Chapter 1: Dying
It appears to be true, your life really does pass before your eyes as you are near Death's door, I am hopeful that the ripper doesn't answer, as I am not feeling ready to go, this may sound completely crazy, totally selfish perhaps to some seen as lame, but I really want to know if I at least won that race, especially if it's my last.
Rubbing is racing, it's just a part of the sport, we were side by side, no holding back, to Indy cars at full speed to that finish line, that crowd was cheering loud as we were in sight of the checkered flag, couldn't have been more then a car length away.
Not sure what happened, how did we wreck? Saw that flag then spinning and flipping, headache, ears ringing and blackout, some how sure we crashed together across that finish line but who? Who finished first? Feels like this is a finish for the history books, almost a legacy but who remembers the second place finish, would I only be remembered that I died?
That was my dream race to win, of all of my races, racing in the different series, this was, is seen as a pinnacle for a career racer like myself, I desired to win this one so bad, I worked my whole career for this, this moment, this feeling that flag was mine, Indy at the Brickyard, this was to be my year to win, one of the few locations I had not won at yet. Really what haven't I raced? It's my passion.
I was there, leading that lap, when the second place driver that had been drafting me for at least two laps, as I made it hard to pass, but the crowd went wild, nearing the end and a last chance to pass, now side by side, I was holding my breath, my heart racing as fast as my car, I could feel the fans standing up, could taste that win, my car, this incredible team all our hard work, we gave it everything we got, just keep the car straight, keep that foot on the gas....
Slow motion, I hear the cheer of the crowd turn to horrific screams, yelling, then buzzing in my ears, awareness of the crowd fades to dizziness then dark, is this my fault?
Was this crash my fault? Is the other driver OK? Did I forget to exhale? Did I let off the gas? Turn the wheel? Was it driver error? My Error? I don't hear anything but my own questions, no announcement over the speakers or my spotter on the radio, just my thoughts no other sounds.
Who won? sound of ringing returns, feels like slowly awareness returns then a muffled "Sir, do you hear me? can you respond?" I know it's a member of the safety crew doing their job but I can't respond, I don't even know if my eyes are open or closed, I am aware yet not aware at all but I do know the safety crews are some of the best and train for this.
I would love to straight out ask him if I won, but I seem to be trapped not just in my wrecked car but with in myself as well, I begin to hear more and different voices in between the strange ringing and buzzing sounds that bother me in my ears, hearing a siren, a saw, notice the creepy silence of the crowd, no noise from the other cars has it been that long? Does it look that bad?
As I try and shift my focus from the sound or lack of it, I start to notice a overwhelming wave of pain, so what really happened? What's wrong we me? Did I win? Would that make it all worth it? My team deserves the victory at least.
The slow motion feeling continues, I get a feeling of movement like they have me freed from the wreckage and on to the stretcher, lifting, I must be loading into the ambulance, I feel this frantic energy like the paramedics are doing everything in their power to save me.
I feel the bumps in the road and like we just turned, everything is feeling slow yet I am very aware of the rush as the sound of the sirens blare mixed with the buzzing and the muffled sound of voices saying medical terms I don't understand, frozen in this slow motion of the moment of close to death lingers, this strange feeling of pain yet peace and sounds blending, prefer the feel of my race car, it was smooth and fast, she had handled like a dream today, this is slow and I feel every painful bump.
A moment free from buzzing in my ears and I hear clear as day I will be rushed straight into emergency surgery, now with the clearness of my ears I hear that between the paramedics and the hospital with the radio they are in constant communication, the paramedics are preparing me en route, I drive fast as a racer for a living, I mean I have been blessed with cart, F1, Stock cars and dirt bikes and motorcycles, even some outlaws for a charity race but this, right now I am scared.
I have very mixed feelings, but I just don't feel ready to die right now, is that why I cling so much to wanting to know who won? I do have faith and I do believe that beyond my body is a beautiful place but I am not ready to go to experience it.
My character must be bad, I am so stuck on if I won, is this hell? To forever not know if I won the pinnacle of my career, if I knew, if I won would I surrender my life? Move to the after life feeling a sense of achievement, accomplished, satisfied.
To leave this overwhelming pain behind and find the truth of what the afterlife is really like. Is that what the ringing and buzzing is in my ears? Is that heaven calling? Is that how angels speak when your fighting to stay and not ready to leave? Your soul not listening? This Slow motion darkness with pain and questions, is this the judgement part?
