Chapter 24: A Nightmare
What had she done?
Staring into the mirror of the empty room she was cleaning, with a trembling hand Kyrie once again pulled down the nape of her dress to reveal the now quite faded mark that Renard had left there. When she'd woken up in the garden the next morning completely alone, she'd wondered if it had all been some sort of horrible nightmare. Yet, the slight soreness of her body as she moved and their dried sex fluids remained behind to mar her body and reassure her that it had not just been a dream; as much as she wished it had been.
The revulsion she'd felt almost made her throw up right then and there. How could she have let herself do that? How could she face Isaac after this? Or Vivian? Would she even be able to act normal anymore?!
Despite the uncertainty, she knew that she'd have to; she couldn't let on to her friends and her lover that anything was even remotely wrong. If she did... Well... There was no telling what the fall out of that would be.
So when Vivian came by to chat with her Kyrie smiled and nodded like usual, but now there was a heavy knot in her stomach that made her feel sick. The same thing happened with Isaac's little affections; the worst part about this was that she still loved to get affection and love from him. She didn't feel like she was unworthy enough to have to push him away, instead she wanted to lean into his touches and snuggle in close. He was still an immense comfort for her even though she had betrayed his trust so horribly. She undoubtedly still loved him, she hadn't had sex with Renard because her love with Isaac was waning in any way, but if that was the case why...? Why had she let it happen?
She knew that she didn't love Renard, and yet he'd still succeeded in pushing her down. Even though she would admit that Renard had held more interest to her ever since she'd chanced across him in the garden that first time, it had never manifested as physical desire for him! Was she a shameless and wanton woman then? Would just anyone do if they pushed her down regardless of whether she consciously wanted it?
… That didn't seem to sit right with her either.
It was questions like these that haunted Kyrie, and made it difficult for her to truly feel like things were alright. Even after a couple days, Vivian, Dessi, Isaac, and even Renard still acted the exact same to her! It was as if nothing had ever happened out in the garden. The mark was still there on her shoulder though; it was almost gone now, but definitely still there. Even when it did fully fade, Kyrie would remember: she would always remember.
What made it even worse in her mind were the reasons why she would always remember what happened; one would be for how much guilt and self-hatred it caused in her, but the other was for how good it had felt. How was it that it had felt so good when Isaac was the one she loved, not Renard? Did it... Did it have something to do with how he had first revealed all her secrets through her art?
As horrified as she was by that concept, there was nothing that would permanently keep her away from her drawing: even now her hands itched to draw pictures of the encounter that she had with Renard. She couldn't though, she knew that she couldn't: what if another person was like Renard and looked through her notebook without her permission? Or just looked at it by accident? This was a secret she just could not commit to paper, no matter how much she wanted to.
… Why did he have to do this to her? Everything had been just fine before Renard had caught her watching him! She'd been so stupid! She knew she'd been tempting fate by sitting out there watching him for so long and so of course the dice finally rolled unfavorably for her. She should've quit while she was ahead! Or not even done it in the first place!
Roughly covering up her neck once more, she bit the inside of her bottom lip hard to keep herself from crying. Perhaps she could do like Renard had said: this could be their little secret. Yet... Could she really keep something this big to herself? She couldn't just keep hiding it forever, there was no way that would work, not with how much of a wreck it had left her in.
Returning to the dusting almost with a vengeance, Kyrie struggled to think of what she was going to do about this whole situation. She wasn't sure for how long she worked, but a slight tug on her skirt caused her to yelp and drop the duster, looking wide-eyed next to her.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."
Raine's brow was furrowed in concern and Kyrie let out a sigh of relief when she realized who this was. This was one of the few members of the household that she didn't have to be too worried about. Not only was Raine just a child, but she also had nothing to do with the relationships of the slaves.
"It's alright, I should've heard you come in. Is there anything I can help you with?"
"Where's my mother?"
"I believe she's out on one of her routine visits to the mines. She's due back any time now though."
Kyrie took a quick look up at the clock to confirm that statement and promptly nodded. Raine just deflated at that answer though. It was remarkable just how attached Raine was to her mother, any opportunity she could get she was at her mother's side. That usually meant either reading with her mother or spending time in the menagerie, but Raine loved both reading and the animals so she hadn't gotten tired of it yet.
"Oh... Can I sit with you until she gets here?"
"If you'd like, I don't know how exciting I'll be since you're catching me while I'm cleaning today."
