Chapter 8: Gil-kun and the Pajamas
"How awful! Legends are the worst when they ruin your life, especially when they're false. Like they said I was a tyrant, that I started the Great Fire of Rome and, get this, that I kicked my pregnant wife to death. My pregnant wife! How does that even make sense? Isn't that right, Pendra-chan?"
"Y-yeah, super weird... and yeah, I had my fair share of bad press. Arrogant deserters who waited for my death to bad mouth me. Like that stupid prick Shakespeare, who wrote his 'great tragedy', 'Lancelot'. Yeah, I stole his wife, so what? Even the greatest English playwright, Marlowe, made 'Gawain'. Oh no, so I killed his brothers who were plotting against me, so what?"
"I-I feel like there's a bit of a dissonance here..."
"Miss Nero?"
"Yes, Nancy?"
"Please protect me..."
"I'll do my best."
"Fools, to be remembered negatively is your own fault. What must be remembered more than anything is the greatness of a king. Whether that greatness is derived from benevolence or tyranny, it matters not in the end. The path of the king is the path of tyranny. But the path of the saint is equally shrouded in the light of greatness. Still, as king of the world, I could never walk such a path, although those who do provide me with unrivaled amusement. Because in the end, they took the longest and hardest way possible to be immortalised. And yet they did it... hehe, how truly amusing and noble... isn't that right, my dear Saber?"
"Oh dear, Goldie has started rambling again..."
"This is way above what my brain can comprehend..."
"... you're wrong, King of Heroes."
"What?"
"Indeed, I was remembered negatively. I failed at transmitting something other than my evils. But what I lacked wasn't greatness. I built the greatest palace in history. Had the strongest army. An iron grip on anyone. Never lost against anyone. Established a kingdom that outlived me. No, it wasn't greatness that I lacked.
It was goodness. Without goodness, there's no fame. Only infamy. Without goodness, there's no memory of a person. Only memory of the fear and evil he spread. Without goodness, there's no greatness. Only disgust, only distance, only everlasting hate. This knowledge is what I lacked during my life and was taught to me. I understand your perspective because in life I was like you, but I cannot accept it any longer."
"What kind of fool taught you such an absurd notion?"
"We have arrived."
"Great! So let's cut this discussion short, please! This is most definitely not the time! Let's go in and sleep." Nero suggested, rubbing her eyes.
"Yeah, fine." Salter agreed, opening the door to the house.
"Here we go! Nancy, this is our home!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"There's nothing inside!"
"It makes sense, we only built the exterior, not the furniture."
"How the hell are we supposed to live here?" Nero whined.
"I guess we have to build the furniture too."
"But I'm so tired!"
"Hahaha!"
"What the hell are you laughing for, Galter?"
"Beware, mongrels! The difference between you and me! A king's palace is where the king stays. If a king moves, his palace moves with him."
With a snap of his fingers, tables, chairs, cupboards, plates, kitchen equipment, candles, and all kinds of furniture and house items appeared, filling the empty house with life.
"Wow! So cool! There really is everything we need!"
Nero rushed upstairs and came back a few seconds later.
"There are even two bathrooms with a shower and a bathtub! And that's a kitchen stove! A microwave! An oven! Is everything from your Noble Phantasm, Goldie?"
"Of course! I possess the finest examples of mankind's development in every single aspect of life, including everyday use! You thought a king would not possess a bed and the means to live his luxurious lifestyle?"
"Stop talking as if you are the only one here who's a king..."
"Wow, I'm not really sure I get it, but thank you, Your Majesty!"
"Don't pump his ego further, Nancy."
"S-sorry, Your Highness!"
"Man, thank goodness we have you, Goldie! We can use all this stuff too, right?"
"Only if you beg enough and acknowledge me as the superior ruler."
"Like I'd ever do that."
"Well, it's true I wasn't the cruel leader everyone portrayed me as, but even I can admit that I wasn't the best ruler by far. I concede, Goldie. I shall challenge you not as a king, but as an artist!"
"I am truly impressed and grateful for your efforts, Your Majesty!"
"Good, good. Salter?"
