Chapter 20: Life Essence Training

"Damn it!" Doevm yelled as he fell down for the thousandth time. He was covered in scrapes and bruises. His arms were shaking from both exertion and pain. "One more time." he fell into his old habit of talking to himself. "One." He got into position with his spear at the ready. "Two." He lunged and activated life essence to his legs and arms for extra balance just for a second. He fell down, cursed, and got up.

It had been three weeks since he returned from the mission. Since that time, he trained himself how to combine life essence into his breathing. If he constantly emitted life essence during battle, it would be like only exhaling and taking no time to breath in. If he succeeded in mastering quick bursts of life essence, he could fight at least two times or three times longer.

"One." He got into his stance. "Two." he fell and got up. "One. Two." He fell. "One. Two." and fell. "One. Two." and fell for three weeks straight. When his life essence was emptied, he lay on the floor and pictured Thomas training. That noble was probably far ahead of him by now. Doevm couldn't practice as much as Thomas, nor did he have the elixirs the lord provided.

"It's too hard, so I must be doing something wrong. I am breathing out and applying life essence to the same areas Thomas did, but I keep falling. I thought practice could help. It's been weeks and I've stagnated." He kept muttering to himself about what he could do to improve all the way to the river, where he washed himself off. After, he went to the library.

"What are you doing here?" Thomas asked. He was at his father's desk, reading volume three of the history of the virility household. It was only him and Doevm in the room. "I thought you cleaned in the morning."

"I just need to clear my head, so I returned here to clean. If it disturbs you, I will leave." Doevm bowed.

"No, you can stay, I don't mind." Thomas looked down at his book and flipped the page. Doevm shrugged and continued cleaning.

'Should I ask him about how he trained?' Doevm thought. 'He does consider me his rival, but he doesn't seem to have adapted fully to a spoiled noble mindset. He might pity me as a commoner. If he says no, I don't lose anything, but part of me doesn't want to let him know that I need help.' Doevm cleaned a bookshelf in record time. He let himself fall into a peaceful trance. By the time he decided whether or not to ask, he had already cleaned four bookshelves. He took a deep breath, the question he dreaded asking at the ready.

"Doevm." Thomas spoke first. He held up volume three of the history of the Virility household. "Do you know if there's a fourth volume, and where it is?"

"Uh, no," Doevm was caught off guard and stuttered. "There's always been an empty spot next to that book. I always thought it was because volume four hadn't been made yet and the lord was reserving the space."

"There's never been a fourth volume?" Thomas asked. "But this one only stops at my grandfather while the other two stop at his father and his father before him. My father should be the fourth volume, and he has accomplished a lot already. Are you absolutely sure there's never been a fourth volume?"

Doevm nodded, "I'm sorry young lord, there's always been an empty spot. If it distresses you, I can always ask the lord for you."

Thomas stood up: "No! Don't tell him anything about this." he realized his outburst and sat back down. "Please."

"I won't." Doevm decided to go ask Jameson tomorrow instead and went back to cleaning. He wiped books off and exhaled. His life essence was slowly returning. Each book cleared his head more of every anxiety about the upcoming war. He swept past a book and remembered all of its contents and how much fun he had reading it. His rag dirtied, so he got a fresh one and increased his pace.

"Doevm," Thomas said.

"Yes young master?" Doevm asked, hiding his annoyance.

"Do you remember your mother?" Doevm nearly dropped the books. He managed to "catch" them with his feet. Thomas helped pick them back up, "Sorry, I didn't mean to bring up a sad memory. It's alright if you don't want to tell me about her."

"It was just a strange question." The books had fallen on their pages, so Doevm had to open each one and un-crease the pages. "But yes, I remember her." He could almost hear her lullaby, that terrifying song. The look on her dying face was still etched into his mind. "Why do you ask about that?"

"I just..." Thomas shook his head and looked back at his family history. "I never knew my mother. I want to know what I missed out on. The closest thing I have is an old maid. She's great, but she only calls me young master and won't dare to get close." He picked up the last dropped book and put it on the shelf.

"Let's see," Doevm scrolled through his memories, trying to find one that pictured the good side of his mother. "Didn't your father talk about her?" Doevm said to buy some time.

"No, only that she passed away. No matter how much I pry him, he never comes lose." Thomas went back to the desk and held up the third volume. "There's nothing about her in here, so I was looking for the fourth volume hoping she would be mentioned."

"Maybe he has his reasons." Doevm shrugged. Thomas shook his head and slammed the book shut. "My mother was kind," Doevm said, changing the subject. "She constantly prevented me from doing things. She only wanted me to be in her arms. She scolded me when I got hurt. She went to the rose fields every day and came back tired, but still made time for me. She took care of me when my father ignored me.

"It's hard to describe the feeling except for love, but this kind was different from regular love. It bordered on obsession. She always cared for me, no matter what I did. Sometimes she left for the rose field without even saying goodbye. Sometimes she would be unbearably possessive." 'Well, that was before she lost her mind.'

"I think I understand. Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss." Thomas put his book back and opened the door to leave. "Really, thank you."

The library went back to its usual quiet state of peace. Doevm cleaned book after book, thinking about how he could master bursts of life essence. No matter how he thought about it, he should have gotten it by now. It should have been as simple as applying life essence only to the muscles he used and to deactivate his life essence right after the move. It was easy to apply life essence to his muscles, but only after life essence was activated for a while. With practice, that weakness did not disappear. He finished every book and went to clean even the desk. His thoughts wandered to Rena.

'If she didn't have that job, she would have been with me for every second of every day. What is the line between love and obsession anyway? What would a normal mother be like? Maybe it's not one of the other. Maybe it's somewhere in between love and obsession.' he finished cleaning the desk and walked to the front of the mansion. He didn't really have a destination, he just walked.

'Somewhere in between. Maybe I can get like that with life essence, where it's not fully activated and not off. Maybe I'm thinking about it too much like it's mana, which I just use.' His pace quickened, as did his thoughts. 'Maybe if I...' He turned around, walked back to the mansion, and got his spear. He was too excited to even go out. He practiced right in the mansion.

'What if I can only use a partial amount of life essence. That way I don't get the disorientation from turning it on, and the lag from turning it off. When I attack, I'll use more life essence, and when I do everything else, I'll decrease the amount.' Since it had been an hour or two since his practice, he had regained a little life essence. He activated it, but only partially. The usual thick green mist was now thin and nearly transparent. He waited a few seconds and applied it to the muscles he would be most using.

"One." He got into a stance. "Two." The green mist thickened to a dark color. When he moved, his spear whistled through the air and he remained standing. "Three." He went back to rest position and laughed. "Somewhere in between. This is great."

'I keep my life essence always on in a fight. The only thing I change is the amount I release. When attacking, I let a large amount out and get destructive. When retreating, I barely use any. It's not like breathing at all, just similar. I was wrong! It's more like a gate. To open it, I need to unlock it and spend a ton of effort to pull the two doors apart. Everything is chaotic, and I can't be precise. To close it, I need to push the doors closed and lock it again. It takes a lot of time. The gate isn't something I can just open and close in a second. I need to creek it open, if only slightly, to let only a few drops of life essence out. That way I don't have to lock it and unlock it in a fight. When I need a large amount of life essence, I need the doors ready. I can't take the time to fiddle with the lock. The solution to every one of my problems is to keep the door ajar.' he smiled and went outside to practice.