Chapter 64: Turn me around and inside out. Bleeding and beating. Tell me, under my skin, I'm still worth something
Not everything is useful.
That much was obvious. Even without the wasted dreams, wasted sleep.
The pocket of storm and rain wasn't over quite yet.
But Sophie was in a good mood as of late.
Either at the turn of events, recovery from her cold, or just getting the damn fucked too used to waking up somewhere else. You can get used to anything, as terrible as it may be.
Sophie would know.
Stretching lazily, she looks around her surroundings with a nonchalance and luxury that she doesn't afford much to herself in real life. Out in the waking world it was all about surveillance. Knowing yourself, your surroundings, at any and all times. Always ready for something, anything. Even when you feel safe, secure, you aren't.
Never let your guard down. Sophie knows too many times it hasn't turned out pretty. Far too many. It doesn't matter if it's a waste, a drain. Probably nothing, others would say.
That's what characters in horror movies tend to say a few minutes before they're brutally attacked, killed if they're lucky.
No one knows when they're in a horror. They just are.
But this? This supernatural shit? Sophie's getting used to it, and she'll drain the gift in the mouth of a snake. After all, it's just a dream. A memory. Nothing can hurt her that she hasn't already been torn apart from before.
The placement and settings of her dreams were scattered and random. Like pages of her life, torn and ripped up then tossed into a grab bag to try one's luck. When she ends up and where? It's hard, hell impossible to predict.
Only that it's a place she's already been to before.
This time it's at least on a decent seat and not on the pavement floor or some shit.
Smoke filled the air. But in the obnoxiously delicious way.
The noise was everywhere, from the speakers to the dinner side conversations and busy waiters bussing around. People packed and seated like rush hour. Tongs clinked as did drinking glasses, the sizzle of meat and char.
Ah yes, a local Japanese barbeque shop. Even if she couldn't obviously see her surroundings and she would still figure out it was such a restaurant on the smell alone. Charcoal and grilling meats easily permeating everything, even your clothes.
Sophie swallowed back the bit of saliva that naturally started producing in her mouth.
Numb, dumb and fucked up, people still had to eat.
Her dreams weren't exactly the place to sit back and grab a bite. They had food in the cave. Enough. Sophie made sure of it. It was stocked up to keep them reasonably healthy, to survive.
Foraged root. Foraged starches and vegetables. Herbs plucked green and brown. If you can find them. There was absolutely no choice but to live off the land.
There was no time to smoke or prepare any meat from hunts. Fish yes, that could be salted and dried relatively easily. The smaller ones were less of a risk and could be used as a stock base for soups and stews if anything. They did what they could in between all the building and prep.
The rationed but clearly diminishing stores of rice and other modern items. Meant to last the long haul. The seasoning could stretch out for years if they were careful.
That gym vending machine wasn't for nothing either. Sophie will take it, backlash and all.
But there was a huge difference between survival and modern paid gluttony. Delivery isn't a thing and yeah, they weren't getting A-5 steaks out there on the island.
Hell, a cheap package of instant noodles was the equivalent of gold.
Anything that survived and lasted them in all the years. Souvenir jams and jars. Unexpected new delicacies that were packed away in people's luggage. The nuggets of precious modern material. Every lost unopened luggage an unknown treasure chest.
It wouldn't take that much longer for people to kill for those limited supplies. Sophie sure had.
Smoke grilled and people chattered pleasantly all around her, over her musings. As if she wasn't there. As if she were the smoke itself. Lingering.
"Oh oh oh my god, and then Darren was all 'I can do it better' so I climbed Lexter's back when he wasn't looking and swung like a monkey and that scared -" a young and loud voice was blabbering in the way only her little sister could as a child.
A much smaller version of June sat nearby, still young enough to be eating the youth prices. The girl scooped up a bunch of steaming meat on the hot plate, only to miss her own mouth from talking.
The table laughed. People Sophie could identify as her own god damn cousins and a smaller gangly Mattie without his glasses. The barbeque smoke fogged them up too much, and he squinted without them at the little girl with a grimace. Their older cousins laughed, either at the playground story or a messy grade school June, gasping and pouting over the clumsily dropped meat.
