Chapter 33: Apology
Cordelia followed Beni downstairs, not wanting to be far from him. Keeping herself hidden behind the front door of the apothecary, she felt the rough wood on her forehead as she pushed it hard into the door. The emotional distress she was under made her sensitive to everything around her. Feeling unstable and disorientated, her control over her mana frayed, leaving her feeling raw and exposed to the energy of the whole world. It was overwhelming and frightening. Like dominoes about to fall, she felt dangerously lost in not only her own emotions but also the chaotic energy of the city currently celebrating the festival. It felt like she was trying to swim against a violent raging river.
Benoni sat on the porch. Still and silent. He had tried to help contain the dangerous amount of mana leaking from her by enveloping the apothecary with his own power, blocking some of the energy that flowed naturally threw the world. The action, while slightly suffocating, helped her regain some sensibility over her own emotions. But Cordelia still felt raw and unhinged as if any small distress would cause her to slip dangerously into the rushing current. She hadn't felt this vulnerable and dangerously unstable in a very, very long time.
Lyonis arrived outside moments before, trying and failing to get past Beni and his barrier. She could hear him pleading with the cat outside. But Beni blocked the words from her. She scratched her forehead across the rough door, hoping the sting of the wood would pull her to her senses. It didn't. Instead, knowing that Lyonis was just on the other side of the door seemed to renew the wound in her heart, and she swallowed the lump forming in her throat. Beni was there, in her mind, encouraging her to remain calm and collected. But he was muffled - as if she was lost in a dense fog and couldn't find her way back. Part of her wanted to chase that quiet feeling, to let herself be carried along in the current, to finally lose the fragile sense of self she had been clinging to all her life. The thought of finally giving in to whatever evil thing had clung to her ever since she was a child felt like an easy out. If it took her away from these awful sensations, maybe it wasn't so bad. A cool quietness filled her head, and she went blank.
Unexpectedly, a warmth reached her from the darkness. It wrapped itself around her like a hug - familiar yet distant, new and bright like the rising sun. Lyonis's voice reached her clear as day as if he were standing right behind her, "Cordelia... I know you can feel me..." Her eyes shot open and before she realized what had happened, the door opened in front of her, and she was staring into warm amber eyes.
There was apologetic concern on his handsome face. He had been kneeling in front of Beni and stood up before taking a single step toward her. She backed away, fighting the urge to run into his arms. Looking at his handsome, sad face made her mad. The fact that she still yearned for him made her even angrier. There was no excuse for his actions, and even though she was undoubtedly drawn to him, even though she wanted so badly to be comforted by his warm embrace. He had lied to her. She could not forgive him so easily. It would be easier to wash her hands of the whole experience and be done with it, with him, forever.
"Don't you dare." The words left her lips in a hiss, and she was surprised by how angry she sounded. "Don't. I no longer wish to see you, Commander Tualon. Leave."
"Cordelia... Please..." Another step toward her. The warmth and concern in his eyes encouraged her to give in. But she couldn't. She would not. He was dangerous. He affected her emotions too much, and she knew it would only end in tragedy for him, her and everyone around them. The influence he had on her was unacceptable, her deep feelings for him were unacceptable, and she would no longer allow him to have any hold over her. No matter how beautiful and warm it felt.
'I don't care that I love him!' The thought flashed in her mind, and the realization dawned on her. Love. The single word rang in her ears like a bell, and she felt her skin run cold. No. She could not fall in love with him. She would not let herself. Loving him would only end in further heartbreak, and she had already felt more than enough of that tonight.
"No. Don't come closer... Please. I can't stand this anymore. Just leave me alone." Her voice cracked, exposing her true feelings. Why wasn't Beni stopping him... or her? Could he not see she was suffering? Could he not feel that?! She glanced down at her familiar, and his golden eyes stared back at her from the middle of the street.
'It's ok, Cordelia.' Beni's soft encouragement seemed to unlock something in her, and tears fell like diamonds down her cheeks. 'Hear him out... It's ok... I'll be right here if you need me.'
Traitor.
Beni's sudden change in heart was odd, but she had no time to dwell on it.
