Chapter 4: Doubt
The setting is still at home and I thought about this right after we get through the initiation from the new department I was in right now.
"I think I want to write my resignation," I told Gennifer, my thick ass 40 plus-year-old friend from work that I messaged through the Messenger.
It was just too much to handle at that time. This fucking assholes I talk to every day is too toxic, that I couldn't handle them anymore, I took a half-day on that Wednesday afternoon.
I remember that I got too overwhelmed with the new department I was in. But sure, it was not as different as I was before which was talking to customers about the product items. But this one tested my patience.
We were handling 3 windows, and chatting with them to answer their different concerns.
But if you are not from the customer service, or never ever knew the idea what the hell are the windows I'm talking about, I'll give you the simplest term.
Imagine yourself handling 3 counters of cashiers and taking orders in 3 lines, and some 3 bitches (some good, mostly bad) are talking all at the same time blabbering their concerns. But you're doing this via chat and on a computer.
I know that this isn't a good interpretation or explanation for my job, and I understand if you are unable to, because you may be a doctor, a lawyer, or even not someone working in the customer service, and I salute you to that. At least you can't be looked upon. As for me, I think this is going to be my end game either way. If I pursue my career in the corporate world, I would still be in the customer service business even I get to be in the highest position and shit like that.
But if I pursue my career in the Hospitality industry, it will still be the same just what like my Mom always suggested for me to take a Cruise Linework, but study it first.
I honestly think that I am the stupidest person in the family, and the saddest also. My dark, sad thoughts always fly around the air as it always reminds me of all of the wrong decisions I made that put me here. My thoughts are like a cloud of thick smoke from the vape that I use whenever I am on my breaks.
"Why don't you just calm down for now. It's hard to make decisions when you are emotional." Gennifer said.
It isn't ironic for my friend to say that because I also heard that from my Mom as well.
It is really hard to make sudden decisions at this time of the pandemic where everyone is just at home, and work-life balance does not exist anymore. What's harder is keeping your work personality from work to your family, and your home problems to your work whenever you're in a conference, until such time we got used to the screams from one of our colleagues, cries of babies, and dogs barking. Sometimes you hear something sizzling and realize that your friend or colleague is cooking dinner for the family.
I know that someone is going to say, "well we cannot blame you, but can you at least learn to adapt within the situation now?" At that time, I blamed the pandemic as many of our plans were ruined because of it.
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The situation with the cases raises higher and higher each day even though we are almost all at home working. And as much as it was a blessing to be at home, it wasn't a work-life balance anymore like we used to have when we are all reporting to the office.
To be honest, the situation I am in right now does not make me even more focused as I thought, and if you can understand, those fucking voices start to be noisy again inside my head.
And whenever that happens, I get to smoke using my vape and can do it in my room. It's a good thing that I managed to invest in something sinful because it's the last thing that can help my mind ease, even just for a while. And whenever I smoke that liquid, it feels like a part of my lone, and racing thoughts leaves out my brain, and I know that the effect of that would be water in my lungs.
Most of the time, I did not care about taking my vices anymore because I feel like I am so much ready to leave this dreadful world anyway.
But God damn, sometimes when the vape is not enough, I crave for a stronger cigarette. Unfortunately, I cannot do that in the house, that's why I do not have the choice and guess that I will be stuck with my vape as my last haven from my dangerous thoughts.
At first, when we started working from home, I really thought that it would bring out the best in me, but I did not expect that it will also bring out the worst.
Whenever I look at one side of my room, I see the figures. Well, literally. Years ago, my brother, Riley tried to fix the messy room that I have. He removed all of the stinking and rotting woods because he felt like he needs to remove the dirt for me (to which I am thankful at because I couldn't do it myself before), and then reinvent the color of the walls with something artsy, as you may call it, but it was not that. The "art" looks like little spots of raindrops all over the wall, colors of blue and white, then at the corner is a tree-like figure but more of a spaceship-like, in color black.
Up the wall is a broken ceiling caused by the rain, which you could imagine, is caused by the rain, and I know my brother and my sister. They are good with art, but the rotting ceiling ruins the abstract that I cannot even beg to differ how horrible it really was. I know that my brother is trying his best to make an abstract but all of us agreed that what he did try with those spray paints, it was anything but art. I cannot even remember whose idea is to get the colors blue, white, and black to spray paint the walls. And the other walls are colored peach white a long time ago.
When I look at the peach white walls, I know that to myself, it should bring light; but it cannot shed the darkest part of my mind, and God knows how I try my best to be positive every day. My room should be a safe haven, but sometimes I see figures whenever I turn the lights off. I always pray at night to him to make them disappear, and at least he tries to, in any way possible.
So most of the time, I read books, even though their theme is somewhat gothic. I watch some puppy videos on Youtube (also I started watching some BL series just to lift my spirits up), try to look for a good series to binge-watch on Netflix, and this. I write whatever comes to my mind
But most of the time as well, I cannot stray away from the news of the COVID cases rising up all over Metro Manila, and in Taguig, we have more than a hundred positive cases, which makes us all want to stay home.
And I have mentioned that I thought that my room was supposed to be a safe haven. But even inside the walls, I could not escape the positive case of melancholia to which I was 5 years ago, and I always doubt that I could keep myself sane.
I message my Dad from Canada.
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