Chapter 5: Of Sparks And Stargazing
Shinji was frozen. The words washed over him like enveloping, warm water. They flowed through him, undeniable and resolute. He felt his stomach flip over and twist, more aware now than ever of his body. The quick tempo of his heart beat loudly in his ears as he stood there, forgetting to breathe.
Kaworu's voice echoed in his mind, which was suddenly wiped free of any other thoughts. He felt as though the rest of the world wasn't real. There was no denying what Kaworu had just said. Those words - those gripping, heavy words - had just fallen from his lips. Shinji heard them replay again and again, like one of his old cassettes.
His tone was so steady. The words flowed from him smoothly despite the shake of his body. It was as if they couldn't be dampened - like they carried far too much heart to be stuttered or cracked.
"I love you..." It had been so quiet, barely louder than a whisper. It seemed to flow directly to Shinji's ears, as though both the words and the sound of them were created specifically for him and him alone.
'The sound of them...' They were silky, kind, and warm. They almost sounded like reassurance - hushed words of consolation, yet they weren't pillowy. They weren't false or sugar-coated. They were equally sweet as they were real. It wasn't just the words either. Those glittering, striking eyes had said it too. Shinji was still staring into them, almost drowning in their depths. The gaze was earnest, as though soundlessly willing him to believe that the words were true. He knew Kaworu wasn't lying.
Kaworu loved him.
He was playing the piano again. Shinji could see it in his mind. The song was slow, it was almost like a lullaby. But those graceful, well-practiced hands weren't working the keys as they had before. They were shaky and stiff - Shinji felt it as Kaworu held his hand - and it was as though they'd slip up at any moment. It was still beautiful, though. Still soothing, breathtaking, and spellbinding, yet there was an air of fragility to it. The performance could shatter like glass, or snap like a thread in a single moment.
Kaworu was vulnerable... so very vulnerable. Shinji felt it in his gaze and his touch, and his heartbeat; he was uncertain. He had no idea what his words would do. He had no idea how Shinji would react.
He wasn't alone, though, because Shinji didn't know how he was going to react either.
He felt helplessly lost in the echo chamber of his own mind. Kaworu's sweet, humming voice held him tightly, and he couldn't figure out what he was feeling. There were too many emotions for him to disentangle. They all just swirled together, almost overflowing.
Every little thought and feeling that he had experienced over the past few days seemed to well up inside of him, no longer able to be shoved away or ignored. They were all vying for attention, twisting his chest, burning him up, making him stutter. It was all too much.
Kaworu loved him.
Shinji had been trying to run from his feelings as best he could because he was too afraid to face them, but he couldn't run now. He was trapped here, forced to think about them because of Kaworu's admission.
A part of him was angry. He felt an aching, pounding weight in his mind. That piece of himself was bitter. It wanted to berate Kaworu, to yell at him, and shove him away. It was his fault that Shinji now had to think about his feelings. It was his fault that he couldn't hide them anymore. Why did he have to say that? Why did he have to confess?
He felt scathing words echo in his mind, feeble, acidic denials and jeers that he would attack Kaworu with to escape the moment.
'Freak! Creep! Pervert! Why would you ever say that to me?! What's wrong with you?! Stay away from me; you're disgusting!'
It made Shinji feel sick. The thought of shooting those words at Kaworu weighed heavily inside of him. He thought about what Kaworu would do. He pictured the fracturing of that delicate kindness in his eyes, and the stiff twitch and jerk of his hand. He could hear his shaky, slow gasp. Shinji felt his heart break from the mere thought alone.
He could see the blurred image of himself walking alone back to his apartment in the pitch-black, frigid night, having left Kaworu standing where he was now, not even bothering to stay long enough to gather his things.
He could see himself curled up in bed, listening to his SDAT, unable to sleep, but unable to move. Shinji looked down at himself as he laid there, staring at the wall with empty eyes. He couldn't even cry.
Shinji hated him.
He was cowardly and pathetic. Shinji felt his fists clench. He couldn't handle his own feelings, and so he had lashed out because he didn't like that Kaworu could handle his own. The boy who laid there, holding his SDAT player in his cold, unmade bed was jealous and weak.
Shinji wouldn't let himself become that.
He wouldn't run any longer. He had to stay here. He'd never want to leave Kaworu broken like that. He still didn't know what he wanted, but he knew he didn't want that.
He felt his anger slowly wilt away. He wasn't mad at Kaworu. He admired him, in a way. Shinji still couldn't even admit his own feelings to himself, and here Kaworu was, holding him close and telling Shinji that he loved him.
Shinji felt like smiling for the merest moment before he felt doubt rise up within him.
Kaworu wasn't supposed to love him. Just as Shinji wasn't supposed to reciprocate. They weren't meant to be anything more than friends. It was wrong.
'Why is it wrong?'
...
' Why is it so incorrect to feel this way?'
Because that's how things are. Guys aren't supposed to feel that way about other guys. It just isn't normal.
'...so what?'
...
'Why should it matter in the slightest if it wasn't normal?'
Shinji felt strangely lucid in that moment. He knew his feelings couldn't simply change. Constantly reminding himself that they were gross and wrong and dumb didn't make them disappear. All that did was create guilt and shame.
He had dedicated so much time to ignoring his feelings and hating himself for feeling them... but that never changed anything. No matter how often he pushed Kaworu away, the thought of him wouldn't leave. He was always there, in the back of his mind. It was painfully obvious now how ridiculous it all was.
He should've known that feelings like those couldn't just go away, no matter how much he willed them to, especially because he didn't truly want them to go away.
They were confusing, new, strange, and unsettling... yet he liked them.
Shinji liked them.