A common scene among many in the restaurant. A happy table.
Just missing one dumb little bitch.
There wasn't anyone else to blame. Just herself. Sophie could admit that much. Who doesn't want to just forget a certain part of their youth?
Right on time, a young teenage girl came out of the restroom area. Simply walking down the busy corridor. Her modest dress was simple but refreshing, hugging the budding curves of her proud growth. The careful curls of fruit and flower shampoo scented hair bounced slightly at her back. A rosy complexion and a seemingly sweet smile on pink glossed lips. Like a fresh spring flower at its earliest bloom. Most people wouldn't notice, more focused on themselves and their meal, but the occasional hormonal boys and observant women did.
After all, didn't everyone like beauty?
In some way, shape or form.
There was no sin in looking. Wanting. Comparing. Beautiful things were just that and were there to be enjoyed. Makes the world a shinier prettier place to look at.
Value was subjective. Value was a gamble at every turn.
A woman rushed out of her seat and down the hall. She looked to be in a clumsy hurry, barely wiping her mouth with a napkin after her last bite.
To be honest, the teenaged girl saw her coming. Hard not to when the older woman was barreling out and down. But with the natural arrogance that was afforded to many young and stubborn girls, she didn't see why she had to jump out of the way for such a rude person. It was too much effort to squeeze to some corner, she would be awkwardly into someone's seating area.
Sure she didn't take up much space, nor would a nearby table of college-age boys or a table with a small family mind it. But she just didn't want to.
Sophie silently groaned at watching herself.
Apparently, tonight was a certain type of nightmare she hadn't had in a while. The cringe kind, featuring her much younger and dumber self.
The other woman most certainly hit the teenage version of Sophie head-on with the girth of her entire body. Since she was a much larger woman, when she stepped back the flesh of her stomach and chest rippled and bounced for a few seconds afterward.
Very good insulation and protective layer. The current dream invading Sophie very much approved of that. As long as she worked and not just ate, a strong and fat nutrient-packed person like that would last a decent time on the island so long as nothing killed her. Very good.
If Sophie was given even a bit more time before her flight to hell, she would have stuffed herself with more of an intense feast to bulk up. But you work with what you've got.
The small girl that fell on the floor was barely out of childhood. All she had for her was her pitiful youth and beauty. Looking delicate and weak.
That was more than enough to cause a commotion.
"What the- watch where you're going." the woman made to step over her since she couldn't quite fit around.
Maybe she really had to use the bathroom? Maybe she was also a shitty person. Who knows and no one cares. Sophie will give her younger self that much credit, this was not the most pleasant person to deal with.
It still makes her grimace and gag to watch herself pull off some innocent baby deer bullshit from the floor.
The teenager yelped as if in pain, backing up with a whimper and a teary look in her eyes. As if the big woman had pushed her over, which she did, and was bout to stomp all over her. She was so small and petite, the pale of her smooth legs contrasted against the dark dirty floor. Rather than no one being able to see her, it only made the closest witnesses shake their heads and stand up. Unable to take such a sight of someone so young and pitiful being bullied.
"You watch it!? You pushed someone over and you don't even have the basic decency to say sorry?" some outspoken woman, perhaps a young mother, stepped out to block the offending woman. First, before anyone else got to it.
There was no need to describe the following chain of too predictable events. An increasing flow of the crowd, made from dissatisfied diners. A girl visibly holding back her tears, because yeah why the hell not. Work that atmosphere.
There's no real reason. No enemy to hunt, no grudges.
People will make trouble. Humans will create conflicts. Things can and will always escalate.
It's a boring story.
Someone pulls out their cell phone camera. Someone gets publicly embarrassed, before storming away. A manager comes down to deal with it and settle the floor.
And Sophie won. Cute petty little Sophie won. Brushing off the dust on her little skirt, flipping the soft of her hair. She blinked up teary eyed, apologizing for all the trouble as more than one person carefully escorted her back to her own concerned party. Treating her between the mix of a child and a delicate breakable maiden.