"Were losing him" clear words now echoing followed by words of cc's and stat, now the slow motion speeds up a bit and more of my life before the crash starts to flash before my eyes and regrets seem to be highlighted.
Everything that I sacrificed to get to the top, to have this racing career, to be one of the best, maybe one of the best ever across multi series, was it wrong to want to be a Legend, however what Legacy was it really when I am unmarried and no children, in fact I feel like I'm a rare christian 28 year old male virgin.
I was extremely focused on following my dream, having this carer and being on top, I didn't seek out the special kind of woman it takes to marry a racer, speed demon who loves the thrill, the power and control of the beast, pushing body and machine, she'd need to love racing as much as I do, maybe even be a tough as nails racer herself.
The wives of racers have to be strong to handle the risks, of moments like this one, to know that as much as we love racing and know the risks ourselves that we love them and don't really want to leave them behind, that they also take comfort in knowing we died following our passion, doing what we loved. More heart breaking if children are involved.
A wave of pain and lack of buzzing in my ears had me back to the present awareness that I was now in a busy operating room, felt crowed yet now in this moment I felt very alone, even began to feel cold, that's when my mind took me back to seeing flashes of my life.
As if I was watching my life as a movie, I was working on my vehicles for racing and didn't attend school dances, didn't attend any school hosted events, just school, work with Dad, work on race vehicle for the race, in more then one series, some were Friday nights, Saturday and Sunday and I loved it.
Images of working on my first go cart with Dad and Tony, no images of dancing, kissing or playing, no watching football games or anything like that, the kissing was my parents or other couples. During living those moments I didn't feel like I was missing anything but now I am not so sure.
A tragic moment as I realized I didn't make that many friends, I have Tony, my next door neighbor going up and best friend, my brother. I had my team mates and crew members that kinda felt like friends, having good times working together getting ready for races and some fun events hosted by our boss in one of he big hanger style building that houses the teams and vehicles.
Hello moment of melancholy, welcome back feeling of loneliness, back to feeling cold, hello guilt and regret, had I lived my whole life wrong? I mean I do have some memories of in between sessions of warmth at a beach with my family, family vacations, hanging out after working hard to swim and when a little older enjoy the hot tub.
Coldness surrounding me, thoughts racing around like cars on a track, busy sounds of the OR fade and I notice the one sound my annoying then the buzzing that takes turn with that ringing sound, annoying and scary and makes me wonder if Death is us some how tapped in a thought until we are no longer aware at all ad that sound is me, flat lining.
"Stay with us Sweetie" ... Mom is that you? What a angelic voice, stay? stay where? where am I really? Alive? Dead? In between? Would I feel less alone now if I had a girlfriend or wife to mourn me and not just Dad and Tony with his wife and girls? Would I have more will to fight through this overwhelming pain? for more then just Did I Win!
I was more then that, I did charity stuff that was fulfilling, or is all Death lonely? was that my Mom's voice? Did she join me from Heaven to take me home? Dad and I miss her. "Come on Honey, Stay with us, Work with us, Fight to live".
"Mom is that you?" I am not really saying anything, "Hello!" who will answer will I hear that angelic voice again? Who is that? Coming out of the cold, feeling warmth, this is it I guess but where is the bight light? The one said to be at the end of the tunnel, the angel to take me home, just dark, I worked hard but maybe winning came at this cost, my death and where my soul will really go.
"Don't you dare stop Honey, I am here, do you feel me, I am holding your hand" wait that warmth yes I feel it, yes it is a hand, lord have mercy she must be real, must be a nurse, in fact it feels like one is over and one is under like a sandwich, " Stay with me handsome" is she single? is she pretty? she has that beautiful voice, or is this her gift to all the ones they try and save, am I worth it?
Warmth and no pain then I feel the jolt, a rush of adrenaline like hearing start your engines and starting my car with a roaring purr of power, is this euphoria? Is this my final passing moment like that last lap pass, is this my finish line, is Heaven more racing?
"Clear" .....Beep.....Beep... "By the way sweetie, congrats on your win" another surge of adrenaline, beeping machines, deep painful breaths, one more fast flashbacks of my whole life, living the crash in real time if out of body, I see it the final lap, I won.
"Let's sew him up, get him to ICU to recover, seems stable for now, Good job everyone"
I won, and I'm alive.
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