Chapter 56: Black Widower

D'oh! Would you turn off that rock 'n' rock music? Don't have a stegosaurus, man. These talking dinosaurs are more real than most real families on TV. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Look, Maggie, they have a baby too. It's like they saw our lives and put it up on screen. Kids, I know you're excited about meeting Aunt Selma's boyfriend. Before he gets here I should tell you something about him-- something disturbing. Ooh! Ooh! Ee-ugh! Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession about not dying alone so in desperation she joined this prison pen pal program. Her new sweetie is a jailbird. Cool, he can teach us how to kill a man with a lunch tray. Now, now, he's an ex-convict. He's paid his debt to society. Then why aren't you using the good silverware? - I'm just not. That's them. Remember, everyone be understanding and forgiving for the sake of family unity. Everyone I'd like you to meet-- Aah! It's Sideshow Bob! What the. . ? I'm afraid their reaction is understandable. Bart is the shamus in short pants who sent me to prison. Your new boyfriend here framed Krusty the Clown - for armed robbery. If some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison the first thing out I'd find out where he lives and tear him a new belly-button. Lousy snitch. Yaah! You're forgetting the first two noble truths of the Buddha. - I am not. - Yes, you are. One: existence is suffering. Two: the cause of suffering is desire-- in this case, my desire to do high-quality children's programming. When prison ended that dream, I became a seething cauldron of rage and recrimination. When I was nominated for best supporting performer in a children's program at the Daytime Emmy Awards my bitterness ruined the greatest night of my life. And the nominees are: Droopy Drawers Colonel Coward Pepito, the biggest cat in the whole wide world Sideshow Bob and Suckup the Vacuum. And the Emmy goes to I don't believe this Sideshow Bob. This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win you bantering jack-in-the-box! Just don't drop it in the shower. - No-talent, shill! - Second banana! - Panderer! - Bore! Uh, now for the highlight of the evening-- Best film-to-video transfer. Do you know what prison is like for a life-long Republican? In our overcrowded cell we became little more than beasts. - Who used my chap stick? - Oh, I did. Here you go. I don't want it. My only joy came with plotting a horrible revenge against the boy who put me there. Ay, caramba! Bart, if I wanted to kill you - I'd have choked you as soon as I walked in. But what kind of guest would I have been? Now, where was I? Ah, yes-- my lowest ebb. You can't take my Emmy. You know the rules: awards for entertainment are contraband. No Emmys, no Oscars, not even a Golden Globe. But kismet be kind, well as cruel. I received an answer to my letter from the prison pen pal program. ''Dear #2 460 1 ''I need a man and cannot find one ''among the law abiding. ''I have a steady job and a lucrative hobby:: ''filing nuisance lawsuits. ''I share an apartment with my twin sister. ''Enclosed is a photo of us on a tandem bike. I forget which one I am. '' ''Dear Selma ''your latest letter set off a riot in the maximum-security wing of my heart. '' - Ohhh - [ Pffft ] Like the lone crocus that pokes through the prison yard our love bloomed despite all obstacles. Selma, may I? Uh, uh, uh on the cheek. Inspired by the love of a good woman I resolved to be the best darned inmate #2 460 1 I could be. I bade farewell to my cellmates and left with the woman I loved. Cutter. Icepick. Snake. I'm going to miss you most of all. Aww! What a beautiful story, Sideshow Bob. You're living proof that our revolving-door prison system works. I've never seen you so happy-- giggling like a schoolgirl. I've got to admit it, Selma he's a once-in-a-lifetime catch. I hope the police are saying that as well. I can't believe you guys. This man framed Krusty the Clown. - Bart! - Indeed, I did and I thank you for catching me. You seized the wheel of my slow boat to hell, and pointed it towards the sunny shores of Selma. Here, here. Would you mind if I did something bold and shocking in front of your family? All right, but no tongues. Though kissing you is like kissing some divine ashtray that's not what I had in mind. - Selma, will you marry me? - [ Gasps ] Don't be a fool. That man is scum. Then call me ''Mrs. Scum. '' Could you pumice my corns for me? Avec plaisir. ''A'' ''G'' ''Q'' Seven Close enough. May you drive safely and find true love. We now return to Whoo-hoo! I love you people! I love my kids! Poor little guys. So tragic. So nauseous. You should see the bus they came to the studio in. What's next? Oh, yeah. And now, a man who needs no introduction ''The Chairman of the Company''-- you know who I'm talking about. Get out here, you gumba! who wants to say hello. - Huh? What? - I can't believe it! They've been feuding for years. Come here, you. - Oh, you old clown, you. - I missed you. This guy is a national treasure. That jerk I got to replace you, he isn't fit to hold your slide whistle. All I can be is myself. Krusty, can you ever forgive me for putting you in jail? If they open the books on this telethon I'm right back in there. - That Sideshow Bob is a no-good show biz phony. Come on, Bart. If Krusty can find it in his heart to forgive him surely you can too. Now, about your wedding dress how should I put this? - White! - White. What would you like for appetizers? Ooh, appetizers. Homer, you're a trencherman. What should we serve? Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They taste as good as they look and they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup but, brother, it ain't ketchup! Selma, he makes a good case. Whatever you want. It all tastes like Styrofoam to me. Selma, dear, I'm confused. When I was a kid we were playing with bottle rockets and one shot straight up my nose. I permanently lost my sense of taste and smell. Okay, we've got cocktail weenies and Swedish meatballs. Selma, this wedding is spinning out of control. I've run through eight of the ten dollars they gave me when I left prison. I told you I got money. I bought stock in a Mace company just before society crumbled. Selma, that's wonderful! I hope people don't think I'm marrying you for your money instead of your less tangible qualities. Tomorrow we'll be Mr. and Mrs. Bob Terwilliger. Isn't it grand? Hey, Bob, give some of that honey this way. Mmm mmm! Holy frijoles! We've got ten minutes till MacGyver. Driver, here's a fin. Get me home, and don't spare the whip. Whatever you say, mum. - What did I miss? MacGyver was wearing a tank top. Dang. But I'm the only man in your life. Sit down and shut up! Señor MacGyver, you saved our village. Don't thank me. Thank the moon's gravitational pull. That MacGyver's a genius. First of all, he's not a genius. He's an actor. And second, he's not much of an actor. You're lying. You're lying! No, this is lying-- that was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me retch. - No! He was so cruel. The things he said they're just not true. There. There. The wedding's off. Fiddle-dee-dee. Tomorrow's another day. Bart, stop that! No, he's right. We're a package. Love me, love MacGyver. I guess the wedding's off. Selma, I don't know what to say. Just tell me you like MacGyver. Very well. I-- I-- I can't do it! Even that car chase seemed tacked on. Would you two knock it off? I hate all the programs Marge likes but it's no big deal. You know why? - No. - Go on. Whenever Marge puts on one of her nonviolent programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few then I stumble home in the mood for love. Very well, Selma. Whenever you watch MacGyver I'll take a vigorous constitutional and return more in love than ever. Oh, Bob. Bart no like. Bad medicine. I could have been the flower girl and I wouldn't keep falling down either. Hey, they chose Maggie, okay? If you want to go for cutesyness instead of competence, fine. Do you, Bob, take Selma to have and to hold, in sickness and in health till death do you part? - Mmm. - Oh. Hey, wiener boy where do you think you're going? I'm the only single girl left in the family. Well, I guess it could be worse. Oh, there's Krusty the Clown. Krusty! Krusty, say something funny. Oh, gee, a joke, huh? Um uh funny. Okay, this guy walks into a bar and takes out a tiny piano and a 1 2-inch pianist-- Oh, no, wait. I can't tell that one. Dear friends, 41 years ago God took 1 68 pounds of clay, and he made me a woman and for this, I thank him. I just wanted to say on the advice of my new husband I've decided to give up smoking except for after meals and after MacGyver. Selma, dear, you'll bury us all. Chief Wiggum, you've been around. You don't trust Sideshow Bob, do you? Lighten up, son. If he was going to commit a crime would he have invited the number-one cop in town? Now, where did I put my gun? Oh, yeah. I set it down when I got some cake. I don't know what to say. Just tell me what you know I want to hear. I'm dying of jealousy. Thank you. That's right, dear. Enjoy your rest. The wedding was very tough on you and the honeymoon is going to be murder. Welcome to our video honeymoon. We're using the video camera cousin Doug gave us and the videocassette Homer gave us. Hey, and after we watch this, we can tape over it. There's Shelbyville Falls, Rolling Rock and here's another breathtaking sight my brand-new hubby. I wanted a room with a fireplace you brainless luggage monkey! Like the one in your brochure! Oh, Selma, dear. I was just chatting with my good friend Dennis. Now, smile for the camera, that's a good lad. Ah, fire-- Scourge of Prometheus, toaster of marshmallows eradicator of deadwood. Oh, Selma, dear-- you and your little camera. What do you say we shut it off for a while? And make love? I suppose so. Oh, that's sweet. Why would Sideshow Bob go so nuts over a fireplace? Because he wants his honeymoon to be romantic. Romantic? With Aunt Selma? I guess you're too young to understand. Hmm Bob, one of my fillings fell out. Even murder has its ugly side. Bob, would you mind rubbing my feet? Darling, you make it sound like a chore. Ooh. Oh. Good. Mmm. - Soon I will kill you. - Huh? Son pieds sentit beau-- French for ''her foot smells lovely. '' Oh. Prepare to be murdered. Huh? That's Sanskrit for ''your toes are like perfume. '' - Voy a matar a usted. - Wha? That's Spanish for ''I am going to kill you. '' - Say what? - I do believe it's time for your beloved MacGyver. - Oh, hey, you're right. - Well, time for my walk. - Mm. Don't forget to die. Ding-dong. I was feeling kind of lonely without Selma. Mind if I watch TVwith you? Oh, go ahead, Patty. Tonight, on MacGyver MacGyver MacGyver MacGyver Aunt Selma has one hour to live. Hey, down in front. Good-bye. Front desk, there's been a terrible accident in my room! Poor Selma. You were having such a lovely evening Selma! Oh! You tried to kill me. I want a separation. My best-laid plans have gang agley. Do you have room in your jail for a two-time loser? No, but that never stopped us before. Bart, I must know how did you untangle my web? Yeah, Bart, clue us in. I'd hate to tell the number-one cop in town how to do his job. No, please, it's the only way I'll learn. All right. Sideshow Bob seemed desperate to get that fireplace, but why? Then it hit me-- The gas! Surely anyone would have noticed a gas leak except Aunt Selma. I permanently lost my sense of smell. She happily watched MacGyver unaware that her room was silently filling with natural gas. All it needed to explode was a single spark, say, from a cigarette. I've decided to give up smoking except after meals and MacGyver. Her only hope was a plucky young boy and his slow-witted father. When Aunt Selma lights up after MacGyver she'll be blown to kingdom come. Come again? After trying four times to explain it to Homer I explained it to Mom and we were on our way! To the Simpson Mobile! But wait. If you saved Selma, why did the room explode? Oh, I'll field that one. Oh, right, the gas. with all my criminal buddies! I feel like such a fool. Well, he fooled almost everyone but there was one little boy who never lost his mistrust. Thanks, Mom. Now, let's get out of this gas-filled hallway - before we all suffocate. - Shh.