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28.89% Dragonborn Saga / Chapter 216: Put A Fork In It (1) : Drunk

Chapter 216: Put A Fork In It (1) : Drunk

A/N: It is like this from now on guys, Extra Chapter means 5000 Votes. VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!

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Two large humanoid shades were walking beside the southern beach of Solstheim, they were both staggering and singing with strange tones.

"♫ Oh! There once was a fellow called Ragnar the red who came crawling from… from… ♫"

"He was riding, bro. He was riding!"

"Oh, yes yes! ♫ He was riding from… ♫ where did he come from again?"

"Don't know!... Where are we again?"

"Hmmm… not sure."

"Nevermind, keep singing."

"Wha! But I don't know where we are, I don't know where Ragnar came from, and... who is Ragnar?"

"... I don't know."

"Fine! Let's do it again, we are two adult men doing adult business in the middle of nowhere… no that sounds wrong. We are two adult men doing non-adult business… okay, I give up. You can sing." Wulfur started a sentence but he didn't know where it will lead him so he preferred to shut up.

"Finally! Give me the mic."

"I don't have that."

"Okay, I'll sing to this."

Jon took out the Skull of Corruption and aimed its head towards his mouth.

[A/N: WARNING! The following is inspired by 'Skyrim Misheard Lyrics', it will change the way you sing Skyrim's main song forever, play this https://youtu.be/cSBCaGRILJI?t=24 to understand what have I done and read the next part like Skyrim's song.]

"♫ Laaaaaaaa, Laaa, Laaaa, Laaaaaaaaaa, ♫

♫ Gotta pee, Gotta pee, we'll rock this party. ♫

♫ For the night, for the food, for we are not drunk. ♫

♫ Has Alina found out? We are not in our beds? ♫

♫ Not me! Or the peeps! Or the guards will cry! ♫

♫ *Musical rumbling* ♫

♫ USE A FOOORK! THANK THE LOOORD! WAS IT GOOOOD? OH MY GOD! ♫

♫ AND THE CHEESE OH! ABELLA! A BOOOOOB! ♫

♫ Was it Wulfur who stabbed my butt... with a fork? ♫

♫ Gotta pee, Gotta pee, we'll rock this party. ♫

♫ For the night, for the food, for we are not drunk. ♫

♫ Has Alina found out? We are not in our beds? ♫

♫ Not me! Or the peeps! Or the guards will cry! ♫

♫ PARTY! PARTY PARTY! ♫

♫ RUFF! ♫

♫ PARTY! PARTY PARTY! ♫

♫ RUFF! ♫"

*ClapClapClap*

"Amazing! I like it! You, my friend, are a… silver tongue." Wulfur said while staggering.

"Thank you, thank you, my lord… where are we going again?"

"Oh! To hunt that thing… strange thing… netch! Oh, right… it's a netch."

"Nope, you are wrong! It is a Bull Netch!"

"... Really?! What is the difference?"

"Eh! I'll tell you, Netches are flying jellyfish."

"Right!"

"Bull Netches are big flying jellyfish."

"... I see! How do we find them?"

Wulfur asked and Jon started to think.

"There." Jon pointed at a direction and lo and behold.

"That is a Bull Netch?" Wulfur asked.

*Growl*

"Don't offend it! See, it said 'of course, I am a bull netch'."

"Oh! Sorry!"

*Growl*

"It said it's okay."

"Good, what do we do now?"

"... I do nothing! You kill it."

"Wha! But it's a polite netch, it just forgave me!"

"You are the one who wanted to take the challenge, not me."

"Oh! I have to kill a polite netch now."

"Don't worry, come here, I'll tell you a secret about netches."

"What?"

*Ten Minutes Later.*

"DIE, FEMINIST! DIE!"

Wulfur went all out and started chasing after the Bull Netch with the Fork of Horripilation in his hand.

Jon sat on a mound of ash and started watching the strange fight. He was drinking and cheering for Wulfur.

