Chapter 15: Guilt (1.8)
"Why are you apologizing? I'm sorry I couldn't help you sooner but...."
Sky spoke, making Nova refocus on the actual situation at hand. The larger man sat on a chair pulled next to the bed, holding one of Nova's hands with two of his. Big, broad, athletic shoulders hunched in as the man shook, his head hanging down in a way that prevented Nova from seeing his expression.
"Hey... don't cry...." Nova mumbled, his other hand landing gently on Skyler's short black hair in an attempt to comfort him.
"Ha. Haha. You're funny Tristan you know that?"
A mirthless laugh left Skyler's lips. He tilted his head up, using one of his own hands to move the one Tristan had placed on his head down to his chest and over his heart.
The movement revealed a face full of restraint. Eyebrows furrowed, lips stretched in a smile that looked much more painful than a frown. Bloodshot eyes that had heavy bags under them. Brown eyes that seemed flooded with tears but refused to let them fall. Aside from the deep sadness, written on Sky's face was clear frustration and anger.
"...funny? I don't understand-"
"Telling me don't cry. That's really funny. I've spent the last year thinking I could lose you at any moment and never know why. I'm not even the only one who cares about you. Every time we got the chance to see you and you weren't yourself but you pretended to be... Do you know what we did? We all agreed to do our best to let you forget. Everytime we even touched the topic you always said 'It's fine. This is how the industry is. It's nothing.' and switched the subject. Do you know how many times we cried for you Tristan? Do you know how much I love you- how much we love you? And now? Now I get to hear you say don't cry? After all of this? I'm mad. I'm so fucking mad Tristan. I'm mad at everyone who hurt you and the industry that didn't protect you. I'm mad at myself for being so fucking useless that you couldn't even trust me. And- even though I really really really don't want to be- I am so mad at you."
Nova felt a lump in his throat. He swallowed it down and wanted to give the man some sort of explanation but despite the fact that he could feel the original Tristan's left over emotions and guilt he just couldn't get the words out. He couldn't even make the attempt to justify this. Something in his soul itself shook as if it was acknowledging the fact that Tristan wasn't even here anymore. The man was gone. No matter how Nova could possibly try to defend his actions and his mental state the young man had already taken his own life. Nothing would bring him back.
"He- I, I couldn't have, anyone-" Nova stuttered and fumbled whatever he was trying to say. He didn't even know what he was trying to say anymore.
This wasn't the original's emotions overwhelming him. He could feel that guilt and anxiety there but it was more controllable now. Unlike his own feelings. His own guilt. He was faking everything. It's all a lie. He was lying to Skyler. And he would soon be lying to everyone else who had loved Tristan. And, for the sake of his own survival, he had to continue to lie to all of them for the rest of his life in this world.
Nova felt what it was like to be a host for the first time. He wasn't living his life. He was living someone else's. But he had no choice. He really had no choice. It was either be enslaved forever, cease existing, or live a stolen life. For the sake of his own sanity Nova chose to not acknowledge the fact that those three options were options. They were choices he could've made.
He could've given up and stayed a system for eternity. He could've asked the thing in the void to completely end him. But he was selfish and greedy so like all living things would do he simply chose to live.
Tears cascaded down a tired, abused face. Nova couldn't speak. He had to convince himself that this was his only choice and he wasn't doing anything wrong. That the tears were from Tristan's guilt and not his own guilt for taking over the man's life.
Sky knew nothing of Nova's internal turmoil. In fact, he didn't even know that anyone named Nova existed. So he saw the tears and brushed them away with his hand. Assuming the tears were because of what he had said, he tried to keep his tone soft and understanding even though he was reprimanding his friend.
"I know that your family isn't really a family. But Tristan, you always had your friends. What are we to you? Did you think that we're blind? Or just that we cared so little about you that we couldn't see you losing yourself?"