He liked the way his heart skipped when Kaworu touched him. He liked the little fluttery feeling he got whenever Kaworu would laugh at his jokes. He liked the nervousness that came with being cuddled. He even liked the heat on his face whenever Kaworu got too close.
It was all so unexplainably pleasant, and he wanted more of it. That's what he wanted. He wanted to be closer to Kaworu. He didn't want to put up a front and pretend that he didn't like those things anymore. He wanted Kaworu to know how he really felt, but there was no possible way to express it all; there was just too much.
He felt a strange new sensation flare within him. As he continued to stare into Kaworu's searching eyes, he felt it grow stronger.
It didn't matter that they were both guys. It didn't matter that Kaworu was strange and smirky and annoying. It didn't matter that they were so incredibly different from each other.
He thought about his hesitancy to hold Kaworu's hand, and all those girls at school who'd try to win his affection, and that stupid waitress at the café, and his fear of what other people would think if they saw the two of them just now. None of it mattered.
None of it mattered because Kaworu loved him, and that made him happy.
Kaworu was nearing the end of his performance. He was shaking worse than ever, and it was obvious that he could barely hang on any longer.
Shinji sensed that Kaworu could've only been a few seconds away from pulling back. He couldn't hear all that Shinji had just gone through. He seemed ready to flee at any sign that Shinji didn't feel the same, and his nerve to keep standing there, holding him with his shaky hands was very quickly dwindling.
The moment Shinji realized this, he felt his heart jump. He didn't want Kaworu to pull away. He almost felt desperate to convey all that he had just gone through, but suddenly found himself unable to speak. How could he possibly formulate any good response? His mind felt jumbled as he tried to think of any way to tell Kaworu what he was thinking, but he was overwhelmed again.
He inhaled shakily and Kaworu's eyes lit up strangely, looking as though he was trying to prepare himself for what Shinji was going to say, but he didn't speak. He took in Kaworu's suspenseful expression for merely a moment before he suddenly closed the distance between them, lifting his heels off the floor and tilting his head, pressing his lips to Kaworu's.
Shinji closed his eyes, bringing up his hands to rest on either side of his pale, smooth face as he continued to press his lips insistently against him. Kaworu inhaled sharply, and Shinji felt his sudden confidence flicker, but then Kaworu was kissing him back, and his shaky arms slowly wound themselves around Shinji, holding him impossibly closer.
Shinji was more overwhelmed than ever as he felt Kaworu's heart beating hard against his own, shaky, warm breath skating over his face as he exhaled through his nose. He felt himself shake. He closed his eyes tighter. It was like there were a million sparklers going off in his chest as he stood, distantly surprised that his legs could still support him.
They were closer than they had ever been, and Shinji could barely take it. Waves of emotion crashed inside of him, and he was drowning in them.
He was so aware of Kaworu's presence, and he thought about how impossible it was that Kaworu would've ended up falling for him. Shinji had always made it clear that he didn't even like Kaworu. He'd yell, and glare, and roll his eyes, and sigh, and push him away all the time; to Kaworu's knowledge, Shinji didn't even consider him a friend, yet he loved him.
He felt a pang in his heart. Kaworu loved him despite all his abrasiveness. Somehow, Shinji made him happy, even though he acted so cold and rude most of the time.
He felt something in him quiver. Kaworu cared so much. He was so kind and sweet, and it made Shinji's insides heavy.
Who else in his life had ever cared for him so much? His insides grew even heavier, and with another, more intense pang, he realized that those words had never been spoken to him before.
Kaworu was the first person in his life who had ever said 'I love you.'
Shinji felt a hard, painful lump form in the back of his throat. It was horribly familiar, and he wished it would just go away, but it wouldn't. He felt his face grow hotter, a welling pressure behind his eyes.
He hardly even noticed when they pulled slowly away from each other, breaking the kiss. Shinji kept his eyes shut, hands falling from Kaworu's face to rest clenched over his own chest. He didn't want Kaworu to see him cry.
With his eyes shut, he missed how Kaworu blinked open slowly, lips parted as he gazed down at Shinji with misted eyes. He looked awestruck and dazed, as though he couldn't believe what had just happened. Shinji turned his head down to Kaworu's chest, trying to hide his face.
Kaworu gently brought a hand up to caress Shinji's cheek, and the action only seemed to make the lump in his throat more painful. He could barely keep it contained.
"Shinji..." Kaworu murmured breathlessly. Shinji heard the soft utterance, and his breath hitched. Hearing Kaworu speak his name like that - so intimately, as he'd never said it before - was what broke him completely.
He let out a laborious, shaking gasp, as he turned his head down further, wishing to hide. He felt Kaworu stiffen. Hot tears formed in his closed eyes, and he blinked automatically, feeling them stream down his face.
He barely even had the strength to protest when Kaworu cupped his cheeks with his still shaking hands, gently guiding his head back up to look at him. Shinji kept his eyes shut still, not wanting to see Kaworu's face, but he could picture it. Kaworu blinked, eyes widening, and expression surprised, then worried.
He heard it in his tone when he spoke again, echoing his last word in a more uncertain voice, "Shinji...?"
Shinji clenched his jaw and shook his head, trying to suppress the sobs and gasps threatening to spill out of him. Kaworu attempted to wipe away the tears still streaming down his face, and he involuntarily let out a choked sound.
He felt so incredibly embarrassed as Kaworu watched him cry, fruitlessly trying to bite back his sobs. He was shaking so hard, and he defeatedly welcomed Kaworu's gentle coaxing hand which guided them to the floor. Kaworu sat down, holding Shinji tighter still, bringing him into an embrace.
Shinji buried his face into Kaworu's shoulder as he breathed unsteadily. Kaworu kept an arm wound tight around his side, fingers running gentle circles into his back, the other brought up so he could thread his fingers through his dark hair.
