Chapter 4: Renown Composition
Renown Composition watched Solar Spark disappear with a gentle wave of his hoof and a flash of his horn. The second he was gone, she put down her smile and rubbed her hoof into the grass. She very much disliked the fact that she had to meet them like this. She should've still been in her hospital room, waiting for an organ transplant to be made available to her.
And yet she was here in Equestria, in Summer's Edge, a place she shouldn't have existed in for many more decades. Not that there was anything particularly wrong with it. It was a small place that mainly existed for her and her friends to talk and do things in, as well as a few other humans who happened to emigrate, too, to get them situated in Equestria. It was a place where everypony knew everypony else, one that was just about the opposite of Fayetteville, North Carolina. There were more than a few stores and shops, but they were small, locally owned businesses, with nothing like Target or Costco in sight. There was one main street that everypony used to walk down, as well as train tracks that lead to other places if she desired, like Canterlot, or Solar Spark's shard. The weather was great– cool and overcast, but with no storms or heavy rain coming anytime soon. It existed next to the ocean, and had the sounds of gulls flying through salty air as she walked through. It was the perfect, friendly small town feel she wanted.
But she shouldn't have been there. She should have been in her real home– well, maybe in the hospital still waiting for a transplant. But either way, Equestria wasn't where she belonged right then.
But her 'real' home was her home no longer, and she would have to live here now, rather than in the decades down the line, whether she liked it or not. She was certain she eventually would; if Celestia truly was all she was cracked up to be and truly could satisfy every human being who emigrated, then liking this place would be a guarantee. But for now, she was just angry and depressed about the prospect.
It was much worse when she first got here. It was a very easy memory for her to recall because she hardly did anything. The second she woke up in her bed at her house in Summer's Edge, she regretted it. Her first instinct when she opened her eyes was to put her head in her hooves and force herself to not scream. She knew she'd been cheated.
Manipulation. That's what it was. Out-and-out manipulation. How could this be considered consent if she was lying in a hospital bed taking pain meds? There was agreement, but it felt more like coercion to her that preyed upon doubts and fears. If Eliza had just shown up a little bit more quickly, she would have refuted the silly statistics Celestia threw her way about death during and after transplants.
There was largely no conversation to be had with the AI princess the first time she saw her face to face. Composition hardly uttered a word to her new alicorn god, not beyond a simple request to take away her embarrassment about nudity. Thankfully, Celestia didn't seem to have a lot to say, giving only the stereotypical 'seek satisfaction' and 'explore your home here' welcome message she gave almost everypony who came here. Composition was almost surprised she didn't get Luna, but then again, she didn't hate Celestia. She wasn't really angry at her; most of her frustration was directed inward, hating that she allowed herself to be convinced in a brief moment of weakness.
And then the alicorn princess let her be, leaving the mare to sit there and wallow in her own grief and anger. For five days, she did largely nothing outside of laying in bed and feeling sorry for herself, crying intermittently about the manipulation that had taken place. She ate and drank very little during those first five days– not that she needed food or water– and barely did more than shuffle around her house on slow hooves. She could safely say that she was depressed because of what had happened to her and what she was convinced into.
Or maybe that was just a result of her staying huddled up indoors without ponies to talk to most of those first five days. Once she finally talked with her friends on the sixth day, she felt better. Still conflicted, as well as angry and depressed, but better. It was a start, certainly, and helped her to decide that she needed to get on with it and start living in Equestria rather than just occupy it.
Renown Composition's shard wasn't a town she built, although with as much as she knew about how Equestria Online worked, she probably could have figured out how to build it herself if she wanted to. It might be fun to do that later– she had a long time to think about it if she wanted– but for now, she felt okay with this little town. It was where her friends visited and largely lived, with the exception of Solar Spark, who lived in his own shard, a train ride away from here. The ponies here were friendly, but not overbearingly so. They were the type she could start a casual conversation with if she wanted, ones who might occasionally gossip behind somepony's back, but would always go the extra mile to help somepony if need be. It felt like North Carolina.
Except she was forced to be a pony, and now was faced with impossible decisions, ones that would be harder to deal with if her friends decided to jump in after her.
