Chapter 41: Hesitation and Determination
Kael didn't feel or think much as he looked at the young man standing in front of him. He was a teenager with blondish hair and eyes as yellow as his hair. He must have been sixteen or seventeen. But... it was clear at a glance that he had a timid demeanor. His small stature didn't seem to help him much in this regard either.
"Yes?"
Kael asked politely. His position as a mercenary was clear. He was technically his 'employer' and respect was the best option.
"Um... am I disturbing you?"
Yes, indeed he was...
"No."
But Kael was not going to say that.
"May I sit down, then?"
Kael nodded his head. The teenager's lips curled up slightly, then he crouched down.
"I'm a little... scared, to be honest. The other mercenaries look scary, my father is not very helpful either... But you look different. You're even younger than me!"
Kael tried hard not to roll his eyes. But he resisted, he couldn't make a wrong move.
"You don't need to be scared."
How ironic it was that it was he who said that...
"You don't act like your age. Again, if I don't bother you... why did you become a mercenary?"
'But you are, you're actually bothering me! Just go away!'
"There was not another thing I could do."
"Oh..."
The blond-haired teenager paused after Kael's answer. It was as if... he realized he had made a mistake.
But he didn't apologize or do anything. He just...
"I see."
Kael paused for a moment, his eyes shifting to the teenager sitting next to him. He could see that his expression had turned serious. He didn't look pitying, he didn't look sad, even if he knew he had made a mistake.
He was just... looking at the sky.
'Huh...'
The teenager tore his eyes away from the moon and stars. Then looked back at Kael. With that, he saw the surprise on his face. His lips curled upwards again, but this time... his previous timidity seemed to have disappeared a little.
"What? Did you expect me to apologize, to be sorry?"
Kael nodded honestly. Meanwhile, the teenager smiled.
"But... if I apologized, it would only make you angrier, wouldn't it? If I pretended to be sorry, you'd think I felt pity for you, maybe even that I was a hypocrite."
Kael was really surprised this time. He really didn't think this guy... would be like this.
"Everyone has different things going on in their lives, I know that. And... I think I made you a little uncomfortable, I know that too. It's just... I was really feeling bored with all these adults, and I thought it would be nice to have someone to talk to. That's why I came to you."
He paused for a moment, covering his mouth as he yawned deeply.
"But... now I feel really sleepy."
He stood up. Then, he looked at Kael and smiled one last time before going to the other merchants, his father.
"Thank you for protecting us, even if it's just because you're getting paid. And... for not kicking me out of your side. And... I hope you can fulfill your purpose as a mercenary, even if I don't know your reasons."
He said nothing more, turned, and walked back to his group sitting in the center of the campfire. Kael stared after him with a blank expression.
After a short moment, he swallowed hard. He watched the campfire and the four sitting around it.
The old merchant, obviously the teenager's father, seemed angry with him. Probably because he had gone to Kael. But after a short while, they returned to themselves as if this had been forgotten. They told each other things, watched the fire and the sky, laughing all the while.
And Kael... watched everything.
He shouldn't have watched, but he did.
He watched how happy the people he was going to kill were.
He watched how the people whose futures he was going to destroy were making plans for that very future.
Finally, when everyone went to sleep and the campfire was extinguished, he regained consciousness. He had come out of a hypnosis that had taken over everything. And... his eyes gradually widened as he realized this.
'No...'
He felt himself trembling as he shook his head slightly from side to side.
He didn't want this.
He didn't want to kill these people, to take away their dreams.
But... he had to. It was his mission. Wasn't this... a stepping stone for his future, a stepping stone that he would step on mercilessly?
But he didn't want to do it.
"We will stand guard for the night."
He paused at the voice of the old mercenary, his eyes slowly shifting to the trio standing not far from him.
"We'll take shifts in twos. Alya and Ishnar will take the first watch, and Kael and I will take the second. Any objections?"
No one made a sound.
So, everything was decided.
*******
Kael did not sleep even though he knew he should while others, Alya and Ishnar, stood guard.
He was thinking as he watched the star-filled sky. He was doing a lot of thinking, really.
He was terribly hesitant about his mission. And... he was a little bit scared. After talking to that boy, after watching them communicate with each other... all his resolve was shattered.
But he knew he couldn't stop.
His eyes squinted slightly as he remembered what he had thought before accepting this mission.
He had accepted that he should not care about anyone else, that this was the only way he could take a life. But... he had made a mistake in thinking that way. It wasn't just about caring for others.
One by one, he thought about everything he had ever experienced. Starting from his childhood to this moment, he replayed everything in his mind.
In the end... he only squinted his eyes even more.
He raised his left hand, pointing it towards the sky. He buried himself in silence, in darkness. And then...
'I have to, right?'
Yes, he had to do it.
'Didn't I say that I had to change even more?'
Yes, he did.
'Didn't I accept that no matter how bad I felt... I had to become a murderer?'
Yes, he did.
'Then why do I hesitate?'
...
...
He looked at his hand pointed at the sky. He closed his fingers one by one, clenching his fist.
'I... will do it.'
He was going to be someone disgusting. He was going to be someone who took away people's dreams. He was going to be ruthless. Not someone who didn't care about anyone but himself, but someone who didn't even think about anyone except himself.
It didn't matter how he felt afterwards.
Just as he had said before, this... would be a stepping stone for him.
And with that thought, he put his hand down again. He closed his eyes, but did not sleep. He was silent for minutes, hours. He waited and waited until it was his turn to be on watch... not making a sound, preparing himself non-stop.
And... finally, the time came.
"Kael, wake up."
It was the old man's voice, right beside him.
Instead of opening his eyes immediately, Kael blinked slightly, then yawned as naturally as he could. He looked up at the old mercenary standing over him with half-open eyes and a puzzled expression on his face.
"It's our turn to watch."
"Ah..."
He wiped his eyes with his hands, then yawned once more. Nevertheless, he straightened up from where he was lying, then stood up.
"Here, drink some water."
He took the waterskin handed to him and poured it down his throat. Finally, feeling a little 'awake', he handed it back to the old man.
His eyes turned to Alya and Ishnar, who had finished their watch. He watched them slip smoothly into their sleeping bags. Then the old guard called out to him again.
"Stay close to the group, I'll be circling around us the whole time."
Ah, he was not to be trusted again...
He wasn't complaining, though.
It didn't matter.
And so, the minutes ticked by. Alya was the first to fall asleep. But it was hard to tell if Ishnar was asleep or not. He was really strange... his body didn't move at all as if he wasn't even breathing.
The old mercenary was more alert than ever too. It was clear that the slightest movement in his surroundings would alert him.
Kael waited even longer. He wanted Alya and Ishnar to fall into a deep sleep. He also wanted the old man to get a little tired from moving around all the time. And so, he kept waiting.
At the end of the first hour... he took a deep breath. The old man had stopped walking, leaning against a tree and resting a little. Soon, he would start walking again.
Kael stood up as the old man suddenly turned to him.
"What? Did something happen?"
Kael shook his head from side to side.
"Nothing. It's just... I'm tired of sitting, so I'm going to walk around a bit."
"Stay close to the camp, never out of sight."
He nodded his head, then started walking slowly.
He checked one last time that everyone was asleep. Then, he looked at the old mercenary.
After taking a deep breath, he reached for his daggers. Only one thought ran through his mind.
'I will do it.'
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