Shinji held onto him tightly, fingers gripping the back of his shirt as he sobbed, having completely abandoned his attempt to stifle the sounds.
As he let out rasping sharp gasps and heavy cries that racked his body, Kaworu continued to hold him. He could hear his soft, silky voice hum out comforting little assurances.
He buried his face further into Kaworu's shirt, tears still running thick and fast from his eyes. He couldn't remember the last time he'd cried this hard, and it hurt so much. He kept choking on his own breath, hiccupping, and whimpering. It made him feel weak.
Kaworu had told him he loved him, and now Shinji was crying into his chest. He was ashamed, even though he distantly knew that he shouldn't feel that way. He knew he couldn't help it. He'd been holding it all in for far too long, and now it was all simply flowing out. He'd just have to let it happen.
Still, he felt bad that Kaworu had to see him like this. Shinji knew that he probably had no idea why he was crying, and he was guilty for leaving him in the dark like this, but it wasn't like he could really speak anyway.
And despite how confused he must be, Shinji felt so grateful for Kaworu's unwavering kindness. He was right there, actually holding Shinji, trying to help him get through this. He didn't seem to mind that Shinji was clinging to him hard, shaking, making embarrassing noises, and letting his tears soak into his shirt.
Kaworu really must love him to deal with all that, he thought.
He let out another choked sob, although it was almost laugh like. He felt the comforting warmth of Kaworu's presence wash through him, fighting against that raging current of emotion currently making his chest heave. Somehow, it calmed him down, but made him cry harder at the same time.
He felt Kaworu lay his head softly on his hair, still caressing it with his hand. It was hard to tell through his own trembling, but he suspected that Kaworu had stopped shaking for the most part. That thought soothed him enough to loosen his grip ever so slightly and he tried to calm himself down with more effort.
He had no idea how long they stayed like that, tightly wound around each other as Shinji tried to control himself again, but slowly, his breath settled somewhat, and his sobs grew quieter and less sharp. He was able to swallow less painfully, and the flow of his tears was lighter.
Kaworu hummed, rubbing his back gently. "That's it... deep breaths," he soothed.
Shinji hiccupped as he breathed slowly through his mouth. He sniffled, listening to Kaworu's voice, and took one last slow breath, gulping down the weak sobs still trying to get free.
He pulled back a little, knowing he had to eventually. Kaworu kept his arm wrapped around him, though he looked down at Shinji's face. Shinji attempted to look back, but found himself far too embarrassed after chancing a glance at his eyes.
Kaworu didn't seem to mind his companion's embarrassment however, moving a hand to caress Shinji's jawline, before taking both hands to wipe away his tears.
Shinji forced himself to look at Kaworu through his watery eyes, and met his half-lidded gaze and tiny, sad smile.
He sighed a little. "To tell you the truth, that was not how I imagined my first kiss with you," he let out softly.
Shinji laughed shakily, still feeling as though he might start crying again, though Kaworu's continued siphoning of his tears kept the action at bay. It was calming.
"Y-You've imagined kissing me b-before?" he asked weakly, stuttering from his gasps.
Kaworu looked away and Shinji thought he saw him blush as his smile grew a bit. "Oh... maybe a few times... every so often," he murmured. He breathed and shook his head, returning his gaze to Shinji's, his smile disappearing. "But... oh, Shinji-kun, really, I didn't mean to make you cry; I'd never have said anything if I knew it would make you feel so unhappy."
Shinji let out a little disbelieving noise, subconsciously noting Kaworu's returned use of an honorific. "I'm n-not... I'm not unhappy, Nagisa - not at all. I d-don't think you understand..." he said, shaking his head.
Kaworu kept his hands cupping Shinji's cheeks even though his tears had stopped. He looked into Shinji's face almost analytically, like he was contemplating a math problem. After a time, he sighed resignedly, slowly pulling Shinji into a hug.
Shinji closed his eyes as Kaworu buried his head into his shoulder, and he felt fluffy hair brush against him as he shook it.
"No, I suppose I don't... but I want to. Please," he pressed his head further into Shinji's neck. "Help me understand," he whispered.
Shinji turned his head, nuzzling into soft, grey hair, breathing deeply.
"I want to know how you feel," he whispered.
Shinji felt his heart beating a little quicker and he swallowed. He owed Kaworu this and he had resolved to tell him just moments ago in his own head, yet it was easier said than done. It was hard to be honest. He wasn't used to sharing such intimate feelings with other people, especially not ones he just realized moments ago. He felt he'd have to work up the courage.
His eyes fluttered open. "Y-Yeah, I... I'll tell you, but, um," he swallowed. He wasn't sure exactly where it was coming from, but he suddenly found himself with an idea. "...do you think we could take a walk first?"
Kaworu pulled back from the hug to look at him curiously. "A walk?" he asked, though his tone wasn't at all objecting.
Shinji nodded, feeling himself blush a little as he realized he couldn't go back on this. "Yeah, I'd like to clear my head, and..." He looked away, surprised to find himself smiling as he finished, "I wanna take you somewhere."
Kaworu still looked at him curiously, though a tiny smirk upturned his mouth. "As long as it makes you comfortable, I'll go wherever you'd like to take me," he said kindly.
He unwound himself from Shinji, standing up to offer a hand. Shinji rubbed at his eyes, getting the lingering moistness out before taking it. Kaworu held it for a moment, looking down at Shinji.
"You're sure you're okay with going out right now?" he asked, rubbing the back of his hand.
"Yeah, I'm fine," he smiled. Kaworu nodded, then glanced sideways to look down at the bags of clothing he'd bought earlier.