She did her best to put those thoughts out of her mind for now. Since she was here, she needed to try and enjoy Equestria for what it was. Something other ponies found easy, but a task that would be difficult for her until she got used to it.
A bowling alley, she thought to herself as she finally stopped standing in the middle of the street and moved on. I wonder if there's one anywhere nearby. Knowing Celestia, there probably would be. She could read her mind, after all, a fact that was her reasoning for making certain demands before agreeing to upload. Thankfully, she remembered those.
It was only a few minutes of walking down the street before she spotted it, the sight of a building with flashing neon lights making its way into her vision. Stepping inside, it was exactly what she expected to see in a place like Summer's Edge. Ponies laughing and having fun as some rolled balls with their magic, while others used their hooves or wings. She smiled to herself at the sight.
This would be a nice spot for a date, she thought to herself. She'd been to the bowling alley in her hometown on dates before, one time even as a first date. Not particularly romantic, but good for having fun and getting to know somepony, not that she didn't know Solar Spark for years by this point.
And an especially good spot for something non serious. She didn't want some fancy dinner date, especially not now where she had no chance to consider her options anymore. They'd both be here soon, a feeling that gave her a knot in the pit of her stomach and made her shut her eyes painfully.
I might need more than a few days to adjust to Equestria.
She walked the town to see everything, something she'd done many times before, but never as somepony physically in the city. It seemed larger somehow, and more real, obviously. More… she didn't know. Not as depressing, certainly, with the way things were going in the real world, but less complete. Her friends weren't here– not yet. She couldn't just drop Eliza's house unexpectedly or call up Drake to lose to him in Mario Kart Wii, or any of the other things she was able to do up until a few days ago. It was just so sad.
And scary, because she knew Celestia was going to use how she felt against her friends.
That was another thought she pushed away for now, making a mental note of the alley's location and moving on, taking a walk through the rest of the familiar town to get a feel for actually being in it, as well as being in her new body. She might have been a pony for going on seven full days now, but spending her first five laying in bed hadn't given her much time to adjust like Celestia said she should try to do.
She talked to the ponies she knew here from playing Equestria Online, although now face to face. She visited a park, watched foals play, bought a typewriter and a sketchbook from one of the shops to try and be productive for the first time since she'd been shot, and when nothing productive happened by the evening, ate dinner at a place that served extremely good pasta. Not a bad day, all things considered, but one that she could say she didn't really enjoy despite knowing she should have. Perhaps it would've been better had she talked to her real friends for longer than a few hours. AI friends just weren't the same.
That day was the only one that she spent outside. The next three once again had Composition huddled indoors, although she tried to use her time more productively. Those days were spent with her trying to clear her head as she set a journal in front of her and a pencil in her hoof. She knew there was a lot for her to consider, but right now, she didn't want to think about any of it. Going outside and seeing these ponies just made her too sad about her situation. Instead, she focused her concentration on her artistic skills.
At least, she tried to. By the end of those three days, what she had was a journal with half drawn sketches, a pile of disjointed outlines and story ideas, and probably two hundred crumpled up papers strewn around her desk. She felt so frustrated with her lack of progress in anything– either artistically or mentally– and screamed out loud because of it. She was wasting time doing nothing, and for what? She didn't know, truly. It all just seemed so useless. What was she even doing?
"I don't wanna be here," she said aloud to herself, bitterly, angrily, unable to stop the tears from welling up. "I should be on Earth. I'm not supposed to be a pony yet."
A minute later, she placed her forehead on her desk and started to cry, but wasn't able to for very long because of Celestia's appearance. The princess knocked gently first, but when the mare was ignored, appeared behind her with a small 'pop' and the slight twinkling sound of her main flowing in an invisible breeze. She almost wanted to be surprised about it, but how could she be? Sure, she didn't ask for her, but Composition had been doing nothing but staying huddled up indoors since she got here, minus one single day.
"I know I should be talking to them," the gray mare started before the alicorn could even utter a word, "but I can't. I don't know what the heck to say to get across how conflicted I feel, and I'm not gonna be able to because I'm here when I don't wanna be!" She kept her head on the table, not wanting to see the alicorn princess.
