Chapter 15: I Just Wanna Be Happier
[Music Recommendation: "Blue & Grey" by BTS (instrumental only)-available in Youtube or Spotify] ~ Please listen to it in a loop while you read this part to experience the utmost beauty of this chapter T_T ~
At first, I was nervous. I didn't know where to start or what to say to him. I just kept on saying fillers and stuttering. There was so much I wanted to say. Then, my feeling started swelling up in my chest. I tried to hold it back but I wasn't successful.
"Ahm…," I gulped and looked up, doing my best to hold back my tears from falling. "Just a warning, I might cry so—I mean, if you're feeling uncomfortable, just let me know. And… I'm really sorry for dragging you into this. I just really —"
"It's okay," he interrupted. "Cry all you want. Say all you want. I'll be here to listen."
Ahhh… my tears broke out. To listen to a stranger's troubles—he's really so kind.
"Sniff… You see," I started pouring out everything in my heart, "we were just living peacefully. My dad… he's a kind man, really kind, and a loving father. All he did was continue our family's business, provide for his family, and all in a legal manner. We… we don't aggravate anyone, or do bad things… then, suddenly… sniff… suddenly, those big whales just… hu-hu-hu…"
I tried to tell him a clear story but my mind was jumbled up with my emotions. I ended up crying, and sobbing, and wailing, like an idiot. I curled myself up on the couch, with the headset on my head, and I just cried. I wasn't even sure how long I cried.
"Why are they so greedy?" I continued, "My dad, or we, we're very much willing to sell that land if they want it so badly. We don't even care if they pay us fair or not! They could have it! But why? Why do they have to threaten my dad?"
Anger… sorrow… hopelessness… all my emotions were mixed up.
"I don't care if we become poor or lose our home—as long as we're together, we can just persevere and climb back up. Sniff… but how could they threaten my dad?! What did he do to them? Is it because we're just small fishes that it's so easy for them to bully us? Yes… that's true. There's really nothing we could do about it! Sniff… sniff… and because of that…"
Ahhh… I wanted to scream so bad. I could barely speak anymore. I didn't know if he could even understand what I was saying.
"Do I just have to wait for my dad to die? And maybe us, too? I don't know anymore… I'm just a teenager. I hope there's something I could do to prevent it. But what can a mere child do? How can I be so useless? I can't even help my dad… sniff..."
What's the use of time travelling if I would just watch my dad suffer and die?! Then everything would just repeat itself.
"I just… sniff… I just want us to live happily… and overcome this… Is that too much to ask? Hu-hu-hu..."
Perhaps it was because I've been crying for probably an hour or more already, that I felt my heart become lighter. Though my nose became clogged, and my tears dried up in my face, at least, I felt a little better. Mr. Grim Reaper was really kind to listen to me spout all my nonsense. I'd be eternally grateful to him for this time.
Probably because my sniffs and sobs lessened, that after listening to me for so long, he finally talked.
"Are you feeling better now?" he gently asked me.
"Yes! Sniff… thank you so much!" I immediately responded. "I'm so sorry for making you stay this long and hear me cry. I just met you yesterday and I'm already bugging you and being a burden. I'm really, really sorry!"
"There's no need to be sorry. It's normal."
I wasn't sure if he was just being kind, telling me it's normal.
"People who play this game—most of them either play to enjoy themselves... or to escape reality," he added.
Escape. Yes. I did play today as an attempt to escape the harsh reality.
"Don't feel sorry. Problems are part of life. And you're human so of course you get hurt and cry."
Ahh… he's really kind despite his bluntness. He seemed very mature, too. Maybe he's much older than my current self.
"That's true," I agreed, wiping my tears. "Thank you very much."
"Big whales, huh?"
I chuckled. "Yes. Sorry. My dad and I are used to making analogies with ocean or ocean lives. So he compared them to big whales and us being… small fishes. Well, it's true though."
"I see."
I think I heard a brief chuckle from him.
"In that case, you need the help of the ocean, right?"
My eyes widened. That was the exact thing I thought when I was praying in the bathroom!
"Woah!" I blurted out. "Are you an angel?"
"Pft! What?" There it is! He chuckled!
"Yes! An angel. You see, what you just said—I actually thought the same thing when I was taking a ba—I mean,praying." I quickly changed 'bath' to praying. I somehow felt shy telling a boy that I was bathing for some reason. "Angels hear our prayers, right? You're not a Grim Reaper, you're an angel."
"I'm no angel. I'm just a human."
"Alright. If you say so," I shrugged. I'm joking already, that means I'm feeling better.
"By the way, is your real name Senara Lee?"
"Huh? Ahh… yes," I shyly admitted. "It's probably a total noob-thing to do, right? Ha-ha-ha! I didn't know we could use weird usernames so…"
"Ha-ha!" he laughed again. His laughs were so short. I'd love to hear him laugh longer. "It IS a very noob-thing to do."
"Yeaaahhh. I should really change my name."
"How about Mood Swings?"
Did he just pull a joke on me?
"W-what?!" I should be angry but I found myself laughing hard. "No! I'm not gonna name my character Mood Swings." Honestly, the name was on point—I was crying hard earlier and now I'm laughing.
"Anyway, you should sleep now. Teenagers need sleep to grow or you'll be small."
"Hey! I'm pretty tall myself. I'm 5'6, you know! And I'm still growing. So I'll be 5'7 or 5'8 in the future."
"Yeah, yeah. But you won't grow if you lack sleep."
"Pft! Ha-ha-ha! Yes, sir! I'm going to sleep now. Thank you so much again."
"It's nothing. Don't worry, everything will be fine soon. God won't give you problems you can't solve. You have all the resources you need. If not, then He'll solve it for you, right?"
Awww… my heart. I felt so touched. From now on, you're my idol, Mr. Grim Reaper.
"Yes, that's right," I smiled. Somehow, my heart felt at ease.
We bid our goodbyes after, and I fell asleep peacefully… thanks to him.
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