The Alpha in Twilight: Kai Thornwood's Saga

LV 4

Patrick_Ugabi

Haven't read it yet, but come on can't we get new ideas this days? We tired of the Bella's brother and MC being related and tied to Bella what's the benefit there, what's so special about the Swans. Creativity is hard but come on, every fanfic is just a rewrite of previous ideas of other authors , maybe do fanfics that aren't common Like I'm tired of seeing HP fanfics, and there are all bs Hopefully this is worth the read and not a chat got product An alpha , let's see

LV 4

Jayjayempi

The idea in general is good, but I feel that you advance the story a lot without really telling anything, the good thing about a story is the details, you leave many gaps assuming that the reader can fill the space with what he knows about the movies, for example no. You explain why your character has a different last name, you don't explain why he awakened his powers, it is implied that he already lived in Forks but as if he didn't know anyone, if the Cullens are the same ones from the movies, you I invite you to rewrite your chapters and add more things, the story has potential it just lacks substance

LV 14

Doonie_Devourer

ok first off i love twilight so that's a plus for this book. the problems aren't a lot but are also major problem 1: pacing- the pacing is way too fast the time skips makes the story go from a diamond to trash like I'm reading one chapter i start the next and we are confused bc you skipped so much we gotta fill everything in ourselves problem 2: detail- your story lacks detail and I'm not saying there is none but you didn't add detail for the would/background the character himself or even detailing what we missed in them awful time skips like building the would and interactions through detail in face emotion environment are a big part in writing a story. problem 3: dialogue- this kinda goes with problem 2 but another thing that needs to be worked on is dialogue. there isn't a lot of good dialogue for example when Kai says "lets just say it's complicated...". this could be changed to make the Convo flow way better to actually show that he doesn't want to tell them his powers like the first time would be fine but after that is just boring and repetitive imo. he could easily be like I don't think that's your business if hes that laid back don't want to be involved and protecting his sister or he could straight up say leave me alone lol. anyway if you are able to fix those in the upcoming chapters this story will be honestly amazing if you right longer chaps to get all that stuff in and slow down on the updates so you actually have time to get a good chapter out it would benefit you more bc you have more time to think plan and seriously build the would and it's characters plus the the character development for the mc. you can slow down the story so you have more time to plan obviously this isn't a lot of time for slowing down but it would help. thanks for writing the novel 🙏🏿

LV 4

larkin_klarkin

This is way to fastpaced and Don't have descriptions for anything like The mc is supposedly a True alpha and thats all The information you get until a later chapter where he suddenly have a van helsing form