"This isn't good... Nancy sided with him, so if I oppose him, I probably won't get any burgers... but can I lose my pride because of burgers? This is hard... think, Artoria, think... think of the juiciness of the meat, the texture of the melted cheese, the savory notes of onions and tomatoes, the tastiness of all the sauces inside, the saltiness of the fries... man, I want a burger right now... wait, I have an idea!"
"Very well, Galter. I acknowledge that I have to catch up to you in matters of kingship. However, if I do so, I want to be the one to decide what we shall eat."
"You wish to challenge me on such a trivial matter? Well, whatever, I refuse to eat any more of that decadent food of tonight, so I'll leave the choice to you. I'll turn to my trusted treasury whenever hunger finally catches up to me."
"D-decadent food..." Nancy mumbled as a little tear ran down her cheek.
"There there, I'm sure Goldie didn't mean that, right, Goldie?"
"I mean every single word that I say."
"*muffled crying*"
"... but perhaps... I suppose that with ingredients from my gate... even something like that could be of my liking?"
"Really? You'd give me the ingredients and let me prepare food for you, Your Majesty."
"I-I can... give it a try."
"Ah, thank you! Thank you so much! I'll do my best, Your Majesty!"
"Though he's insufferable, he does have a soft spot for kids... I'll keep that in mind."
"Well, I'm going to have a shower. Goodnight, everyone."
"Wait, Pendra-chan!"
"Stop calling me that."
"Ok, Salty."
"... what the hell do you want now?"
"W-well, ehm, how should I put this... shouldn't we change clothes?"
"Huh?"
"Well, if we can now be hungry, thirsty and tired, s-shouldn't we sweat too?"
"I guess I didn't think of that. Well, my clothes are fresh anyway. My armour converts into this dress when I want, so it's as if I changed myself."
"So you didn't have this one before we went to the diner?"
"No."
"So when you're fighting, you're practically naked under your armour?"
"Why would you ask such a question?"
"*extremely disturbing Gilgamesh face*"
"And in any case, I simply have another dress underneath."
"*disappointed Gilgamesh face*"
"Pervert."
"W-well, I don't have a clothing change as an ability."
"Tough luck."
"Are you serious?"
"Just wash it."
"Oh, come on! It won't dry in time! And I'm not comfortable sleeping in this anyway."
"You are a pain in the ass."
"You can't tell me that you're comfortable sleeping in that!"
"..."
"And even if we wash our clothes, that means we have to spend time in this house either in armour or naked... with that guy!"
"What the hell are you talking about, mongrel? If I wanted either of you, I would already be in bed w-"
They both threw their swords in his face.
"I suppose you make a few good points, Emperor Nero."
"What about you, Goldie? You're not gonna sleep in that suit, are you?"
"Ouch, you damn mongrels... hmph, what do you think, mongrel? Did you think I didn't possess other clothes?"
"To be honest, at this point, I expected you to have more."
"Congratulations then, mongrel! For once, you're correct!"
"Then give us some clothes too, Galter."
"Why should I when you just threw your weapons at me?"
"... hey, Galter?"
"What is it?"
"From what I could understand, you like the version of me from your world, right?"
"... I have... a certain interest in her..."
"And would you say that I look similar to her?"
"Physically speaking, apart from your overall paleness, I would say you're identical."
"... very well... then, if you do as we say... well, I might... act... a bit more like her... once or twice."
"You're offering to do a cosplay too, Salty?"
"I-I guess... come on, give me your answer quickly, before I take it back!"
"Mmm... it is a tempting offer... but promises are easily broken, sometimes pleasure has to come immediately. Therefore, I'll accept your conditions, but only if you say something I want right now."
"And what would that be."
"Archer-kun, you are so great and awesome. I only want you."
"No. Absolutely no way."
"Then have fun living in your own filth."
"No! Please, Salty! Take one for the team!"
"Please, your Highness! I'm already sweating so much after having cooked..."
"*begs in penguinese*"
"... bastards. How far can my pride sink down in one day... fine, Galter, I'll do it. But first... I need to drink something."
"Fine, I'll allow you to have some of my delicious alcohol."
After a few minutes of intense drinking...
"Miss Nero... is she alright?"
"I'm not sure she can barely stand..."
"And so I told Merlin: 'Relax, it's not against her will if she doesn't know it happened'. Hahaha!"
"Why is she telling morbid jokes to Mr. Pop Pea?"
"I have no idea..."