"I'd like you to dress warmer, I can't have you freezing out there," he said, taking away his hand away to riffle through them, pulling out a few items.
Shinji looked down hesitantly at the insulated jacket Kaworu held out. "Come on now, I insist," he said, laughing.
Shinji smiled, taking the jacket, and slipping it on.
He watched Kaworu button up the black coat he'd so admired on him, before he grabbed Shinji's scarf, smirking as he came forward to wrap it lovingly around his neck. Shinji clenched his hands and looked away, though he didn't protest the action.
His hands rubbed down to Shinji's arms, who repressed a shudder, so unadjusted to these new touches.
"Ready now?" Kaworu murmured. As Shinji nodded, Kaworu's hand slipped further down to entwine with Shinji's, who got the distinct impression that Kaworu didn't want to stop touching him for even a moment. His heart fluttered.
They moved outside, and as Kaworu locked the door behind them, Shinji looked up at the sky. It was almost entirely free of clouds now, and it was barely even snowing. He appreciated his luck; those were favorable conditions for what he had in mind.
They began to walk, and Shinji appreciated the warmth of Kaworu's hand while they moved in silence. As Shinji led the way to the spot he was thinking of, he tried his best to psych himself up for what he'd tell Kaworu. He thought about what he'd say over and over, like a script. He didn't want to mess it up, but he kept starting over, rephrasing things, and scrapping them. He realized that planning it out really wasn't going to do him much good.
It's not like he was preparing to give a speech. As scary as it was to share his feelings, he told himself that he'd just have to get through it when the time came.
He felt a little stupid for caring this much. Kaworu had already told him exactly how he felt, and it was obvious that no matter what Shinji admitted, Kaworu wouldn't reject him. He knew he should've felt secure, yet trying to break down his mental walls was an arduous task all the same.
He tried to reassure himself and it did seem to calm him down, though his heartbeat wouldn't slow its tempo. He glanced sideways at Kaworu, and thought he saw his eyes flick forward, away from his face. He knew Kaworu too must be lost in thought. He didn't look as he usually did when they walked together. That carefree, cool aura he always gave off was replaced now by an almost insecure seeming thoughtfulness. This observation made Shinji more determined to confess his feelings; he didn't like seeing Kaworu anxious.
Gently, he squeezed Kaworu's hand, looking away from his face. As Kaworu parroted the motion, Shinji saw him smile a little. He must've been able to sense Shinji's nerves.
With time, the sound of crickets seemed to grow louder around them, and they'd moved well away from the densest part of the city. Things were more natural here, fewer buildings and more trees, grass, and flowers.
Kaworu looked around curiously, taking in the apparently unfamiliar surroundings. They'd moved beyond where the streetlights were, and it was much darker here, though Shinji knew where he was going without the guidance of light, and so he led them along a path of frosted grass flecked with snow.
The trees grew a bit closer and more plentiful, and it was mostly quiet, occasional chirping from bushes being the only sound other than their footsteps. The invisible path Shinji led inclined, taking them up a shallow kind of hill.
As they rose, the trees ended, forming around a small grassy clearing near the edge of the hill, which led off into a steep drop a few feet in length. It wasn't long; a tall enough person might've been able to climb up it.
They came to a slow stop then, and Shinji turned to Kaworu a little embarrassedly as he took in the surroundings.
"Well, here we are," Shinji said lamely. He clenched and unclenched his hand unconsciously as he went on. "I-I know it seems random to bring you here, but..." he walked forward a bit, to sit a few inches from the edge in the spot he usually did. "I don't know... I just felt like it would be the right place to take you..."
As he trailed off, he looked at Kaworu anxiously, who almost seemed to float forward, lowering himself to sit next to Shinji, still looking around.
He had a small smile on his face as he looked down at the landscape the hill opened up into. It was dark, no buildings or man-made structures, just clumps of trees, clusters of flowers, and occasional streams. The water in them flowed slowly, as if it was ready to fall asleep under the moonlight, which made it glitter.
"It's so beautiful here, I didn't know the city even contained places like this," he said, glancing back over his shoulder, indicating the path they'd taken leading back to the black outlines of glowing buildings. He looked back at Shinji. "It's so secretive; how did you come across such a pleasant area like this?"
Shinji shrugged, looking down into his lap. "Well, I spent a lot of time wandering the city when I was younger. A stupid thing to do now looking back, but, I mean, I was just a kid, and no one stopped me. Anyway, I remember it was getting late, but I didn't want to go home yet. I found that foresty opening, and I passed through it. I watched the sunset from here, and I thought it was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen.
"I came back every day after that at the same time, but then I stopped since my uncle grounded me. He was mad I kept coming home too late." Kaworu laughed, and Shinji smiled.
"I still came here, just not as often. Whenever I was stressed or upset, I'd always just kinda find myself showing up. One night I snuck out and laid down in the grass, just wanting to get away from things... and well," he motioned up to the sky. "When I opened my eyes, I realized I never wanted to stop looking up."
Kaworu cast his gaze upwards to the previously pitch-black night. His mouth opened and he let out an awed breath. The stars were everywhere. The sky was filled with millions of glowing dots, endless clusters of differently sized stars and constellations. The longer you stared the more you could see, and it was all illuminated gently by the large moon, which looked nearly full and magical.
"There's too much light in the city for us to see any of this usually, but here, it's so dark. I'd never seen a more beautiful sky than I did that night," he murmured quietly, looking up too.
"It was like a little secret I carried around with me - this place. I never told anyone about it, and I always came alone. It was almost like my own world."
He gazed sideways at his companion. His hair was shining, almost glowing white, and those red eyes were deep and glittering; they looked like they held the entire night's sky within their depths, the light reflected in them beautifully.