"Yeah! Stab its butt, that thing, yeah! Put a fork in it! Give it a good beating."

Netches are creatures that resemble airborne large jellyfish with a hard shell on the top, floating through the air supported by internal sacks of magical gases. Although male Bull netch are larger than the females and possess the ability to defend against the aggressors, females usually keep a harem of several bulls and rule the herd during breeding seasons. Netches are often domesticated in Morrowind, mainly due to their hides making good quality leather, although the skin contains a toxin that renders the meat inedible.

Wulfur was fighting one of those Bull Netches fueled by the words Jon told him, he was on a holy endeavor to rid the words of the feminists. He was holding one of the netch's tentacles and stabbing its organs with the fork.

The fork was pretty much just a fork and the netch was a big animal so it seemed to be go to take a while.

Wulfur managed to climb on the netch and it started moving around wilding trying to rid itself from the furious and relentless aggressors until Wulfur managed to stab a vital point with the fork, finally then, the netch lost its power and fell on the ground.

"Jon! I did it. HAHA! I slew the feminist! Call me Wulfur the Feminist Slayer!"

In front of Wulfur, the Netch was on its shell upside down, Wulfur used the fork to open the netch's soft guts and put his arm in. The inside was like a jelly but Wulfur finally managed to grab something round and pulled it out. In his hand, he found an eyeball.

"Jon, I found it… Jon, where are you?"

Wulfur started looking around and couldn't spot Jon anywhere.

*Pat* *Pat* *Pat*

He then heard the sound of something hitting the ground beside his feet. He looked down there and saw an arm coming from under the netch's carcass.

"Oh, what are you doing down there?"

Wulfur pushed the netch aside and it rolled away down the mound. Jon was found lying on the ground where the netch was.

"Look, Jon. I found the eyeball."

Jon sat up as if he came from the dead with all the ash on him and looked at Wulfur's hand.

"Oh, the Eye of Ciirta. That's one thing."

He took it and started investigating.

"Wulf."

"Yes."

"They eye… it is looking at us."

"Oh! That's right. Is it watching us?"

"I don't know, but is scaring me."

"How did they get that eye out and kept it open in the first place?"

"... Good question! Maybe they took it while its owner was awake."

"Oh! Must have hurt."

"Let's put it away now."

Jon stored the Eye of Ciirta in his ring and stood up.

"How to find the next Netch then?" Wulfur asked.

"We call for it."

"You know the Netch's name?"

"... No!"

Jon and Wulfur paused to think for a while.

"Found it!" Jon came up with an idea.

"I will say Marco, and when the netch hears us, it will say Polo."

"... Why would the netch say that?"

"Because we are looking for it. If someone is calling you Marco you should say Polo, it's a common sense, bro."

Wulfur didn't seem to understand Jon's flawless logic.

"Have it your way."

"Fine… Marco!"

And nothing replied. Wulfur looked at Jon expecting a new idea.

"Marco!"

*Rumble* *Rumble*

""Oh!""

Jon and Wulfur looked at each other with two idiotic smiles.

"Call for it with me."

"Fine… Marco!"

"Marco!"

*Rumble* *Rumble*

"You hear that?"

"Yes, it is working… but it is not exactly saying 'Polo'."

"Don't mind it now, we found that slimy bastard. Where does its voice come from again?"

"That way, I guess."

Jon pointed to the south towards the sea.

"Will we swim?"

*Rumble*

"No, it is getting louder, call for it again."

"Marco!"

"Marco!"

"MarCooooo!"

*RUMBLE*

All of a sudden, The southern sky above the Red Mountain was dyed in red with a thick pillar of smoke rising into the sky, a thundering rumble was heard and the wind started changing its direction.

The Red Mountain was erupting once again. It was not something strange as it always does one time every one or two months.

Jon and Wulfur saw a small volcanic eruption for the first time of their lives and fell to their knees speechless.

