Chapter 18: I don't understand you !
" Who are you ?"
Upon hearing this, he turned to me with a frown and then asked back while sighing, "That again." After a pause he now added with a raised brow, " What do you mean ?"
I shook my head to the "reply" and said sarcastically, " Oh my, didn't you notice that you suddenly became nice to me ? "
Slowly angered with my behaviour, he retorted, " Is it so wrong to be friendly to a guest? What should I have done then, when I'm interacting with you? "
At once my heart constricted at the word " guest" , as it just indicated that I was now a complete stranger to him after all these years. Even if we didn't like each other much, especially him, I thought we would still share a bit of the so-called affection between us, a slight spark of respect and acceptance at the very least. Just like old acquaintance who finally accepted one's existence despite of many fights because they both overcame their hardships together which precisely made them enjoy each other's presence at the end. That was what I felt back there. He became one of the most important persons as I knew his problems, complexes and burdens and he knew mine as well. At first glance it didn't seem like that, but I knew he kept a close watch over me and also didn't complain about the rumours since it would hurt me. That's why I believed he knew me. I believed he did this for me.
Right, that was what probably would have been. That was what probably should have been. That was my strong believe. That was also the reason why I hoped that he would be by my side in the end. That he would choose me over Luciana one day. That he would realise I was the one person he desired in reality.
But over time this desire for affection soon transformed to acceptance. I would accept it if he had not love me, even when my heart broke many times because of the fact. I just wished for him staying by my side as a friend and companion at least, as we were connected by fate.
…However fate played a wrong game with me and made my closed eyes reopened in front of the obvious truth. The truth that I wasn't his fated one as much as I wanted and I will never be. Ultimately, it was Luciana Bareford.
In all these years of desperation and unrequited love I should now know the best how strong our connection was at the end. My past taught me. Just from these thoughts it froze my already broken heart completely, making me finally realise how stupid I was to believe in something like small warmness between longtime companions. Whereas I saw him as my companion, he saw me as a mere bug like everyone in the mansion before. It was so clear as day but I didn't accept it which was the reason why it led to that end.
After all, I finally understand his coldness towards me. I always failed to see why one could be so cold towards someone despite knowing him so long. Now I did it. In gratitude for his "amazing teaching" I would return his chillness in the same intensity as him.
I stared at him with eyes, devoid of its usual light, my lips closed to the thin line and my face stiffened to stone. To this, Cedric immediately became shocked upon this sight as his eyes widened. His hand now tried to reach for my right shoulder and simultaneously, he asked worriedly, "Are you o-? "
" Just show your usual self for example ? When you first met me here, I sensed hostility from you. That was it. ", I interrupted him.
He staggered and his hand now stopped midway from touching. " What ?", he murmured.
I continued in spite of his obvious confusion while only looking to the front door,
" I was unsure, what reason it was when you suddenly patted my head to comfort me or that you are alright being married to me or that you even helped me with the discussion at the end. You behave like we always get along with each other. What happened to you ?… This is so disgusting."
After that speech I now took a glance at him, still maintaining my cold eyes just the way he always looked at me. Like a bug. He was like a terrible insect. A virus. A curse.
Upon this sight Cedric's pupils immediately began to shake in addition to his already widen eyes and slightly opened mouth. Then I avoided his outstretched hand and took a step back.
The male lead now took his hand away and stared at me with sad eyes. Never did I see so many emotions on his face through my whole life before like now.
" Now.who.are.you ? ", I asked in seriousness with more emphasis on each word. Never would I believe someone like him was capable to be gentle with me.
Cedric just continued to look at me in daze. Long silence prevailed around us.
…
…
…
Not enduring it anymore, I wanted to pass by him. But before I could do so, I was stopped midway. An outstretched hand hold on my arm. I turned around and asked annoyed,
" What do you want, Archduke Evergarden ?"
" I'm still the same, you know. …I'm sorry when I wanted to be nice to you after we peacefully departed. I'm sorry that I hoped we could mend our relationship after our discussion in the dining hall. I'm sorry that I believed that you had changed to the better." , he replied coldly.
Upon his words, anger piled up in me and slowly threatened to burst out. I ripped my arm from his grip, then balled my hands into fists and spoke with much venom I had,
"Mending relationship ? Yeah, that was what I also once believed. But YOU didn't even care to see me off when I departed. YOU didn't even look at me during the discussion. YOU only looked at me in hostility in the grand hall. What should I see in our so-called peaceful interaction ? How would you interpret your own actions ?…
Furthermore you don't know me even in all these years. You think I changed to the better?
Don't make me laugh ! Who are you to judge when you didn't even try to get to know me ?",
After my outburst he then closed his eyes, later on opened them again and finally lay his focus on me.
He now replied, " I think I know you better than you thought."