"You're the only person I've ever come here with," Shinji breathed out.
Kaworu turned to him with those breathtaking, star-filled eyes. His expression was curious. Shinji couldn't exactly name it; possibly it was surprise, admiration, pride, or simple awe. Whatever it was, Shinji felt it stir up all his feelings once more.
Kaworu smiled slowly. Once again, it was that smile that Shinji didn't fully recognize. It was wide and kind. It made those bright eyes of his look almost teary.
"Oh... I can't tell you how much that means to me, Shinji-kun. Thank you so much for bringing me here," he said, voice barely above a whisper.
He leaned forward and pulled Shinji into a hug, shifting closer to fully embrace him. Shinji held him back tightly.
Just as always, this place let him drift away from his fears. He felt at peace with himself. He didn't want this moment to end, and he felt now that telling Kaworu about his feelings could be the only thing to make it better. He needed Kaworu to feel that peace too.
When they pulled back, Kaworu finally asked, "So, do you think you're ready to talk now?" Shinji tried not to smile at the eager little note in his voice.
He nodded wordlessly, leaning into his side, and looking out over the hill. He took a deep breath, able to see it mist the air in front of him.
"Well... over these past few days I've started to feel... I don't know - different, I guess. I mean, before I've always just kinda thought of you as my weird, creepy classmate."
Kaworu's expression looked indignant. Shinji fought down a smile as he made a little displeased grunt. He continued.
"But then... something changed. The more time I spent with you, the more you talked to me, the more you touched me... I just-" he shook his head again, "I realized that I... I liked you." He heard Kaworu's breath stutter, and he could feel himself redden, but he kept speaking.
"It was so weird; it just came out of nowhere. I didn't really know what to do. I mean, one second, I'm pushing you away, the next I'm wishing you were closer to me.
"I told myself it was wrong, these feelings..."
Kaworu looked a little confused at this. "Wrong?" he asked, tilting his head.
Shinji blinked at him feeling himself blush, trying to figure out how to explain it without embarrassing himself. "W-Well I don't really care now but... y'know... it's not exactly normal. I'm not supposed to feel that way about a..." he trailed off, motioning weakly to Kaworu's general person. Kaworu looked nonplussed.
Shinji let out an exasperated breath, closing his eyes as he forced out the words. "I'm not supposed to have a crush on another guy." He blushed hard.
Kaworu stared, then his face turned slightly somber. "Ah," he voiced quietly, "That..."
Shinji looked at him sadly, thinking fast. "B-But I already said I don't care about that anymore. It's... it's stupid. It shouldn't matter." He shook his head. He felt his heartbeat quicken as he looked down at his lap, hands clasped together.
"I like you anyway. And I realize that now." He huffed, turning his head up to the sky. "I'm so stupid. I've been pretending like everything's normal. Like you're not my friend and like I don't care about you.
"I just can't take that anymore. Even though you get on my nerves, and I think about socking that stupid smirk off your face sometimes, I... I do care about you."
He turned to face Kaworu. He could see the almost dazed look he had in his eyes, like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. Somehow, the gentle, pink flush Shinji could see on his face in the dark gave him the confidence to continue, despite his intensely beating heart.
He shakily reached out to hold Kaworu's steady hand. "I don't hate you in the slightest. I'm happy that you love me, and I wanna make you happy too." Shinji forced himself to meet his eyes full on. "That's how I feel, Nagisa."
The silence that stretched between them after that felt agonizing. He watched Kaworu's starstruck face, praying that he would finally do something, anything to respond. He held his breath as Kaworu's face broke out into a sudden watery smile.
"Oh... Oh, Shinji-kun... you don't know how much I've wanted to hear those things from you." He pulled Shinji into another hug, this one more insistent, as if proving how grateful he was.
He breathed shakily into Shinji's neck. "I love you so much," he whispered. " Thank you... Thank you for saying that."
Shinji shut his eyes tightly, feeling that rising lump in his throat again at his words. He swallowed it down hard. "C'mon... you don't have to be so emotional... you're gonna make me cry again," he warned.
Kaworu took a contented breath, nuzzling a little further into Shinji's neck, before he retracted just enough so that they were face to face again.
Shinji felt those wonderful butterflies return as Kaworu watched him through half-lidded eyes, that smirk - that damned, sweet, little smirk - on his lips.
He leaned forwards and Shinji embarrassedly pressed their foreheads together, stopping Kaworu just short of kissing him. He smiled in spite of himself as he heard Kaworu's teasing, little laugh.
Shinji pulled back as Kaworu continued to observe his features, and he leaned against Kaworu's side instead, looking out over the hill again, trying not to squirm at his gaze.
After a few moments of silence, Shinji broke it to ask, "So… how long have you had a crush on me?"
Kaworu hummed a little, leaning into Shinji's side too, turning his head to rest it on Shinji's. "Oh... since about a week after we met, if I recall correctly," he murmured casually.
Shinji blinked, leaning back off Kaworu's side to stare at him, wide eyed. "What?! S-Seriously?" he gawked.
Kaworu smiled shamelessly back at him nodding.
Shinji shook his head. He'd liked him all this time...? He had a sudden, shocking revelation. Was that why Kaworu was always so weird and touchy? Because he'd really been chasing after him for more than a year now? He felt a jolt in his stomach, thinking about all those off-color jokes and teasings he'd been bombarded with since their meeting. Kaworu had been flirting with him for God knows how long, and Shinji had never even realized. Hell, hadn't he tried to kiss him just yesterday?
'Jeez,' Shinji thought, 'I really am an idiot.'
He could've laughed. Instead, he tried to voice the sudden thought he'd just had. "B-But... you hardly even knew me. Wh-Why would you...?" He trailed off, staring searchingly into his eyes. "Nagisa, why do you like me so much?"