""THE LORD HAS SPOKEN!""

They both shouted at the same time and spread their hands up then starting bowing and rising towards the Red Mountain.

"All hail the lord."

"All hail! All hail!"

In their state of drunkenness, Jon and Wulfur failed to notice the changes around them. Following each eruption from the red mountain, a strong Ash Storm is always expected.

The wind started to howl in the night and the ash started rising and moving by it. Jon and Wulfur finally sensed the danger but they were too far away from Raven Rock and in this state of drunkenness, Jon can't use magic very well.

"I think netch is not that way." Wulfur said.

"Yeah, let's go the other direction."

"Hey, wasn't that a sign from the lord? Didn't he just speak?"

"Nope, he was clearly farting."

Jon and Wulfur turned around aware of the approaching ash storm. They were clearly legless and staggering all around the place but they tried to reach behind a large boulder.

As they reached the boulder and shielded themselves with it, they discovered that the ash storm was harder to deal with than expected.

The weather got worse by the minute and the two drunken boys started feeling the impact of the weather. It was truly the worst time for anyone to get as drunk as they are.

To make things worse, the volcanic gases seemed to have started reacting with the clouds in the sky, lightning shone and thunder followed announcing the start of a real storm.

"Oh, Jon. I guess we should go back."

"Go back? Are you crazy? There is no going back in the book of Dare. Jon Dare never goes back."

"It started raining!"

"Raining? Oh, maaaan. That's acid raining, we should go back."

"Didn't you just say there is no going back?"

"Acid rain will harm my beautiful skin, it is the only thing Jon Dare cares for. He is the most handsome man in the multiverse."

"Then do something."

"Don't worry, I got us covered."

"Take us into the Cube?"

"Cube? Are you crazy? Jon Dare never goes b…"

"Yeah yeah, just do what you have to do."

"Watch and learn, bro. Watch and learn."

Jon walked out of the cover of the boulder and faced the storm directly, if not for his large body, he would have got blown away.

"Here I go. LOK VAH KOOR!"

In an ancient and strong voice, the Thu'um of Jon Dare echoed far and wide through the storm, the voice was heard across the southern region of Solstheim loud and clear.

With this mighty shout, the air started to slow down, the clouds started to dissipate. The ash in the air all came to a halt and receded back to the grounds.

In a few seconds, the sky was as normal as it was before the storm but the land was messed up. The previous features of the land were clearly not the same as it was.

One more missing thing was Jon.

Wulfur looked around and couldn't see any trace of Jon.

"Jon, where are you?... Where did he… oh, I can do that... Marco!"

Wulfur started going around and shouting.

"Marco!"

"Marco!"

"Polo!" *muffled voice*

To that reply, Wulfur turned around and saw a strange tree… to him, it looked like a tree but these were Jon's legs sticking out from the ground. After a few seconds of analyzing the situation, Wulfur gained enlightenment and understood that these were Jon's legs.

"I am coming for you, hold on, bro!"

Wulfur said and held Jon's legs then pulled him out of the ash mound.

"Cough Cough! That was so dark down there."

"How did you get down there like that?"

"I was hit by a flying tree trunk. Thanks, bro."

Wulfur stood up and offered his hand for Jon but Jon didn't respond. He kept pausing for a second and made an overwhelmed face.

He then looked at Wulfur with a wide smile.

"That's it! I have discovered it."

"... Discovered what?"

"A way to solve a worldwide problem, how could the world be so blind? When I was in the ground just now, I tried to dig myself out but I only went down… you see it now?"

"... Oh! So that's why you were in the ground in the first place!"

"That's not the point, imagine now if people buried all the dead upside down. It means that the Undead can never come back up again, they will only keep digging down."

"OH! That's genius, bro."

"We are GENIUSES!"

"WE ARE SMART!"

"YEAH! Now let's go kill that damn netch!"