With gritted teeth I spoke sarcastically, " What do you mean ? You didn't show off your so-called knowledge about me many times. Did you even remember what we talked in the corridor back at the mansion ? …No, right ? Why would you even care about such small things your previous wife was doing ? "
" No, I remember. ", he gave back neutrally. Then he listed every complain and my correction a month ago. I became a bit surprised at his memory, so I thought, " How could he remember every single thing ? "
Primarily, I asked this question with the intention that I could find clues if he was perhaps similar to me. Transmigration. Past live memory. I couldn't see it as anything other than that, especially with this strange behaviour before. Yet I didn't really get the feeling he had his past memories or something, but at the same time his phrase " I think I know you better than you thought" arose my suspicion.
He sighed, then rubbed his face and spoke tiredly, " Anyway, I really am me. Where did you get this craziness ?"
Exhaustion finally became visible on his face.
"As I thought I should just let it slide for the time being ", I believed, convinced that even if he had his past memories, I would never forgive him for what he had done to me. If it was a transmigrated person with character's memories and book knowledge, then he would surely act differently than now. Who would try to mend his relationship with a villainess such as me ? Not even the book, nor the people, except for my family and friends, knew me and would just judge me as the bad person anyway. Despite his book knowledge and anything else, he still wouldn't see my real character as long as he didn't have my past memories.
For someone who was transmigrated wouldn't it be better to avoid such troubles ? If he still did it, then he must be really stupid.
I sighed exhaustibly and said, " I don't care about you anymore. So you only wanted to be friendly to me for the investigation ? We had to do it together anyway, so we should finally get used to each other. That was your intention, right ?"
With my explanation he gave a short nod as confirmation.
Should I have just told him my thanks for he began to act nicer towards me ? But my pride could never accept it. When he suddenly became friendly towards me, it just really annoyed me to the point of vomiting.
When I remembered our dinner time, he was indeed nice to me, but I thought it was just an act of politeness. Happiness to divorce. A short euphoria which made him nice to me for once. Just that. That's why I would prefer him to act his usual self than his forced self. At least he wasn't that pretentious like the servants at the mansion. A certain degree should be alright I believed, so I suggested,
" Okay, just be polite so I won't be creeped out by you. …But before that, I would like to ask why did you accept the king's proposal without a fight anyway ? For my part, I couldn't decline it, but I at least tried to change his decision. You in contrast were okay ? So why ?"
He stared at me for a long time, then soon opened his mouth and said, " Because that was an obligation."
I became startled upon his words, and then I refocused on the door, but my vision slowly faded a bit. " Now I understand all the charade before" , I thought in contempt.
" You were just nice to me because the king was before you. You knew, that the king himself decided to redo the divorce in the attempt to later mend our relationship. For some stupid reason he hoped for love between us to be bloomed? You know the prophecy, correct? But at the time he wanted to maintain the love triangle? Does he want a grand twist or ending in this whole story ? Don't make me laugh ! How could he be so selfish ! "
"Be careful with your mouth. This is an insult to the royals. ", he reminded me sternly.
" You are… just like a dog obeying everything he said. You don't even try to resist to this obvious stupid idea, delusion of his. Do you seriously believe we would fall in love with each other ? You yourself don't believe it. ", I spoke sarcastically with crossed arms.
He closed his eyes, a sigh followed, then his hand flew to his head rubbing his hair, later his eyes slowly opened again and he finally fell into daze for a short moment. Soon he said,
" I won't deny that I obediently follow the orders of our king but for everything there are always a hidden meaning behind such actions. You didn't even know the real reason behind this yet you already judged it as if we were plotting against you. " Afterwards he took a step towards me, making the distance between us dangerously small. I only reached to his chin and could feel his breath already reaching me. As if I couldn't endure seeing his face anymore, I looked to the floor. However a finger touched my chin and lifted it up, so I had no choice but seeing his face. I felt my cheek getting slightly hot and the place he touched me began to heat up.
"Why are you so complicated to interact with ? Can't you just accept that I was nice to you for once ? ", he then asked with unusually softer eyes than I was accustomed to it. Even though his voice was slightly gentler, I couldn't dismiss the first phrase he just uttered.
" I'm complicated ?! Then do you have to act like this ? Please tell me. " I complained.
" …"
" Why are you even like that ? You were never nice to me before. Just be polite like when you interact with aristocrats, business partner and politician. That would be enough. This is just an obligation just as you said. "
"…"
" You just give me the creeps by how you suddenly act towards me ? "
" You…", he murmured quietly.
" Heh...? "
" …You want me to act like that. …Then I will do it. ", he told me with his now colder voice, colder than his usual one. His eyes began to darken and his eyes full of emotion from before now slowly faded to emptiness. Then he took his hand from my chin and walked in slow pace past me towards the door.
I just watched his leaving back when a thought suddenly struck my mind, so before he could open the door, I immediately shouted,
" Wait ! "
The archduke then slowly turned around, still maintaining his emotionless face and asked with a raised brow," What is it, lady Ainsworth ?"
I gulped but soon asked the question which always lingered in my head from the beginning to the end,
"… I would like to know why you hate me from the beginning."
Silence prevailed and I just stared at Cedric with nervous eyes. When I finally saw his mouth began to move, I never expected the words which came out from him would render me speechless.
" Lady Ainsworth, this has nothing to do with our investigation. We should seclude any personal matter in this work. As partners this kind of action is unprofessional. " After his final words he left for good, leaving a complete dumbfounded woman alone in the parlour room.
After breaking from the daze I just thought, " Just what happened in the past 3 weeks when I wasn't there?"
After that, I walked out of the room and saw my family with Kitsune waiting in front of the door. At once they came towards me with worried faces. They then asked for my wellbeing. To this, I just replied, " I'm okay. I just want to rest, so could we just leave this place now ?"
They slowly nodded and so we departed for our mansion in the royal capital. During our journey I leaned on the window frame in a daze. The head of Kitsune lay on my lap as he slept soundly making me feel his weight. My parents engaged in a quiet conversation whereas my brother read a book, being lost in his own world.
" Ah, Rosie ", my mother suddenly called out for me. To this, I turned to her and asked, " Is something ?"
" Do you remember that you once wanted to become an author because you loved reading?", my mother began to speak and then looked at her husband, "Is this dream still valid ?"
A question mark drew itself on my face. She then added," Darling, we discussed if you want to be come an author as your disguise in the commoner world for your investigation. This would be your chance to live your dream now. " My mom and dad later gave me smile.
My eyes sparkled a bit, a smile formed on its own and I asked," Really ?" From the corner of my eyes I saw my brother lifting his head from the book and smiled at me amicably.
" Naturally, you are now free…partly. You can now do what you want.", my father replied, " I tied you up to this marriage since your birth and educated you for your future as the duchess, then you suddenly got abandoned. From the beginning you couldn't have the freedom to do what you want. " A sad smile came.
"No, no, father. It's alright. I did do what I wanted in my childhood thanks to you. Besides at the end you just did it for the greater good, so I'm somehow alright. I had to admit that I was upset indeed, but… I think I would have done the same thing too. ", I added a small smile to my reply. Suddenly a thought stuck and reminded me of my previous conversation with the archduke. He said before, that everything had a reason behind it. This marriage was not your usual political marriage. It even had a more important purpose which could be the best example for it. So did it mean the Archduke also followed a bigger plan ? Upon this thought I shook my head which gained me the confusion from my parents.
" Ah no, I just remembered something.… Anyway so you really think I could become an author ?…I don't even know how to write. "
" No problem, darling ! You could first start off as an assistant of an author. At the same time this author could teach you how to write stories or at least helping you find your own style. ", my mom suggested happily.
" Are you really sure ?", I asked back, because in my previous life I learnt architecture in Seoul thus I was pretty good in drawing, mathematics and such. In contrast to my love for drawing, writing was never a thing in my modern world. At least I indeed like reading. After I came back to this world, I still didn't have any lingering feeling towards being an author when my mom first suggested it, so I had some doubts regarding this. However simultaneously I also thought that," When could I ever get such a good opportunity like this again ?" Being an assistant would be alright as I didn't have to interact much with other people. It wouldn't so nerve-wrecking like doing a presentation in front of your boss or something like that. My first job since long ago just came to me. If I continued to live like now, I would end up as a coach potato. Even worst, someone who didn't even know what to do in his life. Hobbies, new found interests, small and big adventures and new discoveries about yourself were the most important things to make your life worth it and if you add it with an enjoyable job it would make it even better. Should it be watching movies, baking, drawing or driving or whatever.
One other thing to add should be taking new opportunities when seeing one. Not every one of them were good, but if you feel like changing yourself or feeling good to try it out, then try it. People told me that I should come out from my comfort zone, but I believe I should only do it when I felt like I could do it then you could leave your comfort zone, better than forcing your way out. That was my overall moral from my old world. Even though I didn't live long there, I believed I developed a certain wisdom of an old grandma almost.
That's why I said, " I would try my hand on writing, but I also wished to draw the cover and small drawings for the story as well."
" Drawing ?", my father asked , "I didn't know you developed an interest for art as well. "
" I just felt like trying it out when I'm at it." , I partly lied. I indeed like drawing, but not as much that I wished to become an artist which was why I wanted to learn architecture as this field was diverse in perspective of knowledge and skills. Other fields were also no different, but I placed my interest more in this area. Because at the end my goal for life was just living a comfortable, long and good life with less regrets and more happy memories.
That's why with this work they just suggested, I could find the golden balance between my interest and the opportunity taking hand on new things. Fortunately, one of my bucket list I would like to do in my modern life was drawing covers and small pictures for other author's books.
As my enthusiasm showed itself on my face, my parents just gave up and gave a thump up to my idea. To this, I smiled from ear to ear and screamed, " Hurray !" Making Kitsune to wake up.
CREATORS' THOUGHTS 
Jbee09
Jbee09 Hello guys,
I just finished this chapter and hoped you enjoy it.
I still try to write a chapter fast, but my studies hindered me form doing so Right now, I look for a part- time job. Wish me luck !
Your sincerly
author-sama
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