Chapter 11: Not For Her
In the months that followed Lady Dandridge's 'return,' the house managed to get into a kind of rhythm again. The rumors that had circulated around town didn't expand beyond just rumors, and the lady kept Raine well hidden in the house for the time being. While the outside world remained none the wiser about Mae's daughter, Vivian was constantly being reminded of the baby's existence.
Like right now, as the child screamed in her arms while Vivian struggled to appease her.
She'd been fed recently, her diaper was changed, and she'd just woken up from a nap: Vivian just couldn't fathom what in the world was wrong with her! Slowly rocking Raine back and forth in her arms, her eyes scrunched up in a bit of irritation as the child just continued on. When she had been quiet at the Lady's side, she had been the most precious thing in the world, but now Vivian found herself struggling not to just drop the baby on the ground and walk away.
It was especially frustrating because she couldn't figure out what Mae did so differently from her.
Whenever Mae was home, she was never very far from Raine; the baby was either in her arms or sleeping nearby in a mobile cradle. Around her mother, Raine hardly ever cried, and if she did it was not for very long. Vivian had watched transfixed as Mae picked up her upset child and knew exactly what to do to get Raine to stop crying. Whether it was a soft tap to the child's back, a gentle rocking, feeding Raine, or a surprisingly musical humming that came from the lady, it always instantly calmed the baby down. It was honestly strange to see; the lady so often showed very little emotion and yet she understand emotion well enough to be able to soothe it. Though... Now that Vivian thought about it, if the lady really had this much empathy then perhaps that's why she treated her slaves so much better than others.
Vivian though... Vivian just didn't have that knack. She'd never bothered to try and understand the perspectives of others before, she had always only ever been concerned with herself. So now that she was in charge of a baby she was struggling immensely. Why in the world had Mae given her this job of all people? Sure Kyrie was the menagerie worker and Dessi was the cook, but she could spend some time in the kitchen instead of Dessi for a bit, couldn't she? Yet... As she thought about Dessi taking over this job because she just couldn't do it, her mood soured all the more. She couldn't just admit that Dessi was better than her at something!
Biting at her lip, she bounced Raine a little more, but the squalling child just wasn't letting up. Perhaps her attempts at soothing the baby were vain: maybe Raine could sense that Vivian wasn't her mother, and as a result she was throwing more of a fit.
… Did babies really work that way though? Surely Vivian should be able to figure out how to get her to stop!
Whatever vague hopes she may have held about having a child of her own had been quite thoroughly quashed in the time she'd had to look after Raine while Mae was out on business. When Mae handled the child, she made it look as easy as the books had made it seem, but for whatever reason, Vivian just couldn't do it very well, and... and it hurt, really.
A mix of tiredness, frustration, and disappointment in herself caused tears to start bubbling up in the edges of her eyes. Blinking furiously, she tried to softly sing a lullaby to Raine but it came out choppy, and her voice broke fairly quickly as she let out an involuntary hiccup of her own. Why couldn't she get this right? What was so wrong with her?!
Softly crying along with the baby as Vivian continued to rock in an effort to soothe Raine, Vivian didn't even look up when she heard a knock at the door. The door was currently open, so the knock was rather unnecessary to Vivian: or at least, it was definitely unnecessary for Kyrie to do that. Keeping her eyes fixed on the baby in her arms, she tried to reign in her tears but she just couldn't seem to get them to stop, even despite the growing dread at who this probably was.
"Vivian, we don't need you crying too."
There was a gentle quality to this voice, but the confirmation of who was at the door caused Vivian to tense up. If it had been Kyrie, Vivian would've released the tears all the more and opened up to her friend, and if it had been Mae then she would've stopped crying immediately and turned pale from a dull fear that the lady would be disappointed. This wasn't Kyrie or Mae though: it was Dessi. Vivian almost wished that it was Mae that had come in: even though she was sure to be critical of Vivian's treatment of Raine, that was much preferable to having the woman she hated see her when she was vulnerable.
While Vivian grappled with her own emotions in an attempt to respond to Dessi, Dessi was already moving forward.
"Let me see her."