Somewhere underneath that innocent face, was a smug and arrogant little bitch in the making.
There was no real reason for it at all.
Deep down, Sophie knows there's a reason she of all people survived the years on that island. Not June. Not Mattie. Her.
Something essentially missing. Something strange.
An employee comes over to their table to apologize. Easy offers of free desserts later for them. That's what all restaurants do to appease their messes, keep the desserts and coupons on standby.
A childish June cheers while the table gives a mix of nods, thanks, and awkward acceptance. A nearby table sends them another plate order of food. Mattie eats it up no problem. The manager resolves the other side, coming to inform them of the compensation discount taken. The small favors adding up.
Sophie stares long and hard at the modestly smiling girl. Like seeing yourself, not a reflection, but you as you actually are. Everything a little off from how the mirror flips things around. You might not even recognize yourself at first, but ultimately you do. It's unsettling.
"It's not that easy," Sophie says to no one, not that they can hear her, holding her own chin up at the table.
"Life isn't that easy. You can't control a thing. All you have is blissful ignorance. "
The girl continues to laugh and eat. Not hearing a thing. Not hearing herself, her future.
It would be strange if she could.
Sophie pats the girl in the face, hand going right through her. Typical.
"How stupid. I almost miss being you. " Sophie sighs, leaning back.
It would have been nice, if she had gone back much further. If she could have tasted what life was like back then, one last time. Fucked up yes. Something inside would always be fucked up no matter what. Just to various degrees.
But it would have been nice to be a part of the scene. Part of a normal family. Not just a stranger looking back in through time.
What a luxury it is to have thoughts like this.
Lingering in the past wasn't entirely useless though. It wouldn't do to stay, not when it does nothing towards the future. But not entirely useless at all.
There was a time for everything, and Sophie watches them finish up and leave. Outside, a small June runs off in good spirits from the tasty meal. Mattie shivered, hands in his too thin jacket pocket out into the night air, leaving the warm restaurant.
Sophie signed. That was that.
Time to get to work.
Sophie had plenty of time to scan her surroundings, making her choices. One-touch. Maybe two if you considered what she could grab with both hands. Something still to be tested.
If she was her sister, she may have grabbed what seemed tastiest. A thick lovely platter or sliced and marinated meat, that just needed to be cooked up. An understandable choice, ruled by the stomach.
But then that was only one plate. A few bites and it's gone. That's all she would get.
If she was her brother, he would take the time to think. Observing everything for its best advantage to him. A much more practical person. The kind Sophie needs, can't do without, to support and work with her.
Furniture. Tools. Things that could last and be used. The metal tongs on the tables. The charcoal grills. An economic shopper's choice.
Not bad.
But Sophie is a bit, or a lot, more shameless than that.
She brushes past the aisles on the floor. Past tables, diners, and workers alike. She doesn't risk a thing, keeping her hands careful and steps even stabler. Waits for the flinging doors of servers going back and forth between the kitchen and dining area to slide right to the other side.
That's better, Sophie thinks to herself. Much better tools in here.
But maybe another day, night, whatever.
Sophie heads to the back. Away from the fires and prep stations of busy workers. The air getting clear, colder. To the darker less-frequented area of the restaurant's storage. She dodges the few people passing through even if she doesn't know if she needs to or not. No risk. There was no room to play in this present of hers.
She can't afford to be June nor Mattie. She can't be anyone normal or sensible.
She can only rely on herself.
This power was a gift yes, a treasure. But the rest depended on her, and how they use it.
In the back storage, Sophie doesn't bother with anything in the freezer or cold rooms. There was no way to keep anything perishable for long. Even in the cool of the caves. She makes her rounds and inspections. Once. Twice. Never too many times when you had to be fucking careful, had to be sure.
Every little bit helps. Small or large items, one touch added up over time. This was what Sophie could fill their nest with. Making surviving all the more likely.
The grilling charcoals then.