"Enough, Salter. It's time for your end of the bargain."
"Ok, ok, you stupid arrogant prick. This is all your fault to begin with. What was I supposed to say? Oh right... Archer-kun, you are so great and awesome! I only want you!"
"She really said it."
"Let's see how he reacts."
Gilgamesh stood still for a few seconds, then his eyes started widening and something came out of his nose... blood! He collapsed on the floor. Salter did the same a few seconds later.
"Goldie! Are you ok?"
"That... was... too intense..."
"Your Highness? How are you feeling?"
"*snoozing*"
"Thank God, she's just asleep."
"What? But if she's asleep she won't receive her clothes!"
Nero stood up, grabbed her sword and bonked Salter in the head.
"Damn you Gawain! Oh, it's just you." She immediately fell back asleep.
"Stay awake, Salty!" Nero exclaimed bonking her again.
"Ouch! Geez, fine, hurry up."
"Come on, Goldie get a grip of yourself!"
"Stop shaking me so much, my dear Saber..."
"Is he fusing the words by Salty with my appearance to obtain the mental image of our Artoria complimenting him? He is quite the obsessed fellow... almost reminds me of dear old Father Claudius... always too focused on women... anyway, enough is enough, Goldie!"
"Ow, don't slap me, mongrel!"
"There we go! See, Nancy? Sometimes violence is the easiest choice!"
"B-but is it the best one, Miss Nero?"
"Let's not worry about that."
"Damn it, I was in such a blissful state. Fine, I am a king of my word."
A portal flashed open and Gilgamesh extracted a long golden fabric.
"This is a special fabric I received from a city I conquered as a sign of submission, even just a small piece can become a whole outfit. It works by copying a mental image of the one who's holding it. Let me show you."
Gilgamesh took a piece and it became very bright, enveloping him in a blinding light. When the others could see again, he had a soft, golden pajama on.
"Hahaha! How cute! You look adorable in that, Goldie!"
"He looks like someone pretending to be rich!" Salter joked in her drunken state.
"You bastards! Let's see what you get then!"
Nero took a piece of fabric and a red pajama with the Roman insignia on her chest area appeared.
"Wow! So cool!"
"Hehe, that's really cute, Miss Nero."
"Not bad, you foolish emperor."
"W-what?! It looks just as ridiculous as mine! Why aren't you mocking her!"
"Just give me a piece of that, Galter."
"Unbelievable, truly unbelievable..."
Salter's pajama appeared and it was black with a huge hamburger and a beer.
"Haha, you really have no shame in this state, Salter!"
"It seems like Salty loves your food, Nancy."
"I-I'm really glad you enjoyed it, Your Highness."
"Whatever, just let me sleep now. I'm so, so, tired... where's a servant when you need him..."
"A-Alright, so I guess it's my turn..."
Nancy also held the cloth and it became a pink pajama with the red writing "Waitress of the Month". Nancy blushed a bit.
"Why is there something written on it?"
"If it's not something you imagined, then it means that the cloth looked into your unconscious or hidden desires and added it."
"Aw, Nancy! Do you want to be recognised as Employee of the Month? You already are to me!"
"T-thanks, Miss Nero..." Nancy stuttered, holding Mr. Pop Pea to hide her blush.
"Well, mogrels, I shall go to my room to relax after this long day. When I wake up, I expect breakfast ready and everyone awake."
"Fine, fine, goodnight Goldie!"
"Goodnight, Your Majesty."
"Badnight, you golden pervert!"
"Well, Nancy, let's bring Salty to her bed. Then I'll go to sleep after taking a relaxing bath."
"Ok, Miss Nero. I'll go for a quick shower."
"Mr. Pop Pea, would you like to join me in the tub and in bed?"
"*answers in penguinese*"
"I'm sure that's a yes. Let's go then."
"Mmm... I'm in Burgerland... finally... burgers..."
Gilgamesh laid down on his comfortable bed made of irongold. He started a bit at the ceiling, thinking back at all the crazy things that had happened in just one day. He thought back to his friend, to what he would do when he finally found him. And when he finally found Saber...
"Hmm, it wasn't a bad start, I'll admit. Could have been worse."
He closed his eyes and fell asleep, walking in a cedar forest with Enkidu and Saber.
And the people he had met today.
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone