original

I AM NPC69

Author: KiraMinoru

Chapter 1: Prologue.

"Greater Demon God you will fall here at my hands!"

"Hahaha! Foolish little Mortal Hero, you will never vanquish me!"

I looked on at this scene with dead eyes.

"Hey, Dumbass Hero 999999, can you hurry up and get this over with already?"

Just how many times have I already witnessed this scene? I've got better shit to do with my time.

This dumbass hero is just going to die like all the others I've led anyway.

"Shut up NPC69! Who the hell programmed your shitty dialogue? You're breaking the immersion!"

"Hey, Dumbass Hero 999999, watch out." I rolled my eyes and disinterestedly pointed at the Greater Demon God.

"Stop calling me Dumbass Hero 999999! I have a proper username so use it, you defective NPC! Ah! Shit!"

The Dumbass Hero… meh, just DH is good enough for this retard. Anyway, the DH's train of thought was cut short when he turned back to the Greater Demon Retard, GDR for short. Overhead, there was a gigantic asteroid plummeting toward the planet.

"Mortal Hero, it is too late for you to stop this. It is already over. I've long completed my spell that will bring this world to destruction! MWUAHAHAHAHA! In only a short five minutes, this asteroid I've summoned will strike the planet and everything will be destroyed. Even if you kill me within that time, there is no way for you to stop the destruction of this world."

"What! You bastard! I'll kill you and definitely find a way to save the world as the hero tasked with this heavy responsibility!"

Can these two just go die already? The world isn't going to end, so just shut up with the theatrics and fight.

"Hero, let's combine our powers to vanquish him quickly. We will surely stop the asteroid from destroying the planet and save our world as long as he's dead. He must be lying and trying to buy time for the asteroid because he's been pushed into a corner." Some slutty elf, whose name I never bothered to learn, in our party grabbed onto the hero's left arm. She nestled his left arm between the two disgustingly oversized balls of lard dangling from her chest.

I observed the scene with utmost disgust and contempt, wishing for nothing more than that asteroid to squash them like the little bugs they were.

"Mighty Hero, take this legendary sword! Once you slay the Greater Demon…" Retard "... we can finally be betrothed to one another."

With this subsequent scripted event, my dead eyes snapped to the castle wall behind us. There stood the first princess of the capital city with a bright glowing sword in her hand. She tossed the sword out toward the hero. He jumped up high in the air and caught it in one hand with his back faced toward the princess. He raised his other free hand and made a thumbs-up gesture while not bothering to look at her; the dumbass likely thought he looked dashingly cool.

I sighed internally before I spoke my predetermined scripted lines, "Oh. The legendary sword, how can it possibly be so? Dumbass Hero with the power of this sword no one can possibly oppose you."

"Oh Hero, I'm so wet please beep me with your legendary sword!"

I'm definitely going to jump off a cliff when this is over. Some bitch succubus in heat beside me had an infatuated look on her face as she lustfully stared at the hero in the air and demanded the hero plunge his legendary sword inside her.

Whatever story writer or developer came up with the dialogue for this bitch deserved death a hundred times over.

"Enough jerking each other off, go get raped by the Greater Demon Retard already, Dumbass Hero 999999."

The DH glared at me before his focus returned to the GDR.

"I call upon the power of the sword of legends, please grant me your strength to vanquish the great evil before me from this world. AWAKEN!" Haaaaah. Heroes just loved to shit out whatever lines they thought were cool.

Scorching hot flames exploded out and covered a ten kilometers radius over the city. The hero waved his sword to the side with a look of conviction and a ball of fire shot out to his rear in the process.

Yeah, it was flying directly at me. I didn't bother to dodge it, instead, I let the ball of fire hit me and I jumped back to make the act look convincing. A small crater formed where I landed. Though I had intentionally made it when I landed.

"Oops. My hand slipped, are you alright NPC69?"

I bit on a packet of ketchup inside my mouth and let it trickle out from the corner of my lip.

"I'm fine Dumbass Hero 999999. I know you're a retarded limp dick chicken nugget who shoots his load prematurely, so all is forgiven. Just make sure you do your job properly."

Veins bulged from the hero's forehead as he mumbled under his breath through gritted teeth, "Once I kill the Greater Demon God, I'll be sure to turn this defective NPC into a slave and make him grovel at my feet."

The DH brushed off my words and redirected his ire toward the GDR. He shot forth like a shooting star and closed the gap in less than a second before he swung down with his sword from overhead. The GDR immediately reacted, he raised his sword vertically at a slight angle and parried the hero's blade to the side with the flick of his wrist.

