Chapter 1: Chapter 1 - Not the Best Start to a New Life
Long story short - I died a depressing death alone in my tiny apartment and reincarnated in a Star Wars universe. How do I know that I am in a Star Wars universe you might ask? Well, as I opened my eyes a minute ago, the first thing I saw was a super battle droid right in front of my face. Before I had time to think about the fact that I most likely died a second ago, a single thought permeated my mind. I have zero doubt that in front of me was standing a life-sized, moving, living super battle droid. Well, I guess it was not technically alive, but I didn't have time to focus on this kind of technicality. Not going to lie, this metal pole rattled my heart quite a bit. It is practically towering over me! The droid's red color sensor on its left shoulder was shining menacingly, ready to assist in aiming its deadly wrist blaster. Thankfully, my natural reaction to being overwhelmed with fear is to freeze in place. Usually that would make me incredibly useless in a dangerous situation, but in this case it helped me not to blow my cover. Otherwise I would have instantly shouted "Please someone help me!" or "I don't want to die!". Wouldn't be the greatest look for a Separatist general. Although our reputation is already so low that the droids and the "organic" pilot would simply take it for granted. As I was trying to calm myself down and regain control over my senses, a battle droid nearby turned towards me:
"We will be arriving to the surface of planet Maridun in a few minutes general Lok Durd".
Startled and still overcome with shock, I turn towards the source of the mechanical voice. Arriving? So we were moving the whole time? I didn't even have time to comprehend the environment surrounding me, which simply looked like a dark and rusty-looking room with lights coming from a control panel further away. Planet Maridun? We are not on earth? Am I really in a Star Wars universe?! And a less important question which nonetheless bothers me - is my name "Lok Durd" now? Sounds awfully similar to "lord turd". Not the most enviable name. Not to mention that my body complexion seems to fit the image of a giant pile of manure. I can't feel my neck, probably due to its nonexistence, and my body feels so heavy that simply moving around is a struggle. It took me a solid minute to turn around to look at the droid who spoke earlier. My skin seems to be of a bleached green color. Well at least I did not reincarnate as a regular turd, but as a giant turd from a giant hyena*.
"General, we will be landing on the surface in a moment. It seems that we are being greeted by one of the local life forms."
Thankfully my turd-related ruminations have been interrupted before I lost the last of my braincells. Get yourself together! I need to figure out what I am doing here. I also need to make sure that I act as if nothing is wrong as much as possible. Act with authority and act like a regular useless Separatist general.
"Cough-cough... Ehm droid, my memory fails me. Remind me what my mission is on this planet."
"Ehhh..." - the droid paused, almost in disbelief at the stupidity of his commanding officer.
"Yes, general. Sensors found a small colony of primitive creatures on this planet. You ordered us to land on this planet in order to take a look at the colony and assess if it would be a suitable subject for your experiments."
"Experiments...?"
Before I could continue my line of questioning, our space ship landed on the surface with a slight shake, and the pilot stood up from the control panel, gesturing for me to proceed towards the exit. He came up to a small panel with a touch pad and a small number of buttons, pressing two of them. The door slid upwards and the boarding ramp extended in a downward diagonal towards the surface. Emmm, do we even know if the air is safe for me? Oh whatever, they already opened the door...
As I struggled not to roll down the boarding ramp like a bag of potatoes, I was greeted with a image of a savannah plain scarcely populated by short trees and patches of dry grass.
Wow, a planet that is not Earth. I am actually on a foreign planet with living flora and fauna!
Towards the ship was hobbling a short creature resembling an old lemur with humanoid facial features, wearing a yellow robe and a necklace with some clay-colored stones. His elderly features made him look more peaceful and helped me not to freak out at the sight of a potentially dangerous humanoid lemur alien. For some reason old people just put me at ease.
Accompanied by several regular and super battle droids, I finished going down the ramp and made my first steps on the surface of this unknown world. The lemur stopped at a short distance from the ramp and looked at me with reserve, somewhat expectantly.
Is he not going to introduce himself? Or maybe given my higher standing I have the privilege of introducing myself first? Doubt it... He is probably waiting for me to introduce myself because I am the one who came uninvited, so he simply wants to find out what in the world I am doing landing next to his colony with a group of armed battle droids. Alright, say it with confidence:
"Khm Khm, greetings. My name is Lord Turd."
The lemur's eyes widened slightly in surprise, but he did not lose his composure. The droid next to me on the other hand turned his head towards me and then towards another droid, in seeming bafflement. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and cleared my throat, surprised by my own idiocy.
"Cough-cough, Lok Durd, is what I meant to say. Lok Durd, a general of the Separatist Alliance." Alright, a slight mishap, but I brought it back.
The elderly lemur finally spoke:
"I am Tee Watt Kaa, leader of this colony. What do you want from us?"
That's a pretty bold statement, provocative even. Looks like we are not exactly welcome here.
"Right, purpose... Our purpose for coming here is... !" Suddenly I felt that this scene was really familiar. Wait a second, a lemur village, a fat Separatist general... Oh sh#t. This is straight out of an Star Wars The Clone Wars episode! First season, second half maybe? Anyways, the episode number is not important. What's important is the fact that I am a Separatist general currently located on the same planet as Anakin Skywalker and his entourage. As that realization dawns on me, my body unconsciously turns around, as if waiting for me to issue a command to my mechanical subordinates to pack our bags and go back to where we came from.
If I stay on this planet, I am f#cked.
* - hyenas have white poop
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DaniilTheWise
DaniilTheWise Hopefully this is the first and the last chapter in which I will dedicate this much time on writing about poop.
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