Kaworu gave him a soft, thoughtful look. After a few moments he leaned his head on Shinji's shoulder, entwining their fingers.
Shinji shakily wrapped them around his hand as Kaworu murmured, "Do you remember the first time we met?"
Shinji let out a breath of laughter. How couldn't he? It'd been such a strange incident. It still gave Shinji all kinds of odd, indescribable feelings, even looking back.
The school day was about to start, and Shinji had found himself walking to the auditorium to store his cello, which he'd brought home the previous day to practice.
As he neared the door to the large room, he thought tiredly about how really inconvenient and annoying it was to have to carry his instrument case to and from school so often. When he entered, he felt his mundane thoughts suddenly wiped from his mind however, to be replaced with disorientation. He stood holding the door open, looking at the stage framed by hundreds of seats.
The grand piano was situated in the middle, and there was a boy sitting at it under a bright, yellow-tinted spotlight, throwing the rest of the large space into darkness. His eyes were closed, and he was playing something, yet in his befuddlement and early-morning fatigue, Shinji hadn't processed the music.
He blinked a few times, stepping forwards uncertainly. As he came within a few feet of the stage, he took in just how strange the boy's appearance was. He was incredibly pale, skin untouched, almost glowing in the bright light. His hair was wild and grey. Shinji had never seen him before.
Then, the boy spoke, making Shinji jump, as he'd assumed he went unnoticed up until that point.
"How astounding it is that humans are able to express their own souls in such clarity without the need for words." He lifted his hands off the keys, apparently done playing.
He opened his eyes, turning his gaze on Shinji. "I see you're a musician too; you must know what I mean."
Shinji stared at him, mouth slightly open. His eyes were a deep, piercing red. Shinji felt a sudden rush of emotion. It was almost nostalgic, as if he'd known the boy for years. As if he'd been a childhood friend whom he was simply meeting again after a long time apart. He felt so familiar. Though Shinji knew he couldn't be. The only childhood friend he'd ever had was Asuka, and he figured that if he'd ever met a person as strange looking as this one, he would've remembered it distinctly, yet he couldn't. It was simply a feeling - an indescribable sensation - that he knew him.
He recalled fleetingly his first run in with the new girl in his class, Rei Ayanami. Her eyes too were strikingly red, and he'd also experienced that eerie rush of familiarity upon their meeting. Who was this boy?
He leaned forwards, looking down from the stage, that smirk of his growing. "You play the cello?" he inquired quietly.
Shinji felt himself blush a little, realizing that he'd been staring. His grip tightened a little around the strap of his cello case. "O-Oh," he stammered out, "Yeah."
The boy seemed to contemplate him for a moment and Shinji felt strangely as though he were being x-rayed. The boy hummed, looking quite pleased as he stood from the bench, pushing it in and elegantly dropping from the stage to stand before Shinji.
"I seem to have gotten myself turned around," he said, still smiling. "I'm lost."
Shinji backed up a bit, wanting to distance himself from the other boy, who had gotten uncomfortably close. "You, um, need help finding your class?" Shinji asked slowly.
Remembering what he'd come here for, he made to walk backstage, and the boy followed him, nodding.
"Class 2-A," he chirped, "Can you take me there?"
"2-A?" Shinji murmured, carefully dropping off his cello case, "Yeah, that's my class, actually. I didn't know we were getting a new student."
"Oh, how delightful! I've yet to come to class and I've already made a friend," he said happily as Shinji turned back to face him.
Shinji gave him a weird look, thinking that their odd little interaction couldn't really constitute the beginning of a friendship. "Yeah, um," he hummed out. "Who... Who are you, anyway?"
The boy held out his hand, somehow smirking wider still, "My name is Nagisa. Nagisa Kaworu."
Shinji looked down at his hand for a moment, before hesitantly taking it. He gasped as the boy pulled him closer by the arm. "And you?"
Shinji took his hand away from his grip. "I-Ikari," he said, stepping back.
"Ikari Shinji."
The boy called Kaworu laughed a little. "Well then, it's very nice to meet you, Ikari Shinji-kun."
Shinji turned from his glimmering eyes to walk back out of the auditorium, Kaworu following incredibly close behind as he muttered out a little, "Yeah, you too, Nagisa-kun..."
Climbing back out of his memories he responded, "Of course I remember. You were all kinds of touchy with me back then too."
Kaworu laughed. "When I saw you standing there, I felt... intrigued. There was something about you - something so different from everyone else I'd ever met.
"I'd never felt that interested in another person, not until I locked eyes with you. You had such a meaningful gaze. In that moment, I knew I wanted to get closer to you. I wanted to explore that sensation you inspired in me."
He rubbed the back of Shinji's hand. "You know, I thought about you all the time. I realized my infatuation not long after." He turned to face Shinji, raising his other hand to cup his cheek.
Shinji looked back as he softly stroked his cold face with a thumb.
"You're so special, Shinji-kun. I've never met another person like you - who warms me the way you do."
He leaned against him. "I love you because you have an inner beauty unmatched by any other. I simply adore you."
Shinji stared at him. No one had ever said anything that affectionate to him before. It almost felt indecent.
Kaworu's misty smile turned slightly smirky. "And of course, it does help that you're so incredibly cute," he added. Now, Shinji really was embarrassed, sputtering a little.
Kaworu laughed sweetly at his reaction. "It's true," he teased, "You're beyond adorable when you blush, Shinji-kun."
Shinji felt himself do just that, closing his eyes as his face grew hot, willing himself not to pull away even though his embarrassment was eating at him.
"Y-Y2eah... right. As if I'm anywhere near as attractive as you. You're a lot prettier than I could ever be..." he argued.
