiment just a bit outside of parameters. "If I'm just a blank soul you stuck into an artificial body, I care that you clearly did it wrong."
Merlin flopped down again. "I don't know yet if you're nobody, but you're not a blank soul, and I had nothing to do with attaching your soul to your body."
Abruptly, the splinter piercing her heart disappeared. Ren promptly tried to catch at it and put it back. Because Merlin was a cheat and a liar, and she had no reason to believe his words; because feeling better so easily made her exactly the fool she was afraid to be.
It was no use. Her heart trusted him, as it had since the beginning. She scowled. "You could have said that earlier."
"I'm sorry," he said absently, swishing his hair back and forth. "I was thinking about… something else."
Annoyed, Ren kicked his hip with her bare foot, and he promptly caught it. His fingers curved around the arch of her foot and his thumb brushed her toes. When she tried to pull her foot away, his grip remained firm. And when she kicked with her other foot to free the first one, he caught that one in his other hand.
Then, before she quite knew what had happened, he'd yanked and twisted them both. When she caught her balance, she found herself on top of him, straddling his stomach, her legs bent double and his hands curved like manacles around her ankles. His head still hung off the bed. For a moment she sat absolutely frozen, trying to work out how he'd gotten her into that very embarrassing position.
"I wouldn't have compared you because I know everything about Artoria and not nearly enough about you." He raised his head to look at her again and Ren felt his abdominal muscles move under her. "I thought I knew enough to recognize when you'd been defeated, but… no, not even that."
His words cut through her shocked paralysis. "You gave up on me?"
"I wouldn't have let her kill you," he said quietly.
"Just put her foot on my neck to shove my face in the dirt," said Ren caustically, welcoming the bite of anger once again.
Once again Merlin moved unexpectedly, shifting fluidly as he sat up such that Ren slid down to his thighs and her legs curled behind his back. One of his hands slid up to her knee, while a single knuckle of the other stroked down her cheek. "Yes. I may have forgotten, just a little, just how weak and fragile you are." His hand dropped to her other knee. "But you didn't need me after all."
Ren wriggled to see if she could slither off him and then promptly stopped as his eyebrows raised. Gruffly, she said, "Well, you were useful as the getaway driver, at least. Uh. Could you let me go?"
"Hmm?" he said, tilting his head as he scanned her face. "Ah. But I feel like you'll kick me again if I do. Really, Ren, if you didn't want me in your bed you could have just said no. I did ask." He smiled. "Besides, I like having a girl on my lap. If you put your arms around my neck, that'd be even better."
"You're right," said Ren, relishing her fury. "I would kick you again. And the only way I'll put my arms around your neck is to throttle you."
"Well then," he said cheerfully, sliding his hands up her thighs to lock at the small of her back. "Here we are. Stuck like this." His gaze went distant again.
Ren, ready to fend off almost anything he tried next, was completely taken aback when he gave a tiny sigh and dropped his forehead against her shoulder. Once more, she experienced mood whiplash.
Nervously, she sat very still, waiting for whatever happened next. Tendrils of pale, prismatic hair drifted under her nose as he held her tightly to him. Then, his voice muffled, he said, "She told me once, so long ago, that I'd been a good mentor. It hurt. I knew exactly what was coming, but I didn't tell her. I'd warned her as a child, after all. But her gratitude hurt me. And I thought I'd finally understood why. Now… I'm not so sure."
Not going to stroke his hair, not going to stroke his hair, NOT GOING TO STROKE HIS HAIR. Ren's hands balled into fists at her side. "You know I have no idea what you're talking about, right?"
She heard rather than saw his smile. "I do. And your confusion is adorably reassuring. You smell nice, too."
That was it. Ren flailed at him with hands and feet, until he unlocked his hands and she rolled down his legs and onto the flagstones, somehow tangled up in blankets that softened her fall. She sat up, her hair falling in her face. "Let's get some things straight, you trash mage."
"I'm eagerly listening," he assured her solemnly, leaning forward to look down at her.
She sat up further, assuming a formal position and frantically fussing her hair away from her face before saying, "I'm here to help Ritsu. You're here to help me. I don't care where I came from. I don't care where you came from. We're going to use the Servant summoning system to fix this screwed up world." She paused, wondering if she ought to add something about no lying or unsolicited snuggles.
"Is that it?" he asked, his eyes wide.
She decided against it for now. "Does there need to be more?"
He pulled out his staff and stood up, smiling at her: deceptively cheerful. "No, no, not at all."
He was probably lying. But she didn't mind. Her heart, god damn it, had been right. Because Merlin couldn't give up on somebody he'd created the way he'd briefly given up on her. His ego was simply too large. The thought should have hurt. And it did twinge, a little. But she could still feel his arms around her waist, his head on her shoulder, and she remembered Ritsu's words about familiars, and self-doubt.
With her, if only for a moment, Merlin had let himself be a person.
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone