Chapter 46: Guilty? Not So
*here with a new chapter that finally arrived a bit earlier. Truth be told, this one held a more personal note than many others, thanks to some recent events. Being away from home in a new place does crazy shit to one's mind, I can confirm that. The mental crisis Mark faced was moddled by some recent bullshit I went through, which isn't the nicest event. For everyone who resonates with that scene, just know that there's someone watching over you, always. No one's truly alone, since we have God. So yeah, that's what I have to say. Thank you all for being here and reading this. Enjoy, and see you soon. Peace out and Deus vult.*
Herta was staring at Mark, thinking that he's gone mentally from the strain of too much time spent in there. She was to blame for the secret adjustments she's made, all as a form of revenge thanks to him mocking the Simulated Universe. She didn't expect that to happen, for the time to be enough for the Stellarons to creep up on him. Still, she remains silent.
Himeko stands by his side, bent over him, holding his cheeks in her palms, wiping away the tears with her thumb as they fall.
"Come on, Mark, wake up... please... snap out of it..."
He's still in the same state, his eyes glued shut, with a stream of tears falling on and on. The injections were having no effect whatsoever, so he was just shaking, trying to free himself from the restraints as he kept apologizing over and over.
She looked over at him, feeling her heart hurt at the sight. There was the man who did his best to prevent some incidents. The man who nearly got possessed to save a planet that had nothing to do with him. The man who had gone up against a Lord Ravager as a consequence of his intervention.
"Mark... please..." she whispered, her voice wavering. Gently, her fingers trailed over his cheeks, a soft reminder of reality. One tear fell down on her cheek, ending right on his face.
His cries and wails didn't end, but they turned softer. His body stopped struggling, but it was shaking softly as he cried.
"I'm sorry... forgive me... I'm sorry for leaving, sorry for vanishing... I'd go back home, but I have no way..."
The soft sounds of his promise filled the room. Herta motioned for the researchers to undo the restraints and simply let him move. As the mechanism came undone fully, he curled up and moved no more, staying in the fetal position in a pitiful attempt to hide from the world.
Himeko stood by his side, moving her hand through his hair, unsure whether pleading would do any good. Instead, she stared at him, his bare body shaking slightly from the cool air within the room. She held him gently, slowly lifting him with a bit of a huff, until he was sitting, still in the same position. She wrapped her arms around him, holding him tightly.
"We're sorry, Mark..." she whispered in his ear, resting her cheek against his head. The warmth made him stop shivering, and slowly, he opened his eyes.
"Why... why would you be sorry?" he asked, his voice almost muffled.
"Because we've been skeptical of you. We thought you were with the Stellaron Hunters; we've had our doubts about your intentions; we just... thought you might be up to no good since you held so much knowledge."
He looked over to her, red-eyed with puffy lashes brimming with tears.
"But... what you did was logical... I can understand that... you were just... trying to ensure the safety of both everyone and the Express..."
His words made her feel even worse. She pulled back slightly just to look at him properly. There he was, accepting everything that was thrown at him, taking it in stride, finding reasons as to why their actions didn't deserve to be seen as bad.
"You... you don't blame us?"
He shook his head slightly, wiping his eyes with both palms.
"No, I don't. How could I blame any of you? I'm just some random who happened to come across you and have more than enough information about a lot of things. I can't disclose all, but I told you... I just woke up on that planet. I have lapses in my memories."
She held him tighter, snuggling his frame against her chest, running her fingers through his hair.
"Mark, if you understand what we did as logical, then... why do you blame yourself?"
He said nothing, choosing silence over trying to explain the internal turmoil in his mind.
"We've seen those things that haunt you..."
The words made his eyes widen slightly, memories of the sight coming to him like nails buried in his brain.
"Did you hear what they said?"
She nodded, speaking softly.
"We heard them calling you things, and we've seen faces... repeating over and over... even our own, all watching you and blaming you. Mark, just... how long has this been going on for?"
He muttered softly, trying to measure his words before letting them out. Saying the wrong thing would lead to more harm than good.
"Something this bad didn't happen before, or at least not on this level. Back in Belobog, that's when my thoughts first took this insane turn. Until then, it was just nightmares. Then, nightmares became this scene, only for a moment. I had peace for a moment, even if my feelings were still buried deep within... Phantylia made everything go insane when she tried to enter my body; that's also why I went berserk back then... leaving this moment where my mental toll must have created an opening for everything to manifest."
She nodded against his head, hoping to shield him from himself and the world by enveloping him as much as possible in her own frame.
"Those things, your apology... Mark, you're feeling guilty, but that's not logical. If you didn't blame us, saying that what we did was the right choice, then blaming yourself is the wrong choice too."
He shook his head, coming face to face with one of the oldest issues he's ever had—his mistakes were worse than the mistakes of anyone else. He had no clue when it all happened, but at some point, this mentality became a part of him. No achievement brought him joy, not even writing, but making some mistake crushed his world down.
"I... it's not. I have to do better to make things work... I have to..."
She shushed him softly, her hand gently caressing his cheek.
"You have to forgive yourself, Mark. Your mistakes are like those of any other being. You can make mistakes, you're allowed to. Mistakes are opportunities for growth."
He knew all of it, each and every word she said was something already heard in the past. Still, coming from her, he nearly felt like they were different, like there was more substance to them than an empty promise. He felt like he could make a mistake with her around. He looked up into her eyes, silent. She returned his gaze with a gentle look of her own.
