Chapter 46: Opening Up
As Renard set Vivian down on the bed, his expression only got more perplexed: the further they'd gotten away from Mae's bedroom, the worse Vivian's crying had gotten. As a result, by the time Renard set her down on the bed she was openly sobbing. Her hands moved up to her eyes to try and wipe away the tears now that they'd reached their destination, but of course it wasn't doing much in the state of her distress.
Taking off Vivian's shoes so that they wouldn't get the sheets too dirty, Renard also took off his own shoes along with his pants. Finishing this chore in record time, he crawled into the bed, laying down next to Vivian and caressing the side of her face.
"Vivian... Talk to me."
She let out a soft whimper at that, turning her body so that she was right up close against Renard. With the way she was crying, she really couldn't talk at the moment, so Renard framed her face with both of his hands, getting her to look at him through eyes that were still spilling tears down her cheeks.
"Come on, deep breaths. Breathe with me."
Taking in a slow deep breath of his own, when he let it out he blew warmth all over Vivian's face. The action somehow comforted her, and soon Vivian was mimicking Renard's motions, though her release of breath came out horribly shaky. Closing her eyes so that she wouldn't feel quite as embarrassed at how much she was failing to do this, she instead used the sound of Renard's breathing as her cue. The two of them breathed together for at least a full minute before Vivian's exhales finally stopped shaking.
The tears had slowed considerably now, and Renard pressed his forehead to Vivian's, softly stroking her cheeks to push away the moisture that had been left behind. Slowly, Vivian blinked her eyes open, but she wasn't looking directly at Renard, instead she was looking down at their feet from what he could tell.
Renard didn't try to force her to look up at him, but what he did do was move his face down to kiss both of her cheeks before returning his forehead to hers.
"There, now that's better."
He was giving her a comforting smile now, but since she was still staring down at their feet there wasn't much of a response from her. She knew that Renard would be expecting an explanation from her, but where would she even begin? This whole night had just kind of wrecked her emotionally, and she wasn't even entirely sure whether she was understanding all of it herself. Lady Dandridge had been attacked, Raine had almost died, she'd been exposed to at least one of the lady's dangerous animals (when her previous experience with the lady's menagerie had been not a whole lot), and Vivian had seen her very first dead man. There was so much that had happened this evening that she didn't know if it was a culmination of everything that had her crying or whether it really was mostly the fact that Raine had almost died.
Renard wasn't pressing her for an answer though, he just stroked her cheeks with his thumbs in a soothing manner, waiting until Vivian herself decided to speak to him. She already knew that he was interested to know what was bothering her, whether she'd actually share or not was a completely different matter. Much to Renard's relief, she did start speaking, albeit in a rather shaky voice.
"I just... I've never witnessed anything like this. I've never had a master almost die, and I've certainly never really cared before whether they lived or died. But today... Today Raine almost died and I--"
Here Vivian cut herself off and clenched her eyes shut because she could feel the tears beginning to form again. All that had gone through her mind as she'd toweled off Raine was that it was very likely that she was witnessing the little girl's last moments alive; even though Mae hadn't outwardly portrayed any panic, the immediacy with which she went about fixing up an elixir for Raine, even despite her seriously injured arm, told Vivian very clearly just how good Raine's chances had been without the elixir.
Renard just watched as Vivian struggled with her feelings, and he was honestly a little bit at a loss. Vivian had cried to him before, but it had always been about how he wasn't a single woman man. The solution to that was to just kind of let it pass on its own; she would stay in his arms and he would reiterate that it would definitely be sad if he ever lost her, but that he wouldn't deprive himself of all the other things in the world either. Eventually her crying would stop and she would move closer to him. This time she was crying about something completely different though, and it felt like the first time that she'd really opened up to him like this.
Instead of saying something immediately back, he moved his arms and bundled her up in a hug. It was a good step one, but step two was the real hard part, mostly because he wasn't sure what step two really was.
If there was any situation where he might wish that he was more like Isaac, this was definitely it. Isaac had always been pretty good at listening and comforting, and while Renard could listen, comforting had never been much of his forte. He much preferred it when he only interacted with people in neutral to good moods. Still, as bad as he was at this, Vivian was important to him, so he was at least going to try something. Picking up on the fact that it was mention of Raine that had gotten Vivian overwhelmed with emotion again, he tried gently probing there.
"Well you've been helping take care of Raine ever since she was born, it's no surprise that what happened tonight has really affected you."
"B-but... But I was never well suited for it, I wasn't that good of a caretaker, so why would I get this attached?"
"Weren't that good of a caretaker?"
Renard looked genuinely surprised to hear her say this, though an image of one of Kyrie's drawings flit through his head. The one where Vivian had looked at the baby with such hateful eyes: had thoughts like that really been so prevalent in Vivian's mind to make her unable to see how she interacted with Raine?