Kyrie let out a soft chuckle at that, but as she turned away that smile immediately dropped. She was tired; she wanted to just crawl into her bed, curl up into a little ball and disappear. Was this how Vivian had felt until only recently? This horrible awful sadness? Unlike Vivian though, it wasn't Raine that was causing this despair, it was entirely and completely herself. She hadn't pushed Renard away, she'd succumbed to him more than once that night, she'd been watching Renard in the first place, and she'd betrayed both her lover and her best friend by having sex with Renard. All of these things were just unforgivable acts on her part, and she had no one to blame for them but herself. … Perhaps she could also blame Renard for his interest in her but... But Kyrie really hadn't told him no as clearly as she should've. She'd mostly just let Vivian and Isaac handle that while staying further away from the man. How could Renard still act so normal after betraying his own best friend? Did he even see it as betrayal? Probably not with his more open perspective.
Unbeknownst to her, she was letting out a heavy sigh as her shoulders slumped.
A couple moments later, Kyrie felt that little hand on her leg again.
"Kyrie, are you alright?"
For a moment Kyrie stared in silence at Raine. It was so strange for one of the masters of the house to show concern for a lowly slave. Even though Mae was pretty progressive, all things considered, she still didn't bother getting involved in the personal lives of her slaves. Only when their productivity suffered did she deign to intervene; yet here Raine was, looking up at Kyrie with eyes full of concern. Kyrie felt her face melt into an almost pained smile.
"You are such a sweetheart for worrying about me. It's not anything too bad, I'm just feeling a little down."
As she said this, she gently cupped Raine's cheek and lightly bumped foreheads with the little girl. Kyrie was soon straightening back up after this little sign of affection, and despite the clear signals from Kyrie to stop this line of dialogue, Raine either didn't pick them up or just continued on.
"Mother says that if I ever feel sad then I shouldn't feel afraid to let out that sadness, but she also told me that I should never dwell on it. Just worrying or crying doesn't get anything done, the sadness has to turn to action! Have you let out your sadness yet?"
Kyrie's gaze turned a bit downwards at the question, and the exhaustion that she felt was evident through her body language.
"No... I don't really have a way to let it out..."
"You have no one to talk to? Well I'm here! Or if you don't want to talk then crying can help too. Oh... But you don't have your own room, do you?"
Once again that smile lit up Kyrie's face as she watched Raine try in earnest to help her. Reaching down to lightly ruffle the six year old's hair, Kyrie really had no idea how Vivian had such a problem with Raine. The little girl was absolutely precious, even before she could speak she was adorable. Then again, Kyrie hadn't been with her all day every day so perhaps she was underestimating the effort required to take care of a child.
"Thank you, Raine. I will certainly keep you in mind if I ever need more help in the future."
"But you need help now!"
Raine was rather perceptive: it meant that explanations had to be made for her where with most kids things would go over their head or they'd just forget about it. Kyrie just wasn't sure she should talk to Raine about her specific problems though. Even if she kept things vague, word might get around to Vivian and potentially in turn Isaac and she didn't want that to happen. If they found out that anything in particular was bothering Kyrie then both of them would try to help her with it and that would make things worse.
"You're right... I don't think telling you about what's getting me down will help though. Still, your suggestion has given me a good idea for myself and I think that should help me feel better. So in a way, thank you Raine, for helping me with my problem."
Raine seemed almost disappointed that Kyrie wouldn't confide in her, but she nodded her head in understanding nonetheless.
It was then that the sound of horse's hooves was heard drifting through the open window, and Raine rushed over to the windowsill to look outside. What she saw there of course caused her face to light up with happiness.
"Mother's home! I'm going downstairs to see her!"
As she moved to dart out of the room, she paused at Kyrie once more, gently tugging on the older woman's skirt with a slight look of concern.
"Don't forget to cry though! Just remember to turn it into action afterwards!"
At that Raine smiled brightly at Kyrie before rushing down the stairs to meet her mother. If there was one thing that would derail Raine from whatever she was doing every time it was definitely the presence of her mother.
As Raine left the room, Kyrie ruminated on everything the little girl had said. There was one person that she could potentially confide in in this house. This person had very little contact with Vivian and equally little contact with Isaac: Dessi. Kyrie was pretty sure that if she confided in Dessi, she could trust the older woman to keep her secret. Still... Did she really want to bare her shame to someone else? Even if it was the infamous Dessi who had slept with more people than all of them combined, it was still impossible to think of telling her what happened without being somehow judged for it.
Yet... Keeping this all to herself... Kyrie was sure that would tear her apart as well.
For now Kyrie just went back to her cleaning, but having someone to talk to about what happened was a horribly tempting idea.
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