Cordelia glanced over at Lyonis, who had taken a few more small steps toward her. The amber irises glimmered at her with anguish. "Please... my love. Let me explain..." He held his arms out to her and took another step. He was almost at the threshold of the door, and she could already feel his mana reaching for her. The intensity of it was too much for her to handle, and panic rose in her chest. Her head was spinning, she began hyperventilating, stumbling as she backed away from him.
The tears fell down her cheeks. She was powerless to stop them. Words escaped her as the flood inside her rose higher. All Cordelia could do was retreat deeper into the apothecary, shaking her head no. She turned to run up the stairs but was stopped as Lyonis's strong, calloused hand grabbed hers, pulling her into a tight hug.
The instant his skin touched hers, she was flooded with the rawness of his mana. The desperation, the anxiety, panic, fear, and an endless longing... all of it crashed over her like a hurricane. Whipping through her mind, shredding her senses. She clutched her chest as white spots flooded her vision, gasping for breath and her knees buckled, but Lyonis supported her easily and held her against him.
She fought against him, pushing and slapping his chest. "Don't fucking touch me!" But Lyonis didn't budge; he held her close to him, whispering quietly in her ear.
"My love... my love. I'm so sorry, Cordelia. I am so, so sorry. I never meant to hurt you... Please... Please let me explain." He caressed her back and stroked her hair, burying his face in her neck. She hated it, but she found herself being soothed by his delicate touches.
"No... Stop." She cried harder - loathing herself for being so weak against him. She couldn't help but melt in his arms, craving the safety and warmth of his touch. Lyonis cupped her face in his hand and kissed the tears falling down her face, rubbing her cheek with his thumb.
"I promise there is no one else but you Cordelia..." Tender lips caressed her soft cheek, and she shuddered away from him, "I know what that looked like, but I swear that woman is nothing to me. I don't even know her name... She is a mere fly on the wall. Nobody compares to you." Lyonis placed the palm of her hand to cup his cheek, he pressed his face into her hand closing his eyes as he tugged her closer with his other arm wrapped firmly around her waist. "My love... Touch me and feel the truth in my words."
A flurry of sentimental warmth reached her from where thier bodies touched, the hopelessness and distressed anguish that Lyonis was enduring seemed to mirror her own tumultuous energy.
"I only want you, Cordelia..." His fondness for her swelled and engulfed her, pushing away all other feelings until her whole body seemed to radiate with his gentle warmth. The tears falling from her cheeks had quieted, and her ragged breath steadied. Closing her eyes she noticed the thumping in her heart seemed to beat alongside Lyonis's and for a moment Cordelia felt at peace. Her mind calmed and the relentless onslaught of mana that had crashed into her without easing, finally seemed to dull as she regained control of her slipping physquie.
"Forgive me..." Lyonis's husky, masculine voice was but a whisper in her ear. Behind closed eyes, she felt him lean in close, his warm breath on her lips, his hand slipped around to carress the back of her neck. A tingling sensation ran across her skin everywhere he touched her and she went to pull away, already feeling the residual raw numbness left over from her panic attack.
But Lyonis wouldn't let her and before she opened her eyes she felt his soft lips brush hers briefly. The tender kiss was filled with reassurance and before she could interject he placed his lips against hers again, letting them linger softly against hers for a few seconds longer.
"Please, forgive me..." The urgency in his voice mimicked his conflicted emotion. The mana inside and around him felt unstable as worry spread through him. He kissed her again, this time with more need, pleading and begging her to give in with the movement of his lips.
Unable to resist, Cordelia finally kissed him back, leaning into his lips and letting herself soften in his arms. The need and want she had been desperately fighting against the entire time beat out the logic, distrust and anger she had felt. An intense wave of relief washed over Lyonis as she succumbed to him. His passionate kiss deepened, pulling her closer to him, tightening his arms around her. His tongue grazed across her lips, feeding the passion that had returned between them.