CREATORS' THOUGHTS
El_Don El_Don

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next chapter

Chapter 217: Put A Fork In It (2) : Found Out

A/N: 5000 Vote! Extra will be yours!

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Sun shone upon to asleep semi-naked duo, they were Jon and Wulfur. Not sure what was happening or where they are, Jon opened his eyes to see a few figures around him.

"Oh no!"

He sobered up immediately and slapped Wulfur beside him.

"Ouch! Hey, watch it… Oh no!"

Wulfer saw the figures around them and turned pale.

Three girls, one cat and one large bear are what caused Jon and Wulfur to realize that they were in trouble they didn't foresee.

"Wakey wakey, sleepy heads." Jull said with a delighted smile.

"What's up, guys?" Jon smiled but he suddenly held his head.

The hangover kicked hard once he tried to move and his vision blurred. Wulfur was no better, as soon as he stood up, he turned behind a small rock and started throwing up.

"You had a big party last night, boys. Care to explain?" Bjorna asked.

"His idea." Jon pointed at Wulfur right away.

"Hey!" Wulfur seemed upset.

"It was nice knowing you." Jon said with a cheeky smile.

"I advise you to worry about yourself more, I will be the only one nagging him but you have three upset ladies to deal with." Bjorna said to Jon.

Jon looked at Alina, Jull and Nefertiti who were smiling at him with bad intentions in mind. His face turned pale too.

"Okay, girls. We had our fun too, let's not embarrass them more." Alina said as she gave up on messing around with Jon.

"Oh, come on! We can extort them for many things if we wanted too." Bjorna was turned down.

"Yes, Alina. You are too soft on them." Jull too.

"What are you talking about?" Jon asked.

The girls laughed as they remembered what happened last night till this morning.

"Let me ask you something first, what is the last thing both of you remember?" Jull asked.

Jon and Wulfur looked at each other.

"It was when Jon stopped the Ash Storm with his voice, now that I think of it, it sounded really heroic." Wulfur said.

"Oh, I remember that after it we went to a pineapple-like rock and it found a hole under it." Jon said.

"A what now?"

"A fruit from Valenwood, still, what exactly happened?"

"Fine, I'll tell you. We too were sitting at the Tavern and Alina noticed that you guys started drinking a lot, that's when we figured out you were up to no good. We decided to stay sober and keep an eye on what you guys will do." Jull said.

"After that, Jon started to hide a lot of liquor bottles in his ring and you two went out staggering, we thought the night would be over but all the fun was actually just getting started." Alina said.

"Wait wait wait wait! You all were there? From the beginning." Wulfur and Jon asked.

The girls looked at each other and laughed so hard.

"It was so much fun that I will write a song about it one day." Bjorna said.

"Oh, man. We are ruined." Wulfur held his head with his hands.

"Keep talking what happened afterward?"

"As you two staggered your way out of Raven Rock, you two kept walking towards the beach while singing weird songs. Got to admit though, the songs were fun." Bjorna said.

"Oh, thank you."

"You two walked to a large Netch and Wulfur started killing it with a fork. Crazy at sounds, it got killed and you got an eye out of it, it was then when the Ash Storm hit and Alina was planning to come and save your asses but then Jon Shouted a very marvelous Shout that stopped the storm like a charm." Jull said.

"After the storm, you too started drinking more then delved deeper to the north, we didn't know what you are after and Alina wanted to take you home but you arrived at that weird looking rock."

"The pineapple-like rock."

"Yes, that one, Jon was sure that there was an entrance to the inside of the rock even though there was none. Once you two started looking around, you indeed found an entrance and crawled through it. We wanted to send a Familiar after you to see what is going on but screams started echoing from inside the rock, a few seconds later, you two came out with wide smiles on your faces and blood all over your hands." Bjorna said.

"What did we do?" Jon became horrified.

"I don't know, you said some like 'I finally killed you, Spongebob. Winnie the Pooh, you are next', and started laughing like a maniac." Alina said.

Jon slapped his forehead.