"Why would you say that?"
It was Vivian's turn to look startled at the question, and her eyes scrutinized his face to see if he was making fun of her. Yet, now that she was looking at him, she only saw genuine sincerity on his face. Was her inferiority really not that obvious to him?
"Why...? Renard, I say it because it's true! Kyrie, Lady Dandridge, and even Dessi all have so much more patience than I do. Kyrie's always handled Raine with a sweeter and more loving touch, she didn't get as out of sorts when Raine acted up and she still doesn't, and she did so much better with Raine when she was really young. Raine was always quieter and better behaved when she was around, Kyrie's presence is just a calmer one than mine. I don't think Lady Dandridge needs much of an explanation. Dessi though, she didn't even spend that much time taking care of Raine and yet that girl adores Dessi, and Dessi always seems to have just the right balance between fun and strictness."
Vivian just couldn't help spilling out all of her insecurities now that she'd finally been asked. Well, to be fair, she'd been asked before by both Dessi and Kyrie, but since it was them that she was jealous of she just couldn't tell them. Even with Renard though, she'd been rather reluctant to share of her own accord. She was worried that if she spent so much time complaining to Renard about all the things that bothered her then he would think significantly less of her. Plus it was... Well, it was a complete 180 from how she usually portrayed herself. Her confidence and outgoing nature had been carefully crafted to be able to hide the numerous insecurities that she had about herself, insecurities that she didn't want other people to see. Yet here she was, revealing these carefully hidden flaws to Renard.
Oh what was she doing? He was going to hate her now, he was going to push her away because she was too much of a handful. If she was going to show these vulnerabilities to Renard then he was going to see her as someone who wasn't as fun to hang around anymore, and she didn't want to lose him. Even after he adamantly refused to have a relationship with just her she didn't want to lose him. She loved him, and even though he didn't love her quite the same way it didn't change the fact that she loved him.
Thoughts like these swam through Vivian's head as she went to cover her face with her hands, but before she could do this, Renard had latched onto both of her wrists, pulling them away from her face and startling Vivian with the force behind his movements.
"Have you really never looked at yourself?"
She tried to stammer out a response, but before she could get out anything coherent, Renard spoke over her.
"Because what I see when I look at you is a young woman who will persevere through any hardship; if you're not good enough or aren't doing something right, then it never defeats you, it instead steels you to push through to be better. I have never seen you get cross at Raine or yell at her, and you may see that Raine prefers Kyrie, but what I see is that she prefers you. You are the person that is the most familiar to her, so you're the one that she's the most comfortable around. Around you Raine can really be herself but she has to be on better behavior when others are around. I've seen how naturally Raine comes to you when she wants or needs something, and I've heard her invite you to play more times than I can count. I just can't agree with you when you say you were a bad caretaker, because everything I've seen is evidence to the contrary."
Vivian stared at him open-mouthed for a couple seconds, and soon more tears were falling down her cheeks. These weren't from anxiety or self-loathing though, they were because Renard's words had filled her with a surge of good feeling. The more she thought on the things that he said, the more she could see truth to them, and it both relieved her and made her feel truly happy to know that she was an important and loved part of Raine's life.
Renard could tell that these tears were different, and he loosened his grip on one of her hands to bring his hand up to her cheek and give her a gentle kiss.
"If you only ever look at the field then you will never see the beauty of the individual flower, my dear."
Letting her eyes slowly close, she could still feel tears spilling down her cheeks, but they were going much slower now. Taking another deep breath, she wrapped her arms around Renard then, letting out the breath she'd taken in in a rather deflating burst.
"Do you really think I'm a decent caretaker?"
"I think you are not only decent, but an excellent one."
Vivian's grip on Renard tightened at that, and once again she felt herself overcome with love for the man in her arms. He had seen her insecurities and hadn't been chased away, not even remotely. She still wasn't too keen on showing them to him very often, but it comforted her to know that if she needed someone to vent to then Renard was there.
Perhaps... Perhaps she could have her own child someday.
The misery of Raine's early years had dulled in Vivian's mind now after almost losing the little girl and hearing that she hadn't done as bad of a job as she thought. Renard complimenting her on her caretaking abilities and Kyrie commenting recently on how well she did with the children helped her feel much better about herself, much more like she could actually handle having a child of her own someday. Plus, if she ever had a child then she already had the first 6 years of experience under her belt, and she'd always be a step ahead since she also took care of Raine.
What would Renard even be like as a parent...? As Vivian thought of this she drew upon when Raine and Vivian had been out in the garden and come across Renard. Every time that they'd run into him his face had spread into a wide grin and he'd put down whatever he was doing to approach Vivian with a kiss before leaning down to Raine with a smile. He'd always have a flower or something for Raine, and she would inevitably have questions and want to help and Renard would humor her until she got dirty enough to need to be taken inside for a bath. Surely Renard would be an excellent father if he gave so much care into interaction with Raine who wasn't even his child.