For a moment, Vivian tightened her grip on Raine and glared at the intruder. She didn't want to give over a responsibility that was hers to Dessi. Especially if Dessi even had a chance of being able to fix that problem! Still, Raine's cries weren't lessening, and Vivian trembled a little as her grip loosened. Looking down at the face of the clearly suffering baby, she hung her head as she reached out to pass Raine over to her rival.
Vivian refused to look directly at Dessi, instead choosing to look at the ground and bite at the inside of her lip to keep from snapping at the woman. Furiously rubbing at her eyes to get the tears to stop, it didn't do anything aside from make her face a complete mess. Even as she struggled to get her emotions under control, she was still watching Dessi out of the corners of her eyes. A part of her hoped that Dessi would be just as unsuccessful as she was, but at the same time, she kicked herself for thinking that. There was no reason to lengthen Raine's misery because of a petty rivalry.
The first thing that Dessi did, strangely enough, was stick a finger into Raine's mouth. At this Vivian looked up from the ground, her eyes furrowed in concern as she watched what was going on in front of her. Vivian wasn't entirely sure what Dessi was doing, but much to her shock and anger, Raine's cries pretty much stopped as she began to gnaw on Dessi's finger.
"She's teething."
In hindsight, it seemed the most obvious thing in the world: it had been more than a few months since Mae had given birth, so it would make sense that Raine was finally getting her teeth in. Why hadn't she thought of that? It had even been in the books she'd been tasked to read!
The tears fell harder now for Vivian.
"I would make such a terrible mother."
Dessi looked up a bit startled to see Vivian in more distress, but before Vivian could get too much worse Dessi moved over to the younger girl and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. While Vivian did tense up from this action, ultimately she didn't fight to get out of Dessi's grip, she just brought her hands up to cover her face as she held back her sobs.
"Now don't say that. Being a mother isn't exactly easy, you know."
"It is for Lady Dandridge! And even you who has never been a mother knew more about what was wrong with Raine than I did!"
"You know as well as I do that if you start comparing yourself to Lady Dandridge then you'll always find yourself wanting. She's practically a genius with anything that she touches. In regards to me though, I think that has more to do with experience than ability to be a mother. I've been around for almost twice as long as you have, and as a result I've seen a bit more. To expect to make no mistakes your first time doing anything would be absolute folly, Vivian."
Even though Vivian hated the woman who was currently comforting her, the comforting was actually helping. The tears on her cheeks had slowed and she was relaxing into Dessi's thouch. Vivian did hate that Dessi took Renard away from her at times, but the fact of the matter was that Dessi had looked after Vivian since she first began in this house. She had been the one to teach her reading and the manor, and while Vivian would never admit it out loud, there was a certain fondness in her for Dessi. Sure, she had her outbursts and tantrums at the woman, but it was why when it really came down to it Vivian could bite her tongue and just listen. It happened during Mae's pregnancy, and it was happening again now.
Still, it had been a horrible betrayal to learn about how Renard slept with her while also sleeping with Vivian. Vivian had never been able to fully get over that, and the woman who had started out as a mentor and friend became a rival. A rival who refused to back down.
Letting out a soft sigh, Vivian dried her eyes one last time with the sleeve of her dress, and Dessi smiled at her. The smile wasn't returned, in fact there was a sullen pout on Vivian's face, but the comfort was appreciated nonetheless.
"Now, take little Raine and gently massage her gums with your finger, I'll go and get a cool rag for her to chew on."
The child was shifted from one set of arms to the other, and in the interim she scrunched up her face to be so long without something to chew on. When a new finger was given to her, she was perfectly content as she began the soft gnawing once more.
Teething indeed, Vivian thought with a bitterness that she couldn't seem to hold back.
Renard may be interested in having children someday, but Vivian didn't think she was ready. She didn't know that she would ever be ready. She would take care of Raine, and she would do so to the best of her abilities, but she didn't want to have to do this again if she had her own child. Not to mention the labor itself...
Vivian shuddered a little as she recalled all the blood and strain. It had been a complete mess, and while the lady had taken it astonishingly well, Vivian knew that was a poor gauge to measure what it would be like to have a child of her own.
She would keep taking the draught that Mae gave them. Maybe someday she wouldn't take it anymore, if she ever felt brave and competent enough to have a child, but she didn't imagine that would be any time soon.
Weekly Power Status
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