"I didn't think. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry-" Nova muttered in a rush almost hyperventilating. Not that he would've known what he had said if you asked him, his mind was somewhere else entirely. He promised himself that he would at least try to live without fear in this life. Without fearing the hospital or that evil woman or leaving the house or being a danger to himself. No more fear. Not anymore now that he was here. That was the least he could do.
He had zero advantages here. He couldn't be like those hosts who promised to accomplish all the hopes and dreams of the original owner's when he didn't even know what they were and could barely survive as is. He had to remind himself to be a bit colder. A bit more uncaring. You had to first have strength to be able to worry about other people. Right now Nova had nothing. He couldn't afford to have those kind of thoughts that would make him reluctant to do what needed to be done.
"Hey, calm down. Breathe....I don't want to push you. But I don't want you to close yourself off again. We should tell Emma and the rest of them what's going on. You went about this the wrong way Tristan. What even was your plan?"
"...to deal with it myself." Nova barely managed to breathe the words out.
"Yeah 'deal with it myself' until you leave all of us behind? Until one of us breaks your door down and finds your bathroom bloody and your body cold and all that's left in your room is a bunch of shitty brand names you never even liked wearing!?"
Skyler saw that Tristan seemed frozen in place. Not even reacting when he accidentally raised his voice. Just staring and crying. A deep sadness and guilt in his eyes that made Sky feel like he was peeking into the vulnerable part of his soul. The man had been through so much. Sky was upset but didn't want to scare him off. He took a deep breath and slowly unclenched his teeth. Trying to calm down while still making his point heard.
"That wasn't a plan Tristan. Anything that gets you hurt or ends with you suffering or dead? That's not a fucking plan Tristan!! Don't you ever even think about something like that anymore!"
"....." No response. Just more tears. Because what was Nova supposed to say to that? To all of that love? The good thing was that Tristan probably would've had the same reaction. At least, Skyler didn't find it strange in the slightest after all he had been through.
Sky sighed. He didn't want to blame Tristan. Obviously he wasn't in a clear state of mind right now and hadn't been for the last year. Being constantly assaulted, harassed, stalked and even missing out on the career he wanted so badly.... But what happened wasn't only about him.
It was also about everyone who loved the man. Everyone who was heartbroken to see him losing himself. Everyone who was so consumed with guilt every time they nearly lost him to the self harm.
Tristan was so good to everyone. Always there for them in their hardest times. Their group of friends were closer than a family. Families stayed together out of obligation to their own blood. They had stuck together because all they had was each other. No one knew what to do when the one person who has always been the most confident and self assured suddenly became withdrawn and a danger to himself.
Sky didn't want to blame Tristan. But he also couldn't completely let him off the hook. He had to knock some sense into the man's head and make sure he knew to rely on others or else if something like this ever happened again, another near death experience, Skyler would feel like it was his own fault for the rest of his life. And to be honest, he didn't know how he would live without Tristan in his life if it got to this point again. According to all medical knowledge Tristan was more likely to be dead than alive right now. At least that's what the medical professionals had told him. Leaving him terrified for hours while in the waiting room.
Sky looked at the man on the hospital bed who was awkwardly looking around the room. Just as he was about to open his mouth to break the silence there was a gentle knock at the doorway. The sweet nurse from before poked her head around the corner and said to Tristan,
"Tristan? There's a Mr. Maxwell who's here to see you..."
CREATORS' THOUGHTS 
That_Little_Prince
That_Little_Prince Thanks to Art1fact, MareBelloFiore, Jenva, and Ellie_Ethereal for the powerstones! Another big thank you to Jenva for the comments and the review. I was really busy last month with no time to write. I missed this story so much. Excited to get back into it. There's a lot of plot that's going to be revealed next chapter! I always thought the entire transmigration thing is somewhat morally questionable no matter how the system works to be honest. I haven't seen a transmigrator protagonist have the internal struggle that Nova is having. I've seen those kind of thoughts touched on before but stories never seem to go in depth about it. Nova is going to deal with this and overcome it in his own way.... Whether it's a healthy way or not has yet to be seen~
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