Uniform quality lumps. Hardwood briquettes imported and stacked neatly in their boxed packaging across the ground and up shelving units. Easy to pack, store, and sort. Burns for longer, hotter. That's the point of anyone paying for lumps of burnt wood. No one was making this quality on the island, no matter how much time they had in the world.
The metal shelf, and whatever miscellaneous stuff on top, can come as a bonus.
Sophie grabbed at the sides, practically hugging the thing. Then counted the seconds before the air goes to smoke, and it fades to ash.
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"One day, I will stop screaming and panicking when this happens. But today is not that day." a teenage girl stared. Toothbrush sticking out her mouth, a rising cup in hand.
She was much taller, and more attractive than Sophie had been at that age. Hell any age. DNA denied Sophie a lot of things apparently. She only had her amazingly messed up personality and this shit going for her.
"Surprise," Sophie says blandly, rubbing her groggy head. Both from waking up too suddenly and the surefire backlash.
Next time, an eventual next time, she's robbing a shelving unit of pain killers and medication. There was never going to be too much supplies, let alone stuff like that. She takes a shuddering breath from the tiresome pain, but already long made the resolution. No matter how much suffering. She was going to arm them with the best resources and chances she could.
"New chore on the itinerary today. Organize and pack away that." Sophies directs her sister to the sudden new....delivery.
They were going to need to unload the boxes and the heavy weights before getting the rest of it. But the more stuff they had, the more quality items, the better. It was going to be worth it, Sophie reasoned.
"Holy shit!" Mattie walks in right at this moment, fresh-faced and cleaned up ready for the day. He ran up naturally to check out the new goods, perhaps overly excitedly.
Sophie suspects he may be beginning to see her sacrifices as mail-in delivery. Yet she can't blame him.
"Uh...why do I smell yakitori? " June continues to gape, finally gathering her wits enough to not choke on her own toothbrush.
"...I wonder. " Sophie rubs her temple, kicking sheets and reaching for the aspirin and flask of water. Her regular bedside drawer contents, even if they didn't have any drawers.
"Hooooly, Sophie I love you. " Mattie declared almost reverently.
She knows that yes, but not why.
"...for the charcoal?" she gulps down.
"Oh that's why it smells familiar, like grilled meats. Wait, did you bring food? Like 'food' food?" June concludes, also turning to her with a greed that only a teenaged metabolism can afford.
"No, the shelf! You brought me such a beautiful shelf unit! Is it stainless steel? Oh, oh it's soooo sturdy and there's no rust. Oh, this will be so good and easy to clean. No more boxes and rocks, or splinters. A shelf!" Mattie goes, even more, enthusiastic than Sophie could have imagined.
Maybe the island and isolation between them were already getting to him mentally. Maybe he was just like that. The damn teenager.
"Dude, are you swooning over a plain shelf?" June was helping by looking through the contents.
"June. I would punch you in the face for a trip to Ikea right now. " Mattie admits with no hesitation.
"Wow. Thanks, bro. Sophie, you gonna be ok? Need anything? "
"A shelf! Hell yeah. Sophie, you can bring all the shelves and furniture you want through your creepy dreams, I completely love and support you. Oh damn that's a lot of charcoal, huh, that's useful."
"...Just start...getting it out of here." Sophie shuffles out from her 'bed room'.
Really nothing more than a dedicated empty space for her things and potentially more things. The 'bed', raised bamboo off the ground, semi-soft leaves, and their sleeping bag was still better than what most people had down below.
Also on the list, now that she had the freaky option. Next next whenever the time, she was stealing beds.
She was going to live like a queen hamster in this cave nest. And if anyone dared to interfere, well then.
That will also be fun. In its own way.
She groggily made her way to the 'bathroom'. The designated for their cleanups with the drainable soil and river stones that Mattie lined the floor with.
That's where she walked in, right as a stranger walked out.
A stranger in his own body.
At least he was finally clean. Silent, still processing and just as volatile and dangerous as any day of the week. That's how Leon has always been.