"Oh, shit! Who did I kill?"

The girls looked at each other and smiled.

"The highest Bounty Bandit Lord in Solstheim. Here, we collected the proof and the weapon." Bjorna brought a bloody sack with what it seemed to be a head inside it, there was also a Greatsword lying beside it.

"Oh, thank goodness!"

Jon was happy he didn't commit a crime.

"Wulfur also killed a lot the bandits inside with that Fork. It was truly a wonder who someone many bandits died fork wounds inside that rock."

"Good job, bro." Jon said.

Wulfur nodded.

"What happened after that?" He asked.

"You two went out and started drinking and crying, Jon started complaining about his past life over and over again. You then tried to cheer yourselves up and started singing again."

"What did we sing?"

"Something that goes like 'Valhalla ooh la la'." Jull said.

"Oh, not that song, it is a masterpiece, why did I sing it before finishing it?" Jon seemed down.

"Sing what you wrote?"

"Well it's a song that I butchered but it goes like…

♫ Valhalla ooh la la ♫

♫ All of my heart is in Valhalla, ooh la la ♫

♫ I took my axe and went to battle la la la ♫"

"Okay, stop it, my head hurts." Wulfur said.

"Damn, such a fine butchered song! What happened next?"

"You two found another Bull Netch, and things got really weird. You were originally climbing a rock then jumped on top of the Netch, Wulf tried to copy you but he fell, you held his leg before he hit the ground and the Netch started running wild. Got to say though, you two were amazing, such a large-bodied guy like Wulfur and you managed to keep him hanged in one hand. Wulfur too managed to do some Hanging Set Ups training and each time he would stab the Netch's organs with the Fork. It was truly an admirable show of drunkenness and brotherhood."

"Hanging Set Ups? No wonder my body is killing me." Wulfur said.

"This is genius though." Jon remarked.

"As the Netch died and you took a branch from its guts, you two were submerged in slime and decided to swim in the nearest pond. It was a good opportunity for me to steal your clothes." Jullanar said.

"I see, so that's why we are at this state. Thank you." Jon seemed upset about it.

"It is not over yet, as our two adult gentlemen finished playing in the water and drank another keg of mead. You two were enough that we had to put a stop to it. Still, Bjorna came up with the best prank ever." Alina said.

"... I have a bad feeling about this!" Wulfur said.

"She tied your hands to your backs and convinced you to catch your noses." Jull said.

The girls looked at each other and started laughing hysterically when they remembered what happened.

Jon and Wulfur felt like they got wronged but there were more to come.

"Wulfur decided that if he ran into a tree, he would corner his nose. He ran into every tree around the forest like a boar, some of them couldn't even endure his charge at them."

"Pffft!" Jon couldn't hold it and laughed so hard.

Wulfur was upset and didn't look at him.

"Don't laugh, at least he had a good idea for catching his nose. You were a mess."

"Oh boy!"

"You started spinning around on the ground screaming 'It's getting away, it's getting away'."

"Bwahahaha! That's so fun." It was Wulfur's turn to laugh back at Jon.

Jon didn't know where to hide his face but it was already too late, the scandal was out and to his closest people at that.

"Fine, we had enough fun for a day, get up you two, we made a camp nearby, let's fix your hangover."

The girls helped the boys up and headed to the camp they set up, Bjorna was riding on her bear and it scared are the other wild animals away so it was relatively safe to camp here.

Jon drank some hangover remedy and went into a clean set of clothes. He then took out an Enchanting Table from his ring and started putting components of the staff together."

The Eye of Ciirta, the Branch of the Tree of Shades, a few Soul Gems and the Note that from the Message of Sheogorath. Once all were put together, Jon invoked his Magicka into the Enchanting Table and all of sudden, a blinding green fire ate all the components on the table.

"Woah!" Jon was taken aback but noticed the changes going on and the fire died out right away.

There was now only a staff, the Staff of Sheogorath.


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