The GDR dug his feet into the ground and the ground underfoot collapsed as he countered and swung his sword diagonally upward with pure conviction. Seeing a tiny gap in the attack, the DH flipped forward over the GDR's head avoiding the slash by a small margin as he landed directly behind the GDR. When the DH landed on his feet, he completed a semicircular horizontal slash.

The GDR reacted quickly, without hesitation, he took advantage of his forward momentum and swung all the way through until his blade came to a stop at the ideal position behind his back.

Clang!

A loud sound resounded out immediately followed by a powerful shockwave in all directions. The ground collapsed further under the immense weight of their swords crossing. The collapsed ground expanded in a circle around them. Buildings in the surroundings collapsed and fell to the ground.

Meanwhile, I couldn't give a shit about anything happening around me. They were taking too damn long. I'm also freaking hungry.

In the ensuing chaos, the slutty elf from earlier took the chance to fire off several magic arrows to support the hero by dividing the GDR's attention. The succubus in heat who was previously demanding to be railed also launched magic spells in their direction. As for me, I was just one of the many guide NPCs the hero could start with among the countless beginner villages in this game. My main responsibility was to give out main storyline quests. I typically never directly participated in fights. It's not that guides couldn't do so, my situation was just a bit unique among guide NPCs.

"This is the end, Greater Demon God! Die!"

Oh, it was the climactic last move. While I was distracted by thoughts of my stomach, the GDR's health had fallen from his 10% final attack mode to one hit.

The GDR was high up in the air while the DH was on the ground. The DH pushed off the ground with all his might. His single jump was powerful enough to create a quake that could be felt across the entire world.

"HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" He let out a loud shout. Every eye in the city looked up toward that tiny shooting star as it headed for the GDR.

The GDR positioned his sword out in front to block the DH's death blow.

"Void Ripper!" The DH cried out.

Two tears in space opened up, one in front of both the GDR and DH, the other to the GDR's rear. The GDR reflexively turned around, but they were unable to block the DH's sword in time. The DH's sword plunged directly into the GDR's abdomen.

The GDR coughed up a mouthful of blood from under his mask as life slowly drained from his body. The GDR slumped onto the hero's body weakly as his mask slipped off his face and revealed a not so stunning, rather predictable in fact, plot twist. I was naturally aware of this twist long before the beginning of this pointless fight. It was none other than... you guessed it, his father.

When the hero caught a glimpse of the GDR's face, he took in a long breath before he said, "Oh Greater Demon God, or should I say Goddess; why must we fight?" Yeah, sorry, I was kidding about the whole father thing. It was even more predictable than that.

I vomited a little bit in my mouth, but immediately swallowed it back down.

"Haha. Foolish Hero, we are enemies."

"If I knew of your destructive beauty beforehand, I may have fallen to the dark side."

"Such a sweet talker hero, it's too bad. Either way, it's too late to stop the asteroid, not even you can destroy it."

"If I can have a single kiss from you, I will gladly accept my death."

"Fine, foolish hero."

The GDR used the last of her energy to lift her lips up and planted a kiss on the hero's lips.

Bleh.

Ugh. I couldn't swallow it back down that time. I spilled my guts off to one side before I recomposed myself and stood back up slightly queasy.

When my gaze returned to the DH, he had his head up to the sky as the GDR's body disintegrated into a stream of light particles in his embrace.

"Damn it! If I knew she was a chick I would have used my charm skill to get laid first!"

A tear trickled down his cheek as I took a deep breath.

"AAAAAAACCCCCCKKKKK!"

A stream of blood flowed down the sword in my hand. I felt the warmth of the DH's blood on my hand.

A large red infinity symbol appeared over the DH's head as his eyes widened in abject horror.

The hero's eyes weakly turned to me. I'd instantly appeared directly behind him in the air with a sword plunged cleanly through his lower back and out his chest.

The instant the GDR was killed, I'd teleported behind the hero in a flash.

"Why are you…"

"Your title is S-rank Secret Final Boss? What the… You!" He didn't have the strength to complete his sentence and trailed off, but he still spat out one last word of disbelief in rage before he finally said no more.

"Yes, I am NPC69, the only S-rank secret final boss in the game. Sorry, you were unlucky and got a bad roll with your guide. Goodbye, Dumbass Hero 999999, I certainly won't miss you. Not that you'll remember anything I say here though."