Even though, deep down Cordelia wanted the kiss to last forever, she couldn't help but recognize the rawness of her physical and mental state. Every touch, every kiss and everything she felt coming from Lyonis felt overwhelming - in an almost destructive way. Tears stung her eyes behind closed eyelids. Her distressed emotional spiral had left her hypersensitive and she was already beyond exhausted. The weight of her body seemed to grow only heavier with each passing moment. She knew she needed a moment to collect herself, to recover from the turmoil her mind and body had just suffered through.
Carefully, she placed a gentle hand on Lyonis's chest and pushed away from him. Blinking her eyes open she tried to stop the tears that fell from her eyes. Worry buried itself in between Lyonis's thick eyebrows and concern burned in his amber eyes, it flared like a flame in his mana. Swallowing back the lump in her throat, Cordelia took a deep breath, steadying herself. Lyonis opened his mouth as if to say something, but quickly silenced the thought behind pursed lips.
"Lyon.... I need a moment," Cordelia averted her eyes from him, knowing the longer she stared into his wanting amber eyes, the more her resolve would crumble. "I am.... too unstable right now. Your energy.... Your mana... it's too much for me to take in... I need a moment to collect myself."
Panic erupted from Lyonis's mana, and the calmness that had started to return to him was quickly replaced with anxious energy - the sudden shift caused Cordelia to shudder and flinch and she couldn't help but push him away. "Please..." Tears fell from her cheeks as if she were in pain and she clutched her hands her her chest.
It seemed to dawn on Lyonis what was happening and he quickly retreated away from her, his large hands gripped her shoulders as he fought the urge to not let her go. But slowly and carefully he lifted them from her body and took a step back away from her. He opened and closed his mouth again, not knowing what to say.
"It's ok... We can revisit this conversation another day." She smiled faintly at him, wanting to comfort him, but also not having the energy to do so.
"Tomorrow..." The word was intended to be a question, but it left Lyonis as a statement. His tone was slightly demanding in his panicked state. He swallowed hard, knowing how blunt and aggressive he just sounded. Trying to calm himself he spoke again, this time with more gentle intentions, "May I come by tomorrow?"
Cordelia didn't know. It would be hard to tell how she would feel in the morning. The thought of juggling both work at the apothecary and her and Lyonis's current state seemed overwhelming. But she knew that the more time and distance put between the conversation, the less she would want to revisit it. The sooner the better.
She nodded at Lyonis, who seemed to settle slightly at her agreement. "Tomorrow evening. After the sun begins to set." Beni had walked into the apothecary. He crept past Lyonis and rubbed up affectionately against Cordelia's legs, soothing her with gentle purring. She reached down to scoop her familiar up in her arms, snuggling into the soft fur. The familiar's presence only solidifying the end of their conversation.
Theodora peeked her head in the front door and cleared her throat before speaking, "Commander..." Her tone was encouraging yet demanding. His time was up for the evening, she had come to take his away. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose before taking another step backward.
"Tomorrow evening," Lyonis's voice was reassured, though he still looked pained as he took another step back, "Sleep well... Cordelia." Theodora grabbed him by the collar. Her blue eyes met hers and she nodded in consolidation before pulling the large man out the door, closing it behind them. Leaving Cordelia and Benoni alone in the dark.
...
Cordelia and Beni did not share any words the remainder of the night. Instead, they climbed the stairs up to her room and crawled into bed in silence. Beni's gentle purring hummed, he enveloped her in his own quiet mana, helping block out the energetic noise of the festival.
Relief and quiet finally caught up with her. She drifted off to sleep.
That night Cordelia dreamt she was running through dark woods, away from something with frantic desperation. She had no idea what she was running from, only knowing that it was paramount she did not let it catch her. The further she ran, the darker and more dense the forest became. Branches and throny brambles caught her dress, tearing the fabric and the skin underneath. It slowed her down and panic swelled in her chest. Every time she looked behind her it was as if whatever was after her was barely out of sight, if she stopped or slowed down for even a second she feared it would reach her.
She ran and ran eventually being pulled away as she felt a firm hand grip her shoulder. She sat up, the suns rays peeking up over the horizon from behind the buildings across the street, her heart thumped aggressively in her chest. Beni blinked up at her with concern, but said nothing. She blinked a few times, and the dream's memory slipped away from her like dust in the wind.
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