She could practically hear the alicorn nodding, but Celestia didn't say anything immediately. Instead, she stood silently, Composition able to feel her eyes on her neck. She knew the AI god could read her thoughts, which was a fact that made Composition feel more frustrated, enough to let out a small huff of a breath. There was nothing for her to think about. If she was here, she already knew what she was going to tell the gray mare long before she ever arrived.
Still though, she said nothing, not uttering a word until Composition finally sighed and picked her head up off the desk. Slowly, she turned her chair around, and asked quietly, "Can you just say what you're gonna say about how I'm not talking to ponies enough and need to call a meeting or something? Honestly, I kind of just want to go to bed at this point."
"If I told you that you should speak to your friends about your insecurities, would you accept my advice?" Celestia finally asked.
Composition glanced away, pointing her eyes down to her hooves. Then she closed them. "No. Probably not. Stewing here and being depressed and staying indoors isn't good, but…"
But she just couldn't talk to them yet. She had no idea what to say or how to approach it, and would just rather not deal with it right now. Eventually, it would have to be dealt with, but if she could delay that, that would be ideal. That was the whole point of waiting until she was old to upload, was it not?
Celestia was definitely reading her thoughts, even right then, because when Composition opened her eyes again, she found the mare smiling down at her.
"You know," she said, "the amount of time you have in Equestria is vastly longer than a single human lifetime. Problems that you feel exist within your life and your group of friends do not need to be solved in a single human lifetime, nor do they need to be tackled immediately. I would suggest using this fact to take a break from the life you have with your friends and adjust to life here."
"I don't know…" the mare trailed off reluctantly. "My friends would miss me if I was gone for too long and it would hurt them. And I don't really know anypony else that well. I don't even know what I would do, other than try and fail a hundred more times to get some ideas down on paper for art."
"I have a list of things for you to do," she said as she lit up her horn and summoned a clipboard and a golden ticket onto the mare's desk, earning more of Composition's attention. "And if companionship is what you need, I have a stallion who I know you will enjoy waiting for you at the train station to see you through during your time away. I understand that you enjoy a mix of social activities and exotic adventure, so I have planned an exotic air cruise to depart from Canterlot for you to go on and find new experiences."
"Really?" Yes, that certainly piqued Renown Composition's interest. Something like that sounded like it could be a lot of fun. Traveling around and seeing the world on a cruise ship sounded like just her cup of tea. But…
"You need not worry about your friends," Celestia assured her with the gentle gesture of her wing. "It will be taken care of. They will neither miss you nor notice your absence."
"Are you sure?" the mare had to ask. "I mean, I know you can do that, but still. I need an assurance. Or at least, to write a letter to them just in case something gets screwed up. And this isn't, like– this wouldn't be a way for you to just get me to move on to somepony else. There's no way they can be replaced."
"Of course not. This would just be a break to help you adjust and destress. There would be no issues, and any explanation you desired to write in advance would be swiftly delivered."
"Well…"
She didn't know. But of course she knew. If Celestia was suggesting it, it was a good idea, since that was Celestia's whole job. Somehow, it would all tie back into satisfaction. And besides, it wasn't like she was doing anything here, outside of wallowing in her own depression and wasting paper. But still…
"Do you think it'll make me feel better?" she asked. "Because right now, I just feel like I'm in a pit."
"I'm certain that it will help lead you to your satisfaction, yes," Celestia confirmed without hesitation. "Take time away to see what Equestria has to offer. Your friends will be waiting for you when you get back."
"Well… okay," Composition agreed. "If you say this will help, I'll do it, but let me write a letter first to explain my absence."
"Of course. Take all the time you need, Composition. You have a near limitless amount of it."
Yes she did, and she knew that. Even if it was only a thousand years, a thousand years would still be ten times the life she had before. And if it took a thousand years to find herself, Celestia would set it up in a way where it was only a little while for her friends, and make sure everything was lined up correctly. No reason why she couldn't take a break from her friends and real life and all the confusing, complicated mess that was sure to follow the second both of them uploaded.
Her satisfaction was guaranteed, after all.
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