"You can make mistakes, Mark. Forgive yourself. You're not guilty of being away from home, you're not guilty of leaving everyone behind. Whatever circumstances are behind your departure, you're doing your best to adapt, your best to learn, and to accommodate whatever comes your way. You can do it, Mark."
His heart beat louder than ever, sending more than just life into his body. It sent fluttering feelings that were slowly blossoming the right way. She seemed more beautiful in that moment than ever before, making the very stars he's seen look dull.
"I can't..."
The simple sentence came from the deepest part of his heart. He simply couldn't. He was too weak for it, he had no strength to do it. But he had something to hold on to—a promise made by the One above.
"...but I'll keep going. God said he'd grant us all strength. I shall do my best to keep going. I have to stand up no matter what. I'll rise up, always... even through the darkest fog, I'll keep my Light by my side. I'll keep walking through the valley of the shadow of death..."
His sudden change in behavior was something that made her feel joyful. The spark of hope in his eyes was genuine, and it kept glowing brighter. Still, traces of the weight he burdens were still present, for where there's light, shadows appear.
"Thank you, Himeko," he said warmly, looking up at her. In that moment, fueled by the sudden burst of courage, he squirmed a bit in her arms, moving up to plant a soft kiss on her cheeks. Both of them blushed, with Mark being redder in the cheeks than her, but he didn't care. He slowly pulled away and leapt after his clothes, putting them back on in a rush.
"Herta, I think you have some sort of advanced science mumbo-jumbo that can allow me to create clothes and stuff, right?"
She sighed, already annoyed with Mark's usual self returning, even if she was somewhat glad that her hidden agenda that allowed for swift revenge ended well.
"Luckily for you, I do."
He nodded, fully dressed already. Himeko's heart still beat loudly in her chest, soft traces of blush on her cheeks lingering.
"Good, pair that with the salary we talked about to have me here for more experiments from time to time and all that. As much as I don't want to work with them, I think I'll need a bank account from the IPC... to think even the Stellaron Hunters have a perfect credit score, like damn."
He shook his head, returning to the topic at hand.
"Ok, have someone show me to that machine. I need some new clothes, and I better make them reliable and all that. I'm ready!"
He decided to use some energy, just to check the flow in his body. It moved with ease, meaning that his training was fruitful.
"Let's go! I got this. Now, for the next things..."
His body moved naturally into a stance, his fists moving in different combos and styles, striking from different angles. His muscles moved in unison, dancing along to the learned rhythms of countless battles.
"Well, this should work, at least for now. On to the next thi-"
His head shot to the side, followed by a punch that struck the wall. Just like his battle with Jingliu, he saw shadows lingering around, moving, taunting him from the corner of his vision.
"I could have sworn I saw something move," he mumbled, his lips shaking slightly. The images from before came back to him, haunting his mind.
"God, lend me strength," he whispered, then shook his head to try and keep it together.
"I guess my training screwed up with my mind for a bit. Oh boy, I have a feeling that I'm rather cooked."
He sighed, then turned back towards the others, who were watching him with curious gazes. He smiled at Himeko, the feeling of her soft skin against his lips a memory he'd treasure forever.
"I'll be off to get some new equipment ready, alright? Want to tag along?"
She nodded, her composure back to normal. Her character was strong, and Mark loved that about her.
"Sure, Mark. Let's get going. I'm curious about what you'll choose to wear."
He chuckled, already having a bit of an idea in mind. He needed something nimble, light, but also somewhat stylish to suit his usual choices and sturdy enough to handle a beating.
"I'll show you when we're there. Ok, Herta, thank you for the collaboration. Do tell Screwllum that I offer my thanks to him."
With that, both him and Himeko left the room, following one of the researchers to the machine Mark requested. It was nice to have someone like Herta to ask for help with various things, since the items she had were most probably an extensive list of various situational machines.
"How are you feeling, Mark?"
He glanced at Himeko, their eyes meeting once more. A shrug followed by a sigh were his answers.
"I got no clue, truth be told. The training worked; at least I'm glad about that. I should be able to handle a lot more stuff from now on. However, I'm still lacking on a lot of things that are tied to my body. I can use my power, but my body limits me. I can only keep training in reality too."
She nodded, admiring his insistence on getting stronger, despite being a bit shaken by it. The mere thought that he'd make some mistake in order to reach what he desired was troubling her.
"Mark, just... promise me something," she said calmly, with a tinge of sternness that made it clear she was serious. She held his gaze, reading him.
"Promise what, Himeko?"
She took a deep breath, shaking slightly as the idea struck a few chords within her.
"Promise me that you'll never stray from the right path in order to gain strength. I don't want you losing your humanity for that."
He smirked, chuckling loudly.
"I'm throwing away my humanity, Himeko! WRRRYYYY!"
He struck a pose, his arms moving out in a wide arch, extended at his sides. She thought he'd gone insane for a moment, but his continuous laughter made her mad. She smacked him lightly.
"Do that again, and I promise I'll use the thing I carry around in my suitcase, and you won't like it."
He chuckled, rubbing that spot.
"Sorry, but I couldn't help it. It was too good a reference. Anyway, you have my word... I'll remain human, even if I'm no longer one. I always said that I'm 'just a guy', which is true in itself, but... considering my powers and my current state, I can only say that..."
He took a deep breath, his voice shaky as he glanced to the side, towards another shadow.
"I just wish to remain human."
She followed his gaze, but nothing was there. She hummed softly, nodding, putting her faith in him, this time for real.
"Thank you. Don't worry, Mark. We'll be here... this time for good..."
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone