Chapter 33: Stop doing things for me anymore
"Aren't you tired of loving me?" I couldn't help but take a deep breath and lay down on the grass while watching the beautiful stars twinkling in the sky.
I felt Antonio also lying next to me. "Loving you has never been tiresome. I told you, I would wait even if it would take me a hundred years of waiting."
"And you really think you can live that long?" I dared not to look at him but closed my eyes to find calmness in this peaceful night.
"Why would I-"
"But I love someone else." I don't know how that came out of my mouth, or maybe it's because I didn't want to hear anything from Antonio. After all, I can't bear to listen to his confessions because I'm even more uncomfortable, and I feel guilty that I can't return the feelings he has for me.
"And just like me, you are also hoping and waiting for him to notice you. We are just the same, Kaesu. I can sacrifice more than you can sacrifice for him."
"I'm sorry but-"
"Shhhh... Never did I ever ask you to love me back or force you to. But I only have one favor to ask you... just let me love you Kaesu, until my very last breath."
We went silent that night and let the silence deafen us.
I woke up because of a loud banging on the side of my window. I got up and looked to see what it was, but I noticed that there was no one, so I scratched my head in a bad mood and went back to my bed.
Wait, how did I get home last night?
I immediately looked at myself and took a deep breath, realizing that I was still wearing the clothes I wore last night. I took a shower and got dressed when I heard the door open and I saw Antonio start walking while holding his hip.
"What happened to you?"
"I just tried to save the cat by your window, but I never thought that it would be my life in exchange," he answered with a snort like a bullied child.
I couldn't stop laughing secretly. He's cute though, it's just that he looks like an old man with rheumatism.
He sat on the couch, and I was about to pass him when he spoke again.
"By the way, I saw Alex earlier when I was about to enter, he was thinking twice about knocking on your door. Did you two fight?"
I also stopped and thought. By the way, I haven't seen Alex since last night. I didn't see him at the party last night either. Where was he at that time? Does he know everything? Does he know Lara's real identity too?
I closed my eyes again, it was still early in the morning, but I was about to be swallowed up by my own brain.
I felt Antonio's hands cupping my face, but I didn't open my eyes yet.
"Remove those hands if you don't want me to cut off your fingers one by one."
"Whenever you feel like you don't know where to start, or you hardly know what to do, and even your brain is too full. Just take a deep breath, take a pause, and then fight again. You don't have to fight every time. Even a gun needs a recharge."
Guns.
"Where can I avail one?" I saw Antonio startled when I suddenly opened my eyes and asked, causing him to remove his hands from my face.
"W-where are you going to use it? That's not what I meant."
I turned around and ignored him.
"I know. But you don't need to find out."
He held my arm. "Kaesu, whatever you're thinking, please-"
"You have to trust me, Antonio."
He made me face him, causing our eyes to meet.
"If it's about Nadia, I've started the investigation about it, and I've got the information and evidence that you and Susanae need, all I want you to do is trust me in this."
I frowned at what I heard. Did I hear this correctly?
"What do you mean... Wait, how did you know?"
"That's not important anymore, Kaesu, please don't do anything impulsively that might hurt you. Let me make a way for you."
"Why?"
"I don't want you to get hurt-"
"No. Why are you doing this?"
I saw a bitter smile on his lips. "I told you, I would do anything for you."
"But you don't have to!"
"I know and I am aware."
"Exactly! So stop doing things for me. You're making me a loser. It's like you always make me look like a loser. That I'm not capable, that I can't do things on my own. That I always need help from other people."
"That was not my intention."
"If that's the case, stay away from me, leave me alone. Because every time you're there, I shrink myself. I get angry and guilty about things that shouldn't be because it's not my fault in the first place. I'm not your responsibility, so if possible, I don't want to see you doing things or ways for me anymore. Because I will do it myself. I don't need you."
Antonio was taken aback, as if he wanted to say something, but he couldn't. He remained silent and all I could see in his eyes was pain. I know I've crossed the line, but I have to cross it. Or else Antonio will be more hurt if he continues like that.
I am ready to dig deeper into this dirty game and I don't want to drag him down with me just because of his feelings for me. I don't want anything to happen to him just because of his stupid feelings for me. I don't want it to get to the point where he has to sacrifice a lot just for me, because I can't handle that.
"You made it clear yourself. Then..." he stepped backward and turned around and left completely.
I don't understand how I feel, I feel like I've been beaten many times. My knees were weak, and I just found myself stomping on the floor, holding back the tears.
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