Chapter 50: CHAPTER 50: BREAKING DOWN IS EASY
After that (weekday) getaway with Allen to his cabin, I spend most days either in my own room, lazing around waiting for him to stop by, or outside taking pictures while waiting for him to call and ask to meet up. I haven't taken any jobs because I want to be able to spend more time with him whenever he's free; when he's not practicing, going back home, or with Joy.
When Allen does have some spare time for me, he'll come by my room and we'll just stay there. Eating, watching movies, making out, having sex, and mostly, talking. About anything and everything. But never about us. About what we are. What it is that we are doing. What was and what will become of us. We're just, well, I'm just enjoying this while it lasts.
I know by doing this I hurt a lot of people. But I can't really help it. And Allen also can't really help it either. Or so it seems to me. Though it seems in that way, Allen and I managed to draw some sort of line between us. An agreement. A silent one. And agreement that we'll only be us behind closed doors. Our rooms. His cabin. A hotel. Wherever as long as it's not in public; on campus or anywhere else.
This thing between me and Allen, whatever it is, has changed me. I know exactly how I feel about him, but I've long since stopped questioning his reasons for being with me in this kind of way. For one; I don't really care what he thinks of me. Whether he's confused, or he actually likes me or just wants to play with me because he knows about my feelings, those don't matter. Second; I am terrified that once I begin thinking about his reasons, questioning him, he'll run away. And that's the last thing I want no matter how shameless, twisted and cheap that makes me.
One other thing that has changed is the fact that I spend less and less time with my friends. Even Marsha and Chuck. Last week was pretty okay because Marsha and Chuck volunteered at the summer camp. But since they got back, I've only seen them once and it's almost a full week without us meeting. I feel bad, terrible, even. But like I said, I want to spend more time with Allen, as much as I can while I still can.
But of course… My two dearest didn't take it all that well because even though I've no jobs, I won't hangout with them. They've been pestering me everyday since they got back from the summer camp, asking where I was and everything. On the days they come unannounced on my door, I'd pretend that I'll be meeting someone for a job or I'd pretend that I'm sleeping, door locked and everything. They've stopped dropping by and calling me every minute two days ago. But they still text me. Reminding me to eat and rest and take care of myself and that, no matter what, they love me.
I'm an ass. Biggest one. Maybe I should apologize to them. I thought as I read Marsha's text. She asked whether I've eaten or not. I don't know how to reply to that. I honestly can't remember when and what's the last thing I ate. No. I am not being all depressed and dramatic or whatever. I just don't remember stuff like that since I have to memorize Allen's schedules (and it's not like I can write them down somewhere, duh. Also, I have only so much brain capacity), which, if I remember correctly, he'll go back home after practice today.
I sigh.
It's already four and I don't think I've eaten anything since lunch yesterday. Maybe I should ask Marsha and Chuck to come over? I wouldn't be able to see Allen tonight anyway.
I open my phone again and send a group text, asking Marsha and Allen to come over (and ask them to bring food, of course). Their immediate answer has my gut churning with guilt and shame.
'We'll be there in 15'.
I close my phone, walking to my bathroom to finally take a shower. I've been lazing around all day since Allen went to campus for basketball related things. I scoff and laugh very sarcastically at my own thoughts. I feel like crying. I have been wanting to cry for so long now but somehow, my tears wouldn't come out. And it hurts. I mean physically hurting me. I keep having headaches at times like these and my chest would clench in the most unbearable way. It's annoyingly painful.
I sigh, again, and dry myself before putting on clean clothes. I dry my hair some more (haircut!) and stare at my reflection. Nothing's really changed except for my longer hair (haircut!) and slightly skinnier body. Not by that much. But even I feel lighter. I sigh and throw my towel over my shoulder, still trying to dry my hair.
I walk out of my bathroom slowly, approaching my room. I hear voices. Marsha and Chuck. I see them in the kitchen. Arguing.
"I told you to stop coddling him, Charles," Marsha, with arms crossed over her chest, scolds Chuck sternly. Chuck frowns, holding a big plastic bag in his hands, he turns around and places it on the counter, ignoring Marsha.
"Lee loves trotters," Chuck states flatly.
"He needs healthy food," Marsha says as she takes out her own groceries.
"I've got veggies," Chuck says, rolling his eyes, showing her something in his hands only for Marsha to slap it away.
"Stir fry vegetables doesn't really count as healthy," she says and starts preaching more about how to cook vegetables.
I finally let out a big laugh, starling them. They turn around in surprise, with a questioning look coming soon after. I don't even know why I laugh. But I laugh more as the both of them look at me like I'm some kind of a lunatic. They're not far off, though. I mean, thies argument has been ongoing since the dawn of time and it's not something I haven't seen before. But somehow, today, it's hilarious to me.
"I…. hahahaha…. So…" I keep on laughing until I feel myself, my laigh, turn into slightly hysterical. I bury my face in my towel, trying to calm myself down. Then I feel hands wrapping around my body. Warm and safe.
"Shh… It's okay…" Marsha's soothing voice fills my right ear.
"Don't cry…" Chuck's concerned voice is startling me.
Huh?
I snap my head up, staring at Chuck questioningly. He smiles weakly, sadly, as he brings his hand to my face and brushes it against my cheek. It's wet. I gasp when I realize that I'm crying. I bring my own hand to my face. It is wet. I am crying.
