Chapter 1: The Only Way Out
* TRIGGER WARNING: Some of the poems in this collection are triggering, and anyone that has been suicidal and has had eating disorders shouldn't read the first poem and "Eugenia." DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. Thank you. *
Eyes looked down the thirty feet drop,
The river's tide and heart's pace synchronized,
A forceful pull,
Grey bumps appeared from the rapid blue liquid,
The sharp rocks will cut like a razor,
I felt the wind surround my presence as it pushed me closer.
.
I felt like jumping and never returning,
My thoughts were all mixed together;
Grasping a guilty conscience,
A feeling I've felt before.
I regret living, which has ruptured what remains,
This is the easy choice, everybody says,
It isn't an easy choice, it's the only way out.
.
There was no regret.
I felt numb inside,
There was nothing left;
No one knows my pain.
My fake smiles and over-exaggerated laughter didn't bring harmony,
I don't know who I am anymore;
Feelings were a mystery,
Death was my melody;
And the only way out.
.
Take my misery,
My poor soul cannot hold its place,
The nuisance of my troubled heart,
The weight I carried dropped.
.
Eyes glanced above,
The river's tides surrounded like protection,
My safe net — the water felt like welcoming razors against my skin,
Red filled the slow, blue liquid,
The sharp rocks bandaged the inflicted wounds.
No longer did the winds rush past me,
Silence hit my ears,
The quiet now scared me.
.
I looked down one last time,
My newly formed body found its place.
I saw a wholesome light and invited myself through
Entering a place of solitude.
My savior and grace,
There was something waiting.
.
This was the only way out — living is too easy,
Showing myself is too simple,
Death is hard; death is my home,
Involuntary peace was the hard way out.
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