Chapter 41: Chapter 41 - Friends
"Trevor... Ahhh! Trevor, stop! Hey," she said and then took control by taking my cheeks in her hand and pulling me to kiss her lips.
"You don't fight fair, Miss Avery," I said and kissed her.
"Neither do you, Mr. Walker. Besides," she said leaning up to my ear and whispered, "all is fair in love and war." Damn, she's smart. Fuck! It's such a turn-on. Her smart mouth.
I kissed her neck as she moaned. "Trevor, we still have to talk," she said. I stopped with the kiss I was giving and sighed. "Yeah, you're right," I said and got off of her. I sat next to her on the couch.
"Okay. So, I know that you're not ready to be in a relationship, and I understand why. But you need to know that I don't know where we are. Where are we? Where do we stand with each other?" she asked.
She's right. I'm not ready for a relationship, because... I can't tell her. She'll hate me. But what she's saying makes sense. I understand why it's hard for her to understand.
"We are more than just friends. I mean friends don't kiss the way we do. We're on another level in our... uhm... 'relationship'. I don't know how to say this. We're not friends, but we're also not together."
"Okay. But what does that mean?" she asked. I have no fucking idea. Maybe I should just tell her. But if I do, she'll leave. When she realized I couldn't answer, she asked me another question.
"Why have you been calling me 'baby' and 'babe' the last few days?" How do I answer that? I really am one hot mess.
"It's something... I thought it might've comforted you. You know, when you were crying after seeing your mom. And this morning, I actually wanted to say 'thank you'..." That sounds so fucked up.
"Uh. What?" she asked.
"I'm sorry. That sounds fucked up - "
"Uh, yah think?" she asked, interrupting me.
"I just have one question... If you weren't afraid of the commitment, of me leaving you or anything else, would you take me as your not-friend-not-relationship-girl? With other words, would I be yours?" she asked. The sound of her calling her mine is like music to my ears.
"Yes," I answered too quickly.
"Okay. So, if I'm not your girlfriend... I'm still allowed to date someone else?" she asked.
"No. You're with me, Amabel. Only me..." What the fuck? Why would she do that? We're together... Oh... She had this weird look on her face. A look that indicated confusion mixed with frustration and anger.
"Well, doesn't that say something to you?" she asked. Why can't I say anything else? Maybe it's because your fear is ridiculous... You don't want to be with her but you won't let someone else be with her?
"Yes. No. I don't know." I'm really confused right now.
"It's like marriage. When a woman is married, she isn't allowed to be with another man. When she's engaged, she's not allowed to be with another man. When she's someone's girlfriend, she's still not allowed to be with someone else. It's all about trust, Trevor. So, do you trust me?"
Shit! I hate those four words.
"Yes. I trust you, you know I do."
"No. I don't know. Look, I want you to be comfortable around me. I want you to be able to talk to me. To call me when you're having a bad day. I want you to tell me when something's bothering you or when you're feeling weak. Or vulnerable. I want you to be able to look at me, even when I'm in a crowd of men and to still think 'I trust her. She won't hurt me.' Because I won't. I know what it's like to be hurt and that's why I don't want you to feel that kind of pain. I care about you. I really do. And if you trust me, then having a girlfriend wouldn't be so bad, would it?" she asked.
Her voice was calm and soft. Never once did she raise her voice and sincerity and kindness was her tone.
"I guess not. And I do trust you. You have to know," I said, sliding closer to her and cupping her cheek, "that I care about you more than anyone. I don't know what's wrong with me. I want you to be my girlfriend. I want you to be mine. But there's something holding me back."
"What? What's holding you back?" she asked and cupped my cheek.
"I don't know," I said. But deep down, I know what it is. I just can't tell her...
"Well, if you're not going to do it, then I just have to," she said and got up. She faced me and went on her knees taking my hands. "Trevor Walker, will you be my boyfriend?" she asked.
That was the cutest thing I've ever seen. The way she took control of us. Of our lives. Not letting anything ruin what we have. But still...
"How about we start as friends?" I suggested.
"Okay. But then we can't kiss. Because friends don't kiss." No! This is going to be hell. Not being able to kiss her? What am I supposed to do with her then? I want all of her. I want her to be mine.
Then be a man and tell her that!!
"Can we be friends that kiss?" I asked her. She laughed, shaking her head and stood up. Is she leaving?
"I have to go. I still have work to do. Thanks for dinner, buddy," she said, giving my shoulder a playful punch. No! That's just wrong. I can't be her friend. No! I can't...
"Oh, no. Don't leave. Please, don't leave. Stay here. You can stay in the guest room. I won't bother you. You have your things here anyway? Stay?" She tilted her head.
"Friends will understand if one of them has to leave. Now, as my friend, you must allow me to leave so that I can go home and finish my work. I'll call my friend when I'm home. Okay?" Why the hell did I ask her to be my friend? What the fuck? She's not someone I just want to be friends with. But it's too late now. I already told her…
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