Kaworu hummed happily, seeming to appreciate Shinji's newfound affection greatly. Shinji was glad he savored it so much, since he really didn't think he could keep up the confidence to speak it too often.
"No matter what I see in the mirror, it'll never compare to what I see when I look at you. In my eyes, nothing could be more beautiful."
The warmth of Kaworu's words spread through the air around them. How could anyone speak so smoothly and lovingly? As he fully took in the honesty behind the words, Shinji wondered dazedly if Kaworu was even real. He was so utterly unusual. Sometimes, he didn't even feel human. It was so unbelievable that someone like him would ever feel the way he did about Shinji. He'd be the first to admit that he was thoroughly average. Nothing about Shinji really seemed to stand out. He wasn't overly attractive, or charming, or charismatic. At most, he was kind of good at an instrument and maybe a little smarter than other people. As if any of that compared to the apparent luminary that was Kaworu Nagisa.
The idea that Kaworu found him so beautiful was baffling. But at the same time, it was incredibly comforting. To think that the boy who made heads turn wherever he went would focus so much of his attention on someone who blended right in with the crowd filled Shinji with a great appreciation.
If Kaworu could love him so much, then there really must be something special about him. He felt almost prideful, realizing how rarely he experienced that feeling as he focused on his companion's ethereally flawless face.
He'd never felt so full. Meeting Kaworu's gaze in that moment, he understood his feelings. He understood the way Kaworu's heart must skip whenever they touched. He understood how happy he must get whenever Shinji reciprocated his touches.
He understood because that's how he felt too. Kaworu loved him, and Shinji loved him right back.
His stomach flipped as he finally voiced the confession in his mind.
Shinji loved him.
Every little thing about him. He loved his perfect skin. He loved his poetic words and silky voice. He loved his stupid, messy hair. Even the little things that annoyed him to no end like his smirk and his touchiness and whininess - He loved it all. He was beyond head-over-heels for this idiot.
He might've cried again had it not been for the emergence of a much more pressing impulse.
He wanted to show Kaworu how he felt now, not just tell him. He made up his mind, leaning in ever so slightly. Kaworu, who seemed to have been waiting for this, eagerly tilted his head, hand still cupping Shinji's cheek as he closed the distance between them.
Shinji's eyes fluttered closed as Kaworu's lips met his, but it wasn't exactly how it had been before. Head much clearer than it was earlier, Shinji made sure to really appreciate the feel of the kiss, not just the action itself.
His heart leapt, little sparks of fire jumping in his chest as he registered the softness of his lips. He could feel the gentle pressure Kaworu's mouth was exerting on his own, and breathed out gently against his face. Both of them were blushing from the closeness; Shinji could feel the heat radiating from their faces even in the chilled air.
He felt Kaworu's nose gently brush his cheek as he retracted ever so slightly, only to capture Shinji's lips once more, hand at his cheek moving to delicately stroke the back of his head.
Shinji's hand rose unconsciously to rest on Kaworu's jaw, and he felt pleased to find that his skin was just as soft as it looked. He felt fluffy hair tickle his face, and swiped it gently out of the way.
Even though Shinji took care to note every little, intimate detail of the kiss, it was completely lost on him how much time had passed. It could've lasted two seconds, or two hours for all he knew. Yet he couldn't care less.
Finally, they broke apart slowly, Shinji regretting his need for oxygen, though he felt satisfied, gazing at Kaworu's lightly panting, blushing expression. He'd never get enough of that awestruck look in his eyes.
"You're so wonderful, Shinji-kun," he whispered into the space between them.
Shinji sighed, smiling as he pressed his forehead to Kaworu's. He didn't want to move away from him now. He recalled how Kaworu had said his name after their first kiss. He acted impulsively, wanting to hear it again.
"Y'know," he murmured lightly, looking down, eyes almost closed, "Just 'Shinji' is fine."
He heard Kaworu let out an excited little noise before responding, smirk clearly audible, "Then so is 'Kaworu.'"
Shinji looked up at him. Kaworu's smirk only grew. "Well, we are friends now, aren't we? It's only fair."
Shinji rolled his eyes as he pulled back a little, still smiling. "Yeah, friends..." He sighed. "Fine, you win."
Kaworu hummed, satisfied, and Shinji felt one of those familiar twinges of annoyance flicker weakly in his chest, yet somehow, it only made his affection for Kaworu grow.
"Oh," he voiced, reaching out to cup his face. "Let me hear you say it, Shinji."
He felt his heart leap nervously at Kaworu's tone, happily drinking in the sound of his name in Kaworu's silky voice. Then he felt a sudden conviction to beat Kaworu at his own, playful game.
Taking advantage of his confidence, he took one of Kaworu's hands, pressing the palm to his lips.
He smiled irresistibly at Kaworu's surprised, delighted expression. His heart beat hard, and he felt incredibly giddy as he finally said what he knew he needed to.
"I love you too, Kaworu."
At the admission, Kaworu's delighted smirk turned completely dumbfounded. Shinji fought down a laugh, watching his star-filled eyes flick between both of his own, as if searching for some kind of punchline, like he didn't believe Shinji was serious.
Then he let out a little choked noise, somewhere between a laugh and a sob. Shinji saw the trace of tears form in his eyes as his hands delicately drifted away from Shinji's face.
Then suddenly, he'd launched himself forward with a jubilant cheer, wrapping his arms around Shinji, who'd overbalanced at the unexpected force. He fell back into the soft, frosty grass as Kaworu squeezed him tightly, burying his head in Shinji's neck, not seeming to care in the slightest that their positions had changed.