But it was better. That's what the magic of small comforts like a decently safe place to sleep, hot water for a shower, and not starving out your mind, could do for a person. Especially when you were already in a bad spot. Weak. Vulnerable.
Humans were such simple and cheap creatures at the core.
"One through ten? " Sophie bites out, keeping it curt.
In between the bathroom was not the time or place for any more deep important talks. Not without a load more alcohol in their bloodstream, and definitely not at any morning hours they were too tired to deal with.
"Five." The boy rubs a towel over his neck and still dripping hair. Already taking full advantage of making himself as comfortable as possible.
Five. Five on the scale of how awful a state they were in. Riding off the venom like a case of bad food poisoning. Both of them thankfully knowing how it goes. No need for explanations between them when it came to this.
It was almost routine. As if it wasn't god damn impossible in the first place. Two survivors in one place, back at it again.
"Fit to work?" Sophie raises, questioning quietly.
"No. Not unless you got another vending machine to break into." he snarkily answers back.
Thankfully with something that Sophie can translate well enough to 'yes, but no heavy work'. His younger body and still fragile health forced him to be honest about his current state. Leon wasn't making it through anything as he was now. Just a sick weak child and far too unprepared. Wouldn't even be a good hunt, not enough meat on his bones. The field mice would be better for eating.
"Mattie let you borrow clothes, or are we dealing with more swiping charges later?" Sophie looked at the kid up and down. Barefoot and in nothing but basketball shorts and a T-shirt, too large yes but comfortable and clean.
Leon said nothing. Answering with a look to the slightly moist shower room and a wave of the towel.
Sophie nodded.
Trust her own brother to threaten a stranger, a murderer even, to bathe or else.
Can't imagine Leon giving much of a response besides just taking the free hot shower. But Leon looked better for it, and he was. Refreshed in a way beyond freshly washed hair and skin not stinking of his own blood, grime, and sweat. Not that there was much on the child.
"Dry off properly. Don't catch a cold. We can't afford it and it hurts enough. Alright? Knock off on the couch if you're too weak to do anything." Sophie pats the short boy's stiff shoulder, as she passes.
"And don't traumatize them. Not yet at least. They got work to do." she barks out, drawing the privacy curtain in place of a door.
One day at a time. They could only take this day by day, hour by hour, figuring it out as they go.
Nothing big or major. But it will add up. That was perhaps the only way to approach life realistically.
The trouble down below doesn't have to affect them. Especially right now.
She spits her teeth clean. There are no mirrors here. But if there was, she would see a reflected bitch. Someone she terribly hates, and can't help but be grateful for.
A terrible pretty little girl.
A dangerous and deranged old woman.
Every iteration of every year she's lived and survived. Emotionless. Fake. As unfeeling as scar tissue. As warped and painful as fresh burns. Always hungry, even when caged and tamed.
Hungry.
Sophie closes her eyes and does not will it back. Does not ignore the outside voices and swirling pain of her head, of anything. The memories. The effects. Who she was and who she still is.
Just take it. Then let it go. Keep what you need.
"I don't miss being me. " she laughs low to herself, tasting blood and swollen gums.
She wasn't a good person. She never was! Not ever! Good people don't think like she does. Good people don't lack the feelings she does.
But good people, don't even really exist?
No one was inherently good nor bad.
Sophie wasn't good, and she wasn't evil. That messed up teenage girl, high on her own petty power, was neither normal nor abnormal. That's just what some people did. The fat woman that ran into her wasn't at fault, nor was she innocent. All the people that stood up for Sophie then weren't inherently good either, only one face, one side, shown to a single girl that night.
They were just human.
Slabs of meat, of various qualities. Playing as if they were crafted by something higher, had a point. Had 'morals'. How funny.
How so very funny.
"My shelf! Welcome beautiful, to your new home." Mattie's voice sounds out, echoing through the cave in his joy.
Even Sophie had to snort at that.
There was no big good or bad. It's so easy, too easy even, to put labels on something. People. Circumstances. The choices they made. Life didn't put a gun to your head and make you pick good or bad. People were all terrible.