"Would... Would you ever want a child of your own?"
The question had come out horribly muffled from Vivian, because she found that asking him so directly like this was beyond embarrassing. Especially because if he did want a child, then she was likely getting his hopes up for such an option and she still wasn't sure she was entirely sold on the idea. At the same time though, wouldn't it bring them closer together? Wouldn't he have to spend more time with her and their child, effectively sacrificing time that he spent with anyone else? These thoughts appealed to her, which made her feel a little guilty since it was subtly trying to get him to go against his own creed on the matter. Still, it's not like she would ever try and get pregnant behind Renard's back. That just felt... Wrong.
A strange rush of glee ran through him at the question Vivian asked. He knew that the women of the house were doing something to keep themselves from becoming pregnant: Renard had been having sex with Vivian for longer than Raine's lifetime, it would be just unprecedented for her not to be pregnant with how often he came inside her, and if they didn't have some kind of protection he imagined the ladies of the house would show much more apprehension towards that act. Also, all the slaves knew about how Mae had aborted Dessi's pregnancy at this point. He had no idea what it exactly was that the women of the house were doing because honestly, it's never really mattered much to him. Well... To a degree. Ever since Raine was born a hidden part of him had wanted a child of his own but Dessi wasn't interested, Vivian had never brought it up with him, and Kyrie would be an absolute diplomatic nightmare to try with. A part of him had half hoped that whatever precautions they were using would fail, but now here was the possibility of the gates opening completely to him. To have his own child in one of the woman he made love to... He couldn't quite explain it, but the idea appealed to him greatly.
The idea was especially appealing with Vivian: her experience with Raine meant that she already had a pretty good idea of what she was doing. Renard had pretty much nothing to go off of, but being able to shape and mold a child into a functioning member of the world and a future companion seemed like a true delight. Watching Raine grow up had only reinforced that view in his mind.
With Vivian opening up to him like this, Renard was beginning to see that Vivian hadn't brought it up not necessarily because she didn't want a child, but because she didn't think she would be able take care of her baby adequately. If he was able to help her see what a wonderful mother she could be then perhaps that hurdle could be cleared entirely.
"I definitely want a child someday: imagine having something that is made of your own flesh and blood in your arms. Taking care of it and watching it grow would be even more rewarding than working in the garden since I'd be more intimately linked to a baby of mine."
Peeking out from the cover of his chest, Vivian could see that Renard was staring almost wistfully off into the dark. She had thought him to be almost joking when he compared a child to his plants, but it was clear to her now that he wasn't. Even though she knew that he spent a ton of time out in the garden, it hadn't really occurred to her that the plants were that important to him. He never talked about his work, and Vivian had never gotten the impression that it was much more than work to him. Why wouldn't she have gotten that impression though? After all her work was only work, though at the same time, she was slowly opening her eyes to the fact that taking care of Raine was more than just work for her. She was creating a bond with that girl, and perhaps that's what it was like for Renard and his flowers.
It felt like she was seeing a different side of Renard tonight, and she had to admit that she liked it. She felt closer to him now that she'd seen his concerned face, his angry face, and then later his passion for his work. She wanted to be closer to him, and she wanted to continue to see more than just the usual playful Renard.
Unable to resist, she leaned up to give Renard a slow and longer kiss. Startled out of his own thoughts by this action, one of his hands fell to rest on the small of Vivian's back as he eagerly returned this kiss. Was this a response to his affirmative answer already? Or was this simply Vivian being affectionate after a rough night? His eyes closed during the kiss and he could just feel the exhaustion seeping through his body as he held her; he had to admit, this evening had left him horribly drained as well.
Renard did pull her a little closer, but he didn't have any intentions of trying to deepen the kiss. When Vivian pulled away, there was a fair amount of heat on her cheeks from what he could tell, but she also didn't seem active enough to want to start something. She didn't meet his eye as she spoke, but her words once again sent that pulse of delight through Renard.
"T-then maybe someday..."
She couldn't even finish the thought, but Renard knew exactly what she was trying to say. Lifting her face once again, he gave her a fond smile.
"I would like that."
Not today then, but someday. It was better than the nothing that he'd had before. Leaning in for one more kiss to Vivian, Vivian felt a mixture of elated and nervous now, but more than anything she wanted to stay close to Renard. As their lips connected for one last kiss, it felt like a binding promise to one another, and Vivian closed her eyes once more.
Never had she felt closer to Renard than on this night, and the two of them drifted off in relative contentment compared to when they'd been woken up.
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