Shinji squirmed a little, though he gave up the attempt at freeing himself quickly, surprise giving way to a wave of relief. He'd finally said it.
Shinji loved him, and he was proud Kaworu loved him back. He was happier than he could express. He almost wanted to shout it out for the whole world to know, yet he also wanted to whisper it, again and again to himself like it was a secret he needed to forever hold onto.
He laughed without meaning to, wrapping his arms around Kaworu too, holding him even closer. They shifted, holding each other as they laid on their sides in the grass.
"You really mean that?" Kaworu asked, pulling back a little to look into Shinji's face, and he could see those tears glittering at the corners of his eyes.
"Don't be stupid," he said softly. "You know I do."
Kaworu smiled widely at him. "Oh, Shinji, I've dreamed about this moment for so long. I'm so happy."
He ran a hand down the back of Shinji's head, fingers lightly tickling his neck, inspiring a pleasant, little shiver.
"Yeah," he breathed out. "I can see that." He shakily pressed his hand to Kaworu's chest. "I'm happy too. I... I'm glad you're with me the way you are. Thank you for that," he added.
Kaworu breathed shakily, seemingly to collect himself. He smirked a little and laughed. "Of course. And thank you for asking to hang out with me. None of this would've happened if you hadn't been so bored."
Shinji laughed lightly, but then Kaworu laughed too, and he found that he couldn't stop. He kept laughing, feeling his face redden, closing his eyes to fall into Kaworu's neck, feeling his body shake with his own giggles.
When they'd calmed down, Shinji caught his breath, pulling back to see Kaworu blushing, a poorly suppressed smile on his face. Gently, Shinji ran his thumb over the pink tinge, feeling his chest squirm pleasantly when Kaworu closed his eyes, leaning into it.
"I'll never tire of your touch," he said, looking as though Shinji's little gesture was the most rejuvenating possible feeling.
Shinji shook his head slightly. "God, you're so mushy..."
Kaworu smirked, opening his sly eyes. "It's not my fault you melt me the way you do."
Shinji blushed a little, flopping onto his back to look up at the sky rather than at Kaworu's eyes.
Kaworu similarly laid back, gazing at the stars. After a few minutes, he sighed.
"Really, though. I'm so grateful you decided to stay with me for the break." He looked a little shy again. "I've been wanting to tell you how I feel for a while now..."
"Yeah?" Shinji asked quietly, still looking up. He glanced sideways. "How come you waited so long to tell me?"
Kaworu put his hands behind his head. "Well, I was always too nervous. There have been times in the past where I came close to saying it... but I just couldn't do it. This time felt different though. I was determined to tell you."
Shinji let out a breath at that, looking into the past and wondering when exactly Kaworu had been on the brink of telling him how he felt.
"Huh... well, it's a good thing you waited 'till now. I probably would've yelled at you if you said you loved me before."
Kaworu laughed. "Yes, that is what I was afraid of."
Shinji shook his head, smiling. He thought for a moment. "So... what made this time different? W-was it because I was acting different than normal?" he asked, wondering suddenly if Kaworu had sensed his dissonance over the past few days.
Kaworu seemed to mull over the question. "Oh... I believe that was part of it. I thought maybe there was something different about your behavior, but I wasn't so sure. I didn't think there was any way you could've felt the same. You're always so mean to me, after all," he said, sounding playfully pouty.
"Deep down... I think I knew you didn't truly dislike me. I'm glad to see I was right."
Shinji rolled his eyes at his triumphant tone, making Kaworu smile wider. "But anyway, I felt a certain... intuition, I suppose you could say. There was something urging me to tell you. Somehow, I felt sure in my heart that you wouldn't snub my affections this time.
"I was still so anxious... but I just had to tell you."
Shinji closed his eyes. Hearing all this seemed to clear his mind. He didn't feel so weighed down with his own emotions now. They'd finally shared all they'd needed to, and it was so wonderfully comforting to know that he hadn't been the only one too scared to speak.
"I... I really can't tell you how relieved I am that you told me. I'm not sure I ever would've accepted how I felt if you'd never said it first." He glanced at him again. "I guess that's all I really needed."
Kaworu smiled at him, then turned back up to the sky. Shinji was sure Kaworu was experiencing that same weightless feeling he was going through right now. He was unburdened and light. It was as if he could drift off into the night sky he was currently admiring.
They were silent for a long time, simply laying there, until Kaworu spoke again.
"I think I could lay under the stars with you forever. Nothing could ever compare to this."
Shinji looked over at him, watching his breath fogging the air. "Nothing?" he asked quietly.
Kaworu smirked again. "Well," he said, turning to look at Shinji. "There may be just one other thing..." His smile grew even wider as he inched a little closer, looking expectant.
Shinji sighed, smiling slowly at him. "Fine, just kiss me then."
They laid there under the never-ending expanse of black, inky sky, completely wrapped in each other. As he basked in the feel of Kaworu against him, Shinji wondered if he'd ever stop pestering him now. Weakly, he pictured Kaworu besetting him with even more affection than before, and he pondered if it was possible to drown in love. He smiled into the kiss.
Well, he thought, the future's in the future. He narrowed his mind to this moment once more. This one, wonderful night. Possibly, it could end with them falling asleep in each other's arms. Shinji couldn't decide if he liked that outcome more than the one where they stayed up, simply being in each other's company until the sun rose.
He'd like to show Kaworu how beautiful this place became when the sun was over the horizon. Although, he thought, even if they didn't stay up long enough to see it tonight, there would most definitely be more opportunities in the future.
He felt it in his heart. They had all the time in the world.
He focused once more on the feel of Kaworu's lips. That was all that mattered just now.
Nothing could've felt better.
Weekly Power Status
-- Power
Ranking 
-- Power
stone