"Oh… shit…" I mumble, somehow feeling bewildered but also, pretty funny.
And finally, I let it all out. I cry myself out while Marsha and Chuck hold me.
*
"Here," Chuck hands me a glass of water and I take it gratefully.
"Thanks," I smile weakly at him. After crying like that, I suddenly feel tired and sleepy. I sip the water and lean back against the head of the bed.
"Are you okay?" Marsha sks, concerned. She touches my hand and rubs it gently. I stare at her, contemplating whether or not I should tell her.
"I'm not," I admit slowly, shaking my head. I try not to look at either of them and stare at my hands instead. Chuck moves to the bed and sits beside Marsha.
"What happened to you?" Chuck asks, holding my hand so tightly I'm afraid he'll break it.
"I'm…" I hesitate, wondering how much I should tell them.
"Don't think of lying to us," Chuck warns between his gritted teeth.
"I wasn't going to," I say defensively, pouting, of course. But also, how the hell did he know?
Ha… Sorry… Thinking of lying to them is already bad enough… I'm sorry, Chuck.
"So?" Chuck asks, nudging me, "what has been going on with you? You ghosts us and then call us acting all peachy but then you broke down crying for literally hours," he says and I cringe at that.
That does sound bad.
"I do have something going on and it's probably not a good thing…" I start hesitatingly.
"Why is it not a good thing?" Marsha asks with a frown as she scoots closer to me, occupying most of the left side of my bed while Chuck scoots to my right, still holding my hand.
"Well…. I think… No, I'm pretty sure I'm doing something wrong and there'll be people hurt by that…" I tell them, lowering my head in shame and I can feel my heartbeat fastened like it's about to jump out of my chest from how scared I am at the moment.
"Can't you just tell us?" CHuck asks impatiently and somehow panicky.
"I can't…" I lower my head, trying not to cry some more. I can, actually. I am just afraid. Terrified, even, that if they know, they'll hate me forever. And I'm really not ready for that. I'm not ready to lose the two people I love most in this world.
"Why? Chuck demands angrily, "since when do we keep secrets from each other?"
"Oh, please…" I say mockingly at him, which of course, not nice, but I'm also starting to get a little annoyed, "like you don't keep anything from me," I smirk at him.
"Of course no!" Chuck says, raising his voice while I raise one eyebrow at that and Marsha, bless her heart, sighs.
I scoff at him, which only makes him angrier, "Sure," I tell him.
Chuck is about to say something when Marsha stops him, "Careful," Marsha tells him before turning to me, "You too, Levi. Don't say things you will regret later," she tells me.
I sigh and lean back again, closing my eyes, trying to calm myself. "What I'm trying to say is… This isn't something I'm ready to talk about with the two of you… Can't you at least give me time to deal with it myself first?" I ask weakly.
"How much time do you need?" Chuck asks through gritted teeth.
"I don't know… Chuck…" I sigh again, "I haven't even been able to sort my mind," I admit.
"Can't you at least tell us that you're safe?" Marsha asks between worry and sadness.
"I am, Sha," I smile, reaching to hold her hand to reassure her. That, I at least know perfectly well. I am safe. Somehow. I almost laugh at that too. It's not like I got involved in some sort of criminal activities or something… So, yeah. I am safe.
"That's good…" Marsha nods, giving me a small sad smile which pierces my heart so thoroughly it makes me grimace.
I turn to Chuck who stares at me so intently I think there's a hole on my face somewhere now. I give him a small smile and pull him closer to me by the hand. He's not resisting and I place my forehead against his, staring into his anger-filled eyes.
"Trust me?" I ask him softly. Chuck arrows his eyes and refuses to answer so I bump my head against his. Not so hard but just so he answers me. Or else, I really won't let go. "Chuck?" I try again, caressing his cheek with my free hand as gently as I can to reassure him, and to plead with him.
Chuck grits his teeth and pushes me away, "Fine," he says finally without even looking at me. "Doesn't mean I'm happy with you," he adds, sighing. I can't help but smile at that, though guiltily, as I pull him into a big bear hug.
"I know. Sorry," I tell him as he hugs me back just as tight.
"Y'all done?" Kenneth's voice startles the three of us and I almost jump myself if not for Marsha and Chuck who are hugging me.
"Holy fuck where'd you come from?" I throw my pillow at him, He ducks, of course, and gives me this eye roll and a smirk.
"I've been here. Door wasn't locked by the way," Kenenth said after kissing Marsha who curses for being careless.
"Thanks, babe," Marsha says gratefully. Kenneth nods and smiles at her before turning back to look at me, "You good now?" he asks and I frown.
"You weren't even here, what would you know?" I ask, pouting.
"I know more than you think," Kenenth said with a smile I don't particularly like which sends shivers down my spine in an unpleasing way. I glare at him for making me feel that way and he chuckles at that.
"C'mon… let's eat…" sighing Marsha stands up and holds out her hand for me to take which I do gratefully. I am starving indeed. Like I said, I aven;t eaten since lunch yesterday and now it's already dinner time. I really cried for a long time, didn't I? Huh….
We have dinner and talk like nothing had happened and not like had just cried my eyes out for almost two hours. I think we have collectively decided to either postpone the matter or forget it completely, at least for the remaining night and just be us.
Which I'm immensely grateful for.
Damn. I love my friends.
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