Even the dork outside.
So what if it mattered that she was a little naturally worse than the lot? Even back then? It didn't.
Besides, it's not like she was the worst case her doctors have seen. So why the hell not?
She doesn't miss who she used to be. Any of them, at any age. Envious of what they had maybe. What she's lost. But want and envy were also normal, natural. So long as your body or mind is alive, you will always hunger. For food. For more.
Why not embrace the chaos?
She stifles her laughter, clutching her head in pain. Slowly dropping her knees, she moves her arms to rub her own sides, covering her internal organs. For absolutely no reason! Breathless laughter in an open-mouthed smile. It hurt, it hurts, it hurts. She's alive and it hurts so bad.
The floor was stone cold and her flesh was so warm in comparison. She scratched. Scratched and scratched at the itch that can't be satisfied.
Not at herself, no. No more marks.
Can't leave marks and evidence, that would be stupid. What if people see? Then she's not a very good bait and trap anymore. Then she can't play along anymore. Power. Everything and anything can be power. That stupid little girl and her barely better than average beauty was something of pure power.
She scratched and felt the horrible scrape. Could see it as white lines the size of her blunted fingernails formed into the stone floor. Like a school desk rubbed too many times by the student's pencil. Indented. Scaped and clawed in.
Her fingers were pink and white in parts, like a peppermint candy.
Ah, she can stock up on candy. Wouldn't that be sweet? Leon would like that right? So many people would. What currency. What power. She could almost taste it grinding between her teeth.
Candy is so much better than bone. Bone and copper. Tastes so much better. But it doesn't scream. It can't scream and beg futilely as you bite, dissolving under your tongue.
Sophie scratches and laughs, dunking her swelling fingertips into a bucket of cold water. The flesh begins to rub raw.
She doesn't even try to get it together.
A drunk that tries to act straight and sober only gives themselves away. You dance. You lie. You have a damn good time. Pull others into the flow so they question themselves. Follow what the blood and nerves sing for you to do. Why fight when it makes it all the more natural?
"Sophie? You okay in there?" June's voice calls, none the wiser on the mess spiraling inside.
None the wiser just how awful her sister really is. Or maybe she always knew and just didn't care. Not if it came with free dessert! That's fine, that's more than fine.
Sophie dunked her face. Cold water shocking the insanity in place. Lets out one last scream because it hurts, it hurts, it's not just her damn head that hurts. Something clawing, scratching. It's not inside her it is her. Hilarious. Just so damn funny and she's so glad it hurts.
"Yeah. Mattie's just so ridiculous, had me laughing too much even though it hurts. " Sophie dried off her face, stepping out of the bathroom. A sharp too wide smile hidden between the cloth.
No one would be none the wiser. Not to the marks on the floor. Not to the thoughts in her head.
Not that it matters.
They all had their sides. Each and every one of them.
"Tada! How does it look here? Or should I move it more to the back. But right now it looks so much nicer in the kitchen. This organization lifesaver. " Mattie had already gotten the thing bare from what Sophie brought over. Now rearranging their mock kitchen space.
"I feel ya sis," June cringes, watching the scene.
From somewhere under a towel, a small boy with large brown cat eyes watches on. Silent.
Or well, he was silent.
"You died because some ugly bitch grinded up on you once. Then her stupid man went apeshit on you. Smashed you up in caveman style. Then sometime later a hungry group tried digging you up to make stew. Rotting green isn't your color. " the boy stated matter of factly.
So blankly, that Mattie dropped whatever he was holding. Letting it go splat on the cave floor as he slowly turned over to face the boy who just verbally spoke to him for the first time.
"Yeah, like that." Leon indicated the sad thing on the ground.
"Oh my god, it speaks. Oh my god, Mattie, ew." June gaped.
Don't traumatize them. The one thing Sophie told that brat. Now here they were. Sophie didn't know whether to laugh, sigh, or start making herself oatmeal out of painkillers and aspirin.
Just one hour, one day, at a time.
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